Making mum friends, did you do it?

[YouBetterWORK]

Wallowing self pity post...but when did you find your 'mum' friends? The mums you get to know as people instead of mummies, who you go out and socialise with?

DD is 6 months, and I've been going to lots of groups. I'm quite quiet at first, cannot do small talk and can never think of anything to say. I also go in with an air of mistrust, or an expectation that I won't be liked - thanks to bullying in Primary, then being ostracised at secondary and even at uni if I'm honest. I'm nice enough 1 on 1 but if anyone else shows up I'm dropped. I can still hear one girl at secondary school telling me that I should go away, I'm boring and no one likes me.

Anyway, 6 months into this and I've still not got beyond polite chat. I did have a good 1 to 1 chat with someone and thought I'd made a friend, but it's back to polite chat now. Other mums sit there chatting away, they seem to have lots to talk about. NCT mums hardly meet up, and when they do some are really familiar with each other and talking about recent events, like they've been socialising outside iyswim.

It might just be me overthinking, but I went to a baby thing today, saw 2 mums there who included me for a bit then got seats next to each other and that was it for talking to me. Then another one I recognised came up and invited them to hang out afterwards and I slopped off home on my pity party for one thinking surely by NOW I would have one mum friend, someone to go to the park with, have round for coffee, or the pub!

So yeah, what are people's experiences? Did you crack it eventually or just remain at chit chat level?

13 month old and polite chit chat only. I’m probably not a good person to ask though as I hate socialising and actively avoid it 😂

Could you ask a few you talk to if they fancy coffee or something?

What area are you ? Maybe some other people on here are looking for Mum friends ?

With DD1 I went to loads of groups and made lots of effort. I did make friends but in hindsight most were acquaintances because we mainly lost contact when they went back to work. I do still frequently see three of the group I made but only consider one a real friend. I found it incredibly hard to break into the ready made NCT groups at all of the baby/toddler groups I went to.

With DD2 I cheated and signed up to an NCT antenatal course and made some of the best friends I have had. We still see each other several times a week and chat on WhatsApp daily. I know not everyone is lucky enough to get on so well with their NCT group (and we were a big group with a few we hardly ever see now) but for me it has been one of the best things I did - even though the course itself was fairly useless for me.

DD now 12 months- didnt keep any mum friends from baby groups. Polite chit chat, exchanged numbers and even arranged a meet up- got cancelled and then i didnt bother again. Too difficult.

DD is 8 months and to be honest you've just got to throw yourself in there and keeping chatting away. It didn't come easily to me at all and I've struggled with terrible anxiety over the years but I made myself do it.
Remember - they are new just like you! If the conversation stumbles just smile and ask if they've plans for the rest of the week. Suggest a walk in the park ... anything

It is hard to make friends as adults but you need to forget past anxieties - fake it til you make it!

I’ve done the group thing but the Mum friends I’ve made have all been randomly in the park. I have one friend who I did meet at a group but we only swapped numbers after bumping in to each other in the local playground and realising we were neighbours. DH met a Dad friend in the same park and we see him and his wife for dinner once a month or so. So hang around the playground is my advice!

Have you got the Mush app? I’ve met a couple of lovely mums on there. There are a few time wasters but also some nice mums. And if you’re looking for one-to-one friendships it should suit you well.

I’ve been to a couple of classes and had nice chats with the mums but not developed any long term friendships.

I had several mum friends for a time, by ultimately we didn’t have anything much in common. Some of my NCT group were nice but I wouldn’t have become friends with them in normal life so I let it slide.
I made one lovely friend who I really got on well with, but she’s moved away now. I’m thinking of getting in touch with her over the summer.
I feel for you because I was bullied at school in a similar way to you. I bet you’re lovely. I know how it can knock your confidence.
Perhaps try doing something you’re interested in and meeting like minded people that way. I’m in a choir and a book group and have made some nice friends through that.

With DD1 I went to a first time mums group at the local children's centre where I made a group of friends. 1 I see often still, but still only with our DC so not really for a drink, and 3 others we meet up for a meal once every couple of months and catch up.

It's all nice but I wouldn't say any of these women are strong friendships, I wouldn't phone them in a crisis for example but we are friendly.

I made a good friend who I have a drink with once a month or so when she started pre-school and got invited to play at someone's house when she was 3. I hit it off with her mum and we are still friends now.

