Making mum friends, did you do it?

[YouBetterWORK]

Wallowing self pity post...but when did you find your 'mum' friends? The mums you get to know as people instead of mummies, who you go out and socialise with?

DD is 6 months, and I've been going to lots of groups. I'm quite quiet at first, cannot do small talk and can never think of anything to say. I also go in with an air of mistrust, or an expectation that I won't be liked - thanks to bullying in Primary, then being ostracised at secondary and even at uni if I'm honest. I'm nice enough 1 on 1 but if anyone else shows up I'm dropped. I can still hear one girl at secondary school telling me that I should go away, I'm boring and no one likes me.

Anyway, 6 months into this and I've still not got beyond polite chat. I did have a good 1 to 1 chat with someone and thought I'd made a friend, but it's back to polite chat now. Other mums sit there chatting away, they seem to have lots to talk about. NCT mums hardly meet up, and when they do some are really familiar with each other and talking about recent events, like they've been socialising outside iyswim.

It might just be me overthinking, but I went to a baby thing today, saw 2 mums there who included me for a bit then got seats next to each other and that was it for talking to me. Then another one I recognised came up and invited them to hang out afterwards and I slopped off home on my pity party for one thinking surely by NOW I would have one mum friend, someone to go to the park with, have round for coffee, or the pub!

So yeah, what are people's experiences? Did you crack it eventually or just remain at chit chat level?

My eldest is ten and I made two groups of friends from him who are still going strong. My NCT group who I see 3-4 times a year as they live around 40 minutes away. My Surestart friends are all local and I see them more frequently. I have holidays abroad with both groups. They are really good friends and we’ve gelled well as a group.

My youngest is a toddler and I went to Surestart new mothers groups again and met two new mothers. I chatted to them, added them on Facebook and when the group was going to end for the summer break one of them invited me for coffee. Other friends of theirs including an old friend of mine have joined our group now and there are seven of us.
We chat every day on the group chat and it’s so nice to just be able to put out a message asking if anyone wants to meet up that day and whoever’s free will come along. They are some of my closest friends now and I feel very lucky to have them all.

I would sign up to a block of classes-you’ll got consistency of mums each week.

Also church play groups tend to be very inclusive (don’t have to be religious).

My eldest is 12 this year and I’ve never managed to make a mum friend. I’ve tried but I can’t be anything but myself and I don’t seem to fit in anywhere... so I just kind of hang out with my kids lol
Occasionally I got chatty with a few but it goes nowhere. I’ve had the confidence knocked out of me a few times and I guess I just gave up

With DS1 we did NCT, got on well, a decent sized group who met up.regularly formed from the NCT group plus various others. The when DS1 was 1 we moved away and I had to start again. I made one genuine friend at a toddler group but was pretty lonely so when DS2 came along I was determined to do better. I've made a real effort to suggest going for coffee, ask for people's phone numbers etc and am starting to feel happier. Not sure if I've made lifelong friends but I at least have people to talk to and to do stuff with.

I haven’t been successful in making mum friends. I attended a couple of courses but people barely swapped names never mind phone numbers. I tried a mums group but it was hell on earth: lots of mums sitting in a circle chatting to each other and ignoring the newbie (me) while their kids ran around waving toys dangerously close to my tiny DS, climbing over my legs and stomping on my handbag. I drank my coffee and left without anyone saying a word to me.

I had a similar experience to you at school and it does have lasting negative effects. You expect to be unpopular and disliked so it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. I don’t think I’ve ever had an actual friend.

I only have one proper mummy friend. I met her at a baby massage class when dd was 8 weeks old.
She told me about a nursery rhyme group she goes to and I came along to it one week and then invited her out for a coffee afterwards.
We're really good friends now.

If you think someone is nice, invite them for a baby date or coffee or something and see how it goes :)

I'm like you OP. I struggle with chit chat and thinking of things to say to keep the conversation going. Once I know someone and I feel comfortable I'll chat away! But getting to that stage can be difficult.

