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Original poster

Assaulted at my in laws

41 replies

Scotgirl80 · 07/07/2018 23:06

My SIL has been mentally unstable for a very long time. She lives with her parents so whenever we visit the in laws she is there too. We have to stay with the in laws when we visit as we live far away from them and we cannot afford to stay in a hotel.

This evening my SIL physically attacked me for no reason. I had to leave the house in the middle of the night as she was calling me every name under the sun and my husband said it was best to leave for my own safety. I totally understand that my SIL probably didn’t grasp the seriousness of her actions due to her illness but my MIL is refusing to accept that her daughter attacked me and basically said I was lying. Luckily my husband witnessed the attack but she still won’t believe it. My MIL witnessed her daughter shouting, swearing and screaming at me but she still says her daughter would never attack me. This is the second time her daughter has attacked me, the first time she threw an object at me (whilst I was holding my son) but thankfully it missed so we were not hurt. I was sure my MIL saw it but she never said anything so I presumed she didn’t see so I didn’t say anything. The issue I now have is I have a small child who I always felt uncomfortable being around my SIL. I’m now refusing point blank to let my SIL near my son as she clearly is very unpredictable. The issue I have is I still want my son to have a relationship with my my MIL and FIL (he is their only grandchild) but I just can’t trust them anymore. My MIL keeps saying my SIL would never do anything to my son but she also is insisting her daughter would never do anything to me either when she has twice. It feels so wrong to say my son and I will no longer go to their house as long as my SIL is there but I feel like I have no other choice. My husband totally understands and is backing my decision but I just feel so bad for them not being able to build a relationship with their only grandchild. I have said to them they are more than welcome to see my son at my house without my SIL however they can’t leave SIL with anyone and my in laws are old and can't travel far. I feel so crap right now but at the same time my gut is telling me I have to protect my son and not let my SIL be around him. What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
Whisky2014 · 07/07/2018 23:08

Id not be going round with my son.

rogueone · 07/07/2018 23:11

Your doing the right thing. They are not taking seriously your SiL illness and her behaviours towards you. There minimising and disbelief at her aggression towards you would be enough for me not to have any of my DC around her or them. What’s sad is that she sounds like she has mental health issues and could do with being reviewed by a mental health team who could help. However if there all ignoring it this will continue.

ineedaholidaynow · 07/07/2018 23:13

If your in laws are elderly who is going to end up looking after SIL when they no longer can?

I wouldn't take your son there either.

Hidingtonothing · 07/07/2018 23:15

It is sad OP but if you/they can't guarantee your DC's safety around SIL then you really have no choice but to stop going. If PIL's were on board and not in denial then you may have a chance of negotiating something which would work but that's not the case so DS's safety (and yours for that matter) has to come first. Hope you're ok Flowers

Iloveacurry · 07/07/2018 23:16

I wouldn’t allow my child to go there, nor would I visit either.

On another note, what will happen to your SIL if something happened to your PIL, if they can’t leave her?

FarFlungFairy · 07/07/2018 23:19

Well your MIL is accusing you of lying do I wouldn’t lose too much sleep over it to be honest. Stuck to your guns and don’t feel badly you’re doing the right thing.

SandAndSea · 07/07/2018 23:23

Your PILs have made their choices which have obvious consequences.
You need to protect your child.

Zioanna · 07/07/2018 23:44

Not a chance I’d be going back there again. You said you had to leave - did your husband leave with you?

FranticallyPeaceful · 08/07/2018 10:32

Wouldn’t go back for all the tea in China. Stay away imo

badg3r · 08/07/2018 10:35

You are doing the right thing. Your priority is your son.

Gingernaut · 08/07/2018 10:41

YANBU.

You don't state what the MH issues are but does she have an official diagnosis?

Are the PILs in denial of her 'issues'?

Do they believe that diagnosis meams some sort of stigma?

Or, is she some sort of 'golden child', while your husband has been second best?

These violent incidents mean that you will probably never be able to leave your child there, even if your husband is present.

