Imagine if you never had children

[Imagineif]

... I'm new to Mumsnet and the reason I'm here is this...

I have children but a great friend of mine found out a year ago she cannot have children. It's a long story and she's asked me not to go in to it here BUT what she is interested in knowing what we would all do with our lives if we didn't have children. I know this thread mightn't be for everyone but if you'd like to humour me and imagine a life without our little darlings, what might the advantages of that other life be? My friend agreed that this could serve to really cheer her up. She also said that if the suggestions are good, she's thinking of starting up a blog where she tries out each and every suggestion, no matter how crazy.

I'll start it...

If I didn't have children I would...

1. Wake up when I wake up at the weekend.
2. Browse clothing stores after work when the mood takes me.
3. Read an entire novel from start to finish in one sitting.

What a horrible, insensitive thread.

Yep. Like women not able to have children are a different fucking species. Are women with children the only people who are busy and have obligations?

You know, I was feeling a bit guilty after some of the negative responses to this thread.

Then I couldn’t stop thinking about them. This is a parenting board, on a forum for parents.

This is where I personally come for parenting advice. This is where I come to offload the stress of being a lone parent, and check the SEN boards for tips, and unwind with a cheeky fucker thread. Mumsnet has been a bloody godsend for me.

Yes, there are a lot of people out there with stressful lives, with no children.

Yes, I am aware there are a lot of non-parents on Mumsnet.

I wouldn’t want to alienate anyone with my comments. But if you find parents offloading about the stress of raising children and light-heartedly fantasising about free time on a parenting board to be really upsetting, I honestly cannot work out why you would be using the website?

When I was pregnant I could not imagine life with a baby, I was not maternal and thought it would be awful. Thankfully I love being a mum and can't imagine my life without him and wouldn't change a thing......HOWEVER, I would love to wake up naturally and have a lie in watching a bit of pointless TV. Also I miss "nipping", just nip to the shops, just nip to town, just nip...... I don't nip now as my DS is 11 months so I still have a bag of swag I need to take with us.
I hope your friend is ok and remind her, if she wants, she can have a child and be a parent without carrying, and delivering one xxx but I'm sure all this has already been discussed over and over with her xx

ProudThrilledHappy

Nailed it. Just nailed it.

Proud, it isn’t a website for parents exclusively.

There is a parenting ‘angle’, certainly. But many women here have experienced the heartbreak when their child doesn’t come home. When they have to bury them. When they are told by the doctor they have to terminate. When they spend thousands on IVF and are told ‘sorry, but.’

Now a thread about ‘if you could pack your kids off to granny for a day what would you do’ I would agree. But this isn’t a thread like that. It is celebrating not having children at all. It is making some wide and in some instances offensive assumptions about people without children and it is distasteful in the extreme.

continuallychargingmyphone I am well aware there are a lot of people on this website who have experienced loss of infertility.

However I honestly feel berating other parents for daring to consider what their lives would look like if they never had children is the kind of whataboutery that I am constantly seeing projected to people who dare to express themselves.

I never planned to have children. Ds was completely unplanned. I wouldn’t choose to change the life I have.

But I can’t travel, because ds finds change frightening. I can’t go out anywhere I want without worrying about childcare, because I can’t leave him alone and have minimal family support. I have taken a drop in pay and foregone career development in order to be there for him.

None of those comments are based on assumptions about anyone else’s circumstances.

So given the choice, would you have chosen not to have him?

That’s fine. But you did have a choice, which bereaved parents and infertile couples don’t have.

I don't know

I think I might have looked into fostering to be completely honest.

I might have tried living abroad for a few years

I know I could do both of those with children but I don't have the energy

continuallychargingmyphone I absolutely do not regret having my son, but my life would look vastly different if I hadn’t.
That is all that many of us are saying.

But you aren’t just saying that at all.

You are insensitively claiming that childless people get to do XYZ whilst ignoring the fact that they still have jobs, lives, financial restrictions and so on.

It’s an awful thread.

Foster

I wanted children for a very long time before I had my dd.
I was 36 when she was born via ivf with an anonymous sperm donor and I'm lucky enough that I have embryos in storage for future use.

However, due to the fact that before I conceived my daughter I had waited 15+years and suffered 2 miscarriages (in my early 20s) I had often imagined the what ifs and worst case scenarios, I can honestly say that hasn't eased with the arrival of my beautiful girl.

I have suffered terribly with o

what she is interested in knowing what we would all do with our lives if we didn't have children. I know this thread mightn't be for everyone but if you'd like to humour me and imagine a life without our little darlings, what might the advantages of that other life be?

I cannot see where the Op has asked posters to talk about what childless people do with their time and money?

I would have been much more adventurous with jobs, probably working abroad. I would have been out and about heaps more and done exciting dangerous activities.

Sorry posted too soon
I've suffered with post natal anxiety and the only consolation I could offer to someone childless is that at least you won't have the awful worry of something happening to your child.

