I feel like I've let my son down already.

[YoureawizardHarryP]

Just feeling a bit shitty about things right now and need to verbalise this..

My son is 5 months (first baby). He was transverse and didn't turn so on the paediatrician's advice I had an elective C section. I didn't labour with him. I have a son but I don't know what labour feels like. I feel like a bit of a fraud as a Mother, like I didn't put in the hard work to have him.

I also struggled to breastfeed and this in part contributed to PND. As a result my son is on formula. I feel like I've let him down in this respect too. I'm so jealous of other Mum's who can breastfeed, to the point of being internally disappointed that another Mother I know has overcome her feeding issues and is exclusively BF'ing. I hate that I feel like that.
He's happy and so so so loved, but I just feel as though his start in life wasn't what I wanted for him. And that breaks my heart.

I didn’t have a Caesarian but I couldn’t breastfeed. I was heartbroken at the time, really utterly heartbroken. I had this clear idea of what kind of mum I wanted to be and I failed at the first hurdle.

My son is now only 2 but already I can see how little it matters. I mean really, these things seem like the end of the world when your baby is little and doesn’t do much but as he grows and his will and personality get stronger and stronger you’ll see what I mean. It’s not about the birth or how you feed them, it’s about who they are, these brilliant wonderful people you have the privilege of having in your life.

My son is not yet 26 months old and today my husband got upset because he broke his work bag. I asked him “do you know why daddy is angry?” Because he picks up on our moods and without skipping a beat he said “because he broke his bag”. I know it doesn’t seem like much but as you are aware, it was only a little while ago he was learning to use his arms and now he is learning to navigate the world of emotions. I’m so proud of him and don’t care at all that I couldn’t breastfeed.

Oh and I can promise the “hard work” of taking care of a baby day in day out is a million times harder than labour and that is what qualifies you as a mum not giving birth through your vagina.

When a baby is born (however it's born) it comes complete with a packet of guilt for the mother. We all get one, for all sorts of reasons. I suppose it's nature's way of ensuring we look after our babies properly, and put them first. Don't worry about it.

Ah bless you, I had the same. Ds was born by emergency c section and I struggled the breast feed and only lasted a couple of days before moving to formula. He’s six now, it honestly isn’t even on my radar any more. I only remember when I read a thread like this. You’ll get that bond from being mum, helping them grow and learn. It seems a huge deal now but I promise you it isn’t.

Are you getting support for the PND? Honestly, nothing you're upset about is in anyway letting your son down. It matters not a jot how a healthy baby arrives in the world. Lots of women, including me, struggle to breastfeed. 10 years on my son is healthy and happy. You will get past those feelings, but if you're not already, talk to your GP, HV etc and make sure you're getting some support in deLing with your feelings.

Labour is over in the blink of an eye. Pregnancy is bloody hard work and parenting is hard work too so you're doing it all now. You're working hard everyday for your son.

Fed is best for baby. I breastfeed but it's not easy and sometimes would love to have someone else give my baby her night feeds so I can sleep!

You're not a bad mother for either of these things. You're a good mother because you want to give your child the best start. The best start in life is to be born safely, and be fed, warm, cuddled and loved. Which you are doing so well.

Please don't beat yourself up. Your baby will be absolutely fine and thrive with no bearing on how he was born or whether he is fed breast milk or formula.

You have gone through so much to have him! Pregnancy is hard on you physically and emotionally. A c section isn't a walk in the park either. Please remember that, despite the crap that gets forced upon a new mum you could line up 100 kids and never be able to tell who was breastfed/formula fed. Who was cloth bummed/disposable nappies. Who was fed purées/baby led weaned. Who was dry at 18months or 4 years old. Who was talking first, walking first, building a tower of blocks first. Believe me he just needs to be loved, and fed and kept warm and safe. You're doing that! Congratulations on your beautiful baby.

Well said mammabear

My daughter is nine months and my only child. I planned a water birth with relaxing music and was set on breastfeeding, none of this happened as I had a stroke and had to have an emergency c section to make sure my daughter was delivered safely. I don't remember the first couple of
Months of her life and was unable to breastfeed as I was In a coma for a while. I too had/ have PND and have had so much guilt over everything. Why do we do this to ourselves when its not our fault :( babies are happy and healthy, that's all that matters right? X

I’ve had these and other similar feelings since I had my twins, who are almost 2. One of them stopped moving and I had no idea. I felt so guilty about that. I had an emergency c section, they were taken straight to nicu, I barely got to hold them for ages. One stayed in nicu for two months and I wasn’t there as much as I wish I could have been because I had the other twin at home and complications from my section - loads of guilt about that. I tried desperately and failed to bf, and I felt so guilty that I continued to pump for 7 months, every two hours and my supply was so shit that they were still on half formula - definitely feel guilty about that. One has a lot of health issues and delays, the other still isn’t talking and I beat myself up constantly - is it something I’ve done or haven’t done, could I have made things better if I’d done x or y, etc...

