Am I doing this mummy thing right?

[Catheroooo]

Hi.

I'm the mummy of a very much wanted nearly 7 month old baby girl.

From birth everyone has commented on how alert she is. She's basically wide awake and is interested in everything. An ant could fart in the garden and she would clock it.

From birth she's never been a brill feeder. She's bf but has always snacked, all through the day and sometimes night too. Never had an every 3 hour long feed, I have tried not to mind.. I believe in bfing for comfort not just food.

She was and is a slim baby. Born on 50th percentile. At 8 weeks dropped to the 25th which panicked me. We were told she had a mild tongue tie at birth But didn't do anything about it, but the slow weight gain prompted me to get it cut. Just after this she started waking every hour at night to feed. But she went back up to 50th percentile.

From birth I could never put her down to sleep. Held for naps, slept next to me at night. I was genuinely going bonkers from sleep deprivation after 6 weeks of hourly wake ups, and then she started looking knackered. She no longer slept well on me so with a heavy heart we sleep trained in order to settle her in her own room. Because of her alertness we tried shush pat etc but it just stimulated her more. So we resorted to controlled crying. After 30 mins of checking she rolled on her front and went to sleep. That night she woke a few times but settled quickly. My goal was not for her to sleep through the night but just to sleep independently. She slept through and it panicked me as she is slim so I want to still feed her at night due to her snacking ways in the day. Over the next 2 weeks she slept well on her front and woke for 2 feeds. She also napped fairly well. After 2 weeks things got worse. She either cries on being put to bed or goes straight down then wakes after 45 minutes crying, that's even when we,he had a good day of naps so it's not overtiredness. She frequently doesn't feed for v long (few mins of coming off and on boob) before bed so what with her crying I felt perhaps she was hungry. So I would go back up to feed her if I felt the controlled crying wasn't working. Generally she would suck a bit, be put down then sleep until 1-2am. This has been going on for around 4 weeks and I can't bare bedtime. I dread the crying and not knowing how she will settle. I feel like I'm torturing her going through this crying when I know I'll go back to feed. But I try so hard to get her to feed properly before bed. Quiet room, sing to her to focus her rather than be distracted by a noise. My confidence in her feeding has gone so I worry she is crying due to hunger. My partner says it's because she wants to sleep but can't. But given we had a good few weeks first of all I know she can self soothe and she still does it for daytime naps so I do worry it's hunger.

She's also started to wake around 11-12 pm where it had been 1-2. If it's early then she tends to wake up a further 2 times and I feel we are creeping back to frequent wake ups. But as it's been so hot I worry she is thirsty so I feed rather than sleep train. She's also gone back down to the 25th percentile only putting on 140g in 4 weeks.

She's also alight sleeper so I can't have the window even ajar when its hot as the road noise wakes her, then I feel cruel for making her cry again as it's not her fault she's awake. I do run a fan though.

She also NEVER sleeps in the car longer than 30 mins even if it's naptime. I can get her sleeping 1.5 hours in her cot. In her pushchair she won't go at all! I think its because she hates being confined and wants to sleep on her tummy. So I'm feeling housebound. We try a travel cot if we go to family for the day but she's mostly unsettled and rarely sleeps long. Then I feel awful as she's tired and cranky and it feels selfish to put her through that knowing she would settle at home.

My anxiety is through the roof. I'm going through CBT for it. My main worries are her weight, the fact that controlled crying is still happening 6 weeks in when I thought it took 3 nights... But I don't want her to sleep through until she feels ready, but equally I can't go back to bedsharing and hourly wake ups. She sleeps on her front so I worry she will stop breathing. We have a monitor but it has gone off a few times although I think them false alarms as I can see her tummy moving up and down. She's a light sleeper despite sleep training, could this be because she is not settled or feels secure enough yet to deeply sleep ? I can't even open her door to check on her without her waking. The fact we can't really leave the house for long due to her not being able to sleep on the go. I see mums taking their 5 month old to the grand prix today or on long plane journeys and there is no way she would be happy doing that!

