MIL and Instagram

[Firsttimer1234]

My son is now 9 weeks old, ever since he was born I've had problem after problem with my MIL and FIL. Mainly being too much, turning up at the hospital uninvited, at the house everyday for the forst two weeks I was home, scaling the gate to get in the back garden when I ignored the front door etc etc. Now I love instagram, post pictures of my lovely son and me and hubby and its a good way to keep in touch with my family that don't live anywhere near and don't get to see my son. My MIL follows me on instagram and comments and likes everything. She'll then text phone hubby and ask him about it. For example I post a picture of us in a park, she then will phone hubby within seconds and want every detail. This is the case with everything! I just feel like we don't have a private life. I know some people will say don't post it then but I post it as a record for myself something to look back on and for my friends and family to see, they all don't phone me up and start quizzing me about everything. Got to the point where she saw a picture that I'd posted of my son in the pushchair and she'd recognised that it was in the doctors so she phoned my husband up to quiz him, it was actually my after birth check up, so she then began to discuss what methods of birth control I should get from the doctor. They're just too much and I've had conversations with my husband to the point where I've told him how down they are making me. Nothing changes. I was hoping having a baby meant that me and my hubby started our journey as a new little family but it's not just the three of us, our family is me, my husband, my son and my MIL. Do I delete MIL off Instagram? That way she isn't involved in every single aspect of our lives?

1. Block her on Instagram and make your account private so she has no way around it.

1. Tell your dh not to answer the phone every time and also not to discuss private medical details. A simple ‘I’m sorry mum but that’s private/none of your business’ should do it.

Right so clearly your DH has a really lovely close relationship with his mother. This is wonderful for him because he has known her her entire life but not so much for you. I suggest you tone it down on the Instagram (blocking her will be incredibly hostile). Does Instagram let you show certain posts only to some people like Facebook? This may be a good option. Don't answer the door if you don't want to. If you do answer the door ask her to call first next time at the end of the visit. Explain to your DH that you don't want yo ruin their relationship or start a conflict with her but you really don't want to have the ki D if relationship with her that he does. You are trying your best to keep the peace but if he doesn't make an effort to keep your contact with MIL to a reasonable amount you will end up taking more drastic measures to distance yourself which will be unpleasant for everyone.

You need some more boundaries.

I don't know Instagram, can you just post for yourself, for your own record?

I think your dh needs to speak to them when things happen, like when they scale the gate. But if you're there on your own, you need to pull them up on it like you would anyone. Use your sharp voice. Eg
"What are you doing? / This isn't appropriate / What if I was walking round naked? / You need to ring first not scale the gate!"

Re. Contraception: "That's private."

I like Racecardriver's answer.

I’m sorry, but you are choosing to post the photos. You will still have your photos and memories as a ‘record’for you, and in the nicest possible way, your friends will not care if they don’t see photos of your baby.

Your MIL is being unreasonable, but the best way to make her back off is to not put your photos out there.

You could set up a whatapp group with the people you are happy to share the photos with, and your MIL will be none the wiser.

I’ve learned the hard way that the only way to make interfering PILs stop is to restrict the information you give them about your life.

Sorry but my friends do care if they see pictures of my baby, so it's pretty rude to say they don't.

That sounds incredibly annoying; I do think it’ll probably settle down over time though. In the mean time I’d block her on Instagram and ask your DH not to discuss private things about you with her. I imagine at some point he will also get sick of this and not answer her so much.

What did your husband say about them scaling the gate?

So just text the photos of your baby to your friends? You don’t HAVE to put them on instagram.

Either stop posting, or continue and deal with over the top MIL. It’s really quite simple.

I think you and your DH need to have a sit down with her (without your baby there otherwise she'll get distracted) and discuss boundaries.

I should have done this when my MIL started doing stuff like that and I didn't and now, 5 years later she is even worse!

Really annoys me that people just accept that some grandparents are too much and interfering and that it should just be accepted and that I'm being unreasonable. The amount of people that say 'oh my mil was like that' or 'I had the same issues'. Because its grandparents does it just have to be accepted and I just have to let them get on with making me unhappy? They turned up at hospital, uninvited and without me knowing and stood outside my curtain while the midwife was checking my stitches for discharge. No one seems to see a problem with this. Not even my hubby

That's so intrusive. I think your husband needs to have the conversation with them really.

