New baby and feeling resentful

[Spanglyprincess1]

Bit random but woundering if this is normal? I feel very resentful sometimes to my dp since having my son seven weeks ago.
I'm with the baby 24/7 as exclusively breast feed. I do all the nightfeeds and day feeds plus generally all the other stuff. Dp is self employed so works from home, I try and leave him alone as he's at work. But he works ALL the time. He works every weekend plus all weekdays and sometimes dosnt finish until ten at night. He also works away 14 weekends a year - including this weekend in Scotland so it's five days he is away. So tbh I feel very unsupported sometimes as we get no couple time but also I get no support. Ive asked him if he could start earlier and therefore finsihing by seven pm, but he never gets up really before nine am as he's a night owl. We also have three step children here 50% of the time.
I'm honestly not sure if it's normal but I'm starting to resent the constant working of dp/ lack of support. If I say anything about him finishing early he starts on about me being on a paid holiday (mat leave) and he's not lucky enough to get paid to not work.
Btw I should say dp does tidy the house everyday -not cleaning but tidying eg making beds / clothes washing etc. I do all the cooking including his lunch/breakfast. He also does buy me flowers/chocolate as surprises occasionally. So he is a nice person.

Paid holiday!! Men really have no idea how hard it is. You need to talk to him and explain how your feeling. If he is still such a night owl perhaps you could express some milk and he could do a night feed so you get a bit of a rest? Plus it will give him a chance to bond with baby. I did this and although initially it was tough to express, the result of having a couple of hours to myself was amazing, also DP loved having some alone time with DD. Hugs, it does get easier. I'm at 3 months with DD and I'm actually getter by sleep now woohooo! Xx

Teinkle - He did that once when I expressed. He complains about being tierd and not sleeping and having work. He's so miserable the next day, not aimed at me but general moaning about being tierd and having work/driving etc or pick up children.
Tbh I'm prob just sleep exhusted as baby refuses to sleep for more than 3-4 hours and is very noisy in their sleep ( squeals, cries out and moves - which wakes me).
Hes also agreed to have the DSC for an extra two nights next week after being away all weekend (5 days as from Thursday), despite us already having them ten days in a row (now 12). He didn't even speak to me about it before agreeing. I really don't normally mind but I'm exhusted and he will be working a lot. I love the kids but I'm reaching exhaustion point :(

I'm sorry if I sound overly aggressive - currently in a text argument with my own husband who yet again will be coming home late meaning that it's another full day of me with the baby from morning to night.
Your husband needs to grow up. He helped create a child and he needs to support you. He is earning money, you are caring for the baby. Those are your day jobs. So why should you also have to work exclusively through the night and evenings alone? Not acceptable in my opinion. Yes I'm sure running his own business is stressful and there will be times when he needs to work longer than you'd like. But every day? I'm not buying it, it smacks of a man who has worked out that he can get out of a lot of the shit parts of parenting by claiming he's working late. Even if I'm wrong and he legitimately has some enormously important man task that takes up all his time why is he not taking your concerns that you are feeling unsupported seriously? You're his wife and meant to be a team, when one of you struggles the other should help out. Not just brush it off and make uninformed comments about 'paid holiday '. I'd be resentful in your situation too. Apologies, I've not offered any practical help at all but you sound exhausted and my heart goes out to you.

I felt incredibly resentful to my DH when DD was born (still do quite often honestly) as my life was turned inside out and his didn’t feel it had changed much from my point of view. The tiredness makes it much worse and the first few weeks are so intense
Talking about it helped and being upfront about what I needed help with but I’m still not sure what the solution is

Thanks everyone, I feel better that it's not just me struggling! . I think the 'is life hasn't changed much' is the key comment. I feel like mine has been transformed and is not recognisable. Sleep or going swimming etc seem like distant memories as does me time :(.
Tbh if the baby would sleep a bit better I'd feel more able to cope but the constant badly broken sleep is crippling and emotionally draining.

I think you need to speak to your partner about this again. I know he's said he needs to sleep because of work but you need to explain that actually you need to sleep too but as that's not an option you need support. Ask him to make you a cuppa when the baby feeds at night, or settle the baby after you've fed. If he wont do it every time (problematic attutide aside) will he do it at a weekend? You're both in this together. What I found infuriating was the attitude that everything hard to do with the baby was my job and that dad could just swoop in when he wanted and be fun time daddy for an hour and then swoop off when he wanted to or it got too difficult or boring under the guise of 'needing to sleep for work.' Not cool.

He complained about being tired after one feed, seriously? He doesn't know what sleep deprivation is. Has he ever taken a day off to give you a break?

Why are you looking after his dc while he is working?
I know you are a "blended family" etc. But, they are his children and you are not the nanny.
You should be resting and recovering from pregnancy and birth and concentrating on your baby.
In your position I would be packing up and going to my mum's or similar.
He doesn't sound like a nice person to me.
He sounds completely thoughtless and self absorbed.

He needs to get in the game. You've got a lot more months of sleep deprivation and baby rearing ahead. Your resentment is justified and if you try to carry on like this it will only grow.

And stop cooking him bloody breakfast! You're coming off a night shift fgs. He should be bringing you the tea and toast.