I just need someone who has been through similar to say it will be ok please! I know people have it harder but I just feel like all aspects of being a mummy is hard and I don't see how it gets better. I just feel I should be making her happy, secure and settled but it feels like she isn't. Sge does look happy although sges a fairky serious baby! She seems to meet her milestones so tgats goid but im just a worrier. Thank you.

Shoukd also add there is no routine, wakes up anytime between 6-7, and I just watch for sleep cues for naps. Because they're aren't reliably of any length, can be 30 mins can be 1.5 hours I can't plan the day. Sometimes 2 naps a day if bad napping I'll try for a third. We get her to bed by 7pm.

Sorry a bit more! I'm going back to work when she's 10 months so worry how she'll be there. I can't express at all so worried about that, and if she'll sleep with other babies or noise etc. Whilst I don't feed her to sleep, she does get drowsy as I feed just before putting her down and obviously at nursery they can't do that. I would stay home with her until I felt she was ready but financially it's not possible.

I've been through similar, but not identical issues with my DS who is now 13mths old. He used to wake hourly etc when little for night feeds, however we never had bf sorted (he had a full tongue tie which was snipped when he was 1 day old and has since apparently partially grown back). He had weight gain issues for the first 3mths of his life - he'd gain 1-3oz a week but gradually dropped further and further from the bottom centile. He eventually self weaned onto ff (we were doing top ups after each bf and he started just refusing the breast and gulping the bottle). He's now a chunk of a toddler on the 75th centile who has slept through pretty much since 4 months old.

Things I learned during my hellish 3mths - he had silent reflux which meant he would often wake when put down to sleep. Have a google and see if this sounds like your DD?
The 45min wakings also sounds like your DD just isn't yet able to link sleep cycles. They have a 4mth sleep regression where I think this problem kicks in so it's all about helping them to self settle. If you have to help them settle at bedtime, they'll need similar help between sleep cycles.

I understand your temptation to assume DD is hungry when she wakes, but as she's previously slept through, I'd guess her waking is more linked to the heat or her inability to link sleep cycles. They say it only takes 3-4 days for a habit to form in a baby, so I'd guess she may have got used to waking and being fed? Perhaps have a look at weaning from night feeds to help?

I know it's not unusual for babies to drop a centile when they become more active - I know you've mentioned she's rolling, is she near to crawling too perhaps? These developmental leaps can also affect sleep.

My DS also used to sleep in his pram but now will only sleep in his cot (he hates being strapped in and loves to lie on his front) which does make life difficult.

I've found there's no straight forward answer to anything baby related, but my favourite phrases thrown around by me and my mum friends are "it's a phase, it'll be fine, just push through it". All of the above stuff is just what me and my friends have learned by going through it all together at the same time and being able to compare notes. None of us knew any of this before. Not helpful advice, but at least understanding its not something you've done, just the challenges of raising a baby, may be enough to hopefully help.

My DS naps are unpredictable too. We are down to one a day but can be between 40min - 3hrs! His waking time is between 5-6.30am and sleeps at 7.30pm.

I noticed you mention to pretty much feed DS to sleep. Try to do the feed before eg, bath, as they can become reliant on the feeding to get to sleep.

As for nursery, I'm just going through that now. DS didn't sleep the first half day he was there so had a meltdown at home followed by a 2.5hr nap. The next half day he fell asleep there. I think they will get used to nursery etc gradually so you can always start DD a month before you return to work to do some half days and then full days so you know she's settled into the nursery routine before you're back at work.

It's been a long time since my two were babies so I shall not try and give outdated advice on feeds.
I do wonder is DD drooling more than usual? At her age some babies cut their first teeth. (Bottom middle teeth). That could explain some crankiness.

I mean this kindly, please don't feel trapped at home, the worst thing for you is to get low because you feel increasingly you're house-bound. A change of scene is good for everybody.

Keep DD’s bedroom cool during the daytime by closing the blind or curtains.
Acool bathbefore bedtime might help.
Using a fan to circulate the air in the bedroom is a good idea as long as the fan doesn’t point towards her.

