Today I smacked my son, please don't shoot me

[arabella2]

I had vowed I would never do this but today I did. I was having a very stressful time in Sainsbury's where I was with him, a huge trolley full of bags, and his baby five month old sister. He is 3 in November. He had been on the Noddy car while I was holding his sister (who had been crying so I had got her our of the trolley baby seat) with our huge heavy trolley next to us. He ran on far ahead of me after the Noddy car had stopped and I could see that he was going to get to outside long before I could with the baby in my arms and trying to push our shopping. So I left the trolley there and ran on ahead to him and told him to stop or at least to only run inside and not to go outside (he is not terribly car safe at the moment and the outside pavement becomes the car park in a way in which he wouldn't necessarily see, also he was tired and not really thinking). It's all a bit of a blur then because he ran away from me I think... anyway, I gave the baby to the guy at customer services so I had two hands and grabbed my son (not very nice dragging and trying to carry him here as he did not want to come with me) so that I could go back the miles to get our huge trolley where I had left it. He struggled so I think at this point I put him down and told him to walk next to the trolley (it's all a bit of a blur as it was quite traumatic)... anyway we must have made our way back to customer services where the baby (dd) was SCREAMING and being held by a security guard (?) and there was a little crowd gathered and I'm sure I heard someone say "police". Also as I was trying to get to her someone in front of me said "what kind of person would leave their baby" to which I replied that I had not LEFT MY BABY... I got there and the security guard said was she mine, so I looked at the customer service person with whom I had left her a few minutes previously and told him that he had known whereupon he just grinned at me gormlessly so I don't know what the hell had gone on there. Anyway, I took my screaming daughter from the security guard who was holding her very badly and told them I needed help with my trolley. I think at this point ds must have run off again and actually gone outside, or maybe he had already run off while I was trying to get dd. Anyway, I ran outside after him (and I cannot for the life of me remember if I had dd with me at the time but I must have done), caught up with him, smacked him on his bottom and told him never ever to run away from me again like that and go outside because of the dangerous cars. He cried and said that I had hurt his bottom and hit him / banged him... However it changed the mood from giggly defiance to anger and tears and he came inside the supermarket but then lay down on the floor. Then a customer in the end helped me with my trolley and we made our way to my car. I told her I had smacked my son and that I didn't want to do that - she said she had also smacked her almost 4 year old daugther over similar issues of safety...
I told dh about all this (he is away 3 days a week every week which is driving me mad as I cannot go and spend all my time with family... with my two kids and it is very hard being with both of them 24 hours a day without any help - both big and little one wake in the night and I am a physical wreck though unbelievably holding up).. and he said oh no. He has smacked ds 3 or 4 times always over issues of hurting his sister and I have disagreed and told him (and ds for that matter so how confusing is that for him when I turn round and do the same thing as I was saying his daddy shouldn't do). When I reminded him of this he said yes but he is "tarred" now. The thing is I agree with this, I am tarred too now and I did not want ever to do this. However he does not listen to me at all over some things (and for a while now) and while it doesn't matter over safe things terribly much, it really does when it comes to cars and safety... I did not have the strength to carry him back inside screaming and anyway what would I then have done with sister and trolley. Plus I think I wanted him never to do this kind of thing again so in some way make sure he remembered... I was very angry as well... I know he is tiny but he sometimes behaves with spectacular disregard for anything you are going through... I still wish I hadn't done this though as I think you just teach that hitting is okay by smacking your child. Also, how will I ever be able to hug him in quite the same way after I have done this??? I do not want to be judge and jury in his life deciding when he has nice contact with me and when he doesn't... In the car going home I told him again how dangerous the car park is and that he can't go there without me blah blah. When he didn't respond I asked him whether he was listening to me to which he coldly replied that he didn't want to listen to me. Anyway since then we have been getting on fine with a few cuddles but I wander what his little head has made of it all... how can Mummy have hit him?? (smacked more like but to him that is hitting - is there a difference... plus it wasn't a tap, it was a smack which I wanted him to know it was a smack because otherwise he would not have taken it seriously so in my paranoia I even checked if there was a bruise on his bottom tonight which of course there wasn't because it wasn't hard enough for that and I knew he had a nappy on etc...). On the other hand though, in the past I have completely lost it with him shouting when he had been naughty for long periods of time (usually when dh is away and he knows exactly how to wind me up... or things to do with his little sister whom at first he would try to hurt in some ways like once throwing a packet of nappies across the room which landed on her), so is this one smack any worse than shouting like a banshee and half throwing him on the sofa like I have done in the past???
I love him very much and so does dh and most of our time is spent in very affectionate contact, both of us are very cuddly with him and he is like that with us...
Also, I don't know if I can even have the "you know why Mummy smacked you" conversation with him, because I don't really think I should have and I certainly don't agree with smacking as a tool for discipline so how can I look him in the face and say why I did it when I don't think I should have anyway and that in some way I have violated his body / trust?
I'd be interested in anbody's opinions but please don't be too nasty with me if you are anti-smacking because I don't think I could take it.
Thank you for reading this far if you have.

