Today I smacked my son, please don't shoot me

[arabella2]

I had vowed I would never do this but today I did. I was having a very stressful time in Sainsbury's where I was with him, a huge trolley full of bags, and his baby five month old sister. He is 3 in November. He had been on the Noddy car while I was holding his sister (who had been crying so I had got her our of the trolley baby seat) with our huge heavy trolley next to us. He ran on far ahead of me after the Noddy car had stopped and I could see that he was going to get to outside long before I could with the baby in my arms and trying to push our shopping. So I left the trolley there and ran on ahead to him and told him to stop or at least to only run inside and not to go outside (he is not terribly car safe at the moment and the outside pavement becomes the car park in a way in which he wouldn't necessarily see, also he was tired and not really thinking). It's all a bit of a blur then because he ran away from me I think... anyway, I gave the baby to the guy at customer services so I had two hands and grabbed my son (not very nice dragging and trying to carry him here as he did not want to come with me) so that I could go back the miles to get our huge trolley where I had left it. He struggled so I think at this point I put him down and told him to walk next to the trolley (it's all a bit of a blur as it was quite traumatic)... anyway we must have made our way back to customer services where the baby (dd) was SCREAMING and being held by a security guard (?) and there was a little crowd gathered and I'm sure I heard someone say "police". Also as I was trying to get to her someone in front of me said "what kind of person would leave their baby" to which I replied that I had not LEFT MY BABY... I got there and the security guard said was she mine, so I looked at the customer service person with whom I had left her a few minutes previously and told him that he had known whereupon he just grinned at me gormlessly so I don't know what the hell had gone on there. Anyway, I took my screaming daughter from the security guard who was holding her very badly and told them I needed help with my trolley. I think at this point ds must have run off again and actually gone outside, or maybe he had already run off while I was trying to get dd. Anyway, I ran outside after him (and I cannot for the life of me remember if I had dd with me at the time but I must have done), caught up with him, smacked him on his bottom and told him never ever to run away from me again like that and go outside because of the dangerous cars. He cried and said that I had hurt his bottom and hit him / banged him... However it changed the mood from giggly defiance to anger and tears and he came inside the supermarket but then lay down on the floor. Then a customer in the end helped me with my trolley and we made our way to my car. I told her I had smacked my son and that I didn't want to do that - she said she had also smacked her almost 4 year old daugther over similar issues of safety...
I told dh about all this (he is away 3 days a week every week which is driving me mad as I cannot go and spend all my time with family... with my two kids and it is very hard being with both of them 24 hours a day without any help - both big and little one wake in the night and I am a physical wreck though unbelievably holding up).. and he said oh no. He has smacked ds 3 or 4 times always over issues of hurting his sister and I have disagreed and told him (and ds for that matter so how confusing is that for him when I turn round and do the same thing as I was saying his daddy shouldn't do). When I reminded him of this he said yes but he is "tarred" now. The thing is I agree with this, I am tarred too now and I did not want ever to do this. However he does not listen to me at all over some things (and for a while now) and while it doesn't matter over safe things terribly much, it really does when it comes to cars and safety... I did not have the strength to carry him back inside screaming and anyway what would I then have done with sister and trolley. Plus I think I wanted him never to do this kind of thing again so in some way make sure he remembered... I was very angry as well... I know he is tiny but he sometimes behaves with spectacular disregard for anything you are going through... I still wish I hadn't done this though as I think you just teach that hitting is okay by smacking your child. Also, how will I ever be able to hug him in quite the same way after I have done this??? I do not want to be judge and jury in his life deciding when he has nice contact with me and when he doesn't... In the car going home I told him again how dangerous the car park is and that he can't go there without me blah blah. When he didn't respond I asked him whether he was listening to me to which he coldly replied that he didn't want to listen to me. Anyway since then we have been getting on fine with a few cuddles but I wander what his little head has made of it all... how can Mummy have hit him?? (smacked more like but to him that is hitting - is there a difference... plus it wasn't a tap, it was a smack which I wanted him to know it was a smack because otherwise he would not have taken it seriously so in my paranoia I even checked if there was a bruise on his bottom tonight which of course there wasn't because it wasn't hard enough for that and I knew he had a nappy on etc...). On the other hand though, in the past I have completely lost it with him shouting when he had been naughty for long periods of time (usually when dh is away and he knows exactly how to wind me up... or things to do with his little sister whom at first he would try to hurt in some ways like once throwing a packet of nappies across the room which landed on her), so is this one smack any worse than shouting like a banshee and half throwing him on the sofa like I have done in the past???
I love him very much and so does dh and most of our time is spent in very affectionate contact, both of us are very cuddly with him and he is like that with us...
Also, I don't know if I can even have the "you know why Mummy smacked you" conversation with him, because I don't really think I should have and I certainly don't agree with smacking as a tool for discipline so how can I look him in the face and say why I did it when I don't think I should have anyway and that in some way I have violated his body / trust?
I'd be interested in anbody's opinions but please don't be too nasty with me if you are anti-smacking because I don't think I could take it.
Thank you for reading this far if you have.

