MIL

[Zoe2411]

Please bare with me as it's a rambler but I feel I'm going insane ! ( apologies In advance )
Didn't have a great relationship with MIL but made sure for my partner we still saw his parents every 6 weeks ( we've been together 4 years and they live 2 hours away ) and pre baby would allow them to stay over or we would stay there , I tried especially hard when pregnant and things were abit better than ok if that makes sense .

Gave birth to DS Aug 2017 , remained in hospital for 10 days as he went down to neo natal . The day we came out of hospital , having told everyone we were having no visitors as it was our first night home as a family , they arrived . Ok , no probs , so made them welcome and I obviously let her hold DS for a couple hours , pottered about , I then went over to MIL and said pass him to me as I'm going to feed him and then you can have him back . She stared straight through me whilst I was stood over with my arms out and completely ignored me . I then said again by this point feeling uncomfortable , can I take him back to BF, she responded with ' no he isn't hungry ' . So I sat back down absolutely seething and in shock that this was actually happening and that she had refused to hand me my son back to which he started to suck his hand etc and then she sat with him for a further 10 minutes to the point he was crying and upset before saying ok and handing him back . OH had popped to the shop with his dad but by the time he got back my eyes had welled up and the atmosphere horrific . She then suggested they leave whilst I was feeding .
I have never and will never forgive her for that . To me she crossed a line you don't cross and I just can't get over it . Since then I have been apprehensive about her being near my son but have still seen them every 6 weeks but every time it's coming upto the day we see them , I am filled with dread , anger and hatred with the relationship seemingly escalating further with her odd behaviour . She won't be told not to kiss him on the mouth having been asked many of times not to and makes me feel so uncomfortable with how rude she is . She puts his whole hand in her mouth and demands he smile. She is so odd .
Me and OH don't disagree about anything really except for his parents and it's becoming a real issue for us . I feel that I don't want anymore children with OH because of his parents nor do I want to proceed with our wedding date . I have got to a point where I despise her so much and she equally dislikes me and has zero respect that mine and OH relationship is becoming affected .
I understand it's his parents but don't know where to go from here .
His attitude is just that , they are my parents .

I try and have always tried to be the bigger person hence why I still make the effort for OH and DS but his first birthday is coming up and we've organised a little party but I'm dreading it as in laws are going to be there and I just think that's wrong . I should be buzzing and excited to be celebrating our little boys 1st birthday but instead feeling that this is my life for the next 20 years for every party or event I throw for my little boy .
I sent her a message saying how much she had upset me to which she just said literally replied , sorry you felt that way ! Not actually sorry for doing that !

Anyone else with a similar story or advice ?
X

Sorry you've had such a hard time OP! MILs can be a right pain. Whenever DP and I have a disagreement it doesn't matter whether I'm right or wrong she'll always take her sons side.

Just smile and wave! I'm sure they'll be other people at the party who'll distract you from her. Just focus on his first birthday and making it special for him

Haha I'm glad I'm not the only one that thinks my MIL is a pain !

Thank you heartstrings , I appreciate your message and kind words x

Are you the same OP that was on here earlier today complaining about MIL kissing the baby ds?

If it's really that bad you'll just gradually have to reduce the visits, won't you? If they live 2 hours away it shouldn't be too difficult.

As I said on the earlier thread though, she's family. The baby has a lot of her genes and obviously she loves him.

No singlenotsingle , that wasn't me . This is the first post I have ever made .

Thanks for your input though x

Ok sorry Zoe. It must be the time of year for batshit MILs!

You sound a little uptight but I think that's normal with first babies. Plus, I know this sounds odd to you but there's a lot of people who would like to kiss and snuggle and munch the little hands of a little baby. I'm one of them! Because babies are delicious. You'll probably be like that one day too... When your kids grow up you have a new appreciation for the magic of little babies. That's why Mils can get a little batshit over them.

