someone help with my temper

[redhottemper]

I really should know better. I really should behave better.
Just keep losing my temper with DS throughout his life. I've discovered I've got a really really bad temper and its so quick I get no warning and end up shouting before thinking.
I've promised and promised myself and DP that I'd stop losing it, but to no avail. Today I shouted (over trivial things) so much that he got scared. Gave me the same look as when another child bit him for the first time. I can't bear that he's scared of me.
Am feeling hopeless now as it feel slike the damage is done. He's starting to talk and copying me, and I would die if he starts quoting my temper back to me.
Someone give me tips, and hope that I haven't f*cked it up for him. I do love him and we have loads of great times and stuff, its almost worse because I keep it together throughout lots of little stressors and then suddenly lose it which I know is worse for children. It makes me paranoid and I read all sorts of awful stuff into everything - i.e. he's quite clingy because he's scared of me.
I've thought of writing this post so many many times before because I've felt so bad so many times, but I think I need some help now. I'm so ashamed of myself.

Can you get yourself a stress ball? Squeeze it when you feelmlike yelling?

Count to 10/20 before you even think of raising your voice?

Move to another room?

I try to keep my yelling voice for when either of my kids are about to do something dangerous!

Redhottemper - is there anything else you feel stressed about? Finance, relationships? I had a fall-out with a friend last week and found myself being more short-tempered with my own children as a result. Have you tried dealing with wind-ups (unintentional on your DS's behalf) in other ways? Like going in a different room for a few minutes. How old is your DS?

How are you feeling in yourself ? I definately raise my voice around DS (even if it's not at him) much more if i'm feeling rubbish about other stuff.

Maybe you need to get out of the 'habit' of shouting. Spend as much time as you can doing the nice stuff that you do together.

Counting to 5 may help too.

If I react unneccessarily, I always apologise. Could you do this ? How old is DS ?

Thanks everyone for replying, it helps to have confessed and get suggestions. Can't do it in real life. I just want to stop it.

He's 21 months. Often a joy. You're all right. Other stuff is in the background. Its just that before babies I/we coped with loads of stress and we just dealt with the fall out so we've got used to coping with challenges, and we're both realising that he isn't like us and doens't know how to put things on hold for weeks/months while we go through each stress. Getting rid of background stress is probably not that possible.
What I find hard is thinking before I explode. Its always short and sharp, but there's no warning, or at least I don't notice it as a warning. If I walked away or something as a preventative measure whenever I've felt the beginnings of a temper, then I think I'd be walking off about once an hour. Does anyone else have this and have a solution?
Theodoresmummy - you're spot on, I think this is probably a factor and feel sh*t that my issues, unimportant ones, are hurting my boy . Trouble is there's nothign that big I have to deal with, so can't justify psychotherapy expense. What helps is running regularly, but time is the thing I don't have.
Honestly, I have nothing to deal with that isn't the normal stuff of being a mum, have a loving partner, secure house and job, supportive parents and friends, just coupled with the ability to blow up without warning. Oh, he still doens't sleep through, that might be a factor in general exhaustion.

Do you get any time alone ? Do you do things you enjoy (alone or with family) ?

RHT - I think walking off once an hour would be fine to start with. Like going to the loo once an hour, you're allowed to do that, just a few minutes. You wouldn't be abandoning him and if it helps you come back in a better mood then it will be worth it. Once you realise you can cope with triggers you may relax some more and need less of the time-outs for yourself. At 21 months he's still such a baby, you really need to have some anger/stress management in place before he gets older and starts developing a real will of his own. The big battles are yet to come

Oh god, I thought it would get easier!
I get loads of time to myself really. A lot is assigned to cooking and house stuff, but I can't complain at all about this - loads of people on here describe much worse situations.
He's fairly demanding, not placid, very active, but not awful. Just normal toddler.
Christina - yes you're right, walking off once an hour wouldn't be the end of the world. It seems more sensible now I say it out loud. I think I though that should be the last resort. The only worry I have is that he typically screams his head off if I walk away from him, so i get wound up by the screaming, not calmed down. i suppose I could walk off in a surreptitious way? TV is beginning to work a bit, I could use that.
But its hard reconciling my parenting hopes (not really into him watching TV) with what I seem to be .

Def aggree with Cristina on that last point about the big battles are yet to come !!!

Also leaving the room every hour is not that bad. It won't be long and you'll realise you are only doing it 3 times a day .

