Legal guardianship of your child if anything happened to you and their other parent

[bourbonbiccy]

I have recently experienced the devastatingly heartbreaking bereavement of my amazing mum. I have an 11 month old and it has left me starting to make plans and put things in place if anything ever happens to me. This led me to thinking, what would happen if anything happened to both myself and my hubby. While my brother is an amazing person and I would love my son to grow up to have a lot if his qualities and I know he would look after my son in every way possible, he is not great with kids and both him and his partner have said they don't want kids, and my brother regularly says his partner can't look after herself never mind a kid or pet. But my brother has made a comment about obviously "getting" my son if anything happened to us. But I feel my hubby sister would be better equipped.but I would want caviats in place like she couldn't move him out the country so my family can't see him etc

Sorry about that waffle, so in short has anyone put a legal guardianship in place in a will? Who did you award it too and why? And did you put any caviats in.

@Pixiedust2017 yeah that is really interesting and useful to know, I will definitely have to check the pecking order , so to speak , and what is actually enforceable by the courts through your will. Thanks again

Yes, I am asking them not to move my child away from everything it knows and the rest of his family. You sound like you think this is a big ask ?
Would you like your child dragged away from everyone else they know?

The people I am thinking if asking, I'm 99.99999% confident would not dream of doing this anyway but its just of late I have seen how people can change and I want to ensure certain things don't happen.
I don't think it's unreasonable to say if your moving abroad my DS will then be go and live with(insert name here)And stay with the rest of the family and friends here in the uk

Yes they would know that they were in the care of their family, who wanted them and loved them ,as their mum and dad were no longer here. And they would know they will be safe and secure surrounded by the support network they have always know.
In response to my post , do you have anything in place for your children and anything that may be of use ?

My eldest sister has agreed to take ds if anything happens to me. She & brother in law are quite a lot older so we’ve agreed that once my house & stuff was sold, the money could be used for ds to go to weekly boarding school close to her home.
That way, she & bil wouldn’t struggle, and ds would always have someone close by who loves him and would be genuinely glad to see him whenever he went home.
Hope it never happens but the absolute best I can do.

No I am in no way cross sorry if i come across that way and have thanked everyone for their posts that reply to question and I understand everyone does things in their own way, hence me asking how you have done things with your children? .

WhyBird2k I currently live in my husbands home country a long way away from my home country. The solicitor said that as we live in a different country at the moment and the person I would prefer not to have custody of the children lives here and is related to the children is here it would prove difficult in court to have them moved back to my country should my parents not be around.
We are planning to move back to the UK in the next 5 years anyway, as I want to be closer to my family and friends (we live a VERY VERY long way away) and I want to make the move preferably before the children start school or as soon as possible into it.
I have stipulated in my will that I want the children to be brought up in the UK and my friend who would have legal guardianship is also in the UK.
I think the fact the person I do not want to have guardianship is a close(ish) relative is the main factor however.
I am not sure how it would play out in courts should my parents not be around. But I am also not sure that the relative would potentially be prepared to pay the court costs that would be involved to fight it whereas I have accounted for this in my will.
I was advised against having an estate or a trust for the children as it would prevent people from being able to spend the money on themselves. e.g. my friend as it currently stands will not in the forseeable future be able to afford her own house. It would therefore be to my childrens benefit for her to be able to purchase a house with my estate as they can all live in it and I don't mind her making a monetary gain like that if she is taking care of my children. I trust her enough to know that the children will come first and she will use the money wisely.

pixiedust2017 thanks for your explanation, I understand this all better now. Your friend must be really amazing, you're so lucky. The brother that I am trying to ensure doesn't become a guardian has controlling and coercive relationships with my whole family and now sadly with his wife and her family. I wonder if including this in my written reasoning would make a difference. To add context my DM manipulated by writing a will for me with him as legal guardian?! Suffice to say I never signed it. But as bourbonbiccy correctly observes, people do some weird stuff after the death of a relative. The best we can do for our children is forsee this stuff and protect.

You can’t control what will be best for your child if you both die to that degree.

You will not know now what circumstances anyone will be in should that awful situation arise in 2 or 5 or 7 or 10 years time. It is not fair to make stipulations about how the child is to stay at the same school etc. You may be ruining the lives of the best people to be your child’s parents after you by doing that. Not fair.

You need to pick the person you trust. Tell them your preferences and trust them to do what’s best in the circumstances of the time. This may even be that they don’t actually have your child live with them, but chose from options available the best for him. Maybe one of them will be fighting mental health issues, or become ill a month after your child is orphaned and require time consuming medication and treatment to save their life.