She sounds bright as a button. Your confidence has taken a wobble but you are doing just fine, we are all newbies at first, sometimes not all the answers occur to us straight away.

I had similar issues with my DS.

It got much better at 11 months when he dropped to only one nap, plus it got better still when he was 2 and started treatment for asthma. Is there any asthma in either side of your daughter's family?

Thank you. Sounds like you had he'll and are hopefully enjoying more settled times?

She was pretty sicky from birth and I pushed for reflux to be diagnosed but gaviscon made no difference to the sick and just made me more anxious as it's a nightmare to give when bfing! We tried ranitidine but no difference. She never seemed in pain and it was more colic and being a sicky baby. She's not nearly as sick now but I worry it's due to her not eating much. That said we get dirty nappies frequently. She's not a heavy wetter but think she does wee enough.

It's so hard isn't it! I hate feeling jealous of 'easy babies' seeing mums pushing sleeping babies around shops or at fairs etc when I have to plan military style any outing so I can be back for a nap. Or keep her awake whilst driving back as I know it'll be a cat nap in the car and grumpy baby later or a likely more solid nap at home! That said my partner says never assume they are easy babies and he's right... they may be dying to have a cot napping baby and are fed up walking the streets.

She is trying to crawl at the moment so that's true, I then feel guilty for CC when all I want to do is cuddle her when she wakes but know she will fall asleep then we are back to square one. I feel like on top of her developmental stuff she's then coping with sleep training! All that and she's 6 months old! But again I don't see any other way.

It's just good to hear other similar babies and that there is light!

OP - dairy intolerance can also show itself in a similar way to reflux so you could always chat to your HV or GP about that. My DS had dairy intolerance but that showed itself by 10-12 poos a day rather than refluxy symptoms.

And yes to the keeping them awake in the car - I drive along randomly shouting/making odd noises to keep DS awake so he doesn't do a 10min nap in the car, as that would then be it for the day (and hell for me). And believe it or not, my friends class my DS as the "easy baby" 😱. They each come with their own challenges. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Both my sons have been just like yours and improved dramatically around 18 months. With the first I worried about everything, with the second I was so much more chilled out and coslept until he was 14 months or so to make life easier. They both got there in the end at similar ages despite parenting them slightly differently. Sounds like you're doing a great job but don't worry and be kind to yourself x

Sorry just re-read cosleeping wasn't working for you.

I am not a fan of controlled crying

... but I thought it was not recommended until a year old.

I think it is a year now, although the HV advised it at 6mo when I had my boys not that long ago. I do regret trying it with my eldest, and didn't do it with my second at all as I personally felt it wasn't right for me. Their sleep both improved once they were weaned and older regardless.

Thanks for your replies. I so didnt want to CC but as I said other gentler methods stimulated her more... when I told my HV about what was happening she recommended CC. She said it wasn't recommended until 6 months. I was honestly close to breaking point at the time and the only thing that made it vaguely acceptable in my head was that if we carried on as we were I was not going to be any sort of mummy to her. She is sleeping better and doesn't look anywhere near as tired as she did when sleeping on and with me, but I'm at a loss as to how to handle wake ups in the night when I'm not sure it isn't hunger, teething, heat or something else rather than just a plain wake up. I'd hate to think we were sleep training when there's a definite comfort need. I guess as a first time mum it's a learning curve but I just hate my learning at her expense!

Completely understand where you are coming from. You just feel desperate. I've been there. You know your baby best and it sounds like things are starting to improve! Maybe don't worry about feeding at wake ups until the weather is cooler, then reduce feeds then? It will get so much easier soon, take care x

Thank you. A good plan x

My DD is 8 months. I’d class her as an easy baby. She’s my second though, so I’m probably more relaxed in general.

Fortunately we never had reflux, but her sleep is not consistent. She can sleep through 12 hours, she also can wake up every 2 hours. At this age there’s a lot going on. Sitting up, crawling, teeth, the heat? It all disrupts their sleep. At 7 months I assume you’ve started weaning, so that can also throw them off a bit. Sometimes I think DD eats so much solid food if it’s something she likes that she doesn’t have space for her milk and then wakes up hungry in the night. Who knows?