Now thinking about it, I should have tried to get his attention by asking him if he wanted to go and get some bear crisps which might have calmed him down and got him to follow me... but I was so rattled that I did not think of this. Also, sometimes I get fed up having to think of a "bribe" of some kind (be it in terms of distraction or of something he might like to do / look at / have) every time we want to do something with him like dress him etc...
The poor thing was tired and hungry which goes part of the way to explaining his irrationality, and also once we became locked in the battle of " you stay here next to me / no I won't" it was difficult to get out of it

Poor you. I am anti-smack, but won't shoot you. I think everyone can understand how someone in your situation came to smack your child. You don't normally smack and you feel bad about it. It might happen again on a similar occasion or it might never happen again. I personally think the more calculated use of smacking to discipline a child is worse and that we could all find ourselves in your situation occasionally. Don't beat yourself up over it. I doubt your son will even remember being smacked.

dont feel bad. You were very stressed at the time. Have you thought about doing your shopping online? I do and its much easier.....ds1 and dd love helping me unload it all. Its much less stressful than dragging 3 kids round the supermarket. Above all....this does NOT make you a bad mother.

arabella - thank you for saying all of this to us - it is really brave, and must have helped you to say it all (and it will help us too whenever we're in similar situations, knowing we're not the only ones).

I reckon that the thing that really ruffled you was the whole thing about you "abandoning" your daughter. That would have really got my goat and made me very very angry. I would have a word with the store manager, because the way the customer service guy acted was really disgusting and unfair.

I was dealing with a supermarket incident with my toddler when an inteferring old b*tch went and reported that ds had been adandoned (I am lucky in that ds tends to protest in a "sit down, scream, don't move" way). Until that point I felt I had been coping with his tantrum pretty well, displaying some good parenting skills! But once she had reported him as abandoned I could feel anger boiling up inside me - it was partly anger that she thought I was a bad parent/that ds was a bad child, but I think it was mostly just the overwhelming feeling of awfulness if I ever was to be separated from ds and how my life would end there and then.

So big hugs to you (and ds). You did it because you loved him and dd and everyone was acting stupidly around you (apart from the lady in the carpark who was a saint). When I read your story I thought "would I have been the lady in the carpark or the man at customer service?" If I ever see something like that happening - I hope I will remember to be the lady in the carpark!

arabella2-poor you, you sound positively traumatised. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I too have on occasion smacked ds1. Maybe 5 times in his 3.9yr life. Once for complete and utter defiance, despite warnings that if it continued I would smack him, counting to 3 etc, telling him it would hurt etc, but the defiance continued and I felt I couldnt back down. And a couple of times over deliberate bullying tactics over ds2 (17mo younger) involving bashing the living daylights out of ds2.
I am theoretically against smacking as a form of punishment because I feel that how am I supposed to get the message across that bashing ds2 is bad if I go and smack him? But in circumstances like yours I think I would have done exactly the same. He needed to be told, and getting through to him as quickly as possible was important, for his safety and your daughters.
Now the thing would be to sit down and talk to him. Apologise for smacking him (something I always do with ds1)explain why you did it, how dangerous the car park is without you, that you'd never want anything bad to happen to him as you love him so much, and that you were really worried that if he ran off he'd get badly hurt....allow him to say how he feels, if he can, adn reassure him. Try and do all this with just him so there arent any interuptions from dd. He'll be pleased with the positive attention and hopefully some of what you say will be absorbed and hopefully both of you will learn from it. I never promise that I'll never do it again because despite all of my best intentions I know it might, and then ds1 knows that if the limits are being repidly approached the mere mention of a possible smack and he desists.

