DS ruining holiday

[Inatightsqueeze]

DS (14) went for a 9 day holiday with his Paternal Grandparents last Sunday. They took him up to the Lakes for 5 days and then he should have been staying at theirs until Sunday, But I received a phone call yesterday morning from his GM saying that he wasn't behaving well and they were bringing him straight home. Which was fine.

He got home at 11am and things were hostile between them to say the least. DS stormed into the house and has not left his room for more than a bathroom break since.

For some background DS has had issues controlling his emotions since about the age of 5/6 and is something we had been working on since then. He has had evolvement from outside agencies as well as a consistent approach from me and his stepdad. We had thought that things had settled right down and things had improved greatly as we had not had one of these sorts of outbursts for the last 2 years.

Anyway what I have been told by GPs is that he told them that he was feeling car sick, so they stopped the car and he got out and laid down so that he was laid half on a grass verge and his legs on the road. He refused to move and then when he finally did he took his case from the car and stormed off (to where no one knows) GF followed him and made him come back.

That was all the information I received from them other than the fact he had said some awful things to them, such as he wishes they were dead. They in turn have said they don't want to see him.

DS won't talk to me about what has happened and is happy to take consequences instead of apologising and dealing with the emotions involved. I think that part of the consequences needs to including dealing with what has happened and admitting guilt and apologising. But he's shutting down each time because he says they don't want to see me to so why should I?

Has anyone any ideas of how I can deal with constructively and get passed it and rebuild the relationship?

My 14 year old would find a holiday in the Lakes with his grandparents (who he loves dearly) hard going too. I would however be completely horrified at that kind of behaviour & want to deal with it. I’d also be completely horrified at his grandparents telling him they don’t want to see him again.
I can understand they were probably very frightened for his safety, other people’s children are such a huge responsibility. Unless they meant they didn’t want to see him until he’d calmed down?
Is he still under any of the outside agencies? Might be worth while giving them a call if he is for some advice. Chin up though OP that must have been a horrible experience all round.

I can see that sort of thing being good at 7, not so good at 14. Mine would never have stuck that type of holiday and there would have been runctions.

I think you were a bit unrealistic expecting him to go away with grandparents to the Lakes for 9 days, sorry. He's 14 - in 2 or 3 years he'll be wanting to go away with his mates to somewhere warm, with drink.

Talk to him, and try to be open to his point of view - and certainly at 14 don't be making him apologise, because he's allowed to make his own decisions about who he sees.

I would definitely give him time to calm down before any consequences or any attempt to find out what happened come into affect. I do agree with you though that the consequences have to relate to what actually happened and so he's going to have to apologise to his GP if he is in the wrong.

First I do think you need to establish what actually happened. You said he has issues controlling his emotions - do you think he may have been thrown off by the change of environment and/or been homesick? Are there things perhaps that you do at home (maybe without even realising) to help him calm down that his GP didn't do? Perhaps they were responsible somewhat for escalating the situation? Is it out of character for him to storm off like that? It seems a bit of a dramatic escalation as described for him to suddenly storm off and say he wishes they were dead surely something else must have happened in between?

IIWY I would let him sleep on it but I would also ask tomorrow about what happened and I would promise to listen and let him talk and promise not to judge or interrupt. And then I'd really listen and take it from there. I bet he's really upset. That often manifests as anger / stroppiness in teenage boys IME. Good luck.

Guardsman18

I had something similar happen to me when I'd gone to stay with my uncle when I was 13. I really looked up to him and thought he was awesome - had been looking forward to the trip for ages; a few days before the end I over heard him criticizing me really harshly to his children's nanny (who was lovely and was actually sticking up for me). I was immature, boring and awkward etc. Even as a teenager it really hurt, especially being so far from home. Never told anyone about it but it definitely made a big dent.

I also think grandparents can be a PITA - they have forgotten sometimes what it's like to be young and maybe their expectations weren't exactly realistic. I wouldn't assume they're blameless tbh. My mother looked after several teenagers last summer and fell out with several of them over phone use, bedtimes, leaving wet towels on the bed and all sorts of trivia. Her standard and mine are vastly different so that didn't help.

You can't do consequences/apologies/punishment without knowing more about what actually happened. He may have behaved abominably throughout. Or the GPs may have been on his back the entire time, driving him into an outburst. You don't know. If you force him to apologise, and then it turns out to have been more them than him, he will never forget that.

Agree that tonight it sounds like all partied need to have a time out period to calm down.

I think there is more to this too. Maybe give him a couple of days to cool off and then talk to him.

If this hasn't happened for 2 years then it's out of character enough for there to have been something to trigger it. Obviously he didn't handle the situation well, but at the moment you don't know what actually started it all off. Could they have been very critical of you, for instance? My 14 year old would have exploded if his grandparents criticised me (which is why we keep them apart, since the GPs do very little else).