The guilt is so overwhelming and I wasn’t prepared for it at all. Objectively I can read your post and tell you that you have nothing to feel guilty about whatsoever, but I can’t be as kind to myself.

I’d really hoped this would have passed by now but it hasn’t so I’m going to see the doctor about it. I think you should too - don’t waste this precious time feeling so down x

I had a CS. She was breech. I get those feelings. And I very nearly gave up breastfeeding. The only reason I didn't was because I was so engorged and it was painful not to. So I mix fed her.

She is 7 now. And I really couldn't give less of a shit about how I gave birth to her or how I fed her.

Parenting is about so much more than the birth, or the first few months/years. Please be less hard on yourself. You are doing great. X

I felt like you with my first (born by emergency c section because they got stuck and then couldn't b. feed because I found it too painful) I felt bad, like I'd failed and that I was a bad mother but after talking it through with a counsellor I accepted that I was a mother despite not having given birth 'properly' and that I was just doing my best.

I had a 2nd child not long after. That was a vaginal birth and tbh I didn't feel like I'd achieved anything even though I was expecting to.

Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself and your body. You've done nothing wrong and you're doing the best you can.

My twins were born through C-section. I am no less of a mother than anyone else.

I breastfed mine but my friend didn’t bf hers. She is no less of a mother than me.

She spoon fed while I did BLW.

She went back to work part time while I was a SAHM for five years.

I’m now full time while she’s part time.

I choose to state educate my D.C., she sends her DD to a private school.

Mine go on holidays that are filled with museums, galleries, castles, monuments, cycling, hiking, kayaking, nature walks, concerts and art. She likes to lie by a pool for two weeks.

She has never spent a night away from her DD. I regularly travel for work.

We cook from scratch with lots of fresh vegetables. They like ready meals and oven food.

I dress my D.C. from Sainsbury’s and H&M. My friend’s DD is head to toe in gorgeous John Lewis and boutique clothes.

We all make choices for our children. Millions of decisions every single year of their childhoods.

And some are better than others. And some might be “wrong” but it’s often not the things we think.

My D.C. and my friend’s DD are all happy, healthy, thriving and top of their school classes

You make the best decision you can at the time and then move on.

Don’t let the past paralyse the future.

Parenthood is a marathon, not a sprint.

You regret what happened in the first half mile? Fine.
Now focus on the mile you are currently running - don’t waste energy on what’s behind you.

Your baby is loved. Healthy. Happy.

That’s pretty much your job. Healthy, happy and loved?
Give yourself a big gold

You’ve got this. Honest.

Well put Mamabear. There is no way you could go to a school and pick out which child started their lives off in which way/with bf of formula etc. Your baby is alive and safe and well with you. That is the important bit. A friend and I were due our babies the same week. I went into premature labour at 35 weeks as I am rubbish at being pregnant. I feel like I failed my baby because I couldn't keep her in until full term. My baby was born healthy apart from low blood sugar, for which she ended up needing to go to the NICU for a feeding tube. A day after she arrived there I bumped into my friend there with their baby. He was born at 33 weeks by emergency c section. My friend said that she felt like she had cheated as she hadn't gone through labour. I felt like I had cheated as I had an incredibly easy labour and was up and about feeling like I hadn't given birth immediately afterwards. A c section recovery is so much harder than she I went through. Her milk dried up just after we left hospital, I have enough to donate back to SCBU for other babies. Our babies are now over 6 months and you could not tell to look at either of them that they were early, or that they have been delivered or fed in different ways. They are both bouncing, happy, healthy babies and I love seeing them side by side in the back of the car, holding hands for their respective car seats when I give them a lift to a baby group.

Being a mother appears to be a lesson in how to deal with guilt. There is always room for having done something better in your day. As long as everyone has survived and is fed and clean enough not to stick to the bedcovers before they get in them (really we could have done with baths this evening, but my baby was exhausted and upset as a result, so we pretended we couldn't see the grubby bits until tomorrow) then you have done well.

I can't top the advice given already but your baby is clearly loved and safe and cared for. These are the most important things you can give to your child.

I am so sorry you feel so concerned about things. Please do see your HV or GP and get some help with this.

I bf for 6 weeks. I sat there for what seemed like hours whilst he fed and I read my kindle. Once he was on bottles I could hold him closer and look at his actual face & because it took no time at all I didn't need to read books to keep myself going whilst he fed. I felt so much closer to him, enjoyed it so much more. He's a very bright, healthy, strong almost 6 yr old now to you and your lovely baby xx

So sorry for you. I didn't have a C section but did struggle to breast feed, he went partly on formula at 5 weeks and full at 7. I felt like a failure - but son thrived!

So it does pass, don't be so hard on yourself. You did your best and in a while will no longer think about it.
x

Oh my love it's hard but don't do this to yourself, it's just parenting, you'll feel guilty about a million things in the next 18 years, some your fault, some just life doing stupid things, mostly nothing to do with anything. Remember this, they will grow up and be the person they are meant to be despite all your best efforts to mould them and be the perfect parent. I 'gave birth' to my three with various combinations of 'success', never managed to breastfeed yet now they are going to uni, off to do A levels and starting secondary school and I never felt good enough but they are all three amazing individuals and never cease to impress me. One of them is an A* student but the one who got a B for GCSE maths made me sob with amazement at what he had achieved for him. There is no right or wrong, just enjoy the ride because they all end up sleeping through and eating food and passing exams sometimes despite us! I think being a mother comes loaded with a giant bucket full of guilt which they don't know about and love us anyway.

