Meal time he'll with 3 year old

[Tiredandemotional123]

My DS has always disliked 'meals' and has always been a fussy eater. He's also what you might call a 'spirited' child, very energetic, up early, no naps etc.

His fussiness combined with him not being able to sit still at a table for 2 minutes is making meal times hell.

I have tried: eating as a family, letting him eat alone, putting the tv on, giving him the iPad, toys, no toys, ignoring, being very strict etc etc. Nothing I have tried will get him to sit down and eat his bloody tea - even when it's something inoffensive like fish fingers and chips.

I think I'm looking for advice or just reassurance that he'll grow out of it!

I’m pretty sure he will grow out of it, although that probably doesn’t help you right now.

As he is three, is he about to start at nursery? Peer pressure is a great thing and might make a big difference if he eats with other children.

He's at nursery and I think he eats ok there. I have lots of friends with children the same age and I do try and get them together to eat when I can - makes no difference. They sit perfectly whilst mine swings off the furniture. Makes it feel even more desperate!

It’s hard when other kids seem to be so well behaved or else do things you wish your child would do, but if he does it at nursery and eats ok there then that says to me that he can do it but instead chooses not to. Do you think it is a control thing or for attention? Those are the two reasons that I think my children can misbehave or be fussy when it comes to food and they are generally far better when I completely ignore them and follow through any consequent - so I will tell my three year old that if she doesn’t sit on her seat to eat that I will put her in a high chair for the meal. I do chose my battles though and as long as she is somehow on the chair, and eats, that is good enough. I also put her in a high chair if she refuses to sit on the chair and runs round, and she knows I will do this.

I would agree it’s prob a phase and attention-seeking. I generally find if we remove all food from range and continue eating and ignoring him, my DS will come round and sit sensibly. If he doesn’t he gets unceremoniously deposited on the floor and ignored. At some point he gets hungry and asks for his meal, then he sits up nicely. It’s a big faff some days but we get here eventually!

Also he really likes serving himself, having his own little jug of milk to pour on his cereal etc. If you haven’t tried that sort of thing?

You're not strict or consistent enough.

Our rule is - you sit at the table at meal times. No pressure to eat, but ye gads they bloody sit there politely till everyone has finished.

No toys. No tv. No tablet. They can make conversation and/or eat. No debate about it - be consistent.

Don't think he would fit in a high chair / could probably tip it. I think the ignoring and moving his food away is probably the best bet.

How do you get them to sit through WellErrr? I would have to physically pin him down which seems a bit much.... what's the consequence if they don't sit?

Why don't you buy a strap seat that clips under and behind the chair and also fasten LO in with straps young there legs.

It's literally a seat you put on the kitchen chair.

Ds loves his

I second the strapping seat. It's like a booster but can fit quite large children in and they're really sturdy. Maybe give him the chance to sit on the chair the if he moves put him in the booster seat.

How do you get them to sit through WellErrr? I would have to physically pin him down which seems a bit much.... what's the consequence if they don't sit?

Put them in the seat. Every time they get off, put them back on the seat. Even if it takes 100 times and much tantrumming. Do NOT give in. Once they know you mean it, they'll just sit in the seat.

But you must be consistent and not give in. Don't stress, don't mention the food or pressure them to eat. But do make them sit politely at the table. It's an important life lesson!

Also, have a think about how you usually approach stuff like this. I really REALLY don't want to sound sanctimonious, but if a child won't sit down when asked to by their parent, if it's that big a fight, you've got some serious respect issues going on IMO.

Also how old is he?

He's 3. I think you're right that I've not been consistent enough. I've been torn between what approach to take. Sometimes wanting to force him to sit at the table because I'm so annoyed and at other times not wanting dinner to become a battle ground and just wanting to eat my dinner in peace!

I need to decide what's important and stick to it. I think for me the best approach is allowing him to get down etc but ignoring him, taking away food, not allowing tv etc until we've all finished. Perhaps he will see that eating at the table is a nice thing to be included in then!

I found this article which made me feel better! www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/getting-toddlers-to-sit-at-the-table-for-dinner

Has anyone tried a reward chart? Getting stickers for sitting through a meal, trying enough mouthfuls etc?

Dessert (yogurt/fruit) is reward for having dinner first, have never considered stickers.

me the best approach is allowing him to get down etc but ignoring him, taking away food, not allowing tv etc until we're all finished

But this is just letting him have his own way!?

Children aren't designed yet to eat mealtimes and should be encouraged to graze. They're built to be self regulating and eat when hungry so the problem is he's either past hunger or not hungry at all. Have healthy food available all day to him and eat when he's hungry. At three my son has never eaten a meal yet because he's too young still and forcing him will create a more negative impact on his perception of food.

