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Parenting

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Original poster

Do you 'filter' you child's party invitations, or involve them in the decision-making?

45 replies

Legacy · 31/05/2007 20:43

The DSs seem to get invited to quite a lot of parties, so I tend to do a bit of 'management/ pre-screening' based on:

when it is - is it convenient (for us)/ does it clash with anything I'd rather they were doing (e.g. swimming etc)
do I particularly like the child/family
do I feel it's one of his closer friends or not
how many other parties he's been to in the last few weeks

But I don't usually discuss it in great detail, as they'd always want to go to a party. I just vaguely say "what a shame you can't go" and whisk away the invitation...

Am I a mean mummy?

OP posts:

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ViciousSquirrelSpotter · 01/06/2007 11:23

Agree, DS is 8 and already they're tailing off (just as DD 5 is ratcheting up...)

Vinegar · 01/06/2007 13:39

I would take dd to any party she was invited, unless we had a prior engagement that couldn't be cancelled. I agree with the posters who have said that as children get older they will be invited to less parties and it can get quite cliquey. Dd always wants to go to her friends(or anyone in her class for that matter) parties. I think it is a good way for them to learn to get on and socialise with their peers. I would like everyone I called for dd's party to come if they could, I think children(under 10 anyway) do like all their little friends to be there. I wouldn't want to let down someone else's child for this reason.
It's a shame you can't arrange for him to go with someone else, or maybe someone else to drop him off home, alot of parents do that where we live.

Polgara2 · 01/06/2007 13:46

Not sure 'how' you manage to do this? When dds get party invites they are handed to them at school and then brought home. Also, they know when the parties are (because everyone is talking about them the day before anyway) so would soon suss if there wasn't a valid reason for not attending. Not that we are inundated with invites so not a problem for us anyway .

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stealthsquiggle · 01/06/2007 14:04

I did this for the first time recently as DS has been to so many parties in a short space of time. But I did talk to him about it (as others have said, they will all talk about the parties at school, there is no way he wouldn't know it was happening) and he surprised me - I explained that we had visitors that day and it would be a bit unfair if he wasn't here when they were coming mostly to see him - and he agreed.

Apparently he then had a serious talk with the birthday child at school, cos he came home and reported that "X says it's OK that I can't come to the party".... so I sent X a birthday card via school anyway!

stealthsquiggle · 01/06/2007 14:09

BTW - when is the official age when you can leave them at parties? Mumsnet jury?

PrincessPeaHead · 01/06/2007 14:12

nope that is standard in our house

life doesn't revolve around them

besides we'd be going to parties most saturdays and sundays if that was the case! precedence goes to great friends parties, and then we just see if we can make other peoples. But if we have made a commitment to eg go to friends for lunch or have people to stay with children etc, then they don't go. They don't really mind, it is all about fitting in things as a family.

PrincessPeaHead · 01/06/2007 14:14

I also veto parties which are held between 12.00 and 2.00 on a sunday and which involve a 30 min drive or more

so bloody antisocial, when do they think the rest of the family is going to eat FFS?

SueBaroo · 01/06/2007 14:15

We had a party invite a few months back and we said no. There are things I'm happy for them to go, and an additive-laden wacky-warehouse hyper-fest is pretty low down on the list.

I use a similar sort of filter to the OP, and I think that's fine. Happy to wear the mean hat once in while. I'm their mum, not their bestest fwend.

PinkMartini · 01/06/2007 14:15

And also doesn't it work on a reciprocal basis - wouldn't you be annoyed if you gave them a party and lots of children didn't turn up because your DC didn't come to theirs?

Idreamofdaleks · 01/06/2007 14:17

Party invitations get v high priority over other stuff in our house

PrincessPeaHead · 01/06/2007 14:19

pink martini, I'm always DELIGHTED to get refusals to our parties! Are you mad?! If I can whittle down 20 invites to 14 attendees then surely that is a result to be proud of?

Honestly, who can go to every single party? My DSs get invited to 20 parties a year each. My DD1 about 15 (girls only!). DD2 hasn't even started yet. I'm NOT taking them to over 50 parties a year, I honestly wouldn't bloody do anything else!

SueBaroo · 01/06/2007 14:19

Pink, oh absolutely, and it's never going to happen. Dd gets a little tea party with a about 5 other girls, nothing more complicated. If we got caught up in this reciprocal stuff it'd be impossible to handle.

stealthsquiggle · 01/06/2007 14:29

I have to say DS has been to most of the parties he has been invited to - but that is at least in part cos we didn't know anyone when we moved here and they are good opportunities to meet other parents. I am sort of hoping that by the time DD starts getting invited DS's will have tailed off as they start opting for outings etc with smaller numbers of friends - as I can entirely see why PPH and anyone else with several DC would have to get very selective.

