Going from 1 to 2 kids

[Scotgirl80]

Hi,

We are considering trying for baby 2 but I'm so scared of how I will cope. DC was colic, didn't sleep for more than 2 hours for 15 months and DH was not around much to help as he worked 6 weeks away, 1 week home. I also suffered from PND. I can honestly say the 1st year of my DC life was the hardest thing I have had to go through personally and also in our marriage. It would be good to get your option on the following:

1. which was harder, going from no children to 1 or from 1 to 2?

2. did having more than 1 child put more pressure on your marriage?

3. what is the age gap between your kids? Would you have preferred if you had DC2 sooner or later?

4. for those mums who BF number 2, how the hell did you do it?!? I used to sit for hours feeding DC, I can't see that happening with number two when I have a toddler running around

5. did you need your partner to be more hands on once the second arrives? DH is having to work every hour under the sun at moment so I doubt he will be able to help much

thanks!

0-1...a breeze

1-2...honestly, it was a huge shock to the system.

Our relationship was fine, although I did wonder if we would ever eat a meal together again! I couldn't bf much past a week though as I had an active toddler to look after and that wasn't conducive to sitting on the sofa bf for hours a day! Age gap was 2.5 years.

I'm watching as I have a high needs newborn and similar questions

I found with the first, you did everything 'by the book', tried to fit everything around the baby etc. With no. 2 they have to fit in around you eg if Ds had a group to go to, we went DD just had to nap on the way, whereas with Ds if it was nap time we wouldn't have gone. DD wouldn't take a bottle so I BFd for 15 months. Toddler fits around it - watch TV, read stories, play on the floor whilst chatting. I was a SAHM which may have made it easier, but I didn't find 2 that much worse. All babies are different and present their own challenges. Mine were 2.8 yrs apart. I think it helped that DS was slightly more independent when DD came along, but had stopped napping during the day.

I'm curious about this too. I'm currently pregnant with DC2 and DD is 7 months. I'm worried we've made a huge mistake....

We’ve just had our 2nd this year and honestly in comparison it’s been a breeze.

Going from none to 1 was 100x harder. I’ve barely noticed the change from 1 to 2. But it completely depends on the sort of baby you get. My first was high needs and needed lots from us 24/7. 2nd is really chill, happy to entertain himself, and despite being ebf has slept through pretty much since 10 weeks (first was largely ff and didn’t sleep through til she was 3.5). They just have very different personalities and that’s made it a lot easier.

Again the first was definitely more of a shock to our marriage. We’re just in a different place now. Not that our marriage wasn’t good when we had our dd (it was by anyone’s standards), but we’ve been through a lot in the intervening years and we’re even more solid now. I think though if you’ve coped well in your relationship with number one then the second just slots in. We have a good egalitarian system for how we share parenting and housework, etc. and we’ve just carried on with that. We didn’t have to figure everything out from the ground up this time and that made it much, much easier.

I didn’t need more help once we had our second, but I did need the same amount of support. I think we probably are unusual maybe that we share things very equally. My dh is self employed and he arranges his day around family life. He’s here in the morning to see us off on the school run and is home every afternoon to do the dishes before we sit down for dinner together. He has always done bathtime every night for our older one and now puts her to bed while I do everything with our baby. So I’d say the only extra thing he’s doing really is bedtime. I will say though that bath and bedtime is hellish on your own and that’s something to consider if your dh isn’t going to be home much of the time.

Also I would say that I think age gaps make a huge difference. Our older one is 5 and in school. She can entertain herself while I do feeds. She can get herself a drink or a snack. She sleeps well. She can help. She’s also at school all day so with the exception of 3-5 each afternoon, I rarely am home alone with the two of them. Baby gets lots of time and attention and I’m not stretched thin. There’s no way though I would have wanted to have a 2nd sooner than when my first was in school. It means they both get my attention and I’m not just drowning constantly.

That’s made things like feeding forever much easier. In the early weeks, my dd watched a lot of tv and spent a lot of time on her tablet. Not ideal maybe but it bought me some much needed time with baby or to nap. My dh also arranged work so he could take off 2 weeks initially but then also additional days over school holidays when I would have them both and needed an extra set of hands while I was still figuring it out.

Honestly having two kids is so much easier than having one. By absolute miles

1. which was harder, going from no children to 1 or from 1 to 2?

1 to 2 here, it was really hard going from 0-1 don't get me wrong but still more of an adventure. 1 to 2 meant we couldn't just survive on takeaways in a tip of a house if needs be in touch early days - I had school runs, a child to cook for and entertain as well as juggling in the baby. I also underestimated how much of an issue/heartbreak it would be having to pick between being with each child (like a middle of night hospital trip but also on a smaller scale when eldest upset or needs help but youngest also needing something)

2. did having more than 1 child put more pressure on your marriage?

YES! An almighty yes, the first two years of child two have been genuinely catastrophic for our relationship. I'm just hoping we can ride it out

3. what is the age gap between your kids? Would you have preferred if you had DC2 sooner or later?

