someone help with my temper

[redhottemper]

I really should know better. I really should behave better.
Just keep losing my temper with DS throughout his life. I've discovered I've got a really really bad temper and its so quick I get no warning and end up shouting before thinking.
I've promised and promised myself and DP that I'd stop losing it, but to no avail. Today I shouted (over trivial things) so much that he got scared. Gave me the same look as when another child bit him for the first time. I can't bear that he's scared of me.
Am feeling hopeless now as it feel slike the damage is done. He's starting to talk and copying me, and I would die if he starts quoting my temper back to me.
Someone give me tips, and hope that I haven't f*cked it up for him. I do love him and we have loads of great times and stuff, its almost worse because I keep it together throughout lots of little stressors and then suddenly lose it which I know is worse for children. It makes me paranoid and I read all sorts of awful stuff into everything - i.e. he's quite clingy because he's scared of me.
I've thought of writing this post so many many times before because I've felt so bad so many times, but I think I need some help now. I'm so ashamed of myself.

Lots of sympathy but not much help - have been more reading the thread to see what I can do to stop yelling at DS. I know that a lot of it is due to the grinding financial stress (very broke, applied for bank charges refund, has been 7 weeks now and they promised to let me know by the beginning of June) but do worry that he's old enough now (2.8) to remember Mummy yelling at him...

All this is ringing very true with me too, at the moment. Some days it's fine, and other days I'm a monster. I've just started reading "How to talk so kids will listen..." and it looks like it might be useful.

Your not alone rht, I too have terrible temper. DD1 is 2.5 and i also have DD2 that is a very sensitive 8 month old so i find my fuse very short these days....

You aren't alone, and it is so hard, sometimes when dd1 is having a tantrum, and there are many, i find myself getting so wound up with the crying.. I usually do the old ignoring/distracting trick.. if that fails, I find actually TALKING to her and explaining, in very calm voice, and asking what is wrong helps.... I usually offer a big cuddle when she is tantruming, wether she wants it or not, and find this helps as sometimes thats all they want, is that little moment, just you and them.. As much as i struggle to do it, i have to hold my temper back...

Hope that has been some help

This might help, My mother was very shouty (much much worse than you, she was abusive- until this day she doesnt know that it was wrong). My MIL is a very calm person not shouty at all, but OMG, she is the most <span class="italic">snidey</span> person. She gives little undermining criticisms, mocks people, smiles witheringly at them and she does it <span class="italic">constantly</span>. Its like you forget youre not a real person when you are with my MIL. It is so confusing. At least with my mother, you know where you stand IYSWIM.
I wonT see my MIL anymore. But my point is that shouting is an obvious fault, but there are so many other nasty ways of behaving that I think are <span class="italic">much</span> worse than shouting, but because they are so underhand, the people are never pulled up about them. I think I want to say, well done for noticing and wanting to change and there are worse faults out there than shouting, so dont beat yourself up too much.

rht, I have on o those too and I can empathise with your eelings o remorse and desparation and sel loathing.

There are lots of self help techniques mentioned on this post and some may work and some may not, I know that a red hot temper comes out of the blue and is like molten lava and not that easy to apprehend however I think Sakura's post about her vile MIL is very valuable, as I bet between your tempers you are extremely loving and fair and I know your child knows that.

FWIW when I go ballistic, which is less these days in the day to day scheme of things, my kids come and ask me if I've feeling better and if we can all be friends now, and while it is sad that my kids are parenting me it shows that they are not deeply freaked out by me and actually know where they stand.

If that makes sense

how old is your ds? might not seem an option but your GP can get you help (councilling) without getting the SS involved (they have to make a judgement but if they feel you are making progress they won't).

relationship councilling might also work - relate again don't get SS involved unless the child is in real risk of harm. there are help lines too - there's a national parenting one that might be able to put you in touch with an organisation locally, remember getting outside help doesn't necessarily mean you will have SS knocking on your door

you've taken the first step, well done,

i found with my two the term "time out chair" is better and we've use the star chart/reward chart and it really works, perhaps have some sort of fun activity to do if things start getting tough or is it easy to say let go outside and have a run around? (not suggesting that if it's going to start a fight wrt putting on outdoor stuff!)

my ds1 doesn't like going to sleep in the summer a super nanny thing was 1st time he gets up, put him back to bed and say goodnight and kiss, second time put him back with just a kiss third time and every time after that just tuck him in , don't say a word. in my experience this works the quickest way to get them to go to bed.

just also try to make sure you body language is calm too as children pick up on that also

all young children test you and will relish you getting upset - same with the time out chair if you keep calm it is more effective.

also agree with sakura and i like the idea of a wine and choc reward chart for mum!!!

good luck, no-one ever tells you how hard parenting is do they!

Thank you everyone! Feel so much better and have had no grumpiness in night or this morning ! From me that is.

Jajas, I think you're right - its so hard to have this sudden change from being so selfish and self-focussed to being utterly devoted to someone else no matter how unreasonable their demands are! But then any younger and I wouldn't have been able to give to him emotionally.

Whats really embarrassing is that I work in childcare with behaviour issues, so I know all the behaviour stuff. Actually when I think of it, I'm fine when there's an issue - when he started hitting me I did all the calm removing myself and explaining to him and distraction and it stopped within weeks and he never hits me now. This is why its utterly my issue - last night was just food on floor, but coupled with very tired (as always), bit of a busy week ahead, tons of washing up to get sorted, some phone calls to make etc., and a day of about 100 calm 'no, lets do something else instead). So I don't think there's any problem with him, its me that has a behaviour problem !

kami - have found same thing - when in a good mood I've changed conflict to a game of tickles or chase, and it works really well - have done so all morning think its a fab thing and I must remember it more.

And yes sakura - you made me remember my mum sitting me and sister down to explain that she'd been a snappy cow because she had pmt (we were 8 and 10). She has her faults, but you do know where you are with her. I never remember being scared of her shouting, but it was / is a bit scary when she would get withdrawn.

Feeling a lot better, so thank you all for showing me I'm not alone and giving me tips. I just see lots of calm, reasonable mummies, and look and think how do you do that? It must be a personality thing. I think rules might help me - I decided I'd never smack (not with my temper), so maybe I need to extend that to shouting. I have managed to stop swearing, but I think the meaning behind my 'that's very silly' is as bad as 'that's f-ing stupid', so maybe I'll work on body language etc.

Am desperate to have number 2 (because deep down I adore DS beyond words), so think I really need to get a grip before the challenges and fatigue increase. Thanks again tons. I knew MN would help xxx

i've just found this link which if there is one near you might offer some non-judgemental help:
www.home-start.org.uk/needsupport/