PinkMartini · 01/06/2007 14:30

PPH fair enough. Hadn't thought of it that way. In fact, I probably shouldn't really be posting here since I am looking at this from an adult perspective as I have no DCs yet. but Mumsnet is my new addiction.

I always think of party invitations in those terms. How can you expect people to come to your events when you "can't be arsed" to go to theirs?

Original poster

Legacy · 01/06/2007 21:21

OK - I can see there are some very different views and feelings on this one, but I'm glad I'm not completely alone I see!

Maybe it depends how much you value weekends as 'family time'? We do, and that then shapes the other things we do in that time.

Also with 2 kids you have to think about the impact on the other one. If one of them misses swimming/ rugby then the other one probably will have to too, if DH/ I can't divide the runs that day.

If each of our kids gets invited to 2o parties a year (which I reckon they do!) then that's almost one every weekend. That's about £400 on cards/presents too (although that isn't a key consideration...).

Sounds like my criteria is pretty similar to PPH actually - good friends definitely take precendence. Also it depends on the venues - home/ hall-type parties much preferred to soft play/ football ones as they have been to so many of these now, and to be honest I'm not even sure they DO enjoy them - usually come home and are tearful/ hyper or something later.

I don't operate on a 'you invited me/ we'll invite you' principle either, so that's not an issue.

The invitations at school isn't a big issue either as they're not allowed to distribute at school themselves, and although Mums can give them out in the playground they tend to post/ hand deliver them in reality.

OP posts:

rollonsummerholidays · 01/06/2007 22:19

replying this is for real standing beside a mum and very profesional person overhears me talking to another mum about how excited d/d is about her party. The other mum hadn't bothered to reply I wasn't going to ask her again already had loads for party. get home to my d/h saying apologise for late notice but bla bla is coming to the party. the night before i think so rude and weird not to say when standing beside me. I don't try to figure people out anymore. I think family time is important we have 2 parties sat and sun this week-end and d/d 's so excited. i know what you mean family time is important too. but kids love parties difficult one.

Gobbledigook · 01/06/2007 22:24

I do a bit of screening. Well, I did in May because there were just so many between the 3 of them and then we also had a lot of family stuff going on as well - nights out for me, family BBQs, family parties etc. We would all have been utterly exhausted. I dropped a couple that were at 10am on a Saturday morning.

I don't like turning them down but it was a mad month - mine are 6, 4 and 2 so not that aware that they'd missed any.

Original poster

Legacy · 01/06/2007 22:47

Not replying, or leaving it to the last minute is rude whatever the answer: yes/no...

We reply to invitations within a few days of getting them, and certainly well in advance of the party date. That's very mean otherwise, as some child who was perhaps on the 'B' list might have been invited otherwise, but can't be if it's too late.

OK - what would you do about this one then:
DS1 has been invited to a party at 4 pm on a day when he normally has a long-standing weekly playdate with his best friend from up the road (the Mum & I 'swap' a child, as the younger siblings are friends too).

I don't really want to cancel regular playdate as then younger brother will miss his one . But the friend isn't invited to the same party, and it seems rude to effectively say " we can't do this week as we've got a better offer... "

OP posts:

Loshad · 01/06/2007 22:47

Legacy, I'm with you on this, i filter and screen out party invites on much the same basis, i've 4 boys aged between 6 and 13, and I was hoping the party invites would lessen as they got older but not much. In my mind regular commitments take precedence over parties (ie rugby, swimming etc - bloomin rude to the coaches imo to keep not turning up if you are part of a team). It depends on the type of party and chi9ld as well - ds3 hated entertainer parties with a vengence so I used to always decline those on his behalf. I really don't have the time to take them to what would end up being the best part of probably 100 parties per year, even though I run myself ragged trying to get them to places.
I'm always delighted when I get the odd refusal to a child's party i'm hosting, and if it's a special friend i usually check with the mum prior to booking the party ( as all of mine have neded up with birthdays near half term holidays).

tuppy · 04/06/2007 14:10

While obviously glad my children are invited, and aware it's nice to host a jolly party with enough friends present,I do filter invitations in the interests of the smooth running of family life.

I have 4 children and it's the only way to stay sane.

That said, I'd make extra effort for close friends even if their party was at an inconvenient time or location. But honestly, if it's a standard "whole class" thing, at lunchtime (agree with PPH), and 30+ minutes away, then I'm afraid the invitee is just told s/he can't go. But I respnd politely and always send a card and perhaps a little token pressie or sweet from Woolies if the birthday child is under 8 or so.

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