I think if you ride out this period when your first baby is small and stay on polite terms with your MIL (however hard that may be) things will get better. They'll get better in two ways. One, you will mature and see things in a slightly less PFB way. Two, she will mature into her new role as grandmother and will back off with the baby batshitness.

I had a few barnies with my MIL when my kids were small - but we managed to ride it out and now respect each other. We don't really like each other but that's okay, respect is all that is needed in the MIL-DIL relationship.

Here's how it goes:

• First child's 1st birthday: lots of looking at Pinterest, planning, worrying, spending loads, thinking the whole world is looking at you and judging your mother skills.
• Second child's 1st birthday: making sure the toddler doesn't faceplant into the cake that you made at the last minute.
• Third child's 1st birthday: oh crap it's his birthday today. I'll rush out and buy a mudcake at the supermarket.

I like little babies too but putting their whole hand into my mouth - wtf! That’s just gross.

seriously I'd eat up a little baby hand if I could get away with it

She sounds odd and annoying, but nothing she's done is really awful IMO. Nothing that would justify going no contact or low contact. So for that reason I agree with your OH - you need to just get on with it really. I find my MIL very irritating too, but at the end of the day she is DH's mum. We see them for a weekend once every couple of months (they live a similar distance away to yours) and I my best to make it run smoothly.

Can you try and put what happened when he was a newborn behind you? I can see that she acted inappropriately, but honestly your reaction does seem a little OTT if it's making you not want to get married or have another baby. You're marrying him not his mother!

Honestly, many of us have annoying PILs. By letting her get to you so much you're only hurting yourself, eg by spoiling your son's first birthday and damaging your relationship with your OH. I'm not saying you have to like her, just to tolerate her for your OH's sake.

What makes you say I'm a little uptight ? Not defensive , just wondering as I appreciate your response x

I absolutely understand people like munching , kissing and cuddling babies as do I , my own . I would never dream of putting someone else's babies entire hand in my mouth ! That isn't her baby to do that with . I'm not saying I don't agree with her loving our son with affection but even my OH finds her behaviours odd.

Maybe that could happen go forward .

I don't need her to like me but respect is a must and neither IL's have any for me . Even my OH will see and hear how rude they are to me and unnecessary but he doesn't want to rock the boat with them so doesn't say a word and I would never be rude back to them as it's already at a horrible point and I'm just not like that . They are his parents and I respect that x

Cherubfish , I am absolutely trying my best . There is obviously much more to it but I'm trying to put forward the things that have actually bothered me and where it started than just listing a load of eye rolling things my MIL has done as I understand I'm joining thousands of women with that .

If I'm completely honest as ridiculous as it may seem to you I just can't forgive not giving me my baby back when asked . She had held our son longer than we had seems as we'd just got out of hospital and it wasn't like I had been reluctant for her to touch etc she had had him for almost 3 hours .

It's not just that one incident that is making me not want to get married etc
I completely understand that I'm marrying my partner and that's the only thing that should matter etc but personally I do believe marriage is bigger than that and you are to a degree joining a family . In law as well ! Lol
Which currently the relationship I have with In Laws and the problems it's causing with OH , I feel like i would rather be anything than part of there family . Perhaps your right , OTT but I can't help how I feel :/ x

I am tolerating her and it's me that organises we see them and not let it go beyond 6 weeks for my son and OH . I'm not being unreasonable or demanding I don't have to see her etc x

Sorry but if you asked for your baby back to feed then she should've handed him back straightaway. My MIL was like that and my husband put a stop to it.
As for the other things just try and ignore and get through the visit. Could you do a day out for baby's 1st birthday instead of a party so it's just you 3?

Op couldn't read and run. If you are uptight - then so am I. I completely get it- that 'feeling' when they are around or when you even think of them. You have to lay down the law with your DP- you and your baby are his family and have to be his first priority. If he's not prepared to stand up for you- even with the seemingly small things then be careful about marrying him. The one thing I have learnt over the years though is that you are your baby's mum & what you say goes. Don't be afraid of being assertive- otherwise you will just seethe. Hugs 🌸

We had a day out as a family for DS's first birthday, specially so MIL couldn't come and ruin it. It was a shame as I'd have liked to invite my family and our lovely neighbours to a little party but my MIL lives dangerously close - think yourself lucky on that score at least OP!