I have always explained to the kiddies about road safety at every opportunity. They know they are too small to be seen by reversing cars in car parks and that if they see a white light on the back of the car, then its reversing and to move out of the way quickly. I always make them hold my hand around cars and when returning to the car after supermarket shopping ds1 and 2 hang onto the sides for a ride if I cant physically hold their hand. I just keep repeating to hold on tight and we make it without incident!! So far, they have never run off anywhere near cars, so I feel fortunate about that, and they accept that it is a family rule to be close to me when we are, fingers crossed it never will.

Your relationship with ds will be v v quickly back on track, and yes it will be the same, dont worry. He'll forgive you, and hopefully you'll be able to forgve yourself too. Please!!!

arabella, please dont be so hard on yourself {{}} I have smacked my son over similar issues to you. he ran into a busy road when i had my daughter with me (who is disabled and has no concept that a road is dangerous) , so I had to leave my daughter on the path to get him. In the 'panic' I smacked him and he knew about it. Some people were tut-tutting at me as they could see off a balcony. I, like you, felt awful. I think when they puyt themselves in danger like he did then sometimes smacking does happen. Please dont beat yourself up about it, he has most probably forgotten now anyway.

As for the stress wiuth your husband being away, i know how that feels. I am pulling my hair out with my 2 and nothing ever seems to get done. My Mum is having to come down and help me for a few days because I am just at the end of my tether Please dont be so hard on yourself

arabella 2, you poor thing.
I remember being in a similar position (not a shop) when ds was just born and dd was about 2.5 months.
She ran off in a crowded place, and I was scared witless.
It's amazing how nobody helps at times like this, they just prefer to stare isn't it? - and yes, not unnaturally you get extremely stressed.
It is a learning experience dealing with 2 kids on your own (takes time).. my tip would be to try and simplify things (online shop is a good idea)
and don't be too hard on yourself, you are undoubtedly exhausted. Take it easy.
You aren't alone.

Arabella2, I wouldn't worry about it. It was obviously an extreme situation and I'm sure you and your DS have both learned from it. I would just try to put it behind you now and not dwell on it. You explained to DS why you smacked his bottom and I would leave it at that. I'm sure he'll forget about the smacking (but hopefully remember the lesson) as long as you don't bring it up again.

And try not to keep punishing yourself about it. You're obviously a very caring mother or you wouldn't be so concerned about it.

Arabella, I think you can still have the 'you know why mummy smacked you' conversation. It might make you feel a lot better and ought to straighten out any confusion in his head, if you had a chance to hold your hands up to him and SAY that you never wanted to smack him, you don't think it's right, hitting people is not good, etc. No need to paint a picture of yourself as a woman out of control, but if you can get across to him that you responded in a flash to a potentially dangerous situation for him, perhaps it would underline the seriousness of his behaviour. More confusion comes of leaving what was obviously a major event undiscussed.

anyway it sounds horrible, poor you, hope you feel better today...

ok so it was today that you posted! obviously not much sleep last night then...Do look after yourself. (Not with a birch twig.)xxx

Sympathy from me too. Like you, on principle I don't smack (though have done it about 3 times) but roads/safety/running away is my one crunch point and I know it's the same for loads of others. So I am saying, first, I know how you feel and, second, in your shoes I bet others (including me) would have done the same - you are not a pariah.

You were in a horrible frantic situation of danger, stress and exhaustion (including, as to exhaustion, your dd, it sounds like) and for someone in that situation I think you were being as level-headed as could be expected - I suspect for instance I wouldn't have thought of asking someone to look after dd, and instead would have run after ds with her under my arm, which would have been dangerous for her.

On talking to your ds, if mine is anything to go by, once you've had a cosy word about how you love him he'll simply move on and won't remember the stress at all. It's much more important for you to forgive yourself, and for that I think you need some perspective - which depending on what you are like could come from some support (eg responses here), and/or perhaps if possible a few hours' rest from the children - can anyone help you?