Hugs Arabella. Been there. I remember I absolutely walloped DS for trying to stick a screwdriver into and electrical socket......then felt terrible, but guess what? He never tried to stick anything in a socket again.

I agree with you on the bribes thing, sometimes when I have the patience it is fine but other times I just think 'oh FFS can't you just do it?'.

I am 40 weeks pregnant at the moment with a 22 month old dd and most days when dh gets in I just fall in a heap, usually crying that I can't cope with one, I won't manage 2 etc.

Can someone give you a break at all for a day or so, friend/family etc? The only thing that gets me through the day at the moment is her nap, I just tell myself in the morning that it will soon be midday, it will soon be midday. Everyone needs a break.

I shout most days and feel dreadfully guilty too, please don't feel bad about smacking your son.

xx

Arabella, don't worry about it - your DS has probably forgotten all about it. What I would do is write a letter to Sainsbury's telling them how rubbish they are at dealing with this sort of crisis and asking them how they are going to improve their support for their shoppers. And reins are great - my DD has a tantrum every time I put them on her, but without being over-dramatic about it, they have undoubtedly saved her life once, and my sanity about thirty times. And I agree with others about saying sorry - it's such a good lesson for your DS that its OK to be angry, but that people apologise when their anger makes them do something bad. And a smack in these circumstances, because it's so unusual, will hopefully mean he remembers he mustn't run away from you.
Cheer up!

Arabella, I can guarantee that virtually everyone reading this post is not thinking "shoot her" but rather "I know just how that felt". Huge hugs to you. I try to avoid smacking but over issues of safety I have smacked my girls once or twice. I admit that I feel bad about it, but not as bad as I would if either of them ran into the road and was hit by a car. You did the best you could (and probably exactly what most of us would have done) in an extremely stressful situation. I definitely agree that you should contact Sainsbury's and let them know how unhelpful their staff are. I then suggest that you open a bottle of wine and have a large bar of chocolate! Take care of yourself.

Controlled punishment smacking is evil. Temper reactions are human, learning from them and feeling guilty is great. We should worry more about the parents who don't feel guilt, you have decided it was wrong and wont do it again. You are a fabulous person to come to that conclusion, a lot of people wouldn't

Arabella, just wanted to add to what everyone here said about not worrying about it - the same sort of thing has happened to me with my 2 older kids on a couple of occasions.

I think, like someone else said, it was the whole situation with having to leave your dd as well for a minute or two, its the implication from others of bad parenting which really turns the knife.

When we were on holidays couple of weeks ago we were in York for the day and ds (2.5) threw a strop, lying down in the middle of a pedestrian precinct and screaming. My normal tactic is to walk slowly on and he usually gets up and follows. I got the end of the short street and stopped - when an old lady picked him up (still screeching), brought him to me and said 'that child needs a smack, not to be abandoned by someone he thinks is his mother' and walked off. I was very upset at the time but afterwards realised she was just a silly interfering old *** with too much time on her hands. But it left me shaking for several hours.

((hugs)) be nice to yourself, you are putting up with enough without letting this get to you as well.

I had a smilar situation in IKEA of all places, my daughter kept running off, had to call security to get her back once as she had left the toy area to play at being mummy in the kitchen area. Then while I was trying to pay she ran awany from the checkout and back into the store, so had to chuck money at the assiastant as everyone was huffing and puffing behind me in the queue for holding them up. Left my trolley with all our shopping, buggy and jackets etc to find dd. When I had found her I returned to the checkout to find trolley with all our stuff had gone. Went to customer services and it took them twenty minutes to find my trolley, all of the time dd was having a tantrum on the floor, I was in tears with stress and I flipped and smacked her. I am anti smacking but my dd pushes me to the limit so I have smacked her a few times. Finally got my trolley back and was then almost hysterical with relief that we had our stuff back, with guilt that I had smacked dd and embaressment as everyone was looking at us. A women walked up to me and said she knew how I felt and took me and dd for a cake and coffee and she was my saviour. She was my saviour as I genuibely thougt, with much paranoia, that everyone was thiking what an awful parent I was.

