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Parenting

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Original poster

My children have half-sister I would like them to know about

38 replies

Hantsuur · 23/08/2018 16:56

Hi. I have a daughter from before I got married to my wife. My wife and I have 3 children. Before i got married i told my wife about the daughter i have and my intention of not wanting anything to do with her. For the first 7 years I ignored her existence but then 2 years ago I came to my senses and established contact. She already knew of me from her mother and stepfather as they never made a secret out of it. Currently we meet once a year. I now want my children ( 8, 6 and 1 year old) to know of her as well. I believe at this age they would accept it easier and also i think by not telling them they could later in life hold keeping it secret against us. In addition i am burdened by the current secrecy when ever i want to contact her and when she wants to send me letter or postcard... However my wife is categorically against our children knowing about her. This is very important to me and partly I feel I have the right to tell my children anyway regardless of my wifes opinion but then in doing so my already fragile marriage could possibly fall apart. What would you recommend? Kind regards

OP posts:

Pissedoffdotcom · 23/08/2018 17:01

Sorry, you meet once a year?? How much contact do you have in between that meeting & the next?

I can fully understand why your wife doesn't want the kids to know tbh. You're hardly a major part of your daughter's life...how much contact would your kids be allowed if they decided they wanted to get to know their sibling?

Original poster

Hantsuur · 23/08/2018 17:23

Yes, once a year as she lives in Switzerland. In between maybe 5-6 times via email, letters and postcards. I believe contact would be much more frequent if there was no need to hide it from my children. Due to the distance I think my children would be able to meet her once a year.

OP posts:

JKCR2017 · 23/08/2018 17:57

It is not up to your wife, it is up to you and I think you should tell your children about their half sister.

Let me tell you my story..

I am 26, never had a relationship with my dad. Met a few times as a child but cannot remember it. He met his new wife and they have three children. They live 8 miles away. None of his kids know about me but I know who they are (they have Facebook and have mutual friends). They have walked past me in the street and not had a bloody clue who I am. I’ve also seen my dad around a few times. I am actually sure I drove past him yesterday. But I’ve never met or had a conversation with him.

I contacted him by email a few years ago and he said he didn’t want to know me as he didn’t want to upset his kids who would of all been teenagers or upset his wife. He told me had to speak to his wife before replying to me. It hurts sometimes. I always said I would like to meet him one day, but after finding out I’m a ‘secret’ I really couldn’t give a damn if I never met him.

Slightly different scenario as I’ve just read your daughter lives in a different country whereas mine only live 8 miles away.

I take it your daughter knows about your wife and children. How do you think she would feel if you she was being kept a secret from them?

Personally I think it’s better to tell them while they’re young. Kids adapt really quickly and may really love the idea of having another sibling.

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JasmineByTheSea · 23/08/2018 18:01

They will probably find out eventually so I think it’s better for you to tell them.

But it might make them afraid that you won’t always be around for them given your lack of contact with your daughter.

Joe66 · 23/08/2018 18:03

Please be open with everyone, your children, your wife, your neighbours, everyone. We have a story but i'm not going to tell it, suffice to say our nephews never met their father. He always thought there was time to meet them, and then he died suddenly. We met them, and he had missed out on so, so much. Be open, tell everyone, then there is nothing to hide and people can make choices based on truth.

JasmineByTheSea · 23/08/2018 18:04

Why does your wife think it should be kept a secret? Is there a missing backstory that would explain this?

SleepingStandingUp · 23/08/2018 18:08

The problem is your wife willingly married a man who had shown himself to be a terrible father and pretty shit person. That clearly suited her.
Now you're trying to be a better father and human she doesn't like it.

I guess you have to make a decision on what Dad you want to be to ALL your children and whether you want to remain with someone who is deliberately stopping you having a better relationship with your child and the other kids from having one at all with their sibling

sue51 · 23/08/2018 18:09

It would be horrible for your eldest daughter to find out she had been treated as a guilty secret not important enough to know her sisters. Your wife is totally wrong to insist on secrecy. It is wrong to maintain this pretence to maintain what you say is a fragile marriage. You have begun to step up after 7 years neglect, time for all your children to be treated as equals.

Seniorschoolmum · 23/08/2018 18:12

These things always come out eventually so much better to be open.

However, when your younger children ask why you only see her once a year, and used not to see her at all, I hope you are honest and explain that you were mean-sprites, selfish and irresponsible. Are you ready for that?

And then it is logical that they will want to meet her so contact will inevitably increase. Is she, you and her mother ready for that? Have you asked your eldest daughter what she would like?

As for it being a burden on you - that is irrelevant. You get what you deserve.