You cannot predict or control these things - but you can leave a legacy of crippling guilt, expense and entrapment with the people who loved you because they want to meet your stringent requirements out of that love.

Trust them and ask them to make the decisions which need to be made based on the circumstances of the time of your demise and the future from there. Let them know your preferences but let them know that you trust them to do what is best for everyone concerned at the time. You can’t micromanage after your death because you don’t know what is going on in each persons life. Things need flexibility.

And by all means tell them who you do not want caring for your child. That’s fair enough.

At the moment DS is 6 and our parents are still around, albeit in their 70s. So DS would go to them. There would be money and resources to pay for help.
Later we will revisit and the plan is to ask friends- they are local, have one child, a big house and parent as we do. We have been friends for more than 20 years, we have already run this by them in principle. I would suggest a very caring boarding school too.

I think boarding school is the worse idea for a recently bereaved child. Maybe some years along the line if it has to happen but not anywhere near the bereavement, especially if it wasn’t planned prior to any thought of the death of the parents.

The kids go to my parents. Although the youngest is now 13 so not so long to run.

Money into a trust - we had to set it up so it was okay for eldest severely disabled son (not at home) so it’s not straightforward. Friends are trustees. That is accompanied by a letter of wishes so they know how to spend it!

I don’t think you can easily put in restrictions, but you can write a letter of wishes so people know what is important to you.,

It wouldn’t be right to put in restrictions anyway really. People’s circumstances change in unforeseen ways & they need to be able to act in the best way for all the family as things unfold.

We have chosen dh's parents, with the money going into a trust to be managed by in-laws and my parents jointly. Both my dad and fil were accountants so very good with money. We've stipulated we want them to agree a monthly figure for dc's care and then any extras (e.g. Holidays, school trips etc) to be agreed jointly. We've made it clear we expect there to be a sizeable sum left when dc is 18 for university fees/house deposit

We chose dh's parents rather than mine as his parents are 15 years younger than mine and both retired, whereas my dad still works and parents are in their 70s

@Urbanbeetler yes I definitely think your right to try and micromanage would be particularly hard as you say, people circumstances change and to micromanage every aspect of your DC life still would be near on impossible , but I think the big things could maybe be worked around with the right people responsible.
I think for the reasons mentioned sudden illness, mental health issues etc with the guardian, this is why I would like him to stay in the uk where he would have a strong support network to help with these unforeseen circumstances.

It us just so difficult that is why I thought it would be interesting to check what other people had actually done and to what level they have stipulated things and how far they deemed it reasonable.
As I know myself , I would put this in action then see something and think oh I should have added that, or done it that way. I think my only real stipulation I can think of so far ,as I've mentioned, would be to stay in the country where the rest of his family is, but everyone is different and ii definitely know I would be asking the wrong people if they could not see this point.

But the world would be a very boring place if we all the thought the same, as long as all our guardians do that's the main thing and I appreciate hearing what everyone else is doing to check I try and cover everything,. I think it's just weighing so heavy on my mind due to recent events and getting my house in order so to speak.

Zzz apologies I totally understand then from that point why you have not answered if what you have put in place is not relevant in my question, and yes you definitely would be the wrong person to take on such a responsibility if you didn't agree with the specific request. I think that's why it is such a big deal, and needs lots of thought in finding the correct person who thinks the same and will carry out them wishes for you.

@shockedandsurprised that's a good idea to have a joint decision on funds being spent so it's not just one sole person.
It's sounds similar to a type of power of attorney we have set up for my Nan, where there are 2 designated people responsible for looking after her affairs and they both need to be in agreement if money over a certain value is to be spent .

Yes I think the people we have in mind would be fine with not emigrating until DS is of age as I don't think they would uproot their own kids anyway, but I would just like to be as sure as I can be that he couldn't be taken away from everything he knows.
But interested to hear some of the other points raised with what people have done or doing it will definitely gives me some points to think about

Sorry, yes we would choose someone else if they couldn't agree to keeping him close with his family. Yes we are the same , have lots of great loving family but only a select few who we would entrust the most precious thing in our lives too, ( I know a bit gushy but very true ). I know it sounds harsh as it our sons future and our family but it's almost like a pros and cons list for the select few we would trust, it's almost like you are vetting your own loved ones

It's not written down anywhere but my parents or my brother and SIL. DH has no contact with his family overseas. I should sort this stuff out really.