Have I f*cked this completely?

[causeimunderyourspell]

Please help me, I'm just at my wits end! I'm happy for everyone to tell me his is completely normal and that we will come out the other side with a nice child!!

My 3.5 year old - she is so highly strung and basically bratty. She's instantly shouting or crying if she doesn't get her own way. Foot stomping, flailing on the ground, argumentative "NO!" All the time.

I feel like we have majorly fucked up in some way along the line, and are going to be stuck with a horrible bratty child who does not listen and throws a strop whenever she doesn't get what she wants.

Please can someone advise me on how we can turn this around?

Typically, she is good as gold at nursery

Janet Lansbury/Elizabeth Pantley.

Just following as I have a 5yo who is exactly the same. Horrible child at home but allegedly angelic and quiet at school...

I should add that this evenings delights, resulted in a screaming fit (think murder sound effects from a horror film and you're halfway there) along with jumping and stomping as loudly as possible. I ended up smacking her bum, I'm not proud of this, but she was hysterical and I could not calm her no matter what I did. Funnily enough she stopped fairly shortly after once she knew I meant business

its normal

Pick your battles, allow her to have choice and control over herself and her environment were appropriate.

Work out if/when hunger and tiredness plays a part

And above all if it does go to a tantrum see it through to the end. No means No so if you say it mean it.

And school is a big one - they spend so much time behaving there they need some release when at home

Calmly: 'I can't hear you when you shout. Ask me quietly and politely'. Repeat until she speaks nicely. Difficult I know, but I think it works.

Janet Lansbury helped me a lot with my child and also love bombing

Sounds like you have a perfectly normal threenager 😉
Just don’t give in to the strops and the tantrums. You’ve done something right if she is behaving at nursery - ask yourself if you’d prefer it the other way round...?
Honestly, be firm and consistent, don’t give in to tantrums but validate feelings - it’s ok for her to be cross about stuff! But not ok for her to learn that strop = getting own way.
You haven’t fucked up. She is three. Her world revolves around her. She is learning and growing and life is TOUGH when you are little and feel like you have no control. Be understanding but be the grown up. She’ll get it. Honestly. Really normal. You’ve got this!

I really don't mean this to sound judgy but read through your last post again. It's basically my child got so worked up in a tantrum I hit her but that didn't calm her down. Smacking is never the answer to a tantrum. Time, space and your own calm attitude will, take a deep breath, count to 10 and in a calm neutral voice remind her what is acceptable. Stop rewarding bad behaviour with attention.

@Bobbiepin yep, I agree with you, in simple terms that is exactly what happened.

I lost control and I'll admit that. Which is why I am here asking wtf should I do as that is not the way I want to respond ever again.

She sounds like a normal 3yo tbh?

What people said about allowing choice and control, being mindful of hunger and tiredness, and not rewarding tantruming. When mine is melting down I say calmly "I'm sorry you can't do/have X, I can see that you really wanted to. When you're finished we can have a cuddle". Then I literally just... stand there silently until the tantrum burns itself out. If he's really upset he'll come for the cuddle, if he is just tantruming he usually gets over it very quickly.

Smacking isn’t the answer, although I’m sure many will say it did them no harm. If you have to hit your child to regain control, then something has gone very wrong somewhere. Was this a one off? It’s a slippery slope once you think it ‘works’.

I have a three year old daughter who can be exactly the same, perfect at nursery and erm, challenging at home. I try to ignore the tantrums unless she is being particularly bad and then she is given a time out. Sticker charts and time outside playing all help here too. If she’s screaming, she’s told that I will listen to her when she talks properly and then don’t engage any further with it. Be consistent.

It’s fucking hard, and it’s frustrating and some days I don’t think I can take much more but she’s only three. She’s not naughty, she’s a small child.

X post OP, I just saw you said it was a one off.

It will pass, I promise!

Dont turn it into a battle - from your post the problem is not that you hit her per se its that you see it as a battle and you showing you meant business stopped her. Actually she was probably shocked into calming down.

What started tonight - you say there was a tantrum but no one tantrums without a cause

What pp said, I used the 'I can't understand that voice please speak properly'

And give as many small choices eg you are wearing a coat, do you want the red or pink one today?

Remove attention where possible and it's safe to, I used to put myself on time out in another room when it all got too much.

Can you get out of the mindset that you have to make the tantrum stop?

That was a game changer for me. My thinking changed from its being my job/objective to make the tantrum stop, to its being my job to help my child with emotional regulation and providing firm boundaries. I acknowledge his feelings, I will comfort him when he's ready, but I don't budge, and how long the tantrum lasts is down to my child and not me.

@Quartz2208 I took a doll from her after 2 warnings that if she kept shouting at and being rude to me, it would be removed until tomorrow.

She was then screaming to give her the doll back and getting hysterical. Trying to push past me to get the doll. I put her on her bed to calm down, she was jumping hard, angrily up and down on the floor making a racket, and kept coming out of her room, pushing me to find the doll. We went round in circles for a while of me putting her back.

