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Parenting

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DS ruining holiday

47 replies

Inatightsqueeze · 28/07/2018 07:48

DS (14) went for a 9 day holiday with his Paternal Grandparents last Sunday. They took him up to the Lakes for 5 days and then he should have been staying at theirs until Sunday, But I received a phone call yesterday morning from his GM saying that he wasn't behaving well and they were bringing him straight home. Which was fine.

He got home at 11am and things were hostile between them to say the least. DS stormed into the house and has not left his room for more than a bathroom break since.

For some background DS has had issues controlling his emotions since about the age of 5/6 and is something we had been working on since then. He has had evolvement from outside agencies as well as a consistent approach from me and his stepdad. We had thought that things had settled right down and things had improved greatly as we had not had one of these sorts of outbursts for the last 2 years.

Anyway what I have been told by GPs is that he told them that he was feeling car sick, so they stopped the car and he got out and laid down so that he was laid half on a grass verge and his legs on the road. He refused to move and then when he finally did he took his case from the car and stormed off (to where no one knows) GF followed him and made him come back.

That was all the information I received from them other than the fact he had said some awful things to them, such as he wishes they were dead. They in turn have said they don't want to see him.

DS won't talk to me about what has happened and is happy to take consequences instead of apologising and dealing with the emotions involved. I think that part of the consequences needs to including dealing with what has happened and admitting guilt and apologising. But he's shutting down each time because he says they don't want to see me to so why should I?

Has anyone any ideas of how I can deal with constructively and get passed it and rebuild the relationship?

OP posts:
MeanTangerine · 28/07/2018 07:50

Find out what actually happened. There's a big ol' gap in that story.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 28/07/2018 07:52

I think he should face the consequences of his actions.

Let him stew in his room.

When he emerges tell him that you need to discuss the events of the past week. Explain that what he did was wrong. Encourage him to write a letter of apology to his grandparents.

Inatightsqueeze · 28/07/2018 07:53

I'm going to ring GPs today and try to get some more details.

I don't think he will write a letter of apology, he's admitted that what he's done is wrong, but he doesn't want to fix things

OP posts:

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LIZS · 28/07/2018 07:54

Was it just on the way home or had they found him difficult all week? Did something trigger it?

PotteringAlong · 28/07/2018 07:56

He’s essentially deflecting blame back to them. “They don’t want to see me so why should I” making out it’s their fault he won’t aplologise. It isn’t. It’s his. Let him stew. And I’d be brutally clear about how horrible he has been and how this is entirely of his own making.

Yokatsu · 28/07/2018 08:05

What do you want to happen?

Thing is in his twisted logic he's right. If they want nothing more to do with him why should he bother to deal with what went wrong. Under that circumstances i wouldn't do much, punish by all means but i doubt it would achieve anything. I would discuss with both GPs and DS how disappointed i was in the way the holiday turned out (no blame language)

On the other hand for an outside perspective that might not be realistic. Clearly you have a close enough relationship with you parents that you wanted him to have an extended holiday with them. So them having nothing more to do with him may not be realistic.

So establish that point first with GPs and then with DS.

Then to son "i only have GPs interpretation of what happened, i need to know what happened frpm your perspective too. Otherwise i can only make a judgement from what they say."

Im not sure punishment or even apologising is the thing here. Getting a clear idea of what actually happened from boths perspective may be more valuable than either

Inatightsqueeze · 28/07/2018 08:09

Thank you.
We don't have a close relationship at all, but they have always had an active roll in DS life as he is an only grandchild for them. He has been non contact with his dad since 2010 for a huge number of reasons. But they have been supportive of this and try to do what's best for DS.
I'd hate to think that this was the end of that relationship so will ring them at a more sensible hour and try and find out what's gone on.

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 28/07/2018 08:14

He needs to be supported to act with respect and to apologise. Preferably to their face, in person. He’s not ready for that yet so leave him to stew a bit. Wait until anger has subsided bit.

His behaviour is quite extreme and it would help you to know full details as I’m pretty sure this isn’t just a single explosion of travel sickness. Is he normally a sullen, uncommunicative and irresponsible idiot?
Might be he felt babied and nagged to death and their expectations of a 14 year old weren’t realistic, but who knows? Speak to him as well as the grandparents. He maybe feels backed into a corner with no way out. Grandparents need to reassure him that they still love him.

Yokatsu · 28/07/2018 17:36

Im genuinely not sure he does. If i had no problem with the relationship ending, I'd let it end.

They took him with the awareness that he has the issues he had. They have told him they dont want to see him again. Not they dont want to see him until his behaviour improves/he apologises but they don't want to see him again.

It seems like the DS isnt the only one who got angry.... at at the moment you only have their perspective on what happened.