5 years, I'm not sure it makes much difference really, always pros and cons

4. for those mums who BF number 2, how the hell did you do it?!? I used to sit for hours feeding DC, I can't see that happening with number two when I have a toddler running around

Feeding in a sling, only way for me. Tested to limit when eldest didn't want to miss out on a trip out - solo parenting breastfeeding a 2 week old on the tea cups anyone

5. did you need your partner to be more hands on once the second arrives? DH is having to work every hour under the sun at moment so I doubt he will be able to help much

Not sure, I found although I wanted a lot more help I actually got a whole lot less, from everyone. It's like people think 'oh you know what you're doing now' and leave you to it.

Sorry that's all been a bit doom and gloom I know. Truth is it's been the hardest period of my life and my mental health has taken such a battering. It is worth it, but the first few years are incredibly exhausting with most children. I absolutely whole heartedly adore my children but can categorically say that just having one would have been so so so much easier on a daily basis for us. Wouldn't change it though

Is it worth trying to learn and getting advice on how to breastfeed in a sling beforehand?

I found 0-1 way harder. Cos number 1 was (still is) bloody hard work.

DS2 is much more laid back. I BF DS2 for 18 months (from age 6 months just morning and evening) and it was easy. DS1 quickly learnt that if he wanted me to attend to him quickly he would say he needed the loo! Guaranteed I'd put DS2 down

But DS2 never minded and the beauty of BF was I'd just pop him back on again afterwards.

We'd also lowered our standards. Rather than struggling to get baby/toddler to sleep in own room, I co-slept with the baby and DH with the toddler.

Once DS2 was playing, DS1 was also much easier as he pestered us less for attention.

I find the transition about the same. I have 2 13 month gap. Was a bit of a strain but understandable under circs. Breastfeeding no issue at all but DS2 was a brilliant feeder compared to DS1. DS1 was also a very calm contented toddler most of the time.

I had DS2 when DS1 was only 1. I managed to bf but it was hard work and very tiring being up feeding in the night then having both all day. Keeping DS1 in nursery 1 day a week helped.

I would personally have preferred a bigger age gap (not planned) especially as DS1 is autistic, though we didn't know this til he was 2.

Mine are 2.3 years apart. I think I found 1-2 harder than 0-1. Doing all the newborn stuff with a toddler in tow is not easy and I’ve had pretty chilled babies both times. I was very lucky that my parents and then inlaws came to stay for a few weeks each at the start (we live abroad) so I had a lot of time to focus on breastfeeding baby. After about 6 weeks she became pretty efficient so it felt easier than bottles.

Like a pp said, the baby just has to fit in. I’ve breastfed in all sorts of random places that I never would’ve my eldest. And he had a solid nap routine and very set mealtimes and healthy food only. she just gets dragged about to whatever class or group we are doing that day and fed some random meal combinations at some odd times. Doesn’t seem to bother her though!

On a practical level how do you prepare food,dress, change nappies and do laundry for a toddler when you have a baby who can't be put down for long periods? Do you just have to leave them to cry in a cot or sling for however long it takes?

On a practical level how do you prepare food,dress, change nappies and do laundry for a toddler when you have a baby who can't be put down for long periods? Do you just have to leave them to cry in a cot or sling for however long it takes?

Loads of folk will say sling, but even with only a 13 month gap, i never had or needed one. I dunno really, mine were just fine. Baby was either in crib or bouncy chair and toddler just bimbled about or was in playpen/in bedroom with stair gate over the door.

I think i was just lucky in that they were pretty easy babies. Don't get me wrong, it was often utterly exhausting and DH and I worked full time and juggled childcare until eventually he gave up work to stay home for a while as I needed to travel with a new job.

DC2 due anytime now and DC1 is a toddler so am very interested in the responses. I am worried about the same things as you OP! DC1 was a very relaxed baby so am hoping we are lucky to have another with a similar temperament...

*any time

Ive actually been finding it a lot better than expected (touch wood) Its early days yet but I have a 3yo son and I just had my daughter two weeks ago.
Like you I had a terrible time with my son. Birth was awful and was injured limiting my mobility for some time. Developed PND. Son was not a good seeper would only sleep on his front on someones chest which led to much sleep deprivation.

Honestly this time round has so far been much better. My son is starting nursery in september and that will be helpful (his free 15 hours) I think the age gap of 3years has worked well for us as he is pretty able to understand whats going on. He seems to really love his baby sister and likes to help dress her and wash her etc. He comes in to give her a goodnight kiss etc. Keeps trying to give her his toys.
The birth was so much quicker (altho much more painful) and I was less injured after.
She is also so far much better at sleeping than he was.... I mean shes still a newborn and wakes a couple of times in the night but its nothing near the level of screaming my son used to do!
As for my marriage its been a bit easier this time too as ive had more support health wise due to them being switched on about me possibly suffering with PND again (although so far its not looking like I am) Which has taken some of the pressure off my husband I think. Also I think we know that the hardest times wont last.... With my son it was all a bit baptism by fire and it really seemed like things would always be hard.... but now hes a great sleeper and so weve seen that the disturbed sleep wont really go on forever and its giving us a bit more patience with each other!