My mom has offered for me n baby to go away with them in the UK but it's in the two weeks step kids are here. I want to go for the rest tbh. Is that unreasonable as I know he's working and they will miss half brother?

No it is not unreasonable. He needs to look after his kids. Go and have a break with your mum.

Thanks for the comments.he does try I think but he moans so much if he didn't sleep that ifeel unable to cope.
My mom helped yesterday as baby cried all day, literally , all day for no reason and cat napped while held only! I love the baby but he's exhusted me and dp is away, so I'm grouchy hence the holiday thoughts!

Go on holiday, the baby won't remember whether he saw his step siblings or not. Go and have a break.

You are in the really hard grind of looking after a very young baby - it’s bloody tough and you are doing an incredible job, 24/7.

If it was me, I would go away with my mum and have a break from my unsupportive husband. When I came back I’d need a serious conversation about how to make things better going forward because otherwise this resentment will only grow.

It will all get better as baby grows and settles, but I think you need an action plan now before you burn out.

I’m in a similar situation. EBF so have to do all feeds. No point expressing as I get woken up by crying and full boobs anyway, plus baby wants boob and comfort not just milk so isn’t happy with a bottle and gets hysterical. I’ve just accepted that I have to do all feeds and DH’s role is to support me and give me a break between feeds. I still feel resentful but you can’t argue with biology: I’m the only one who has milk.

Your DP needs to get into the habit of getting up earlier and finishing earlier because once baby is old enough for dinner and bedtime DP should be participating in those things. If he keeps working late he’ll never see his child.

Also he needs to look after his own kids. Your DSC are not your problem, you have a baby to look after. If he invites them he needs to be prepared to look after them. If you want to go on holiday you go. How does he see DSC if he’s working 7 days a week till 10pm?

Bigbluebubble - he works in the house and they play Xbox, iPad etc. He takes a few hours off with them but mostly is working and they are around. We did take a week off last week and went away but even then he worked in the vening or morning on his laptop before we went to the beach.
I just find it too much. The kids are up early and if I'm up breastfeeding then I can do them breakfast or play . I need him to get up too tbh and deal with that stuff.
He does all their homework with them etc so he's not a bad dad at all. He just doesn't realise how tough I find it going from none to four!

I EBF both of my DDs- and DD1 still doesn’t sleep through the night aged 4 so I totally get the sleep deprivation- but my DH still managed to get involved, support me and give me a break.

Go on holiday for a break and then a serious conversation is needed.

Honestly he just won't stop crying . I just want him to sleep so I can.
I know it's normal and passes but honestly I regret having him and resent dp for still having freedom. I can't even go to the bathroom anymore

You can go to the bathroom, you leave him to cry for the full two minutes it takes. When they get older you can't go to he bathroom, literally, because they hang off your knees.

It's a phase, it gets better, but it's shit when you're in the middle of it.

In answer to your original question, totally normal in my opinion.
If he doesn't understand how tough you are finding it, have you explicitly told him?
You are allowed to let them cry while you go to the toilet or get a glass of water etc. You still have to look after yourself! Just make sure that they are left somewhere safe is all. Or you could also try using a carrier? Although it might not stop the crying they will at least be with you.
It is very tough and even more so if your partner is not pulling their weight.
You should talk to him and explain he NEEDS to help you more. And yes, definitely go on the holiday!

Thanks you. Sorry for the post last night, I was literally crying for a few hours with baby as I was so tierd. I know I can leave him to eat etc but I feel guilty doing so. I do have a carrier but haven't used it much yet but I will try using it more. My mom keeps reminding me toddlers are worse in many ways :(
I did message dp last night saying I couldn't cope and referred the baby ( don't mean it now but meant it last night). He just messaged saying you dont mean it and it is a phase - no call or anything to check on us. He has offered to have him Monday night all night if I express, so I'm going to try that.
I love baby and knew it would be very.hard when he was tiny but I don't think anyone can prepare you for how hard!

Regretted not refered!

I actually think toddlers are easier than new babies, they can stand, communicate, eat real food and some even sleep through the night.

It would be better for you if rather than your do taking baby for 1 whole night (which I imagine you'll struggle to sleep a whole night, not being used to it) if he did one or two feeds every night, to give you more long term relief. He'll do 1 night then stop helping again and you're back to square one.

Your do needs to learn to separate work and life as it sounds like he's got the balance wrong if he can't put the work away even on holiday.

Go away with your mum, give yourself a break.

It really winds me up when people say things like ‘you’re struggling with a baby? Wait till they are a toddler!’ ‘You find your toddler hard? Wait till they’re at school!’ etc. Very unhelpful.
As pp said toddlers can walk, talk and be distracted for 10 minutes with a biscuit. Don’t be worrying about all that right now.

Agree with poster above, instead of doing 1 whole night (with you probably awake with bursting boobs anyway) maybe your partner could do a few feeds evening/early nighttime while you get a good chunk of sleep, then you take over from 1am? Then partner do breakfast bottle while you shower and dress?
You need a system that allows you to both get some sleep and feel half way human.

Your DP is being a dick, but so is everyone telling you a toddler will be worse. I didn't much enjoy the baby stage, and I bloody loved having toddlers.