Will I regret only having one child?

[rosettesforjill]

I understand this is something only I can answer, but would appreciate others' views/experiences!

I have a lovely three year old who will be four in October. He is (mostly) a sweet and cheeky little boy, hugely loved by me and DH. He's happy and sociable, with lots of friends at nursery.

We had always planned to have at least two children and my ideal timetable would have been to have a gap of two years. For various reasons, that didn't happen - mainly because I started a new job and wanted to wait for the maternity entitlement to kick in. Then there were holidays, weddings, sleep regressions and a multitude of other things that meant I didn't want to try that month.

With that plan out of the window, I'm now wondering whether I do actually want to commit to a second. I feel like the age gap is wider than I would have wanted so the benefit to DS would be less; I found the baby phase tedious and draining; and, selfishly, I'm enjoying getting back to some semblance of my previous life which will move further into the future if I have another!

DH would definitely want another in an ideal world but he would also respect what I wanted to do.

Aargh. I hope I still have a few years left to decide but I feel like psychologically if I don't do this in the next few months I never will. And I'm not sure if I will be that upset if I don't, but equally I don't know if future me will regret the whole thing.

I waited nearly 9 years to have my 2nd 😊 I thought I wasn't going to have Another as I was being a bit selfish with enjoying my freedom after the baby stage.

@NotSoThinLizzy (great name!) how has it worked out for you?

My two have an age gap of fours years to the day. I never wanted an only, always just assumed I'd have more so it wasn't really a choice. They love each other and play together occasionally but the fighting will send me to the local secure unit, no word of a lie. So while I obviously wouldn't be without dc2, I often think for my own mental health one might have been the more sensible option. Only you can make the decision really.

@Fivefootoffun yes I feel the same! We get to tag team the parenting so we both get plenty of breaks which I think keeps us sane. I don't think we would get the nights away and breaks we do now with two, and I also very selfishly don't want to give up holidays etc which make working hard most of the year feel worth it if that makes sense! It is the sibling thing that gets me too. Always feel the guilt but we are hoping that will diminish as our DC gets older, especially as the cousin relationships are so lovely to see now too

@Fivefootoffun and @Ohyippedydooda yes, I echo all of this! Happy parents is so important and I don't think it is actually selfish to want a balanced life, I feel like being a parent to one lets me enjoy the experience fully but still allow me to do other things, work, travel, just think and be me! Not sure that makes sense, but I am tired this evening!

@Ohyippedydooda - absolutely! Although I was reading on another forum (can you tell this plays on my mind a lot!) that we probably feel guilty about depriving them of the ideal sibling i.e. A friend for life, best friend, playmate etc whereas the reality not always the case. But yeah, the guilt/uncertainty is real!

I have 4, from my experience the jump from 1 to 2 was by far the easiest, obviously that’s only my experience! But other parents I have spoken to have agreed.
Personally I found 1 overwhelming and 2 much easier, but everyone’s different.

Thanks fivefootffun 😊 it's been great as older when helps out getting nappies playing with baby. Also they have such a bond even with the gap. When baby sees her he lights up. They can "talk" to each other for hours 😂 I didn't feel ready to have Another until she was a lot older life gets in the way as it does. I'm very lucky as I have loads of time on my hands

So I have two and I have a 2.5year gap.

The things I have learnt about myself....I wish I had a bigger gap - I personally would have coped better. Also, I was happy with one and I am happy with two. Sometimes I think one would have been much easier but I always saw myself with two children?! I am hoping that as they get bigger two will be a good number - I know for sure I dont want three.

I have also so far found two much harder than double of one!

It’s a tough call... :)

I have agonised over this for four years since dc was 2 and all my friends were having their second. I didn't feel ready .. we found it very hard, dc was not a good sleeper, our relationship was tested to the limit, no family support nearby, both demanding jobs

I also worried that as we had been blessed with a healthy happy dc whether we would be pushing our luck in trying again and spent many hours worrying about how we would cope with a child with disabilities or miscarriages or twins..

Also my career which was affected badly when I had my dc and returned to work part time started to get back on track, dc got older and easier and went to school and dh and I were happy

And then I felt like maybe we could do it again but that has only been in the last few months and now I think it's not a good idea because of the age gap ( dc is now nearly 6 ) and also unlikely to happen anyway because of my age ( I am early 40s) so I am 90 percent sure we will not try . DH could be persuaded I think if I really wanted to but is equally happy with our little family

And that's the thing I don't know if I really want to.. although the thought of closing the door and saying no does fill me with sadness... but I hope that is normal and if I do look back on it and regret my decision in years to come I will remind myself that I had good reasons at the time. The thing is there is no right answer and unless you have a crystal ball you won't be able to know whether or not you made the right decision.

I do remember reading a thread in here a few years ago from a poster greeneyedgoddess who said she regretted not having another and she was 44 with an 8 year old. She said it ate her up every day and she thought about it constantly and couldn't enjoy her life because she was constantly thinking about it and feeling envious of families with more than one child. I hope that won't be me in a few years!

Good luck

Grieving over not having a second childhttp://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/onechildd_families/1695765-Grieving-over-not-having-a-second-child

Sorry it was greenfingeredgoddess

Thread above

I often wonder how she is doing now

I think it's important to acknowledge that one child regret does exist, especially since that was what the OP was asking. It's not the same thing as saying oh yes you will definitely regret not having a second because only children are awful - it's just saying yes, there's a possibility you'll look back and wish you'd gone for it regardless.

I don't think that only children suffer or have a bad lot - but it's absolutely possible for a parent to feel it wasn't the right outcome for them - surely? That's not being negative about only children or one child families. I bet there are parents of multiple children who wish they had stopped at one, or two, or three or whatever - there is always the potential for regret. None of us have a crystal ball.

There’s benefits and draw backs to every family set up and I can completely see that one kid means you can offer them more resources emotionaly, financialy and in terms of focus, time and energy. I also think there’s no one way to make a happy childhood and happy families exist in every configuration.

That said, my best friend is an only child and watching her experience of growing up made me sure I wanted my kids to have siblings. She is now in her 30s, her mother died of an illness a few years ago and her father has lost his cognitive facilities after a stroke. She spent her 20s dealing with their issues by herself with no one to share the emotional or practical load. I think it’s worth considering the benefits of siblings in adulthood as well as during childhood.

I do know that lots of people have siblings who they don’t like or who don’t share responsibilities anyway and I don’t mean to be critical of people who chose to have one.

One is easier - mine are two years apart. However in my case my first was a difficult demanding baby and the second is quite relaxed, so while my workload has increased it hasn't doubled, if that makes sense. Of course no way to know if that will be your experience!

I'd say look at your family situation. Do you and your DH have siblings? Extended family? Only because I think an only child especially if parents were older (late 30s/40s) when born and with limited extended family, will struggle with caring responsibilities as the parents age.

That worries me as we are older but I hope we will hang on long enough for dc to meet someone who will support him when we pop our clogs!

So to update, this was all academic as I think I was just pregnant as I wrote this post... I must have ovulated super early 😬

All being well it looks as if my ovaries have made the decision for me!

Congratulations!

Congrats!