Will I regret only having one child?

[rosettesforjill]

I understand this is something only I can answer, but would appreciate others' views/experiences!

I have a lovely three year old who will be four in October. He is (mostly) a sweet and cheeky little boy, hugely loved by me and DH. He's happy and sociable, with lots of friends at nursery.

We had always planned to have at least two children and my ideal timetable would have been to have a gap of two years. For various reasons, that didn't happen - mainly because I started a new job and wanted to wait for the maternity entitlement to kick in. Then there were holidays, weddings, sleep regressions and a multitude of other things that meant I didn't want to try that month.

With that plan out of the window, I'm now wondering whether I do actually want to commit to a second. I feel like the age gap is wider than I would have wanted so the benefit to DS would be less; I found the baby phase tedious and draining; and, selfishly, I'm enjoying getting back to some semblance of my previous life which will move further into the future if I have another!

DH would definitely want another in an ideal world but he would also respect what I wanted to do.

Aargh. I hope I still have a few years left to decide but I feel like psychologically if I don't do this in the next few months I never will. And I'm not sure if I will be that upset if I don't, but equally I don't know if future me will regret the whole thing.

I think if you really wanted one you wouldn't be agonising like this? And having one just to give your first a sibling isn't really enough.

I did. Although I didn't actually have the chance because I'd split from DS's dad by this point - but I always wanted it and regret not doing it. I also remember thinking that a 4 or 5 year gap would render it not worth it but IME with friends children as they get bigger it isn't that big of a gap at all and is fine.

I'm about to have a 10 year gap :o so got there in the end but it isn't the same and I think DS would have thrived with a sibling closer in age.

It's fine - he's fine. And I know lots and lots of benefits to having one child or a large gap but it is a totally different experience to having children and personally I think I would have preferred that experience.

All my friends with one (who are teenagers now) are getting to do things the ones with two or more can't really afford. I've always thought that was a distinct advantage. Travel in particular. I don't know anyone who has pangs, but then, most of them had the choice partly made for them just to have one (secondary infertility/relationship broke up/illness).

I think only you and your dh can know what you really want, but I'd actually say you have the ideal age gap if you start in the near ish future. There is 5 years between my 2 and it's been wonderful. It's been so much more enjoyable and way less stressful than I think a smaller age gap would have been.

We intentionally waited for 4 years as I had some career goals I wanted to reach before I took time off again, then there was a bit of a delay (I got pregnant but had a mc), but got pregnant again straightaway and my 2nd was born almost 5 years to the day after my first. It has been truly wonderful. I don't know how people have them closer together to be honest. My dd is old enough to be more independent, have her own activities she does and friends and life outside the home (she was half way through reception when I had ds). She's also in school all day so it means I get one on one time with him, like I had with her as a baby. And being on maternity leave has meant I've been able to be home during most of her first and second years of primary school, which has really helped the transition. She absolutely loves her brother and is such a big help and he adores her.

Honestly, I would not let an age gap put you off. In fact, I know quite a few people who have waited for exactly this age gap, including us, and it's worked great for them. And I really didn't feel we 'went back to the baby stage.' The second time around, you know what you're doing, and baby slots right into your life. It's been much easier than I expected.

@prunemerealgood We're in a pretty strong financial position so that wouldn't necessarily be an issue, although maybe I am being naive as to the additional costs! And of course situations can change so quickly so it's something to bear in mind

@peachypetite I get what you're saying, but equally I think you could put it the other way round - would I be agonising so much if I really didn't want another?!

@BertieBotts the age gap isn't as big as I have in my head really, is it? I have two siblings, the youngest of whom is 5.5 years younger than me and we get on incredibly well!

In our case, our one and only DD is much loved, but definitely enough for us.

She has some high functioning SNs, which means she still goes to mainstream school but we have more issues at school than many others do. But we've had the time to focus on those, and seen huge improvements as a result.

DH and I both work FT - and both of us actually like to work as well as it being useful to pay the mortgage and put food on the table. But it would have been much harder for me to keep going as I have had I been dealing with a second or more DCs.

We also found that, as DD got older, we started to get a semblance of personal lives back again too. We found a babysitter for occasional nights out, and we've also been happy to organize her doing whatever she wanted (within reason) outside of school. So she's done lots of PTA organized extra-curricular activities in school after school has finished (at varying costs), and been involved in various sports and other activities in the evenings/weekends as well (gaelic games and swimming lessons for a number of years, Coder DoJo for computer coding for about 2 years and she learned guitar for a year as well, she still plays hockey (although we had to give up on an outside club due to timetabling clashes - but may get back to that), and she does (a lot of!) sailing and is a very active SeaScout as well). As well as surfing and lots of sailing during the summers, and going to other camps as well when she was younger like cookery, multisports, and gaelic games and hockey camps rather than just staying in the crèche/afterschool club summer childcare provision. There's no way we could have paid for all that, or juggled the logistics!, if we had 2 to cover.

