MIL

[Zoe2411]

Please bare with me as it's a rambler but I feel I'm going insane ! ( apologies In advance )
Didn't have a great relationship with MIL but made sure for my partner we still saw his parents every 6 weeks ( we've been together 4 years and they live 2 hours away ) and pre baby would allow them to stay over or we would stay there , I tried especially hard when pregnant and things were abit better than ok if that makes sense .

Gave birth to DS Aug 2017 , remained in hospital for 10 days as he went down to neo natal . The day we came out of hospital , having told everyone we were having no visitors as it was our first night home as a family , they arrived . Ok , no probs , so made them welcome and I obviously let her hold DS for a couple hours , pottered about , I then went over to MIL and said pass him to me as I'm going to feed him and then you can have him back . She stared straight through me whilst I was stood over with my arms out and completely ignored me . I then said again by this point feeling uncomfortable , can I take him back to BF, she responded with ' no he isn't hungry ' . So I sat back down absolutely seething and in shock that this was actually happening and that she had refused to hand me my son back to which he started to suck his hand etc and then she sat with him for a further 10 minutes to the point he was crying and upset before saying ok and handing him back . OH had popped to the shop with his dad but by the time he got back my eyes had welled up and the atmosphere horrific . She then suggested they leave whilst I was feeding .
I have never and will never forgive her for that . To me she crossed a line you don't cross and I just can't get over it . Since then I have been apprehensive about her being near my son but have still seen them every 6 weeks but every time it's coming upto the day we see them , I am filled with dread , anger and hatred with the relationship seemingly escalating further with her odd behaviour . She won't be told not to kiss him on the mouth having been asked many of times not to and makes me feel so uncomfortable with how rude she is . She puts his whole hand in her mouth and demands he smile. She is so odd .
Me and OH don't disagree about anything really except for his parents and it's becoming a real issue for us . I feel that I don't want anymore children with OH because of his parents nor do I want to proceed with our wedding date . I have got to a point where I despise her so much and she equally dislikes me and has zero respect that mine and OH relationship is becoming affected .
I understand it's his parents but don't know where to go from here .
His attitude is just that , they are my parents .

I try and have always tried to be the bigger person hence why I still make the effort for OH and DS but his first birthday is coming up and we've organised a little party but I'm dreading it as in laws are going to be there and I just think that's wrong . I should be buzzing and excited to be celebrating our little boys 1st birthday but instead feeling that this is my life for the next 20 years for every party or event I throw for my little boy .
I sent her a message saying how much she had upset me to which she just said literally replied , sorry you felt that way ! Not actually sorry for doing that !

Anyone else with a similar story or advice ?
X

You have a Smotherer MIL by the sound of it.

DH is very much part of the problem, when his first duty should be to support you and understand you ought to be working as a team.

Are you in any kind of financial debt to them? Some PIL like to have a hold over DC but it almost always makes these relationships worse because of the coercion.

What sort of RL support do you have for yourself? I'm concerned how you are internalising your feelings and how chaotic it all seems for you.

Feb and Zoe I think you may both be in the same boat. Have a look at all the posts about this situation, there are plenty of links to self-help publications for MIL sufferers like yourselves.

So sorry this is happening to you when you are so vulnerable.

What I don’t understand is why you are putting time & effort into a relationship that you don’t want?! Stop organising the visits for a start off, just let them drift a bit. When OH says ‘when are we seeing MIL?’ reply ‘why don’t you ask her if she’s free the weekend after next’ or whenever suits you. Let your OH do the leg work - it’s his mum after all. Hopefully you’ll be able to get longer between visits that way.

Stop contacting MIL as much as you can, reply to her texts but don’t initiate them. The more you try to be ‘nice’ the more she’ll treat you as a pushover.

Totally feel for you in such a horrible situation. I would be feeling exactly the same as you and it is not acceptable for her to be doing those things. The relationship with my in-laws broke down a couple of years before baby arrived (both sets as DH parents divorced and both remarried). For me it is such a relief in some ways that I don’t have to worry about things like this as I know for certain DH’s Mum would do this exact type of thing she was always obsessed with when we were going to have a baby and always said she would look after it whilst I returned to work etc and the thought petrified me. They all came out the woodwork once they found out we were expecting but for me the damage had been done long ago and I didn’t want my son being brought up in a situation like it.

I understand the concerns about getting married as you don’t need any extra strains on a relationship having a baby is a big enough one as it is! In the beginning my DH didn’t always support me when his family did stuff and I got the full blame for the breakdown in the relationship. DH never had a great relationship with either parent from a very young age so it has been a lot easier to cut them out of our lives. They like to pop up every now and again and the stress of it is awful and I have been close to walking away many a time as for me the most important person now is my son. Just talk through with your partner again about all of your concerns and see what he says. If he can’t see any wrong in the behaviour or at least back you up in front of the parents then I would seriously consider the future and whether your prepared to be the person they all hate whilst partner can do no wrong!

We live with my parents and they have never overstepped the mark. The day we came home they were there for support but never once would they have never given him back to us when asked. Even now they will ask if they can pick him up etc.

Just talk to your partner or just slowly try and reduce the amount of contact you have. Come up with an excuse why you can’t see them on a planned day etc but just be prepared it will be you who takes the blame!

Sending hugs

She sounds a lot like my MIL. Mine also does the holding-on-to-the-baby thing and she also sucked my baby's hand. It makes me feel sick.

I can completely relate to the dread you feel before the visit. Also the anger you feel about the way she treated you when the baby was first born. It's such a vulnerable time for mothers, and it's so hard to find the confidence and strength to be assertive and maintain boundaries when people are being selfish and disrespectful. I also am finding it hard to forgive the way my MIL used that time to step over me in pursuit of her grandchild.

No advice, just wishing you luck.

Also @Kiwiinkits I hope you don't actually suck the hands of babies that don't belong to you. Most people agree it's inappropriate at best.

Haven’t read all the replies but wanted to add my story... my FIL is exactly the same. Refuses to give my DS back if he’s crying, very critical of how I care for DS, thinks he knows best about everything. I used to panic when we had to see them and would be so anxious. My moment of clarity came when I realised that what annoyed me most wasn’t his shitty actions and attitude but my reaction to him. I wanted everyone to be friendly so wasn’t putting my DS first. At their next visit, when DS cried with him, I didn’t ask for him back, I just took him. I didn’t speak to FIL when I took him, I just said to DS ‘oh, you want mummy now’. When FIL commented on the way I was doing something, I just said ‘well I’m doing it this way’ rather than trying to explain why I was doing something. I still don’t like seeing him but now I feel in control of the situation and know I’m puttjng DS first. I’m lucky in that my DH supports me but it wouldn’t matter if he didn’t. Because I’m doing things my way without asking their permission.
And yes, let your DH organise visits. I have nothing to do with that. I organise my own family, he organises his.
Good luck x

I really sympathise OP, it's awful what you MIL did to you at such a vulnerable time. Of course your protective instincts leapt out and it's no wonder they have never gone away. I can't add to the good advice you've already received, I just want to send hugs.

In my case, just before my baby was born my mother told my DB that she had a plan to take DS back to her home country with her (on the other side of the planet!) so I could go back to work. The idea, however fleeting or well meaning, made me feel sick to my stomach, and thankfully he talked her out of it. It's coloured my view of her ever since, and made me sensitive to the little ways in which she tries to assert herself around DS.

Hi Zoe
I have just joined Mumsnet to get some advice about MIL's because mine has driven me mad and I've put up with it for 10 months but I'm at breaking point and yours was the first post I read and really related to! That 'feeling' is awful and I've gotten some advice from this post too so Thankyou x