Try allowing him to graze through the day and giving him a drink of oat milk before bed to carry him through (my son sleeps through 1-5 now so it's easier) and then just an activity he can play whilst you have your family meals whilst still sitting with you all. It's the sitting at the table you'll need to establish first xx

Is he eating quickly then getting down?
Do you give snacks between meals/puddings?

It must depend on the child, my dd is two and is happy to sit and eat meals, she snacks in between (but has always enjoyed food). We've never forced her to sit at the table. Does he have his own little table to sit at or do you just use the family one for meals? Agree with pp doesn't sound like he's hungry, but could you cut back on snacks between meals? Is he having a lot of milk as well?

He sounds bit like my son who is 3.5. He is just not motivated by food at all. It's another thing he has to do rather than wants to and he doesn't particularly enjoy food. It has got a little better though. We managed to go out for a meal at lunchtime - just the three of us - two weekends ago at Pizza Express. He sat nicely the whole time and ate his doughballs, cucumber, pasta and brownie. I'm riding it out. I have sympathy with you though.

I'm not sure strapping a 3 year old down is the answer. What message is that giving him?

We gave DS crayons and paper and strapped him into a booster seat at that age while we ate.

DH and I took turns at entertaining him if we were both there but if it was the two of us I let him watch a program on the iPad at breakfast.

I completely get what you mean about not wanting to make meal times a battle but I think it's worth it in the long run. You could try starting with smaller amounts of time and work up? As they get older and understanding improves and it gets so much easier.

Eat every meal together and have a reward chart. DS was mad about power rangers when he was 3 so I had a special power ranger that he got for 15 mins after ‘good eating’ - which meant a reasonable portion eaten sat nicely and thanking for the meal/asking to get down from the table. After 15 mins he was put away until next meal time.

DS is 15 now and the power ranger sits on his bedroom shelf - he gave the rest away but kept the dinner monitor :)

Children aren't designed yet to eat mealtimes and should be encouraged to graze. They're built to be self regulating and eat when hungry so the problem is he's either past hunger or not hungry at all. Have healthy food available all day to him and eat when he's hungry. At three my son has never eaten a meal yet because he's too young still and forcing him will create a more negative impact on his perception of food.

Are you serious? Of course kids are capable of eating meals and not grazing all day! The worst thing you can do is encourage grazing. It's not surprising he won't sit down and eat if he's been eating all day. my kids have nothing to eat in the 2 hours running up to meal times and they sit and eat, despite being very energetic and fidgety. As soon as they're not hungry anymore, they start playing with their food.
My advice OP would be to not let him eat anything in the 1.5 - 2 hours leading up to a meal, I'll bet he'll be just as good as he is at nursery.

Just wanted to encourage you. We had exactly the same situation and tried all the things you have. My son just never seemed interested in meals and so keeping his attention at the table was very hard. He is now 5 and the last six months it has suddenly clicked. His appetite is much bigger and his tastes have changed; he now for the first time enjoys his meals and sometimes asks for seconds. It has therefore become much easier to keep him at the table. We use a marble jar at the moment to reward staying up the table for a whole meal...when the pot is full of marbles he’ll get a reward. It was a truly frustrating time when he was at the stage you’re at now but it has just clicked. Best wishes.

@BestBeforeYesterday let me guess you're a parent that has bedtimes and reward charts and a routine for everything. Children need to be children and the fact we have an open and organic household allows that. I don't want to starve my child and if he was made to wait to mealtimes he wouldn't eat at all.

I don't have reward charts, but yes, I do have bedtimes. I don't have a routine as such because mine aren't babies anymore, but they do have a structured day. Those are things that human beings need, not just children.
Btw, grazing is a terrible idea for dental health, too.
I have no idea what an "open and organic" household is exactly, but it does make you sound like you've read too many parenting manuals.

Has he always been like this? I definitely think it's something around this age. I remember DS1 being like this and DS2 is a bit like this now he's 3. DS2 has always been a grazer and I'm beyond trying to forcing him to be otherwise. Not every one is the same and I really don't agree with people who say grazing is so bad.

As for physically getting him to sit down, it is best to just pick him up and plonk him back down at the table. Can you shut the door or something to stop him escaping?

Best thing I found for meal times is I set my timer for 30 mins. Everyone has to sit down and eat for 30 minutes. After that they're free to go or have pudding if they have finished their meal and want it. They respond well to that and generally sit nicely at the table until time is up.

@BestBeforeYesterday I'm not one for reading books on how to parent I simply let my child guide me through. Being organic means he goes to bed when he wants (between 6pm and 1am) picks his own clothes, eats when he wants and what he wants, makes his decisions and doesn't have to conform to a strict schedule. Some days we do school, some days we play... some days we wear shoes and a bow tie and some he's just wearing pants.

Generally we have no rules and he thrives to be a gorgeous clever boy. I'd hate to give him negative associations with food and bed by forcing a time for him to do things. As adults we have enough fixed upon us and children don't need that.