With my eldest my life revolved around his naps and he went down like a dream in the cot. Out and about it was 30 min nap. I was kind of jealous of those people out with sleeping babies, but then my friend said she was jealous of me being able to put him to bed, walk out the room and go and do my own thing for an hour or 2, whereas she had to walk round, often in the rain. So you don’t know! I think it got easier for me when he was down to one long nap a day and I just planned my day round that. DD is currently similar although as she’s the second child she has less choice as we can’t stay home all day so she can nap. I just try and make the best of it. Let her nap for 30min in the buggy or the car on a morning out and a proper nap that afternoon at home. Maybe try a set nap routine? We do roughly the 2,3,4 routine and just accept that some days she’ll have crap naps and will need an early bedtime to make up for it

My goodness, this could have been my post six years ago! I too had a baby that was always alert and awake, never slept in her pushchair/car seat or anywhere except the cot. And she was such a light sleeper, and a shocker to settle too. I remember feeling so jealous when I saw chilled parents out for a whole day, whereas missing a nap would leave DD in tears through tiredness, but still refusing to go to sleep. I too was so so tired.

Babies are all so different. Your little girl is bright and alert and obviously loves being near you, so you've done a great job. My DD is still a light sleeper but does sleep. White noise was a godsend for us (you can buy it from iTunes and play it through a speaker). DD was born on the 90th percentile and also dropped to the 25th. She's fine - a wee bit shorter than average but a strong little girl. Interestingly, my Indian friend was always horrified at our obsession with sleep training. They got into their own beds in the evening, and by morning they are usually in one bed together. Just do what you need to do to get through this time x

Thank you. Sounds like you had a tough time!
The fan is doubling up as white noise at the mo but when it cools we'll set up a speaker.

We've just been through 45 minutes of screaming and she's down I feel terrible but not sure what else to do. Picking her up and cuddling her to sleep means she then wakes up after 45 minutes which will happen all night leaving us both knackered. At least now she should get a solid few hours. Weirdly when I feed and put her down in the night she falls asleep so peacefully. In the day for naoa, just yesterday I popped her down awJe, she had a lovely chatter to herself and blew bubbles, then had a wiggle to find her spot and fell asleep. It was beautiful.

I try and make bedtime lovely with a bath, feed with a song and story. She's calm but then after I leave the room it falls apart!

How long did it take for your baby to get settled?

My DD, who is now 6, sounds very much like your DD, including the dropping a centile. At the time that was very stressful and looking back I don’t think the HV handled it sensibly. She was a healthy, alert baby and a bit of common sense and monitoring rather than scaremongering about weight loss (even though she never actually lost weight, just didn’t put on the “correct”amount) would have been more responsible. When DD started solids at 6months she really became disinterested in breast feeding. She loved food and the “food is for fun until they’re one” message really didn’t apply to her - she wanted to eat!

Things that helped us:

Having a comforter (which she still uses at night!) to help her self settle.

No more night feeds - once she was on solids I decided to night wean and this helped to break the feed/sleep cycle

Self settling in her cot for naps and night sleep. I helped with this initially with rocking and shushing which I phased out. Worked much better when I just popped her in her cot and walked out of the room.

Watching her like a hawk and putting her down for naps at the very first hint of tiredness. For DD her sleep cues were very subtle - a little eye rub usually showed me. She feel asleep much better if she wasn’t even a little overtired. DD still goes hyper, talking non stop, if she’s overtired, instead of looking and behaving as you would expect a sleepy child to.

I also found a chart which showed the average awake times by age which helped when I should be looking fo sleep signs.

White noise - we found a machine that kicks in if they wriggle about a bit, better than the Euan thing I think.

Having a clear nap and bedtime routine - milk and story before nap and I’d sing a particular song while I carried her upstairs and then dinner, bath, story and milk then I’d carry her upstairs for bed - no feeds in her room so there was a clear gap between feeding her downstairs and putting her in her cot.