@QueenAravisOfArchenland to be honest I normally do just let her get it out of her system but I was panicking at the amount of noise she was making. The walls are thin and it must have sounded like god knows what to our neighbours!!

OP that is the battle that caused it - what was she being rude and shouting at you about

Most people (and I mean people) have triggers, things that upset them - we learn to control them as adults and recognize them as such but we all have things that start us off.

In this you still have not gotten to the start of this

I found How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen (the one for 3-5 year olds) good. Exceedingly twee and awful to read but there are a number of genuinely useful tactics that I return to again and again. DD2 is 3.3 and it's making a difference, as it did with her older sister.

@Quartz2208 her 'trigger' is purely me not responding to her every whim immediately. For example "get my doll shoe!"
"Please can you ask me nicely, then I will help you find it"
"NO! Get my doll shoe!"

Charming she sounds

My dd (3.10) goes through spates of this normally when she is exhausted so we slow everything right down to allow her to rest and unwind and if that's a day watching cartoons and eating nuggets then so be it.

She's at nursery 5 days per week and with GPS after who are also very enthusiastic and take her out and do stuff term time in the hols I'm lucky enough to be able to spend a chunk of it at home and I have to concentrate on not over loading her and pencilling in down time

She's also a stickler for routine so a few weeks of no swimming and no dancing will throw her too

Just stick with it op

This might help too:

Three-Year Old Behavior Challenges

What is life like with a three-year-old? There is something quite magical about the three-year-old year, and often something quite difficult. I have had three mothers contact me recently about life with a three-year-old – its ups and its downs..
This is how the Gesell Institute Book “Your Three-Year-Old” characterizes some of the qualities of a three and three and a half year old”

Three Years:

Conforming, decreased physical aggressiveness, happy most of the time, friendly, pleasing
Loves new words
Likes to make a choice within realm of experience
Sure of himself
Tries to meet and understand social demands
Gets along well with mother
Helpful around house
Like to relive babyhood
Beginning of interest in babies, wants family to have one
If sibling is on the way, most really do not understand baby growing inside mother
Expresses affection readily
Desires to look at and touch adults, especially mother’s breasts
Father can take over in many situations, although Mother still favored parent
Child clings less at bedtime and may go to sleep better for father
Usually enthusiastic about other children but still immature in their social reactions
Children may be more comfortable with adults other than other children – they approach adults with requests for help or information
From page 55, “ Much of a child’s conversation with any adult is still self-initiated. He may respond to what grown-ups say to him, or sometimes, he may not.”
Temper tantrums decline

Three and a Half Years:

Turbulent, troubled period of disequilibrium, the simples event or occasion can elicit total rebellion
Strong and secure gross motor abilities may turn more into stumbling, falling, at this age
New- found verbal ability “I’ll cut you in pieces!” and lots of whining
Loves silly rhymes and rhyming words, sentence length is increasing, acquiring a large vocabulary
May refuse to do things a lot, or howl and scream, or say a lot of “I can’t” I won’t” kinds of things
Three and a half to four may be the height for the most “WHY?” “WHERE?” “WHAT?” kinds of questions
Demanding, bossy, turbulent, troubled but mainly due to emotional insecurity
Mother-child relationship difficult but may also cling to mother
May refuse to take part in daily routine – may do better with almost anyone than Mother
Inwardized, insecure, anxious
Determined and self willed; emotional extremes predominate
Emotional and physical insecurity
Anxious; lots of tensional outlets such as nose-picking, nail-biting, boys may be pulling almost constantly at their penises, etc; can see stuttering and tremors of muscles at times, visual strain
May not eat well, may still have problems with bed-wetting, may wake up in the middle of the night and walk around
Afraid of almost anything and everything
Beginning of prolonged play with dolls, house building, tricycle riding
Girls may propose to Daddy at this age
If your child tells you stories, they may have violent elements in them (page 102)

THINGS THREE-YEAR OLDS DO:

Wonder at things!
Play a lot
Invent stories to tell
Talk a lot and ask a lot of questions
Love their mommies and daddies and pets!
Get all those new words and new skills!

THINGS THAT MOTHERS SAY ARE DIFFICULT ABOUT THE THREE-YEAR-OLD:

Whining
Frequent changing of mind
Wanting to play games constantly with mother and wanting her attention all the time
The difficulty that comes with dressing, eating, going to bed, taking a nap
The asking of “Why?” over and over and over

3.5 marks a period of disequilibrium - there’s so much development that they completely change. Their behaviour often reflects that.

@TittyGolightly thank you, that is so accurate and makes me feel better that this is explaining why she is behaving as she is.

Can you post the bit where they get better and calm down again please

It's reassuring to read that OP. It sounds like you're trying your best. It might help to be specific with consequences. You were clear about the outcome for her behaviour but as well as having the doll removed she ended up in her room presumably away from other toys.

As for the speech that may come along when she has more language. Always model good manners, please and thank you and stress them in conversation. Thank others, especially other DC for saying please. "Thank you for asking so nicely" etc.

Remember, this too shall pass.