Pissedoffdotcom · 23/08/2018 18:45

Okay now you've expanded a little about contact, altho i can see why your wife is wary altho what she expects when she knew about your daughter before she married you is beyond me i'd sit them down & tell them. But be honest. My DD missed out on knowing her half sister from a young age because her dad & his family lied through their teeth about why they didn't see her...those lies will haunt him if & when the girls ever go looking for him later in life. The best thing you can do is hold your hands up to the mistakes you've made, accept that your kids might need reassurance you won't walk out on them, & take it from there.

Your wife has no right to stop your kids knowing each other, even if she has reservations about it all. That said, perhaps you need to reassure her that if the siblings all get to know each other, there isn't suddenly going to be a reason for contact to stop & her being the one needing to pick up the pieces

Original poster

Hantsuur · 23/08/2018 18:54

From speaking with the mother of my eldest, she is eager to get to know her siblings and them to know her.

Maybe 3 month ago she asked her mother if the other children have been told about her and was saddened by negative reply. So yes, she probably already feels being a secret and left out.

I am ready to face what ever questions my children would come up with.

From what my wife has told me she is against it because she thinks it will traumatise childrens idealistic view of what is family. Also she believes that it could make them "troubled humans" later on in life when faced with something like that at such a young age.

OP posts:

Pissedoffdotcom · 23/08/2018 18:57

That's ridiculous re the idealistic view of family life & if she is setting them up with a stereotypical view of what a family is she is setting them up to fail.

Girlundercover · 23/08/2018 19:03

They will be much more troubled if they find out as adults or teenagers. And they will find out.

Gloopy · 23/08/2018 19:06

Your wife is a arsehole who is threatened by 9 year old child. She doesn't want to ruin her perfect little family. Disgusting. She needs to get a grip.
You need to also to get a fucking grip. You IGNORED her for 7 years!!! You're lucky she wants anything to do with you.
People like you disgust me!

Doyoumind · 23/08/2018 19:07

Your wife is wrong. Simple as that. There is no way in the world they will go through life never knowing so it's definitely better that they find out now when they are young.

tribpot · 23/08/2018 19:21

she thinks it will traumatise childrens idealistic view of what is family
Yes, whereas finding out as adults that their parents have lied to them and hidden a sibling should create no problems whatsoever! FFS.

I can't imagine they are living an 'idealised' life now - no-one does. They live in the real world and families are complicated, but where there is love and honesty and respect, a family can flourish in much stranger circumstances than this. If your oldest child wants to know her siblings, it is cruel to keep them from her. It's bad enough you ignored her for so long without compounding the problem.

sue51 · 23/08/2018 19:24

So your wife is prepared to throw your first born aside for the sake of her children with you. Selfish and wrong. Your 3 children will eventually discover your little secret and will judge you accordingly. The fall out from all this deception will not be pretty. Bite the bullet and let your children develop a relationship with their sister or you risk alienating all your children.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/08/2018 19:38

Your wife is selfish, and it suited her better when you were too.

What country do you liv in? I'm assuming not the UK as she thinks think no one has sex before marriage, no one has relationships that break up etx

Original poster

Hantsuur · 23/08/2018 19:48

We live here but neither of us is from here.

OP posts:

downinthejunglee · 23/08/2018 20:46

Where is 'here'

mrslupin · 23/08/2018 20:57

You absolutely should tell them. My father had no contact with me and I found out about his other children when they arrived at my school. I was heartbroken my DM didn't tell me about them.

I know this can't happen in your scenario but your children will find out one day and will be hurt if it doesn't come from you and your wife.

Original poster

Hantsuur · 23/08/2018 21:06

Sorry by here i mean UK

OP posts:

buckeejit · 23/08/2018 21:22

Tell your wife you need to tell them and are going to. Ask if it would help if you rehearsed with her what you're going to say & be as honest as possible. Apologise to all your children & do better. They'll be better finding out sooner than later. Leave contact decisions to each of them individually.

Jkc, I'm sorry you've had such a shit time. I'd be tempted to beep, roll down the window & shout 'hi dad' next time you see him if siblings aren't there. I'd want to initiate contact when eldest was 18 if it hasn't come out before then, though don't know if that's the best thing to do.

Mayhemmumma · 23/08/2018 21:28

Gosh tell your wife you're telling them!

You're right, truth now will be much more easily accepted and it would be only a good thing if it could mean more contact.

The longer a lie exists the harder it gets to speak it.

Reassure your wife you love her/your family too but your DD will always be so.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 23/08/2018 21:46

I've been in you children's shoes, except I knew about my half sibling and my full siblings didn't. It all came out when everyone was an adult and broke hearts and trust. These kind of secrets destroy families. It's too outing for me to post all the details, but trust me when I say that the burden of this secret could haunt you and your wife and destroy relationships with your children if it all comes out at a later date.

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