Disappointment with grandparents (DP parents)

[Lostalldirection]

Just wondering if anyone else has experienced this because I feel quite hurt and disappointed but maybe it's normal.

DP's parents didn't have any grandchildren despite having three children all in their mid/late 30's and they didn't think they would ever have any. They used to go on and on about wanting grandchildren. Three years ago we surprised them with a grandchild and 18 months later anther one, so now they have two. For the first two years they LOVED having grandchildren, loved seeing them, wanted them to stay etc but as the children have grown in to a three year old and two year old they see them less and less. If we ever ask them to babysit or have them overnight which is really rare, maybe once every 3 or 4 months, there's always some lame excuse like they need to go food shopping or do housework :( but we continue to hear from family members what devoted grandparents they are and how they're always looking after them!! We've just asked if they could have them saturday eve because we have a 50th birthday celebration to go to and they've said they can't because the football is on in the afternoon (it finishes at 6pm) and then they need to rest. For context they're both just 60. And yet I know at the next family occasion they'll be there playing the devoted grandparents and everyone will be telling us how wonderful they are and how lucky we are because they do so much for us. :(

At 60, I am imaging that they find toddlers exhausting.

My mum and dad was almost 50 when I had my daughter. I had my son 7 years later. When he was a baby they were fine. By the time he was 2 (so mum was 59) she found him exhausting. She was fine having dd (who was around 9 then) but struggled with ds. Now ds is 7 they find it easier, even though they are older. He is easier to care for.

Do they see the kids when you and dp are around?

My kids have my Dad (DPs parents died many years ago sadly and my Mum died last year).

He takes our kids maybe for 2 hours a couple of times a month, and the eldest overnight maybe once a month.

Because it’s what he can manage (he’s in his 60s too and still working full time), and it’s what he and they enjoy. Not to suit me or DP.

Don’t get me wrong, in an emergency he would (and has) be there, but non emergency stuff it’s up to him when he has them. Because he’s done his time with responsibility for children raising me and my dickhead brother.

I never understand people who just assume other people will take their kids, even if it’s grandparents.

Do what many of us do OP, if you want childcare either find a friend who has kids a similar age and swap babysitting favours, or pay for childcare.

Your contempt for your ILs is pretty strong, or it is in your post anyway.

Why can they only be classed as “devoted” when they’re doing what you want?

My parents in law were always happy to babysit when their grandchildren were babies. However when they reached toddler age they stopped as it was just too much for them (late 60s).
They started babysitting again when the children were around 9/10.
I dont think its unusual OP.

What does wanting grandchildren have to do with taking care of them occasionally? Maybe they just want you to visit with them sp they can see them groe up without having to take them for sleep overs etc.

We don't have childcare from either set of grandparents
They find it hard work and tiring
Doesn't mean they don't like seeing the grand kids and doesn't mean they aren't devoted
They are grandparents not child minders

My parents and DH’s parents adore our children. None of them have ever had the DC overnight though (they’re 4 and 3 now). I think overnight is a lot to ask of people, especially if the DC are early risers.
It’s possible to be a devoted grandparent without doing childcare duties.

Speaking as a grandparent who does quite a bit of childcare but for only one grandchild I find it WAY more tiring than when I was parenting. Despite (or perhaps because of!) being a gym bunny and working full time in a demanding career.

However, I think it's quite important I pay back at least some of the advantages my generation had that the current don't - easy mortgages, free education, decent pensions etc etc. So I do put myself out and I do help out with the care - and if I look round the playground during the 3pm pick up I'm not in a significant minority

My parents work full time office hours so can’t help with drop offs/picks ups. DH’s parents are retired but live abroad and would find childcare exhausting. All of them love spending time with the DC when possible though (with us there too!)

Tbh, I wouldn’t trip over myself to babysit other people’s toddlers, having just got past the stage of mine being that age. Much, much easier (and fun) looking after children age 5 plus, so maybe they’ll offer more when you’re children are a bit easier?
Neither of my parents (not together) have ever had my children on their own, they’re weren’t interested.
Interesting the rest of the family seem to think they are really involved though, whys that do you think?

I would be correcting any other family member who said they were 'devoted' grandparents!!

"They do so much for us? You must have misheard them as we haven't seen them for x weeks, and they keep declining our offers to visit"

I'm in my late 60s and tbh I find my two DGS aged 5 and 2 exhausting to be around for long :-( I do babysit if DD1 asks though but looking after them during the day is not possible for me.

I usually go and spend a day with them all once a month or so and sometimes they come to me. The boys are always happy to see me and that is all that matters.

I think it's all about perspective. My dps have looked after our dc (aged 3 and 8) overnight a total of 6 nights I think ever. Dh's parents have looked after 1 dc for 1 night. I think that's fine. They babysit when they can but we usually pay for a sitter. They were all much more excited by all their grandkids as babies and then again over age 7. I suspect your pils do love being grandparents but like many people don't want to actually have to look after young children regularly. I don't think it's unusual or wrong.