DD has plenty of friends, at home, in school, in Scouts and in sailing in particular, so hasn't lost out from not having a sibling. And she has DCousins that she sees when we get to visit "down home" or overseas DSiblings of ours get to "come home" as well (home being where we grew up rather than our own homes as adults).

We love being a family of 3, and DD does as well. We've gone on lots of holidays we probably wouldn't if trying to facilitate younger DCs or bigger groups. And now, aged 12, DD is quite happy to be quite independent at times (walked home from school alone from early 5th class, due to bullying issues in school was coming home once afterschool activities finished in 6th class rather than using the afterschool club (childcare) and did her homework and made her snack before relaxing for a couple of hours - she got home around 3.30-4pm and we arrived home about 6), she gets the bus down to the local town herself and loves doing a few jobs for us (get a bottle of milk, post a letter, small jobs like that) and even the chance to meet DH for a "coffee" in between meetings on occasions (I'm based in city centre).

There will be loads who will say you should have more. There will be loads to say 1 is enough.

You can only decide what suits YOUR family unit. And each child is different as well, so while it may be the same a 2nd time around, it may well be a different experience too.

While part of our reason for staying as a single DC family relate to her SNs, a lot of it is not. And we're very happy that way, seeing how many of my friends and family members struggle more with multiple DCs and the guilt they feel over not being able to give enough attention to each of them, compromise over outings/activities/food choices etc because of more DC, and the logistical juggling between schools and childcare and guilt about work and days to cover illnesses and all sorts.

Finances aren't the only thing though. Logistically it's dead easy to travel with one. And no bickering!

Well, we are really very happy with our only child. DH and I have been together since we were teenagers (40s now) and right from the very start have only ever planned to have one child. Neither of us have ever wanted another or felt any regret. If you ask DS he says having a brother (not a sister) would be ok sometimes as long as they were a nice kid and actually wanted to play the same games. He says most of the time he is happy he’s an only.

I love DS to bits and my life revolves around him but I don’t get broody- I have never experienced that biological need to have children and had to make a very deliberate decision to allow DS to happen! So I think it is a bit different for me.

There is a 4.5 age gap between my two and they are best friends most of the time. If your happy with the one then leave it.

You might regret one or you might not, but you won’t regret two.

Don't let the age gap put you off in terms of bind between siblings. I'm the eldest of 5, with 6 years between me and DSis1, another 7 years between her and DSis2&3 and then a further 4 years between them and the youngest. So 17 years in total from myself to youngest DSis and we are all very close. Of course we have our moments where we bicker and argue, the youngest 3 most as they have much closer age gap and are still tween/teens, but we've definitely all got a great relationship, if a little different sometimes to many siblings I know due to such large age gaps, but I think as we all become adults our age difference will all end up quite irrelevant to the dynamic of our relationships anyway tbh.

I think the biggest thing you need to consider (except finances which you say are fine) is if you can deal with the age gap, as in having to start again with the newborn stage, into the sometimes very tiring stage of a toddler etc.
You'll be dragging out the years of childcare and school runs and such, my DM said that's been her biggest issue with our age gaps; it's meant that she just last month paid her final ever childcare bill after 29 continuous years of doing so, and also had to do the final school run after 25 yrs, as youngest is off to secondary in September, so will be able to get the bus herself to and from.

QuoadUltra, few people may admit regretting a second. It doesn’t mean they don’t see that their life is much more difficult and each child has fewer opportunities than an only would have had.

Regretting the actual child and regretting the family circumstances are different. I think the latter is pretty common.

Thank you to everyone for such thoughtful and helpful replies

We have 3DC and there's slightly less than a 5 year gap between the oldest and youngest and they get on very well. I don't think it's age gap that determines how well siblings get on, it's a combination of personality and parental influence.

My Mum was effectively an only, her brother died in infancy. She was a lonely child (it was very much couple with child although how much of that was impacted by her parent's grief over her brother's death is impossible to know) and went on to have a large family herself. She said when her parents were getting older it was hard as well, she lived a long way away and had no sibling to share the burden, everything fell to her. I'm not sure getting a private education or doing masses of activities as a child necessarily makes up for that but of course like my GPs not everyone choses to have an only and you have to make your child's life as happy as you can.

I do think that the costs/freedom is one of the advantages to just having one. It's not so much the money, although it does start to get expensive, it's more that one extra person in addition to a couple (or just yourself/DH) is much easier to slot into activities than a whole troupe of you - you can be really spontaneous with one in a way that doesn't really apply with more.