AnyFucker · 28/07/2018 17:39

I can't imagine any 14yo enjoying a holiday in the Lakes with their GP's, tbh

juneau · 28/07/2018 17:45

I'd let him calm down and have a night's sleep and then try to get his side of the story. However, if they both feel he's behaved dreadfully, then I suspect he has. They sound like two adults who have made an effort to support him and stay in his life, so from the outside it would appear unlikely that they would just turn on him for no reason. Plus, you know he has form for unreasonable outbursts. But anyway, I would just say to him 'I need to know your side of this story so I can understand what happened'. As for punishments, of course he has to apologise, but let him calm down first. It's never a good idea to try and reason with an overwrought teenager!

rainbowstardrops · 28/07/2018 17:51

It's obviously totally unacceptable to speak to your grandparents like shit or to treat them with disrespect but nine days with grandparents is a very long time! I don't expect he found the Lakes quite as beautiful and lovely as they would either!

He clearly needs to calm down and then tell him it needs to be discussed when he has. Only you guys will know what's happened (after ringing grandparents) and what/if sanctions are necessary.

The least he needs to do is apologise to them.

37KAT · 28/07/2018 17:53

It sounds like he knows he is in the wrong as he'd rather take the consequences and is perhaps too embarrassed and awkward to apologise which of course is the right thing to do. If the GP have told him they don't want to see him, he is likely to be understandably upset and perhaps shocked. I'm sure the GP said that in response to bad behaviour. Let him sleep on it as other posters say, and the insist that he apologises and support him doing that.

RainbowBriteRules · 28/07/2018 18:11

To be honest a nine day holiday in the Lakes with grandparents (that he hardly sees?) had disaster written all over it. Perhaps he was at the end of his tether?

Isadora2007 · 28/07/2018 18:17

Sorry but I’m ny opinion they clearly didn’t do a great job of raising their own son if he grew up to be a deadbeat dad with no contact with his child. They’re now saying they want no more contact with their grandson which is awful and hurtful of them. He is still a child and they are adults. He has been abandoned by his father so them saying they too will abandon him is NOT acceptable. No matter how “badly” he has behaved.
Please please OP get lovebombing your boy. He sounds deeply unhappy and probably believes that he isn’t worthy of love and so is acting out as if he doesn’t care. He needs to know there is nothing he could do or say that would ever stop you loving him and you need to take his side in this situation. No his behaviour has clearly been below par and you can be disappointed in that. But the situation was far from ideal- 9 days with grandparents and a 14 year old is just not really very sensible is it?

Yokatsu · 28/07/2018 18:26

@Isadora2007 yep this 100% ^^

Im not sure as adult I'd bother apologising to someone who is telling me they dont want a relationship with me.

Penfold007 · 28/07/2018 18:27

I'm sorry but something about the grandparents story just doesn't stack up. Of course they know where he went - they followed him and got him back in the car.
If he doesn't want a relationship with them at the moment then respect his choice.
Perhaps they've been trying to get him to speak to his dad.
Listen to him, he's trying to tell you something but hasn't been able to.

mumofthemonsters808 · 28/07/2018 18:29

I agree with the posters saying most 14 year olds would find a holiday in the Lakes with Gparents painful. For the majority, at this age their priorities are friends, hobbies, sleeping, social media, gaming and anything that takes them out of their comfort zone is usually met with strong disapproval.Did he even want to go ?.Im not excusing his bad behaviour, he was very disrespectful but I'm sometimes amazed by how far removed some people are from understanding their own children and then when things erupt they wonder why.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 28/07/2018 18:31

Since when did not enjoying a holiday with your grandparents entitle you to behave like a brat?
He’s 14. He could have asked to go home, instead of lying in the road refusing the get up like a fecking toddler!
At the end of his tether indeed Hmm

buckingfrolicks · 28/07/2018 18:33

Poor boy. He's behaved badly but

He is 14, they are much older
There was one of him and two of them
God knows what they were saying about him, about his dad, about his step dad
They have role modelled turning their back, walking away and abandoning him
You too have modelled Not Talking (to your ex) as a reasonable adult response

Why are you all expecting your DS to be the bigger person here?

RainbowBriteRules · 28/07/2018 18:36

Sent away with grandparents for 9 long days? To a place you might be bored out of your mind? It’s madness. Yes, I think that may entitle you to behave like a brat.

Depends if he made it clear in the first place if he wanted to go or not. We don’t know his side of the story. Maybe he already asked to go home.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 28/07/2018 18:37

Why are you all expecting your ds to be the bigger person here?
Because he’s the one in a sulk, having behaved badly but refusing to discuss it??

Guardsman18 · 28/07/2018 18:40

I just wanted to tell you OP that when I was a little girl (7/8?) I stayed with my GP's for a week.

My GM tucked me into bed and I can remember it so clearly - she said to GF - she's going home tomorrow, we don't have to put up with her much longer.

I have never forgotten it, didn't want to burden my mum, but bloody hell it hurt.

Might it be something like that?

Thedutchwife · 28/07/2018 18:41

I agree with the very first poster.

Something else has happened

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 28/07/2018 18:44

Something to warrant him wishing them dead?

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