Anyway so far its been really sort of healing after my birth experience and the newborn days with my son. Im glad we decided to have a second despite our fears.

oh yes and I breastfed my son and hated it... I think perhaps the PND made it worse but every minute felt like a million years.. I managed to do it for 10 months.
This time im finding breastfeeding much easier. She hardly lost any of her birth weight and ive had absolutely no issues with the feeding thus far.... I think a lot of that is down to again knowing that it wont last forever and how it feels not being such a shock.

DD is 6wks today, DS has just turned 5.

Appreciate it's early days but everything was way way harder going from 0-1! We were totally overwhelmed by becoming parents! DD (so far) is much easier than her brother. He had bad reflux and was high needs. She is showing signs of reflux but we've got help sooner so hopefully it won't be as bad.

Couldn't bf either time so can't comment there I'm afraid.

We're just so much more relaxed this time. And as DS is 5, he's more independent and can look after himself more and help out occasionally.

Hope this helps!

I found going from 1 to 2 much easier initially as I knew what to expect, and didn’t stress so much about everything. Our girls are 5.5 years apart so DD1 was at school most of the time, which meant I could just focus on DD2 when she was a baby.

However, DD2 is now 2.7 and I would say it is definitely harder having 2! So many times one of them kicks off just as the other is having a good day, it’s much more relentless than with one. Although they do keep each other entertained as well at times, so I guess it’s swings and roundabouts...

My first child also had colic, screamed for the first 3 months of his life. Didn't sleep through the night until about age 5.

1. which was harder, going from no children to 1 or from 1 to 2?

None to 1 100%

2. did having more than 1 child put more pressure on your marriage?

Not really as first child already put a lot of pressure on, it couldn't have got much worse!

3. what is the age gap between your kids? Would you have preferred if you had DC2 sooner or later?

6.5 years. Would have preferred about 4-5 years but as child no 1 didn't sleep we were too tired and scared!

4. for those mums who BF number 2, how the hell did you do it?!? I used to sit for hours feeding DC, I can't see that happening with number two when I have a toddler running around

FF both kids.

5. did you need your partner to be more hands on once the second arrives? DH is having to work every hour under the sun at moment so I doubt he will be able to help much

No - second child much easier. DH went back to work after 1 week. Second child you are much more confident as a parent.

My second was a good sleeper compared to my first but it was still hard. Two parents managing one child is sooo much easier because you can give each other breaks. Two children we find that there is much less free time. I had a larger gap and would definitely recommend this, particularly if, like me, you struggled with one.

I do remember me and DH saying to each other when DS2 was only a few months old (we have a 2.7 year gap) that it wasn't any extra work with 2 than with 1.

That was because DS1 was a LOT of work. But by the time DS2 arrived he was feeding himself, toilet trained etc. He started walking at 10 months so by 2.7 years was an extremely good walker (we stopped the pushchair at 18 months).

Form my point of view it was easier too because by then DH had stepped up a hell of a lot (he didn't do a huge amount when DS1 was a baby) so often he'd take one of the boys out and I'd stay with the other one, or he'd take both and I'd sleep

Our problem is sleep but that's still a problem now so

They play loads together now so that reduces the need for out input too!

I am finding going from 1-2 ridiculously hard whereas going from 0-1 was great. I have a 13 month age gap, DD is 8 weeks and DS is 15 months. I find I have to be super organised and constantly switched on, I’m struggling to leave the house sometimes especially as DS is tantrumming and majorly frustrated.

However, second time round I’m less concerned with meeting milestones and getting through tricky periods. For example, DD has been going through the ‘witching hour’ every evening just like DS did but I know it will pass soon!

I wouldn’t recommend a very small age gap.

1) which was harder, going from no children to 1 or from 1 to 2?
1 to 2, definitely. Largely because I found my second pregnancy much harder work (impossible to rest as much when you have a toddler), and I had pre and postnatal depression, which I didn't get with #1.

2) did having more than 1 child put more pressure on your marriage?
No

3) what is the age gap between your kids? Would you have preferred if you had DC2 sooner or later?
21 months. It's fine - bloody hard work for #2's first year, but now she is 2 it's starting to get really nice, they play together. #2 was a miracle natural pregnancy, but we were hoping have a gap of around two years, if a second was possible.

4) for those mums who BF number 2, how the hell did you do it?!?
I fed both mine for a year. #1 just had to lump it! Similarly, #2 had to lump it when we went to toddler groups etc. The world did not revolve the newborn in the way it did for #1. When #1 was napping it gave me and #2 some time alone together for feeds and cuddles, which was good.

5) did you need your partner to be more hands on once the second arrives?
This implies he wasn't hands on with #1? He's no more hands on with two than he was with one, but then he's always been as much of an engaged parent as I am anyway. He looked after me more than he had/needed to with #1, but then I was suicidally depressed with PND for the better part of a year, so not really similar circumstances.

I am so grateful for my two girls. Youngest is currently a stroppy two year old, but I love them both dearly, and love how much they love each other. It is a huge joy to see my children enjoying each other's company. Having a relatively short age gap does mean you are over the difficult early stage more quickly, and I find that my kids enjoy the same sorts of trips out and toys. I imagine a bigger age gap would mean one was often compromising for the sake of the other.