You can focus much more on them which can be a really positive thing especially if your child needs more attention (and who, really, could say that ANY child would not benefit from special attention?) You have more energy and time to dedicate to any issues they may face, however small. It's much much less logistically tricky to work out things like holiday childcare, transport, schooling, extracurricular activities and travel. The child gets more used to adult company so can end up being more pleasant to be around than draining as the company of multiple children can sometimes be, especially when they are winding one another up. You can really go in depth into their interests because there's nobody else to factor in which means you can get quite into certain areas yourself which can be quite fascinating - and you can include them in your own hobbies too.

However they need you more because they don't have someone to go off and entertain each other with, which can sometimes be stifling. You end up having to do more playdates (etc) which means random other people's kids around - though this can be quite nice - I suppose it depends on the kids . You can tend to get quite sucked into thinking that everything you do for/with/about them is of utmost importance because you don't have a second child to disabuse you of the notion that parenting actually works. (Apparently, it's mostly personality - who knew? :o) You don't get that sense of easiness and specialness from being one on one that my friends with multiple kids mention when they have theirs one on one, because it's just normal.

IDK - I just think it's a much more intense relationship you have with one, whereas with more than one it's a bit more like herding cats. And which setup appeals to you or sounds harder/more offputting is likely to be highly subjective. There are lovely things and hard things about both, of course.

I think if you feel sad about having an only, or feel sorry for them and somehow try to compensate, they are likely to pick up on that and feel, maybe subconsciously, that they must have missed out on something.

I work with many families where one child’s SNs cause them to be aggressive and target violence at the parents and siblings (this is my line of work). Many of the siblings are in therapy from a young age to help them cope.

If you do have a sibling but they move to Australia or even just 100s of miles away in the UK you could well still be left bearing the burden of elderly parents alone, with added resentment of your absent sibling for good measure.

None of the ‘poor only’ arguments really make any sense to me.

That is not to say I don’t think bigger families are lovely. I just don’t get the ‘head tilt’ poor-diddums attitude about onlies.

Thanks for the interesting thread OP.

I'm currently in exact same situation. I have an 18 month old dd. Love her dearly but adapting to parenthood has been hard (despite a much longer for and planned baby). I miss a lot of aspects of our old lives. That said, were I to have my time again I would without a doubt not change a thing.
My worry is if we go on to have number 2, whilst I likely wouldn't regret them per se once they were here, I honestly worry that if asked, I mightn't be able your say that given my time again I'd have number 2. Have a wonderful DH who'd love another but we found the first year of dd life v stressful, no family around and he works away a lot. Our marriage is a big reason why I'd like to stick with one. He thinks I'm only thinking short term - he thinks in 5 or so years, when slightly more independent, we'd reap the benefits of 2. Which I guess where your question comes in would I then regret sticking with 1?!

It's the indecision and the constant thinking about it that is driving me mad more than anything!

@Fivefootoffun Sounds like we're in exactly the same position! I am besotted with DS and will sing his praises all day long, but I totally understand what you mean about wondering whether we would hand on heart not regret a single thing about having a second.

Can't be bothered reading the whole thread in case it's already turned into MN Only Child Bingo but DH and I have never regretted having just the one DD She's 14 now and very happy.

Exact same position here, one absolutely lovely DC but for so many reasons I do not want to start again with TTC, pregnancy, birth, a new baby, toddler. It feels like a slog I just don't want to entertain, with so many added complications to a life that already feels like a juggle at the best of times!

I love hearing positive stories of parents of onlies so thank you for this thread :)

@rosettesforjill it's so hard to know isn't it. I read on another thread about it being a gamble which could pay off (i.e. Easy second baby, 2 dc get on etc) but equally can be as much of a gamble the other way (where the potential regret might come in). We're at a stage not erre things are getting easier, we can leave dd with my parents for a night away etc - the thought of going back to the early days really does little for me! I think it's the guilt of depriving dd of a sibling that gets me. I know it's irrational, I know not all siblings get on but the guilt is still there.

@KathfromSalesandMarketing - thanks so much for the positive feedback. It really does help so much. I know in my heart we could give dd a wonderful life with just the 3 of us. We have no family cousins etc around and I do worry though about that aspect. Thanks again, much appreciated.

@Mila86 - sounds familiar! We feel like we're getting some kind of a life back. To go back to square one with a new born fills me with dread! I'm not honestly sure if we had a second we would ever have the level of freedom we do now (not that we've much!!) but one just seems easy for travelling, babysitting, sharing between us so we can both pursue hobbies etc. Maybe that sounds selfish but I'm a great believer in happy parents, happy child!

I’m a very happy only child..never missed having a sibling. DH has two siblings one of whom he loathes and theydont speak and the other he is distant from. A sibling is no guarantee...

As a result of my positive experiences...I have a very happy only child too.

I was a happy only and my ds6 is a happy only too. It's suited us and to be honest with how our life has panned out (not how we expected) I'm glad we just had one! But it is a very personal decision.