I don’t think that you PILs’ behaviour is acceptable at all, they sound like a nightmare.
I’m just suggesting that you stop posting photos to instagram.

They sound like a nightmare.
Can you filter what she can see on IG?

God id hate this!
Block her on social media. Dont feel guilty for having boundaries. Her behaviour is not normal its invasive.

I don't think you can filter IG but you shouldn't have to not share because of this.

Would she be at all receptive to your husband telling her to back off or you’ll stop sharing anything with her?

You cant individually filter instagram but you can set your account to private and then not accept her as a follower which would mean she cannot see anything you post

And I hate it that people always victim blame when it comes to social media behaviour.
I have had two instances of abusive behaviour and stalking and peoples answer to me was that I should delete all social media.
As if I was bring someone treating me like shit on myself by having an online presence at all.
That is so ridiculous. You would tell someone who got shouted at by a mentalist in the street that they brought it on themselves by being out and about!
OP you are not responsible for someone being invasive online and you are well within your rights to tell them to stop and block them if they continue.... Just because you like to post photos does not give anyone the right to essentially stalk you

Your DH needs to tell her to respect your privacy a bit more. Scaling the gate to get in the back garden when you didn't answer the door? They sound like loons!

Having said that, I think her liking and commenting on Instagram posts is absolutely fine. Try not to overreact to things that are perfectly ok because you're annoyed about other things iyswim.

There are always two sides to every story ( except in the case of MH) it sounds as though this is their first grandchild. They are far too over involved, probably through excitement.
There is no doubt that they are wearing you down, but on the other hand they are NOT mind readers either.
I have to admit that I was so incredibly excited when my first GC was born that I went bananas. I bought too much stuff and fell deeply in love....BUT the difference was that it was a daughter’s baby.
So I was sat down and ‘told’ Stop buying and stop making demands. . I listened and stopped. I did feel a bit hurt as I am only human. No one likes being told off, after all.

You can cut your PILs out of your life for what they are feeling and doing to annoy you, and they will never know WHY unless you tell them. Surely it’s much better and humane to try and tell them as kindly as possible, that they are overwhelming you ?
The best and most successful marriages are where all family members try and get on.
The knives are usually out for MiLs on Mumsnet and even when those of us who are MiLs, try and relate our experiences, purely in order to save a miserable situation escalating, our advice is often treated in a derisory manner.
The relationship between inlaws is rather unique as you are inherited, rather than a blood relative. You have to try and get on and love one another, and it’s not easy.

You could engage your DH to tell his Parents to stop, but unless they are totally stupid, they will know the directive comes from you.
The outcomes from 2nd hand conversations are not so satisfactory. Hard as might seem, it is better for you to speak to them.

Practice beforehand saying your piece in a non confrontational and assertive manner, leaving them with some dignity if you can.

Remember that there is absolutely nothing to be gained by them in trying to hurt you. Why would they? I personally would do anything to get on with my SIl s and DILs but we need some dialogue, surely.
Otherwise we have only have sulking and cold shouldering as a alternative.

My username isn’t grammatically correct ( I know but I am not absolutely sure how to change it) just in case the Grammar Police feel like commenting.
Best of luck OP, as dealing with in laws successfully, can be fraught. Go for ‘the talk’ option.
If they continue afterwards, then they are a ‘ nightmare’ and deserve all they get.

You can be sensible and realise some people mean well but genuinely need others to impose boundaries for them. In this instance address directly every time she and by proxy your husband invade your space, especially when it comes to your sexual health. Just say objectively and without a question mark at the end, "Of course, that's private information I won't be sharing". You're stuck with her for life, best to nip this in the bud now. Next time she climbs a fence she reaches a locked door. Wave through the window and mouth, "Of course now isn't going to work for me. You should have called first".

Or be really inflammatory and start posting instead from estate agents saying, "New baby, new city, new start". Give her something to get worked up about.

Disgusted that folk think it's fine to treat a new mother like this.

She sounds like an entitled pain in the arse.
As your husband is very close with her perhaps ‘back off’ would sound better coming from him.

get another instagram account and keep the
old one very boring.

She sounds a bit batshit tbh.

I’d either block her on IG and make your account private or I’d do as a PP suggested and create a new one for your friends, don’t let her know about it and leave her stuck on the empty old one.

Also your DH needs to tell her she’s unhinged.