You poor thing! You sound totally frazzled and traumatised, and much more upset than your son. I don't like smacking, but you did sound at the end of your tether and I certainly understand the panic when a child is near traffic. I think the other shoppers and staff were extremely unhelpful and definitely multiplied your stress, and your husband being away when you have a toddler and a baby who wakes up must be hell. I don't know how you manage.
Personally, I find it helpful to say to my son that I am sorry I was so cross and to go on to say that I was very worried about him going near scary traffic, where there are cars that could hurt him very much, which would make mummy very sad and that he MUST stay with me. I've done this speech dozens of times and he is much more aware now and voluntarily holds my hand in car parks and to cross the road. Don't beat yourself up about this, you were at the end of your tether. As for bribes - think of them as rewards and incentives and you will feel much better. After all, we all need them.

So sorry you had such a horrid day. Your little boy will no more stop loving his Mummy for the occasional outburst than you stop loving him because he sometimes drives you to distraction.
It sounds as if you are coping with a lot, and he is coming to terms with a new sister, so don't be slow to do what you can to make life easier.

No, personally, I don't think a smack is worse than screaming like a banshee or throwing him on the sofa. But in truth - and I say this because this is something I had to ask myself a few months ago - if you feel that you are being driven to this point more often than you feel comfortable with, in your heart of hearts, it might be worth checking with yourself or your doctor whether you are suffering from a touch of depression. It doesn't have to be PND, a low-level chronic deprssion can easily set in following the hormonal disruption of pregnancy etc.

But if you know you are just being driven over the edge occasionally like any Mum of two little ones would, then stop worrying and, as others have said, don't beat yourself up!

And yes, of course he will still love you! Just as you still love him. Though it was clearly an upsetting incident for you, I don't think it is such a big deal in the long run. You will hug him in exactly the same way again - of course you will!
On a slightly differnt note, I think if you disagree about smacking with your husband you should keep that between yourself and not tell your ds if you think daddy was wrong or if he thinks you were wrong. A united front helps IMO, even if you fight about it between yourselves.

Arabella, you need a break. You really do. You poor thing.

I all too frequently shout, which is just as bad as smacking and makes me feel awful. I do try and apologise to dd1 afterwards and I think it does get across. HTH.

agree with all that's been said here arabella, totally understandable but of course, horrible situation for you. I really shouted at DS yesterday and felt terrible about it afterwards, really racked with guilt but I just said to him "I'm really sorry I shouted but I was cross because you shouldn't have done that, it was a naughty thing to do." Then we had a hug. I still spent the night berating myself of it though.
Of course you love him and of course he loves you. be honest and open with him and try not to dwell on it.

I think apologising is good - and sets the example that they can apologise and talk about how they felt after an outburst too.

I used to hate the way my father would explode with rage and then nothing would be mentioned about it. Unfortunately i seem to have the same short patience that he has but i try to be aware of that and admit the fault when it occurs IFYKWIM

How are you feeling today, Arabella?

Arabella - please don't beat yourself u about this. I am anti-smack too but I was almost hyperventiliating reading your post and can see how stressed out you were. I also think it doesn't do a child any harm now and again to see that they have made you really cross - you are only human. I think it is important to talk to your son about what happened and how everyone gets cross sometimes but it's not ok to hit when you are cross and that you sorry. And why you were cross - because you were so worried he might be hurt by a car. And then move on.

One practical point - reins for your ds? Or one of those wrist things? I specifically bought a 2nd hand double buggy when I had dd, even though I knew I'd prob only use for 6 months and then sell, because I knew I wouldn't be able to trust DS on a buggy board and didn't want to add to my high stress levels coping with toddler and new baby! You sound like you're having a tough time and sometimes practical things like this help to stop a situation arising in the first place.

Hugs to you - you sound like you

Issymum, I'm an 'antismacker' but actually posted that I didn't think it was such a big deal!

...lost a bit off the end of message! That's teach me to preview....

Hi Arabella 2. Hope you are feeling a little calmer/less shocked about things today. I would class myself as anti-smacking except to warn away child from physical danger, and can completely understand why you lost it. Agree with the other posters as to how difficult it must be for you. Have you thought of complaining about the behaviour of the customer services/security staff in not dispelling the crowds away and providing better assistance to you. I consider that their behaviour was completely inappropriate as they ought to be defusing the situation.

some great advice and comments here already, arabella. i don't think it is the end of the world and agree that the store staff were about as much use as a bunch of chocolate teapots. i too do shopping on-line - couldn't face the thought of dragging ds round the supermarket for a big shop. i would apologise and explain why what he did was wrong.

hope you are feeling better today.