Snuggle your baby, he loves you with all his being and doesn't see any of your perceived shortcomings. Enjoy, this bit is too short (I am trying to work out who to write to because 18 years of him at home was NOT enough time but apparently all I get for now, not happy).

Wait till they get older. Noone will ever know how you fed your kid, nor will you ever think about it. It feels like a big issue now but it really isnt. Youve got so many things that you can berate yourself for to look forward to in the future, so try not to worry

I had to bottle feed, there's a lot of negativity around bottle fed babies and you need to switch off from it.

Baby milk was invented for a reason!

All three of mine are healthy and intelligent - (and generally happy despite the bloody hormones)

Take ownership of bottle feeding and be proud you have a lovely son.

Oh and as I've had both, the C Section is much harder to reciver from and feel normal.

You'll feel much better when the babies sleeps though and you remember who you are again

Thank you everyone so much for your support. I've seen the doctor about my PND and am in antid's for it. I was always high risk due to longstanding depression. But I think I may need to speak to the doctor about increasing the dose.

My son is definitely thriving on the formula and I know how he was born was best for him and it's all about how he's cares for after birth, but it's just strange that I literally don't know what a contraction feels like. I really wanted a drug free, water birth and was oddly looking forward to it!

You're all right though, It seems guilt is just a part of being a parent and once I get over this there'll be something else to feel bad about.... I'll try to stop beating myself up; not sure if it could be worth talking to someone though. I might have a look and see if anyone local could help.

Thanks all, so much xx

It's hard but try not to feel guilty. I had an emergency CS and I couldn't BF afterwards because of reflux so it was bottles all the way. It hasn't done my DS any harm but like you, at the time I felt we both missed out on what was 'supposed to happen'.

Your DS is thriving, you're doing a great job and that's all that matters, regardless of how he came into the world.

I’m glad you’ve taken the replies on board OP, there is such enormous pressure on women when it comes to mothering, and none of it is helpful.

I couldn’t breastfeed, and I felt the same as you do. I didn’t have to have a section, but I’m awfully sad that you feel like you failed him because of a section. My friend had 3 sections, I had 3 through labouring, and if you saw all 6 together you’d never know. She jokes that hers came out of the sunroof!

In all seriousness though, it is awfully hard not to beat yourself up, especially when society has so many examples of bullshit set up for social media parents “perfection”.

Have you had someone to talk to about the birth and the lack of control/choice? A traumatic birth isn’t something that you should just have to get over, it’s a huge deal and you should have support .

Oh OP. I remember these feelings so well. I planned a water birth and to exclusively breast feed. My daughter was born after a week long labour and being in distress. We were both very ill and my milk never came in. I was devastated, heartbroken. It's so hard to describe when the picture you have of your motherhood is so different to reality.

My DD is 2 now and she's so healthy, happy and loved. I had wonderful support from lots of people including a mum that I really admired and I assumed she had breast fed but she struggled and ultimately formula fed and has two very happy, healthy boys.

You have done the best thing for your baby at every stretch. You put your baby's health and safety before what you wanted. That's the most important thing a mum can do.

I feel your pain OP. I had a vaginal birth, but in theatre after 50hrs because it had all gone to hell. I don't remember the first 24hrs of my baby's life, as I was just basically passed out for it. Dad had to do skin to skin. I could never breast feed.

It's been so weird for me that I often tell my husband I feel like our son was "given" to us. I know I gave birth because I have the damage to prove it 🙄 but there is definitely a disconnect between the birth and my gorgeous baby. It's like we adopted him maybe? The birth was too traumatic for me to link to our pile of gorgeousness I would guess.

What you're feeling is hard. If you need extra support, make sure you demand it, as no one will come knocking to help you. Your baby will be absolutely fine with a ton of love, you just need to take care of yourself too x

Are you me?? We lost our first baby at 6 months. The second was emergency c-sec - all the stuff I'd been told about how wonderful birth is, how my BIL boasted about his wife and how "she didn't even make a sound! No pain control! Baby just came out" etc, how the baby just knows how to breastfeed etc - well, none of that happened for me. Extremely distressing csec birth, baby just couldn't latch properly so ended up pumping for 6 months which was horrendously stressful and I wish I could've just done formula as I would've have had a much happier time with him. Everyone else was breastfeeding perfectly. Everyone else had easy going babies. Everyone else was having the most wonderful happy time. I wasn't. It was shit, utter shit, and I felt like I'd let the baby down, let my husband down as the mother ofhis child, etc.

You have NOT failed. You are raising a wonderful, healthy baby. You are doing AMAZINGLY, try to remember this.