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Parenting

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Original poster

Do you 'filter' you child's party invitations, or involve them in the decision-making?

45 replies

Legacy · 31/05/2007 20:43

The DSs seem to get invited to quite a lot of parties, so I tend to do a bit of 'management/ pre-screening' based on:

when it is - is it convenient (for us)/ does it clash with anything I'd rather they were doing (e.g. swimming etc)
do I particularly like the child/family
do I feel it's one of his closer friends or not
how many other parties he's been to in the last few weeks

But I don't usually discuss it in great detail, as they'd always want to go to a party. I just vaguely say "what a shame you can't go" and whisk away the invitation...

Am I a mean mummy?

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Original poster

Legacy · 31/05/2007 20:43

Oh, they're 7 and 4 by the way.....

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Rhubarb · 31/05/2007 20:44

Kids have to learn that they can't always have what they want. It's a good lesson in life.

SenoraPostrophe · 31/05/2007 20:44

really? how many do you get?

dd loves parties so they always take precedence. but she doesn't get invited to that many.

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Greensleeves · 31/05/2007 20:44

I do think that's a bit mean, I am always delighted when mine get invited to parties and wouldn't think of not letting them go, unless there was a genuinely solid reason why we couldn't make it.

SenoraPostrophe · 31/05/2007 20:45

but they will learn they can't always have what they want even if they go to all the parties surely? It's that bmx/xbox/whatever they can't have...

SenoraPostrophe · 31/05/2007 20:46

come to think of it, most of my best childhood memories are of parties. not swimming.

FrannyandZooey · 31/05/2007 20:46

If I can't hack the thought of going then I make an excuse - doesn't happen very often

tbh when he is old enough to stay by himself, and get there under his own steam, he can choose to accept every invitation that comes his way - until then I reserve the right to have some sneaky input

Rhubarb · 31/05/2007 20:48

Depends. What I mean is, you tell them that there is a party but if they go then they can't go to swimming or whatever, so they know there is a sacrifice.

Unless they were completely free to go.

jetsetmum · 31/05/2007 20:48

Legacy - do you still reply to say they can not go?

We have had 4 no replies at all from the invites for DS1's party on Sunday. I am not bothered as we have more than enough coming but just find it a bit rude.

SenoraPostrophe · 31/05/2007 20:48

there would be no contest if I asked dd if she'd rather go to a party or go swimming!

ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 31/05/2007 20:49

They go unless it clashes with something else

I can't think of any reason why it would be such a faff to take them to a party tbh - it's not that much effort, and I get a couple of hours free babysitting

Original poster

Legacy · 31/05/2007 20:50

Well it varies, but usually 1-2 per month, but they're nearly always on a weekend, and the eldest in particular does other stuff e.g. rugby, which if I let him go to every party he was invited to would mean he'd end up missing almost 50% of the time.

To be fair, it's probably more the older ones' I filter, as I think he should be doing others things rather than spending another 2 hours in a giant soft play hell every fortnight

DS2 gets to go to the majority of his I suppose.

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lyrabelacqua · 31/05/2007 20:51

My DSs go to all of theirs. ds1 even went to two in one day, with only half an hour between them, a few weeks ago. it took up most of our day but one was his best friend and the other a friend (girl) from school and he was one of only a handful of boys invited.
I'd feel mean not letting him go without a very good reason.

motherinferior · 31/05/2007 20:52

I tell them they're going to a party. They usually go HURRAH and bounce around. Most recently DD1 says Oh dear I don't like X do I have to go. Er, that's it.

It's their party invite. I do, obviously, rather resent the fact that they've got social lives and I don't, as I am also rather partial to parties, but then they are glowingly beautiful young wimmin and I suspect this imbalance is only going to increase.

cat64 · 31/05/2007 20:54

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Original poster

Legacy · 31/05/2007 20:56

Jetset - oh no, I always RSVP whether it's yes or no - I agree, that's so rude!

