Going from 1 to 2 kids

[Scotgirl80]

Hi,

We are considering trying for baby 2 but I'm so scared of how I will cope. DC was colic, didn't sleep for more than 2 hours for 15 months and DH was not around much to help as he worked 6 weeks away, 1 week home. I also suffered from PND. I can honestly say the 1st year of my DC life was the hardest thing I have had to go through personally and also in our marriage. It would be good to get your option on the following:

1. which was harder, going from no children to 1 or from 1 to 2?

2. did having more than 1 child put more pressure on your marriage?

3. what is the age gap between your kids? Would you have preferred if you had DC2 sooner or later?

4. for those mums who BF number 2, how the hell did you do it?!? I used to sit for hours feeding DC, I can't see that happening with number two when I have a toddler running around

5. did you need your partner to be more hands on once the second arrives? DH is having to work every hour under the sun at moment so I doubt he will be able to help much

thanks!

1) which was harder, going from no children to 1 or from 1 to 2?
0-1 definitely harder. Complete culture shock for us, plus I now know DC1 was not an easy baby. 1-2 was hard but not in the same way. More about logistics than 'OMFG what's happened to my life'!

2) did having more than 1 child put more pressure on your marriage?
Yes, but less than the first one heaped on. I don't think it has caused any irreparable damage.

3) what is the age gap between your kids? Would you have preferred if you had DC2 sooner or later?
2yrs 2wks. Pros and cons to any gap. This one works for us. DH didn't want to be any older, I didn't want to be regaining life then returning to the baby years, I hoped they'd be close and thought a close-ish age gap would be most likely to achieve that.

4) for those mums who BF number 2, how the hell did you do it?!? I used to sit for hours feeding DC, I can't see that happening with number two when I have a toddler running around
CBeebies! Far more TV than I could have imagined allowing before. Plus we went to stuff like softplay where DC1 could play whilst I watched and fed DC2.

5) did you need your partner to be more hands on once the second arrives? DH is having to work every hour under the sun at moment so I doubt he will be able to help much
Yes. He was already doing his fair share, but he had to increase what he was doing (as did I!). DC1 was still waking at night and I couldn't have coped doing both children on my own. We have no family help so he needed to step it up.
He got by by using up the goid will he'd accrued at work. He had been (and now does again) often working late, taking on extra work etc etc so they knew he was worth making allowances for for a short time.

I've found the larger age gap it's easier in the Newborn days buy harder when they're older as into different things.

I had a 3.5 year age gap and dd was on preschool 3 days which was a life saver.

Plus dd2 was super chilled and fed in 15 mins almost straight away. She wouldn't be put down for a couple if months but just mastered the stretchy sling and wore it all day with baby popped in and out.

Definitely much easier than 0-1.

Watching this with interest as someone who could have written this post myself. Our dd 18 months. dH would love another - I'm not so sure!

1) which was harder, going from no children to 1 or from 1 to 2?
0-1 was a huge shock to the system. 1-2 was easy in the early days (DC1 was at school) but when I went back to work, default parenting + work nearly did me in. It's much more than twice the work.

2) did having more than 1 child put more pressure on your marriage?
DH would say yes. His 'whims' feel very much like another job on a very long list of things to do.

With DC1 we split the load fairly equally. With two and other changes we've gone much more 'traditional' in role. And it offends me, and I'm cross because I can't change it, or fight it, but 'giving in' means things are getting easier. I can't "have it all", it's true. But I feel like I'm giving in to the patriarchy.

3) what is the age gap between your kids? Would you have preferred if you had DC2 sooner or later?
5 year gap. DC1 was difficult, highly strung. We couldn't afford childcare for two (or for one of us to give up work). But, now we're a few years in, the terrible twos seem to be lasting 5 years 😩, I wonder if it would have been better to get it over sooner. But I think that really would have broken me!

4) for those mums who BF number 2, how the hell did you do it?!? I used to sit for hours feeding DC, I can't see that happening with number two when I have a toddler running around
DC1 was 5 and at school (which I thoroughly recommend!) so daytime was ok. With DC2 we used a dummy (no cluster feeding!), swaddle pods, sidecar cot which all made for a much more contented baby (and DC2 is much more laid back). But I think the dummy (and bottles at nursery from 6 months) is what led him to self wean from BF at 9 months. He just wasn't into it. Which i found a bit sad.

5) did you need your partner to be more hands on once the second arrives? DH is having to work every hour under the sun at moment so I doubt he will be able to help much
I don't remember in the early days. I think he must've been. But since then he's done less and I've done more.

Having 2 feels so much more 'right' than just 1. But it is carnage. A colleague once said to me that having 1 is like having a pet, but having 2 is like having a zoo. Mull that one over. It's so right!

@Getoffthetableplease your post resonates, having DC2 has been awful for my MH too. But not DC2 themself, just all the STUFF to do and having so little left of me. I don't even know who I am any more.

@Metalhead "relentless", that's it.

@skankingpiglet "I didn't want to be regaining life then returning to the baby years" THIS! Except I didn't realise this until now! Initially it was fine, all cute baby and maternity leave stuff. Now it's just hard work. And it'll be another 2 years till we get some semblance of normality back.

All this, and yet paradoxically I'm actually very happy with life with 2. Maybe just not today... 4 tantrums into the first day of the holidays...

Good luck OP. And thanks to PPs for sharing, it's really nice to read that my experience is fairly typical.

Argh I'm finding this thread difficult to read! But so insightful and honest...thanks for kickstarting the conversation OP. I'm expecting a son in October when my daughter will be 20 months old. We were planning a bigger gap but nature (and carelessness ) had other ideas! DD was very colicky and is full-on now (and I'm still breastfeeding) and DH is out of the house 12 hours a day week days with a lot of travel. I'm terrified. Solidarity OP!