I don't think you are uptight, I was uncomfortable if anyone held my baby for too long, it reminded me of hospital where they took him away after just a few hours and then wouldn't let me hold him for days while he was in SCBU, it does make you a bit more anxious IMO.

Onynx - I honestly have just cried my eyes out . I can't thank you enough just for helping me to let it out ! Your reply hit a nerve and from what you've said I know you know how I'm feeling . Because your right , it's that ' feeling ' and just the thought of seeing them fills me with dread but I feel like that every 6 weeks and I'm a little tired of it and my OH is bored of hearing how anxious I am whenever it comes around . I have never and will never slag his parents off as no one would want to hear that nor would I name call as that's not me but I'm just so on edge but careful to show them respect because of my partner and because I don't want to get to ' crunch point ' as I would never want little one away for weekends etc just yet , he is only 11 months old so wouldn't appreciate just letting him go off with DP but I'm at seething point and I hate it . It's not me and I have never felt this way about anybody to be honest ! I have friends of all ages and have worked in customer facing roles for 15 years and got along with pretty much everyone so I know I can't just be the issue .
I am not the only person who hasn't got along with his parents , partners ex wife and partners since he was 22 ( he's now 39) have never gotten on with his mom and dad yet he seems to have outbursts like it's my fault and that I just need to drop whatever I have against his mom . I had nothing against her until she wouldn't hand my son back but I'm unreasonable ( eye roll ) 🙈 x
Thank you Onynx for your reply - I can't even explain how grateful I am ! X

Bananarama12 that's a fantastic idea and not something I had considered but then I get the guilt trip from partner about how upset his mom is that she wasn't invited etc x

I am glad though my MIL isn't the only one from what you've said and that your DP had to have a word lol - sorry but I do seek comfort in this :) xx

Thanks for your input x

Spectacularaardvark , this is a great option to suggest instead and it sounds much more relaxed than trying to please everyone and feeling uncomfortable!
It's just a shame that you felt you couldn't have a little get together because of your MIL but atleast I know I am not alone and that there is others x
I must admit that's what gets me through , I just think right , it's every 6 weeks and she doesn't live around the corner - imagine ! So completely agree with you and am grateful for this atleast x

I think that's what annoys me soooo much , is that I had no problems with people or even her holding him even given the fact he was poorly and stayed in ICU and then Neonates for the 10 days . But then after she did what she did , I felt uncomfortable and on edge every time someone held him after in fear they would do the same as her and not hand him back . I even felt abit dubious with my own parents then which I felt awful about as they had done nothing wrong etc It worked itself out and I got ok with family and friends holding him etc but just not MIL x
I think her desperation for him to love her is what also makes me uncomfortable ! I have to say to her , he is only 11 months old as She will demand him to stay with her or will try and force him to smile ( but not in a cute let me see you smile way but in a incessant pushy way ) x

My baby was in SCBU for 2 weeks If someone had put my baby's hand in their mouth I'd have grabbed baby and washed their hand and told them never to do it again.

You need to find lots of ways to say no, with a smile, without it sounding too confrontational.

Have a google for assertiveness, probably better than my suggestions.

'That's not your decision to make, I'm his mother'

'The doctor has said we must not' followed by whatever you don't like her doing.

My mil is an absolute nightmare. She has said my daughter doesn’t like me and that I can’t calm her down etc. I buy the wrong nappies, I hold her wrong her wrong bathing every other day instead of every day is “disgusting”. According to duh none of this is meant nastily and I’m too sensitive. I avoid her like the plague for obvious reasons, so now I get you don’t want to know her and even that I’m ungrateful for her help (he said that yesterday). Only she has never helped and has just consistently undermined me. I don’t have my own parents I grew up in foster and children’s homes. Which makes it all even worse IMO. She’s seems to think her attitude is fine but I won’t be spoken to like that, if he is to be believed she is so insensitive as to not even have an inkling that she talks to me like crap. I honestly don’t know what is wrong with these women. I don’t know what to suggest to you, it’s so hard.