VSS - it actually does seem to be a faff for us. Usually because where we live there seems to be a trend for football parties/ karting/ soft play whatever and they all seem to be held about 20-30 mins drive away which means parents end up wandering off into the nearest town etc to lose an hour before it's time to pick up.
I've tried to co-ordinate with other parents, but everyone always seems to be coming from different directions/ activities etc so it never really works.

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motherinferior · 31/05/2007 20:57

Ah, it probably does help that in DD1's case there is this positive swarm from our neighbourhood (because the school is very local) so usually one gets to ahem palm one's beloved child off on someone else for transportation purposes.

ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 31/05/2007 20:57

Oh we haven't got that round here. One of the advantages of living in a poor area.

Original poster

Legacy · 31/05/2007 21:01

Hang on, I think I may have given the wrong impression here... I don't filter out ALL their party invitations - maybe about 25% - 30% simply because I think otherwise they begin to encroach on other aspects of family life which I believe are important.

Cat64 - I have to disagree to some extent - they can't go swimming every other day/ week whatever. DH & I both work, so swimming lessons are at the weekend, and if I'm going to end up paying about £40 a term for missed lessons then it's hardly worth it.

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islandofsodor · 31/05/2007 23:45

I filter any invitations that are on a Saturday when dh and I work and dd is looked after by grandparents. They also look after ds and dneice whilst sil works so we can't ask them to take her. For a very special friend we would make arrangements for my dad or another parent to take her.

We also filter out any Friday afternoon ones as that is when she goes to Stagecoach. Dd understands this (she is 5)

LynetteScavo · 31/05/2007 23:57

As a parent, there are so many things you have to filter. I think it's easier if they dont' know theyr'e invited, and you just don't tell them, if you can't' take them or don't want them to go. I think this has only ever happened once to us, though, and DS! was 3.- I have been known to filter party bags though, and bin lollies on the way home.

mamazon · 01/06/2007 00:05

i think that you should be very gratefull your child is invited to parties.

i think its quite rude actually. unless you have a prior engagment why can they not attend the party?

My son has never been invited to a birthday party and quite frankly i would cry if ever he was. what does it matter whether YOU like the child or the parents? your not the one attending.

and as for him doing other activities, surely it should be him that decides if he would rather be playiong rugby than going to the party. i could understand if he was behind in school and he was missing some important catch up lessons but its just rugby, something that has no real bearing on his future. his social ability will.

Clary · 01/06/2007 00:54

Oh yes I think you are a bit mean.

I thought from the title you meant filtering who they invite (which I do esp with a very big party - I'm not having anyone I know fine well will be so unruly as to spoil it).

But no, mine always go to parties unless we are actually on holiday - DD missed a few last summer hols but that's all.

I am happy for them to miss dance class/swim lessons etc for a party. Also don't mind how many they go to - am glad they are asked TBH. And as for who I figure if the child likes them and they want to go (they always do) I am happy for them to go.

My 7yo has had about 7 party invites this school year - for us they have scaled down dramatically at this age, or maybe he just has a smallish circle of friends - so yes, he's certainly been to them all, even tho he's missed swimming once and dance class once too. Maybe if he was going to 2 a month (!that's more than 20 a year) then I might pick and choose a bit...

Soft play seems to be limited to 5-6 yo parties here thank goodness.

madamez · 01/06/2007 01:02

Hasn't arisen yet (DS only 2) but will probably filter a bit given that we go out of town on quite a lot of weekends and would rather not have to upset him over a party he can't go to. Mind you, when he's old enough to know about being invited (ie kids at school talking about party) ... Ah, well, that's when he'll get to choose. And if he wants to go to the party, his dad will take him. That's the great joy of separated co-parenting.

SofiaAmes · 01/06/2007 04:06

Certainly in the case of the 7 year old, I think it's mean. I understand, if it clashes with lessons, but don't think it's fair for you to decline an invitation for a child that age just because you don't like the family (when presumably you wouldn't even be required to attend).
I have a 4 and 6 year old and we seem to be at at least one party every weekend, but I accept all invitations unless we're truly out of town or unavailable. The plethora of invitations will die out as they get older, so let them enjoy it now.

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