Mrsramsayscat · 08/07/2018 15:35

I wouldn't go, either. A hotel and meet our seems the only option, unless they can arrange respite for her and come to you.
I imagine they are either in denial or that they foresaw the consequences.

SnuggyBuggy · 08/07/2018 15:40

I wonder if you should involve social services, you elderly in laws sound pretty vulnerable.

Sarahjconnor · 08/07/2018 15:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertrandRussell · 08/07/2018 16:03

Apart from anything else, your dp needs to have a serious talk with his parents about his sister and her care. Is she getting the treatment she needs? Are they getting the support they need? What happens when they die? Don't take your baby there until they accept there's an issue and have a plan in place. If they are in denial that might actually be the wake up call they need.

Strawberry2017 · 08/07/2018 16:10

The fact you are being called a liar would be enough for me, if they actually took it seriously I might be more sympathetic to them but to refuse to admit it happened I think it's safer for you all to stay away! X

CuriousaboutSamphire · 08/07/2018 16:15

I just feel so bad for them not being able to build a relationship with their only grandchild That is down to their actions, not yours.

You say your DH is supportive, he knows his sister so there must be some background that they are all aware of. You need to step back and let your DH decide how to manage this. Not because you couldn't manage it, but because you don't need his DPs blaming you for any consequences.

They need to understand that none of this is your fault and the best way fo doing that is for your DH to say that he can no longer trust his sister not to hurt his wife and child and that his DPs lack of understanding is only adding to the problem. He will protect his child just as they are protecting theirs.

Let them work their way through that! The outcome is up to them, really!

NameChange30 · 08/07/2018 16:15

WTF?!

I’ve had my in-law troubles but this is another level.

Don’t stay with them ever again. If they want to see you, and can’t visit you, they can pay for you to stay in hotel when you visit them, and meet you there or elsewhere on neutral ground - without SIL. Those would be my terms and if they refused then I’d refuse to visit at all.

Frankly there is a huge amount of dysfunction going on there, their denial is part of their enabling behaviour which can’t be doing SIL any favours.

Stay away, protect yourself and your child from the madness.

PurpleStarInCashmereSky · 08/07/2018 17:01

They accused you of lying? You can't go back and neither can DC as they will not protect you.

Singlenotsingle · 08/07/2018 17:08

Dangerous situation. I'd be too scared to go back. Don't risk it. The parents will have to do something. Can't they put her in respite care occasionally to give themselves a break, and so you can visit?

Phosphorus · 08/07/2018 17:14

They will always love their daughter more than your child, so they won't really see themselves as missing out.

You don't need to do anything really, except say that it isn't appropriate for your child to be around someone exhibiting such behaviours, and stick to it.

Your husband could visit his sister for a weekend while the in-laws come to you if you really want to force a relationship and she can't be alone.

RachelfromFriends · 08/07/2018 17:14

You're doing the right thing.

You're doing the right thing!

Do not feel crap, YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING

BertrandRussell · 08/07/2018 17:18

Yes, your're doing the right thing. But your dp has to talk to his parents about their situation- it sounds awful.

Original poster
Scotgirl80 · 08/07/2018 18:19

Thanks for all your comments ladies. Makes me feel a bit better as my in laws were acting so normal after it happened. Made me question if I was actually over reacting! I guess they are just used to SIL behaviour.

DS and i will not be visiting the PIL. Hubby has been with us since it happened but will be going back tomorrow evening to chat to his parents and tell them he won't accept his family staying In a place where they are verbally and physically attacked. He is going to use what happen to us as the trigger to get his sister some proper help. It's clear they all need some sort of help as the situation is clearly getting worse.

Thanks again ladies!

OP posts:
BlueAnemone · 08/07/2018 18:23

Children learn what they live. Don't let your son think it's OK for anyone to hit or shout at or in any other way, abuse his mum. That's a terrible thing for a child to see, and if it was anyone else who attacked you I assume you'd phone the police. Being related doesn't change how serious this is.

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