I didn't find any mum friends until I switched baby groups when DS was about 2. Before then I would occasionally go to the group at the local children's centre, where everyone already had their little groups and no-one new was allowed a look in. Someone recommended a baby group at a local church, so I went along and I was immediately greeted with a smile and a cup of tea by the couple running it, and everyone was really keen to chat. I think sometimes you just need to find the right group. I made two friends there and we stayed in contact until DS started nursery, and that's where I met the mum friends that I have now. Waiting around at pick up time was a great away to get chatting to other parents! DS is now 7 and I'm still friends with those mums from nursery. Some ended up at the same school as DS, others are still living locally. But we've all kept in touch.

You'll get there OP. It's still very early days. Keep persevering with the chat and try different groups in your area

Wow, a lot of posts! Thank you all. I probably made things sound a bit worse on my OP as I'd just come out of that situation where my self esteem had a battering. I have had a couple of mums add me on facebook so that's something I suppose.

I hear what you're saying about asking people things, I've heard that before, the key is getting people talking about themselves. In fact I went to a q&a at a comic con with John Rhys Davies, who started off with a talk about being nervous and the key is to imagine everyone else is and it's your job to make them feel at ease, which made so much sense.

As for what I want, it's similar to the poster who asked me. So someone to chat with while babies hang out, getting out of the house etc. Then thinking ahead I may see these mums at nursery then school, and breaking into a group there won't be so hard.

As they say tomorrow is another day, I will think of questions I can ask then get cracking!

I didn't go to nct. Long story. I was desperate for Mum friends because my marriage was on its knees. I went to loads of groups and managed to crash an nct group at baby yoga. The nct group I would have been assigned as babies all similar birthdays to dd1. One of the mums made a point of inviting me to things and I was pulled into the clique. I'm very grateful as they are still very close friends now. Kids are like siblings now they are 8.
Op you have to keep pushing it's worth it x

I have three, my oldest is 9, I'm still waiting lol. Sorry that wasn't helpful.

I could have written this post myself. I'm also quite reserved, mistrusting and was bullied at school. I'm also good 1 on 1 but not so much in groups.

I've made aquantances. I have one friend who I sort of knew before we had kids and having kids made us closer - I see her once a week although she has many other friend so while she's probably one of my closest mum friends, I'm not hers.

I've arranged a couple of play dates with other mums but they tend to be one off's and I always seem to instigate them.

To be honest, between work, spending time with dd, chores, walking the dog and riding my horse, I don't have time for lots of close friends.

I have enough people that I can keep myself busy if I want but I find I like spending time with just me and dd sometimes. I am however mindful to ensure she socialises so she goes to several classes (swimming, dance, tennis) to help her make friends. Unfortunately, she has inherited my preferance for 1 on 1 friendships which worries me!

When my child started school! A couple from nursery, but mainly it's school mum friends. I made a bang hearted effort at ante-natal/baby groups but it just didn't happen. Now my school mum friends are good friends and I really didn't expect it. Nice surprise!

I'm somebody who went from having a few very close friends pre-DD, to now being very active socially. I think a lot of it is luck (I did a great pregnancy yoga course and met a wonderful bunch of women) but some things I have found helpful to do:

Going to the local park regularly for DD to go on the swings (yours might be keen on that soon) or just to watch the older kids.

If in doubt about what to discuss, something about another person's child, their eating habits, what they're up to etc can make for a good conversation, as long as it doesn't become a competition.

As a PP said, an activity type thing where you have the same crowd every week is a good idea - swimming, mummy and me fitness, singing, whatever.

I have to say though, some of what you're describing the other mums do is just rude, nothing to do with you. It's terrible manners to invite someone to something in earshot of someone else who isn't invited.

I've met some good friends at the playground, esp first thing when it's nearly empty and it's just you and the other person standing next to each other at the swings! Non-pressured because you are constantly running after your child, and it's just one on one. After a few times you feel like you know them, and it goes from there.

You're either a small talk person or you're not (I'm not), don't worry about it.

I went back to work and had friends there who were also parents.

It can be very hard and does sound quite normal as other pps have said. In my experience, things got a lot better for me when I started to volunteer to help at the playgroups, ie, clear up afterwards or make a cup of tea. The other volunteer mums really appreciate it and you bond over the fact that nobody else helps, lol. This is where my closest mum friends come from. Good luck