Okay. Will try. Will have a must try harder mantra in my head. Thanks for tips. Its a bit worrying thinking there are more battles, I've blithly thought things would just get easier with language, cos I can explain things more. But maybe thats just a helpful delusion to get me through.
But does anyone else suffer from explosive tempers or is it truly just me?

RHT - or perhaps "must try less", Deborah Jackson has an inspirational book "Letting go as children grow".

You are right about language, it does make things easier, as you can explain things to them. BUt be prepared for the chatback too! My DD (2y 3m) the other day when told to put on her sunhat or she'll get a headache; "It's my head. Sylvia no headcake".

I've got a temper too and found this age very difficult with dd who was hard going tbh. I think I've mellowed with time & experience, although ds is a bit more placid which helps.

One thing that worked for me was setting myself targets. Like getting through just one day without losing my temper. Then after managing this I found I wanted to keep it going, so one day would become a week and so on. Sounds daft writing it down but it did help me!?

Also "acting" as if I'm a calm controlled person too. By that I mean saying to myself what would a calm person do in this situation? & then trying to behave in that way. It helps if you can spot the warning signs too - the way you feel when you're about to go off on one.

BYU - like a star chart for grown-ups?

Bob thanks! I like the small target setting - might start with an hour. He's currently refusing to go off to sleep, so lots of challenges - will stay calm until he's asleep!
Cristina, I find the chatback hilarious - he's already making me laugh with his talking, so i'm hoping it will defuse my temper a bit.
Off to soothe...

I did use to give myself a little tick in my diary when I achieved a calm day Good luck!

That is SO reassuring! DP has come in so am off the hook tonight - off to the wine!

Ooh Cristina, I like the star chart idea - but changing it to a wine&choc chart! After all I do need to modify my behaviour!

There you go! Also imagine taking yourself away from the room as your naughty step. Then you'll probably decide you don't actually want to use either technique with your DS when older but try and prevent behaviour usually conducing to it in the first place. Good luck. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Infinitely helpful to know its not just me. And I'm sorry, but twins... the thought of it is too much, can't imagine what it'd be like to double DS.
x

RHT, this is going to sound bizarre, but If I'm going through a bad patch and losing it too often, I do this thing where I imagine that I am looking after someone else's children, or that there's cctv installed for a terrifying episode of supernanny or suchlike.

It makes me take that extra half second to think about how I'm going to handle a situation. well it works for me.

Also, if your ds is only 21 months I am wondering what he is doing that is so bad as to wind you up this much, this might sound simplistic, but perhaps you could take a differant approach as to how you perceive his behaviour?

I have every sympathy with the lack of sleep, I'm sure if I slept well at night I'd be a perfect mother

Similar to what Hippo is saying, I was thinking if you go out during the day your DS might get distracted and you'd also find that you can be more relaxed or not be bad tempered in public. Or even the dreaded M&T groups, you'll find other babies your DS's age can be similar.

thanks all for help - think hippos tip is spot on - would be so ashamed if anyone saw me get angry . Am out loads anyway. think its helped just to admit i need to challenge it a bit more actively.
He's not winding me up - its just normal stuff - food on floor, won't sleep, whining, wanting things he can't have, he's generally normal, its just being a parent is harder than i thought. Its me getting wound up thats the problem. But I think I also just naturally have a quick temper that flashes, which I suspect he's inherited as well.

RHT - I have also found myself to have a terrible temper since having kids. I really hate it and think some of it is a throwback to the way I was treated as a child. My parents argued, shouted and smacked us a lot & my dad in particular got very angry with us at times. In turn my reaction to things being "out of control" as they so often are with kids - is to shout and get very cross (at least I don't smack them but have sometimes felt that this could easily happen if I'm not careful). I hate myself for it, it doesn't happen that often but when it does I feel so guilty and terrible about it.

The best way I have found to deal with it to arm myself with other ways to deal with irritating behaviour in advance. e.g. if DCs mess about getting dressed when am rushing to get to school in morning I will plan just go downstairs and make breakfast anyway.

Having star charts for the kids and being able to use time out for them has also really helped as I have a ready made solution to problems at my finger tips which does not involve shouting.

I know your DC is a bit too young for star charts etc but there are other techniques that you could use e.g. ignoring/ distracting. If you practice these in your head before they actually happen its easier to just do them when the time comes.

I also think the advice about walking away/ setting goals for yourself etc is important. I don't know what is making you angry but at least by setting up some strategies to deal with it you can avoid letting it get the better of you.