I amm going of the tangent a bit here but I think parenting classes should be more freely available, i have made several enquiries and have been told that because my daughter is not at risk I do not qualify. It is not even an issue of money as I have offered to pay! I think it is shameful that parents have to wait until they do lash out before being offered support.

I have to admit that before I had children I used to think that anyone who shouted at their kids or smacked them in a supermarket was public enemy number one.

Whenever I see a frazzled Mum or Dad I try to make an effort to help even if it is just a cup of tea or a smile!

Poor you!

I don't like smacking either but c'mon, you aren't a saint and for no-one to help was bloody awful.

FWIW, when i argue with dd (she's 3 and half) i do talk to her later when we're calm. (Not all the time-just when i feel it's neccessary). The other day i told her to 'shut-up'!!!!
I don't want to say that, i think it's awful but she had me up the wall deliberately winding me up. I later explained that even though mammy was cross i shouldn't have said that and i was sorry.

Maybe a conversation with him would make you feel bettere but PLEASE don't be so hard on yourself+++++++++++

arabella
you ahve all my sympathy, it was a dreadful situation and the staff at sainsbury's were definitely horrible to you!

I can't read all the posts now as I'ma tw ork, so apologies if anyone has already said the same thing.

I have been in your situation a few times, ie I vowed never to smack my children (was not smacked as a child) still I found myself a few times in similar situations to the one you described.

The first time dd was about 2.5 I think, but I cried immediately afterwards and she wanted to know why I cried, I explained to her that I was sad because I did not want to hurt her, but she had behaved very badly and I had lost my patience. I do the same everytime she makes me really angry and end up shouting at her or smacking her hand. (not too often thank god).

I think it's better to talk to them abuot it, so they can see that we are affected by their bad behaviour and that we also amke mistakes but we recognise them and say sorry, then it's ok.

Do not feel bad about it, you were obviously under huge stress, what with the baby and your son running off on the street, I'd have freaked out completely!!

To answer another of your questions, I don't see much of a difference between shouting and a light smack, I tend to shout at her when she doesn't listen as she hates as much as the smacking, and will shout back at me in tears: 'don't shout at me!!'. That's enough to make me feel bad for about a week ...

can't add anything more, all the messages here will have shown you you're definitely not alone and we all make mistakes and our children still love us!!

Arabella, one smack won't ruin your ds's life forever, honestly, and you'll be able to have just as loving a relationship as ever you did. At the moment you're reeling in shock from everything that happened but in a while you'll look back and see that it really isn't a big deal. Fwiw, although I'm basically anti-smacking, I sometimes think a smack as you describe can show children that mummies have feelings too and that there are boundaries over which it's better not to step.

Re the supermarket, when I've been overburdened with shopping and children I've asked for someone to take the trolley to the car for me. They're only too happy to do that and Asda even has brollies for rainy days!!

One last thing - Susanmt's post reminded me that dd1 had her one-and-only smack ever in York, when she had a tantrum. Must be something in the air there!

Please dont feel bad for what you did. Ds has probably forgotten all about it. Just put it down to a experience learnt.

My mum didnt smack me or my brother and always used to tell us off instead. This meant that we could get away with anything with my mother as a telling off never stopped us doing anything. However, my father would smack us. Only occasionaly and never that hard but because it happened so little we knew that if we did get smacked we mustve done something really wrong and therefore wouldnt do it again. This means as a result even though I would always try to avaoid smacking my child I know that if she did things which could cause her any harm e.g stepping on the road then I would smack her but also tell her the reason why mummy had to do it.
Dont feel bad you did exactly the right thing.

Dear Arabella,

you are a hero who's had the day from hell. Everything about your post shouts "good mum" to me. Your experience, the way ds behaved, the way other people in the supermarket behaved (ie disgracefully - I can't believe they didn't help you), and the way you feel about it all, is the kind of thing that needs to be spoken about. You've written everything down in a way that sums up all the feelings that most of us here have had, about frustration, fear for the safety of our kids, feeling scrutinised and criticised by the public, being driven to the limit. People need to know how bloody hard something like going to the supermarket can be.