The list is endless from them being born to growing up, in fact I imagine, is even worse with an older/adult child.

It really is the worst part of motherhood.

Still be in my career travelling, and earning £££

Unlike what I’m doing today. I’m not bitter at all 🍋🍋🍋

Honestly? I'd still be doing what I did pre-kids. Which is spending my weekends on the sofa binge watching Come Dine with Me and steadily eating my way through a massive bag of kettle crisps.

God I miss those days!

I'd be a lot calmer. My eldest ds is an emotional drain (I love him very much).

I'd stay up later than 9pm.

I'd eat out lots.

I'd do regular Pilates. Can't be arsed to find a class at the moment.

Whilst it is heartbreaking for anyone who is unable to have children ,if they want them ,and devastating to loose a child, this has been placed on the parenting section, asking what parents "miss" about their lives before children
The question is not about regretting having your children, nor do I think it is aimed to upset or alienate anyone. I think people need to keep perspective when commenting on his offensive and evil or cruel this question is

I'll tell you what I wouldn't be doing and that's sitting here with a worn out 4 year old old rubbing her back as she calms down from yet another of her massive tantrums. If I'd had known just how volatile kids could be I honestly would not have bothered.
I would go out in the evenings with friends for dinner without guilt, visit the theatre (because I would be able to afford it) take regular city breaks, get my nails done regularly and get a gym membership (because I'd be able to go). And I'd be able to leave the house, get in the car and just go! bliss.

My DH and I had to face the exact scenario in the OP.

It took us six years to conceive our children so naturally we spent quite a lot of time considering what we’d do if we can to the end of the road without conceiving.

Plan A was “have a baby”

But we spent a great detail of time working out Plan B in detail. We even started on some of it while going through IVF etc.

Our personal Plan B wasn’t about considering the disadvantages of being a parent at all. It was a whole different mindset involving our careers, hobbies, where and how we lived.

We started our discussion “if we were free to do anything - what would we do?”

As it happens some of our Plan B was so awesome that we’ve done it even though we were, in the end, fortunate enough to conceive our children.

We wouldn’t even have thought of embarking on some of the wonderful things we’ve done if we’d got pregnant straight off.

Although it doesn’t entirely balance all those years of heartbreak it’s not a bad start.

Being a parent is amazing and we’re incredibly grateful but it’s not the only way to live.

We used some resources online to help guide some of our thinking.

OP your friend might like to Google “More to Life Fertility Network” as a starting point.

I wish her all the very best.

I think this thread might get easier responses if it was in Chat, not Parenting - there are regular threads like this, and they can swerve into negative territory, just because of the way the question's framed. Asking mothers what they miss about their child-free life often pisses off mothers who feel they're being asked to find negatives about motherhood, and also pisses off infertile women who would swap any longhaul flight or Pilates class for a baby.

Your friend might get more positive responses if you ask childfree women who are happy with their lot (and there are a few on MN, because not all the boards are about baby led weaning) what they're glad they're able to do with time that would otherwise be taken up with childrearing. They're actually living that life, not imagining all the theatre trips and spa manicures that actually don't happen so often, because you still have to go to work, do the laundry, walk the dog, take the recycling to the tip, etc.

Swim many times a week
Sleep well
Read more books
Walk everywhere
Have a nicer body
Run a marathon (I can't after 3dc due to weak pelvic floor).

It's a long story and she's asked me not to go in to it here BUT what she is interested in knowing what we would all do with our lives if we didn't have children

Is there any reason your friend didn't join MN and post herself, rather than you OP?

She also said that if the suggestions are good, she's thinking of starting up a blog where she tries out each and every suggestion, no matter how crazy

Really? But the suggestions aren't likely to be 'crazy,' many are likely to err towards the enjoyably mundane.

I totally get that people muse about an alternative life without children, and there are lots of threads on MN about it over the years but this is a slightly odd thread.

I wouldn't swap my kids for the world but my life would be completely different if I didn't have them.
I would more than likely be in a high corporate job earning a lot more money, going to ffancy restaurants, staying in nice hotels. Travelling as much as possible. Have a nice big house......nice clothes.

It sounds devine. I given so much up to have them mainly in the sense of moreuchy finances. I work pt/term time only. I spend my weekends covered in slime. I've come to realise that happiness doesn't come fro money it comes from what you moreuchy are of life.

I'm sure your friend will find her way. It must be a terrible blow to find out you can't have children but I don't think it has to define you.

I'm sorry for your friend and delighted she's looking to find the positive angle in all this.

I was not planning on having children at all. I can't say it just happened because I know what caused it but it was a major shock to the system. Now, 10 years in I can't really remember what I was so scared about but I'm glad we didn't have children any earlier (we were fairly elderly first time parents) because we had a lot of travel and leisure time unencumbered by worry. It's not the money, it's the pressing sense of overwhelming love and responsibility.

But what I would do if I didn't have ours is to have sex in the afternoon at the weekend. That's the one thing I really miss - I'm so knackered at bedtime I can't be bothered.