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Original poster

My children have half-sister I would like them to know about

38 replies

Hantsuur · 23/08/2018 16:56

Hi. I have a daughter from before I got married to my wife. My wife and I have 3 children. Before i got married i told my wife about the daughter i have and my intention of not wanting anything to do with her. For the first 7 years I ignored her existence but then 2 years ago I came to my senses and established contact. She already knew of me from her mother and stepfather as they never made a secret out of it. Currently we meet once a year. I now want my children ( 8, 6 and 1 year old) to know of her as well. I believe at this age they would accept it easier and also i think by not telling them they could later in life hold keeping it secret against us. In addition i am burdened by the current secrecy when ever i want to contact her and when she wants to send me letter or postcard... However my wife is categorically against our children knowing about her. This is very important to me and partly I feel I have the right to tell my children anyway regardless of my wifes opinion but then in doing so my already fragile marriage could possibly fall apart. What would you recommend? Kind regards

OP posts:
MycatsaPirate · 23/08/2018 21:52

Tell them. Tell your wife first that you are doing it but please tell them before they get much older.

My life was blown out of the water 7 years ago with a message on facebook one morning a few days before xmas from a woman telling me that she had been searching for my (now dead) mum and found me instead. She was writing on behalf of my half sister. She is only 16 months older than me and I found her when I was 42. All those years wasted and so much regret.

Just tell your children.

Beamur · 23/08/2018 21:58

Your wife is an idiot. This older child exists, you cannot pretend she doesn't, the 'illusion' is just that. Tell your kids unless you later want them to find out their parents are liars and shatter that illusion even further.
I say this as an elder half sibling whose existence was conveniently erased by Father/2nd wife for years.
No good comes of lies. My relationship with my Father was hanging by a thread before this revelation, I think it is now irreparable.

timeisnotaline · 23/08/2018 22:03

The ages of your oldest two children are quite close, were you with your wife when your first child was conceived? If not you moved on started a new relationship got married and had a baby very very quickly.... that would obviously colour your wife’s thinking! You have to tell them and you can’t keep your poor child a secret, but if it’s evidence of your past cheating it may tip your wife over and end your marriage.

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Original poster
Hantsuur · 24/08/2018 08:57

Conceiving my first bourn was a result of a brief encounter during which I was not with my wife nor in any other permanent relationship.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 24/08/2018 16:43

Then why deny her existence for so long?? Whilst I think your wife is ridiculous and wrong I can understand why after you promising to be a shit Dad she's now wrong footed

Deathgrip · 24/08/2018 16:53

In addition i am burdened by the current secrecy when ever i want to contact her and when she wants to send me letter or postcard

Tough.

This isn’t about you - it’s about what’s best for the children you created. Clearly neither you or your wife cared about that until quite recently so I’m glad that you at least have started to address that.

You need to think about all your children now, and there’s no way that keeping this secret is good for any of them. Your oldest has had the shit end of the stick already so please don’t mess her around.

supercalifragilistic2 · 24/08/2018 18:00

Your kids will not be traumatised because you have another child.

My nephews paternal family refuse to acknowledge his existence. They live 2 streets away from him and see him in the area daily. He's got a massive family and doesn't know anything, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents and hasn't ever met them.

Your daughter has a whole family she knows little about, your children should be able to know about other siblings. Tell your wife you WILL be telling both sets of children.

MotherOfDragons27 · 24/08/2018 19:05

I also don't understand why you bothered to keep it a secret in the frat place seeing as it happened before you got with your wife? ALL your children deserve to know each other and deserve the same respect. Your wife is being horribly selfish and nasty. Her little dream image of a perfect family never existed because your daughter came first, and she's been fooling herself that this wouldn't happen one day. I'm glad you've seen the error of your ways and have had a change of heart. But if you're going to be in your eldest daughter's life then she deserves the same treatment as your younger ones. How do you think she feels being your secret child knowing she doesn't exist to her siblings? Poor girl. It's got to be all or nothing I'm afraid and your wife needs to wake up and realise that this girl IS part of your family whether she likes it or not. Keeping the secret will only cause more mess when they eventually find out that they've been lied to their whole lives.

sue51 · 25/08/2018 12:18

I dont think anyone will tell you it is fair to keep this secret. Time to tell your wife that your family includes this little girl and it's time to do the right thing.

keepthechangeyafilthyanimal · 25/08/2018 12:36

From experience....

Tell them.

They will resent you for the secret. They have a right to know. Your wife should support a healthy sibling relationship. What does she think she is going to lose?

Please, tell them.

gamerwidow · 25/08/2018 12:40

You children are going to find out about their sister and they will be devastated to find out you have lied to them all their life and snuck around behind their backs. The lies will damage them far more than the truth ever will.

AsleepAllDay · 25/08/2018 12:50

What a stupid idea, they'll feel cheated and failed by the lie that their family life was perfect meanwhile a whole sibling was hidden from them

Whereas if you can admit that not all families are linear and stay together, they'll be able to adjust for it early on and probably be enriched by having another sibling to know

VanillaBeans · 25/08/2018 12:51

People are being unnecessarily harsh on your wife.

For whatever reasons, she accepted you had a child you didn’t see in another country. On the pretence she then settled and had a family with you. I don’t think it’s fair that she sways you to not see your child at all, but I don’t think she’s a monster or a selfish bitch. She is mindful and protective of the impact this will have on her young children and it obviously isn’t something she has prepared for.

In terms of your relationship with your non resident child; I frankly think that more effort should be made on your part - your other children not being aware of her isn’t really an excuse if you are sending emails etc, they’re hardly going to notice are they.

So, I think you should build on your relationship with your first child via distance contact and then when she is used to you consistently contacting her you can start talking about your DC, sending pictures etc. Then when your relationship is more stable you can start introducing them.

Good luck; and don’t listen to people who are overly judgemental to you or your wife. Having a non resident or step child takes a lot of adjustment, time and patient. Don’t expect everything to be happy families the moment she arrives. I suppose you situation is different as you will never have regular visits, but still.

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