BlankTimes , thank you x

I think googling assertiveness would be a good start lol I'm trying to find the balance of being able to say what I want / no don't do this to son etc without going on the emotion and ripping someone's face off 🙈 x

We are also the same. No real issues except for his mother. He actually said yesterday I am always on your side I love you but then doesn’t actually back it up with anything usual. And I do see it as all being down to her, with her trying to take over and try to make decisions that are a parents responsibility like telling me she is taking my non walking child to Clark’s to get shoes (she didn’t get very far) but it says a lot for her respect for me as a parent to walk into my house and tell me this. Dh sees this as “nothing wrong with a granny spoiling her grandchild” despite me repeatedly telling her DD isn’t having shoes until she can actually walk.

I have similar feelings about my MIL. When I had my DD, literally within the first 2 weeks, my MIL told me that she wanted to steal babies when she was younger. She constantly watched me and I could tell that all she wanted to do was take my DD and 'do a better job'. I dreaded her coming round and I become overly protective of DD, to the point where I didn't want anyone touching her. When we used to take DD for a walk, I used to put a muslin over the pushchair so she could sleep, my MIL would then lift this up every few seconds saying "she isn't asleep yet, I don't think she is tired"!.
We went to a supermarket and when my back was turned MIL took the pushchair to a different aisle without asking, I have never panicked so much.
At my DD's christening, she was holding her and I asked for DD so I could show her to some friends. MIL tutted at me and hesitated. Freaking furious.
She basically damaged the relationship and now I don't want her around more than necessary especially as I am now pregnant with my 2nd. My DH thinks I over react but frankly I think he is lucky that I see his batshit crazy mother at all. Another thing is that MIL buys horrendous shoes and girly clothes for DD which I hate but every time I try and tell MIL this, she ignores me.
I understand completely how you feel and in the first few months its hard to set boundaries and fight back when you feel so vunerable and tired. I persoanlly feel my MIl took advantage of me when I was at a low point and I cannot forgive her for it. You need to ask DH for more support with this and I wish you the best of luck!
Its your baby and so trust your own instincts. Sorry for the rant :-)

Can totally relate with the clothes ect ^

All I can conclude is that mil has a thing for toilet roll covers

I told her it’s not my taste ect, and this mostly when baby was newborn and I dressed her in baby grows - apparently this is wrong as they are pjs. It’s never ending.

Will add my story then read rest of comments! Have a new baby so not the best at reading lots! MIL first got annoyed we didn't let her tell her friends we were pregnant at 6 weeks, we told everyone at 16 weeks because I was really ill with hypermesis and every week she asked even though she knew was 16 weeks, even saying wed ruined her friendships as she had to lie... Surely I lied more to my friends but no no it was a horrible time for her. She let herself in and sat at the edge of my bed while I threw up, she caused me to have a panic attack and two midwives told me to leave and go live with mum after witnessing her! She came round every day when baby was born and we were home. She invited her neighbour round and passed my son to her at a few days old without asking. We met at pub and bumped into all her friends who weirdly knew the time and restaurant we were at and she gave them all my newborn without asking. She never believes baby is hungry. She will put wet nappies on her face when I change him to make sure they are wet as she doesn't believe me. Have to see them once a week even when I've been really ill, if we don't go she let's herself in my house. She calls my husband if I don't reply to her texts, when I said I needed a break from her at 9 months preggo after some outbursts she cried in bed for 4 days till I had to see her. I heard her talking about me and received the apology 'sorry if you heard me talking about you'. I cry nearly the whole day before we see them! She also calls herself mummy as she was a mum for 50 years before me... Never heard her say mummy in the 10 years have known her before I had a baby and my mum doesn't insist on being mummy...