With DS I barely had time to make any friends so don't have any new friends from when he was a baby!

Don't fret- be brave and do the asking. If you don't meet anyone now you might find you make friendships when your baby is at school

similar experience here. met a few mums early on through a stay and play group. same faces each week. chat always very polite and baby focused. found mums were nice enough but never exchanged numbers and chat never moved more into the friends zone. seemed to be similar for everyone else too although looking from the outside it might look like we were all good friends if you didnt know better. the group stopped running when ds was about 6 months so we exchanged numbers and things have progressed a bit since then and several mums meet up on a fairly regular basis but it is more about getting out the house and very baby focused rather than real friends. I suspect some of us will stay in contact others will fizzle out a bit as we return to work.
I would say just be brave. I don't normally put myself out there much but I soon realised that everyone is in the same situation and likely also feeling anxious, isolated or struggling with some aspect of parenting even those that look very confident and 'together'. the friendships might not develop into much more than just someone to help you pass the time of day but that in itself can be very important when things are tough.
good luck

I've made one friend from group I meet regularly. There's a couple I get on well with at the groups who I've mentioned meeting up in the holidays to and they've added me on Facebook so I'm going to contact them to see if they do want to.

I've also made a couple friends on the mush app which I was very sceptical about but there's some lovely people on there

I struggled with this too. I'm ok one to one but in a group I clam up and go silent. I often feel that other people in groups make friends much quicker than me and I get left behind. I think making friends as an adult you have to be bold sometimes. When you get on well with someone invite them for coffee or lunch, or suggest swapping numbers and arrange a play date together or suggest another activity you could do together. A couple of people did this for me and it definitely helped to cement the friendship.

I think DS was about 2 before I felt I had found my "village".

I had NCT friends who I was quite close to for the first year but drifted apart from them when I split with my XP and moved. It was quite hard for that year, I went to groups at the Children's Centre 4 days a week, that got me to meet some people but it wasn't until I started going to a specific other group (it was a La Leche League one, but TBH I don't think the type of group is important) that I met the kind of friends that I ended up going to their houses or meeting up with them outside of the group regularly.

Now I've moved abroad and am expecting DC2 and I started going to a meetup.com brunch for ladies with kids. I have such a massive age gap between DC1 and DC2 that the friends I initially met through that group have all finished having babies now but through the network from that group I'm identifying people who have babies up to around a year old now or who are pregnant now and I'm slowly assembling them as my "village" this time I have not explicitly floated this with them but basically I'm concentrating my social efforts on that specific set of people and I'm going to try and strengthen my relationships with them and see which ones stick. It is easier second time around to be quite methodical like that, and I think it's important, because you don't have the structure of seeing someone regularly like you do with work colleagues etc.

Another trick which helps is if you find more than one person who seem to get on, make a habit of inviting both/some/all of them when you go to do things rather than arranging things with them separately. Then it tends to become a habit to include people in a group and it means you're more likely (IME) to stick together rather than having lots of more fragmented relationships which can fade if one person is having a difficult time or anything like that.

I made one friend at NCT, ten years later we still get together about once every three months. And I’ve made one friend of a school run mum but we work in the same industry and have a lot of other stuff in common.
Ds starts senior school in Sept so I will have another set of mums to meet.

I didn't really manage it tbh and had exactly the same thing with NCT mums.

I cracked it at school though. I'm not a typical school gate mum and don't know everyone. There are certainly some who know everyone and are at the middle of every conversation.

But I struck up a friendship in reception with 2 other mums, our DCs all enjoyed playing with each other and we're on the same wavelength.

It won't always be like this, but sometimes it might be good to push yourself outside of your comfort zone and initiate a meet up with other mums. Or swap numbers to catch up another time. You'll get there!

Not until DS went to school to be honest. Although I did then re-meet some of the mums I'd met at toddler group as their kids were at the same school.

I've a good few Mum friends now - occasional nights out and one proper friend.

NCT mums for me. We went out for dinner a few weeks ago and tried not to talk about the kids! Lol! I also made some mum friends at a baby massage class and through my son's nursery.

Any friends I made on maternity leave I lost touch with on returning to work. NCT second time round was worth every penny and nursery mums / school mums. I would say it took longer than 6 months.