Try not to worry. It's over now and I don't think it'll happen again. - ie I think you'll handle it differently. You said you don't think you can explain why you did it because you don't think you should have. But can't you say that to him? maybe he's a bit young, But when I've shouted too much, grabbed dd a bit harshly, I've admitted that I was wrong and apologised to her. along the lines of "Mummy's sorry she shouted a lot. The reason I did it was because I love you and was very very worried about you getting hurt." Explaining doesn't need to be the same as justifying. all the best

I hate smacking but jeez Arabella, it isn't shooting you need it is a shot, of something good - like brandy! Like I said, I hate smacking, was smacked for anything and everything when I was little and swear never to do it with ds twins.

Having said that, deep breath, they are just a little younger than your ds and at the moment they are being very good at the old toddler tantrums. My DH works long hours, I have no family nearby and my close friends are scattered here and there, most of them out at work during the day. So I know the feeling of complete exhaustion, mentally and physically.

You had the day from hell, in your shoes I would have done the same thing. My ds twins are going to grow up calling me the drill sargeant as all I seem to do is order them about. The books and advice are all well and good but in the heat of the moment we do what comes first, even if we don't like it.

Hugs to you, you really are a better mum than you are feeling right now .

Bless you, youre only human! Im against smacking and have had huge rows with dp about that and shouting, but i have given dd a tap on the hand, even though i know full well it does no good. My two are similar ages to yours and some days it is a nightmare to get the job done. On the rare occaision i do it on my own i take the double buggy (dont drive so dont buy enough to use a trolley) and they both stay strapped in and scream if they have to until i get done. Internet shopping is a good alternative if you can do that.

Arabella, hope you are having some good rest now, I agree with everything that has been said here. Don't beat yourself about it, you both will be fine. It really gets me angry that people at the supermarket was not more helpful/sympathetic to your distress.

Sounds like a horrid day. Poor you. But Ds will forgive you and you need to forgive yourself too. Hope you have a lovely day tomorrow to make up for today.

Thank you for all your lovely messages which brought tears to my eyes - I got far more support and encouragement here than I could have done from anywhere else.
I did have a conversation with ds where we talked about what had happened. He said that he had been on the pavement, but I said that sometimes he forgot about the pavement. He also said "next time not to hit his bottom" which I agreed with. That conversation kind of cleared the air and whereas I thought we would never get over what happened, I think we have.
I don't often lose it blu - if it has happened it is when dh has been away and ds has repeatedly refused to to thing after thing after thing after thing..... I didn't really throw him on the sofa, I kind of put him there not overly gently and his head bounced a bit... but he wasn't at all hurt. But I do take your point about shouting being as bad as smacking (on that same occasion I also threw his shoes at the door in frustration...it was like the hundredth thing he wasn't letting me do (put them on him) and I was trying to get both kids out of the house - I sound like a mad thing but honestly, most of the time I am patient).
To answer a few people's queries or suggestions... we do have a double buggy for exactly the reasons mentioned but I can never get enough shopping in the two baskets and I thought it would be nice for dd and ds to be in the same trolley (which it was for a while)... I will never again go shopping with both of them by myself. The internet is a good idea, I have done that and I will start again.
The trip to IKEA which somebody had sounds very like my trip to Sainsbury's! I am going to write to customer services and I am never going to that Sainsbury's again (and possibly any Sainsbury's!).
Thank you very much for all your messages which really helped. I couldn't get through to dh on the phone and anyway your messages were much more comforting than anything he would have said.

(((hugs)))

Sometimes circumstances get the better of us and we do things we wouldn't do in a normal situation, cut yourself some slack.

I can sympathise as my DH works away a lot, my DH was talking to his Dad today wabout our DS and FIL said DS was a credit to him (DH) as he is a good boy and DH said he was a credit to me as I am bringing him up single handedly

Rather than beat yourself up about what happened, move on and learn from it.

When my DH is away I do most of my shopping on the internet, is that something you could do? If it isn't then maybe invest in a set of reins just to use in situations like this or get a double trolley and m,ake your DS sit in the seat or put your DD in a sling and DS in the chair.