However, I think it's quite important I pay back at least some of the advantages my generation had that the current don't - easy mortgages, free education, decent pensions etc etc. So I do put myself out

That's a very odd point to make - and a sweeping generalisation which certainly doesnt apply to all 'your generation'

I have had my grandchildren regularly since they were babies but my youngest child was not much older than them so I was still.in the swing of looking after young children. I even travelled abroad alone with them to meet their parents who were taking part in an event. I can't deny it was hard work when they were young but good fun. Now they are growing up it's much easier and I am pleased they still want to come. Some of my friends never babysit though as they have busy social lives but there is no doubt they love their grandchildren. I also think some grandparents lose confidence looking after young children due to all the changes in feeding etc and some parents' very rigid parenting styles!

@MaireadMacSweeney
Of course I realise that not all were able to take advantage but my generation had at least access to those things.

Children at this age are very tiring so they might do more when they are older.
Are you annoyed because they are not helping or because everyone is saying how devoted they are?

I was widowed when my kids were 11 months old and 2 years old. My ILs had sole care of my kids for one weekend in 18 years. Not because they didn’t love them, but because they were working full time and lived 250 miles away.
I don’t think any of us can expect grandparents to provide childcare these days - they all have their own lives to get on with.

I'd feel disappointed about this situation too - they can't have it both ways and if they don't want to be hands on they shouldn't be boasting about it.
I'm also pretty shocked by all the people saying how exhausting toddlers are for 60 year olds. Understandable if you have health problems but most people in the 60s (and I'm one of them) should be fit and active. Ok, they may not want to do it, but don't use age as an excuse.

most people in the 60s (and I'm one of them) should be fit and active. Ok, they may not want to do it, but don't use age as an excuse

Says who? Even without health problems everyone is different. Just because you may feel fit and well and able to babysit toddlers doesn't mean everyone your age can.

Do you expect everyone age 30 all to be able to do the same things?

My parents are fit and active in their early 60’s. DH’s parents aren’t.

I think it’s harder to have one’s DGC to stay if you don’t do it often as you don’t know what to do with them. Your PIL probably don’t know how to cope. You could try telling them your own routine ie breakfast, then play, some TV, early lunch, trip to the park (taking water and snacks), tea, bath, story in bed, sleep.
I’m 66, overweight and with arthritic knees but I have the DGC regularly. Yes I get tired but I have plenty of time to rest and catch up on sleep when they’re not around.
I have age appropriate toys here at my house like Lego, Playmobil etc and plan outings to the park making sure I have water and a picnic with us. It’s worth making the effort to have a close relationship with your grandchildren and their parents.

You sound very entitled and judgy OP. There's no law that says GPs should be on hand to babysit whenever you want. Your children are not the GPs responsibility - if you want to go out it's down to you to organise childcare and the GPs are perfectly entitled to make 'lame excuses' if they want to. Maybe they want to relax and have a few drinks whilst watching to the footie and don't then want to have to gear themselves up to care for lively children... It's their choice - not yours.

Yes, it would be nice for you if they were always available but as others have said, at 2 and 3 I suspect they're increasingly hard work. Although I don't think 60 is old!

I'm also pretty shocked by all the people saying how exhausting toddlers are for 60 year olds. Understandable if you have health problems but most people in the 60s (and I'm one of them) should be fit and active. Ok, they may not want to do it, but don't use age as an excuse

Speak for yourself. I don't have health problems thankfully but I find my 5 and 2 year old DGS exhausting. I just had my 70th birthday but have been like this since they were born. I am a single Mum and think it would be easier if I still had their DGF to help but he couldn't give a fxxk. Fortunately DD doesn't expect more of me than I am able to provide.

DH and I are in our late 50s and love looking after our grandchildren - an almost 3 year old and a 3 month old but it is exhausting especially if we have both. The almost 3 year old on her own is fine although on the go all the time and we just have her one day a week usually when my DD returns to part time work. We wont have the 3 month old regularly for another 6 months and that will also be one day weekly. Other friends of ours have been called on to babysit much more than this but our DD and SIL are very considerate of our time luckily. I know grandchildren as they get older though will not necessarily gravitate towards grandparents so we are making the best of them while they are little.

Some people like the idea of being a grandparent but when they realise how much hard work it is to look after them especially for longer periods they go off the idea. Do you think this is what has happened here? They had forgotten the downside of having kids and having helped out for 2 years now feel that because your DC are out of the cute baby stage toddlers are much harder work? Personally I love the toddler stage and although I adore our new DGD the newborn/early baby stage I find very restricting.

If they continue to refuse to babysit unfortunately there is little you can do. Do you invite them over just as guests as some grandparents resent only seeing their grandkids when they are called on to babysit. Or pop over to see them? I would laughingly dismiss comments from family members about how much they do for you by saying oh they are always too busy to babysit. Of course they don't have to but they will be missing out on forming a good bond with your DC as they get older. Does your DP help out or do they live a long way away?

A 2 and a 3 year old together would wear me out and I’m not 40 yet. I understand the bitterness but I wouldn’t burn any bridges because I assume they are still interested in seeing the gc, just not babysitting, and, they’ll likely get more interested when the kids get a bit older. In a few years you’ll have a 4 and 5 year old - much easier proposition.

Some people are lucky to have gp that will do anything, and some have none for many reasons - you can’t change where you are on that spectrum, you can only work on the rest of your network, other family or friends that you can swap babysitting with.