Your experience sounds normal DS is 18mo now. It all seemed so important on mat leave but now most have drifted away back to work etc. I'd say to you have a little think about what you actually want out of it. Not what you think you should get out of it. But what you, personally, want. I felt a lot more secure once I stopped trying to make mums like me. I figured out I just needed somewhere to go out with DS and chat about baby stuff or whatever to kill some time and feel less alone. Plus eat cake! And entertain DS. There are so many expectations I put on myself, it felt good to take some off.

This thread is really helpful as my DD is almost 1 and I haven't really made a single mum friend. NCT don't have many groups around us so from the group I went to all the mums live 50 minutes away so tend to do things together and go to local baby groups in a little group of 4. I get along with them and we chat on WhatsApp but that's mostly it.

I find it really difficult to make mum friends despite being a (I'm told) nice person, because I A) have social anxiety and overthink every situation and end up panicking and saying stupid things, and B) am 22 and most mums in all the group's I've been to in my area are sort of early-ish thirties up to mid fourties age so I find them a bit scary to talk to and feel a bit looked down on.

I need to be a bit more brave I think.

I was the first of my friends to have kids, so I was keen to make some mum friends. Ante-natal classes were a wash out, didn't really click with anyone at baby massage, although they were all nice enough. As a last ditch went to a post natal exercise class, got chatting a little to one woman and plucked up the courage to ask her if she fancied a coffee ( in the sports centre). She said yes, and over the next few weeks I found other people chatted to me and I invited them too! Eventually there was a little group of around six of us, and it was great! I'm actually only still in touch with 3 of that group, but 14 years later I think that's not bad odds!

Be brave, move onto another group. Good luck!

You could always contact NCT (or just advertise yourself) and create a house group for mums in your local area. The idea is to take it in turns to host at each other's houses each week and get to know each other better with a view to a weekly pub quiz or something too?

Nursery school age (so when dd1 was 2) and again at school age.

I was sooo lonely on maternity leave. Did my best to be smiley and friendly and had a few "nearly friends" but never quite got to swapping numbers. With hindsight I should have been braver about suggesting coffee, giving phone no etc.

Funnily enough I met one of my "nearlies" a few weeks ago at a party and we did swap numbers! We both remembered each other it's just taken us 5 years to get braver...

If you can't think of things to say, ask people about themselves. I wasn't born a natural socialiser, was also bullied at school, but I now in my 40s have a lot of friends and am pretty good at chit chat. Its a learned skill, not some voodoo magic quality

The one thing that stands out for me when I meet someone who clearly is very shy and finds small talk hard is that they rarely show any interest in me! People who are easy to get on with ask a lot of genuine questions. Essentially, it helps if you see your aim as not to make friends - that's a welcome byproduct of when you discover you have things in common - but rather in the first instance to find out as much as possible about the other person. It's hard work when it doesn't come naturally, but it is a skill you can acquire. Also, you need to persevere and have a thick skin, because at least 80% of that kind of conversation goes nowhere because you realise you have nothing in common. Up that percentage if you live somewhere where you 'stick out' for whatever reason, whether by virtue of class, occupation, accent, age, nationality, etc etc! Eventually you start to forget you were ever shy!

When I had my 1st DD, I tried hard to make mum friends. I think you've got to really be able to fake it until you make it iyswim with all the small talk and constant baby chat. I just found it a bit uncomfortable and desperate really. It didn't make me feel good trying so hard to find someone to mum befriend! I noticed at groups, that once people found one, it was all in-jokes and over exaggerated joviality like LOOK, IVE GOT A MUM FRIEND!!!

I found it so unnatural and forced. It's just not the normal way anyone makes friends in any other scenario really. I need someone with a lot of personality, that's honest, open and likes a good laugh! Everyone I seemed to meet were nice enough but there was no click really!

When I went back to work, a year in we took on a woman who turned into one of my best friends within literally a matter of weeks! We just clicked and we have such a laugh and so much in common. She has kids too and ours really get on. I'm fact my 3yo DD absolutely idolises her 7yo DD!

I think all relationships are the same really, the best ones are when you're not looking, and friendship is no different I guess! So hang in there, you will find a great mum friend when you are least expecting it I bet.

Becoming a mum can be a lonely thing at times, and in my opinion, I felt it wasn't really the best time to try and strike up a friendship as I was a bit low as it was. I could have done without the pressure of forced socialising and insecurity of thinking I must be the only person who can't find anyone to be friends with!!