Above all - this will pass. Your DD will go to sleep herself. You won’t feel like this forever. Your doing a great job, as much as there is advice and best practice you know your daughter best. No one could love her or think about her as much as you do - you will make the right decisions for her. Don’t be hard on yourself.

Also, getting her to self settle took much longer than the 3 nights other people talk about (it took 3 nights of me not feeding DS at night for him to sleep through and he cried once, totally different child!)

Also, 45 minutes is a sleep cycle for a baby. Once the waking at 45 minutes was broken things got a lot better. The white noise and comforter helper here.

I had a child who never slept she had eczema just little patches but she suffered from itchy skin I think. Once I stopped bathing her everyday we saw an improvement in her sleeping. I found bathing her in the morning 3 times a week was better for bedtime. She wouldn't go to sleep on her own in the room So I used to lie on the bed playing in my phone (mumsnetting) while she settled to sleep. I rarely had to do anything it was just the comfort of me being there that helped. She was usually asleep in about 15 mins. We had lots of waking in the night but I didn't feed her after about 8 months old but did offer a bottle of water. Sometimes they are thirsty rather than hungry. Especially in this hot weather. The other thing that worked for me was giving her plenty of warning that bedtime was coming. I would change her for bed, read a book and feed her downstairs. Then carry her up to bed. For some reason this worked better than doing it all upstairs?

This could have been written about my ten month old so I can totally sympathise. My little boy is allergic to dairy so once I cut that out he was happier but it didn't affect his sleep.

Although it was totally against everything I'd read and advice I'd been given, I found really loud cheerful nursery rhymes helped him settle in bed. From birth he was really alert and got very over stimulated so I hadn't thought to try singing as I figured it would over stimulate him but it seems to do the opposite. It's almost as if it gives him something to focus on so he can allow himself to feel sleepy. He's still up a few times overnight to feed, but it's miles better than up every hour to scream at me!

Honestly, there isn’t a magic bullet. Nightweaning works for some - it made absolutely no difference for us, controlled crying works for some, it doesn’t seem to be working for you. The only thing that has helped us is time, DS is now 21 months, I’ve been back at work since he was 9 months. I weaned him off nighttime breastfeeds at a year and then started alternating nights with DH - he’s always woken at least a couple of times a night and we’ve gradually give from the path of least resistance, feeding back to sleep, then cuddling back to sleep, to co-sleeping to being a bit firmer about staying in the cot and now finally only having water not a sippy cup of milk and we still have good night and bad nights but on average they are better - it’s just not linear. There is so much going on in their little heads all you can do is what works best for you as a family.

Thanks so much for replying everyone. It's so reassuring when you speak to others with similar experiences.

White noise (a fan), and a comforter are big hits here!

I am on the lookout for signs of allergies. Dad was allergic (proper projectile style everywhere not just intolerant) as a baby, still gets a bit funny with too much. He's also allergic to fish and suffers hayfever and dust allergies. So far she's had egg and milk in cereal but seems ok. We've started BLW so not sure how much she's getting as only 3 weeks in and she's still looking perplexed by the whole thing but is giving it a go. Not sure she'll truly get it for a while so we'll see. Sounds like your little one loves food!

Yesterday I started feeding downstairs before her naps and putting her down after 2 or so hours rather than wait for signs . Like you I think by that time she might be overtired. It seemed to work and we got three good naps of an hour, 2 hours and a 30 min cat nap late afternoon. Bed was significantly better and no crying. Just wriggled to get comfy then settled! I'm sure it'll all change again soon enough but a much less stressful day yesterday. I made a real point of spend ing lots of time with her too. Not that I don't normally but it's easy to leave her in the bouncer for a few minutes whilst you some washing etc. I think that helped too as there's separation anxiety going on.

I can't wait to see who she turns into when older, she's certainly got something about her! I'm such a planner and guess I assumed all babies breastfed and slept routinely, wherever! Gosh how wrong I was and guess my little girl is teaching me to relax and go with it rather than trying to figure out what the next thing will be.

Really appreciate your help. I'm going to come back here in a few years to update my post as I spent weeks trawling through other's posts from years ago and always wished they would tell you how it worked out for the