I think you should be asking DS what happened, with an open mind to hear his side. You have already heard all that the GPs want to tell you, which is not a tremendous amount, I wonder why?
As others have said, a 14 year old going away with GPs (who might not 'get' how deal with or entertain him) to somewhere he may find boring is a recipe for disaster. He has behaved well for 2 years. They must have done something pretty wrong to set him off and make him want to escape so badly.
Admittedly, TELLING someone you wish them dead is really bad (thinking it is a different matter, we all need that mental filter, but a 14 year old is not as skilled at this), the GPs TELLING him they never want to see him again is unforgivable. They are adults, and should be able to think it but not say it.
Personally, I'd be wanting DS to tell me all, and not be too quick to think he had done wrong.

Do the GPs know what strategies you and your DS have in place to help him manage his emotions? Are they supportive of his difficulties? If they have 'old fashioned' views on discipline it's possible they have stirred up a hornets' nest and blamed your DS.

They haven’t told you the full story - not by a long chalk.
They have said something or done something awful ( IMO) for him to say he wished them dead.
In fairness to your boy, nine days with grandparents he isn’t close to was a receipt for disaster. As a previous poster pointed out they didn’t do a brilliant job on giving their own son decent morals did they??

I would be giving him his number one supper, telling him that he would have to talk to me about what happened at some point soon but I would listen without judging as no matter what he is your son and you always have to be on your kids side. Tell him you will always back him up but he needs to tell you exactly what happened so you can understand why he reacted like he did.
He hasn’t had an ‘ outburst’ for more than two years. Two years is a long time to go without one. Something awful has happened to make him do this. Give him the love and support he needs.
And in all honesty - the grandparents, no matter what your son did, should be ashamed. To say to a 14 year old that they never want to see him again - bloody selfish old gits. To me their behaviour says that they have done something wrong, they damn well know it but they would rather give up a leg than admit to it, and they made a fast escape with a parting shot of ‘never want to see you again’ rather than hold their hands up to whatever triggered this emotional outburst. I have seen this myself and certain generations would rather poke their eyes out with a rusty nail thansay sorry or admit they are wrong to their offspring or their Gchildren.

Give him time and love and the truth will out.
And tell us what it is please- because I damn well know i am right!

Please try and find out both sides of this.

The truth will lie somewhere in-between.

Buckingfrolicks that's one heck of an assumption about my parenting there. The non contact with biological father came after 4 years of regular contact, first every weekend and then when he took DS and slept over night in a car because he was accused of something we moved to supervised contact and only at the point of being charged of a sexual offence did he go no contact, but hey what do I know about keeping lines of communication open?!

He made the choice to go. He doesn't often sleep out even at close family/friends and I never push him to go.

Icecreamface I think he was homesick and couldn't verbalise, something he has long standing issues with. If DS starts down the path of losing his temper engaging with him often escalated the situation, I have a feeling it's spiralled rapidly, but planning on having a longer conversation with grandparents tomorrow.

So much for all the they must have done something AWFUL to him halfwits.

It’s not halfwitted .

A nine day holiday for someone who hardly ever goes away, with grandparents in a place that may not be teenage friendly is awful. Even if the child seemed keen to go at first.

Guys less in fighting and more helpful advice to the OP. Obviously we don't know OP's son or the GP's as well as she does so we can only offer suggestions and she'll be the one who sees which shoe fits!

My two cents is it does sound like he was feeling homesick or unsettled - and it came out as anger and then the GP batted the hornets nest, until it avalanched out of control. I do feel sorry for DS he probably feels awful about it. You sound lovely OP! Of course you were going to let him go if he was keen (if you stopped him everyone would be up in arms saying you were babying your teenager). On this occasion it didn't work out but he can still learn from it and maybe try a shorter trip, closer to home next time (maybe with different hosts!).

I think you were a bit unrealistic expecting him to go away with grandparents to the Lakes for 9 days

She didn't. Read her posts.

@Isadora2007 your advice it's a 100% correct.
They are giving up and clearly not able to resolve conflict.
I'll give my son time to calm down and have a chat.
Most people are too quick to demonise a 14 year old.
Sound advice

Whatever happened on the holiday the underlying issue is he is upset about his biological father being absent / not a good father - and something about being with the parents of the absent / not good father has made this worse.

Maybe their parenting technique / attitude to sons/grandsons is a contributory cause?

Maybe he thought they would be nice and kind to him and give him the support he has missed from his biological father, but instead they have somehow made it all feel worse?

Something doesn't add up here.

Good luck with your conversation with the GP’s- it does sound like there’s more to the story, which you need to know before dealing with your boy

I'm very close to DD1 and my DGS. But DD1 and I both know he's a pain in the arse 14yo. I can just see him behaving like this. He thinks he's better than everyone else and can never admit he's in the wrong. An entitled brat. We're hoping he'll mature out of it and we're always explaining how he should behave in any set of circumstances that affect other people.
DGS is a nice enough kid but also very selfish.

There aren't always two equal sides to a story.