I don’t think I’m coping

[user1234556789]

DS is 8 months old. Before I go into everything else I can’t stress enough he’s a very much a wanted baby by DH and I, and I love him more than words can say.
We didn’t have an easy start (I suppose most don’t really) but we struggled a lot when DS was born. He had multiple undiagnosed allergies such as cmpa and was a very unsettled newborn, he’d scream 24/7 and health professionals were beyond useless. I had midwives visiting me at home every day at one point as they thought I was just a neurotic first time mum who couldn’t handle a ‘crying baby’. I struggled a lot with PND. DH and my family are under the impression it was ‘just baby blues’ but I’m certain it was/is more. I’ve always been a very in control type of person, I don’t rely on others or ever ask for help, even if I need it. I really struggled with needing others to look after me when I felt as a mum I should just be able to get on with things, as so many others seem to do just fine!
I love my boy so much but lately I’m spending more and more time crying and feeling frustrated than I am actually enjoying my baby. DS is a very poor sleeper in the day (always has been) he’ll have a good nap in the morning but completelty refuses to nap in the afternoon. He’ll scream and scream and sometimes pass out for 30mins if I’m lucky but I wouldn’t say he’s getting a decent rest, more like crying himself to sleep and passing out with exhaustion. So come the afternoon/evening he’s beyond over tired and very difficult to please or settle.
I sat there last night with him in my arms screaming at me and I just felt like what’s the point anymore. I feel like such a shit mum and I’m finding things so, so hard right now.
DH tries to be supportive, but he doesn’t really get it... he works 2 jobs at the moment so the majority of childcare does come down to me. My mum’s good too but she’s also busy with work a lot of the time.. I don’t really have much of a friendship circle anymore either as I have no time to myself to even entertain the idea of a real social life. Separation anxiety isn’t helping things either. If I leave the room or someone else tries to hold DS and he can see me he kicks off big time.
I’m starting to worry if I don’t put this bloody baby down soon and have some me-time I’m going to go insane. I feel even worse for saying that.
Am I really awful for feeling like this? I was so desperate to be a mum and struggled to fall pregnant, I never expected to feel this low and find it so hard.
Thanks if you got this far. Don’t really know what I’m expecting from this.. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this properly. I’m so lost.

You're not alone in this at all, and it's fantastic you've opened up about how you're feeling. Just because you love your DS doesn't make being a parent easy, don't feel guilty in the slightest about how you're feeling. You aren't awful.

I think it's a combo of PND and exhaustion. Being responsible for a baby 24/7 is incredibly draining, are you getting any respite at all so you can do stuff for yourself? Are you getting out to any groups? My social circle totally dissolved too once I had DS, it's really hard to get it going again.

What about doing Pilates or something in the evening? I've started to go around 7:30, once DS is in bed. And DH is home to watch him. It's really helped just having a bit of a break from DS, it's so intense being one on one all the time isn't it?

I would go to the GP about the crying though I left my PND really late before seeking help too. There's no harm in going in for a chat.

Thank you PinstripeElephant x
We do get out regularly, I take DS to swimming lessons once a week. Always feels like such a chore but he loves it so by the time we’re there I’m always pleased I dragged myself out to go!
I might look into Pilates or something in the evening.. it really is so intense! At the moment I’m not getting any respite at all. Almost 2 months ago was the last time I left DH to look after DS (I went for a spa day for my birthday) so I was gone for a rather long time, and by the time I got home DS was beside himself. Totally refused the bottle which we’ve never had a problem with in the past (I’m still breastfeeding) so it totally put me off even thinking about leaving him again any time soon 😣
I know I probably should go and speak to the GP but they made me feel so shite in those early days when we were really struggling with DS that it’s put me off asking for any clinical help at all now 😕

Oh OP I'm sorry you were treated so badly by GP's in the past. You could maybe look at registering with another surgery or talking to your HV if you don't feel up to going back. You really need to talk to someone sympathetic who will treat you with kindness, some people just manage to make you feel even worse at a really vulnerable time. Have you tried maybe chatting to other mums at groups to see if you can offer to maybe babysit for each other on occasion? Failing that, a gym with a crèche maybe?

I really think you need some time for YOU. You've been sharing your space with your DS for a year and a half! It's enough to drive anyone mad! I think we all really lose our identity a bit after becoming parents.

Have you spoken to your DH at all? Or your DM?

Will DS normally take a bottle? I'd never discourage you to stop breastfeeding - but if him taking a bottle on occasion to give you some respite will help your mental health, it'll be good for both of you.

This probably sounds ridiculous, I nearly called my HV earlier but I’m a bit anxious to do that as I know how they must have seen me back in the early days (I used to work for a HV team I just know I would have been ‘marked’) and I’m scared if I contact her now she’ll interfere too much.. I know she won’t exactly take my DS away from me lol but I think I’m scared to admit to myself that I’m actually concerned with my mental health 😕
DH is lovely, he does try bless him but he doesn’t get it really.. he always offers to do more if he can but again I’m scared to be 100% honest with him about how low I have felt.
DM is also supportive, but we’re still on rocky terms since DS was born. Short version is she wanted to be at the birth, I didn’t think I’d want her there and then ugly PND kicked in so I cut everyone that wasn’t DH out for about 2-3 days after he was born because I couldn’t cope, I lost control a little bit. She’s been great since then but I think our relationship is permanently damaged now, she’s always been one to hold a grudge.
I wondered if there’s any way I could look into some sort of counselling or support without going via my GP. I know I need to really get this out my system but feeling a bit cagey about who I properly open up to. Very easy to hide behind my phone on MN!! 😬

Meant to add DS used to take a bottle no problem, but since that day I left him with DH he’s refused it completely. We haven’t tried much since if I’m honest I think we need to persevere a bit more with bottles if it’s going to work x

This may sound really obvious, but have you tried going up a test size with the bottle? Maybe it's a bit slow compared to boob and he's finding it frustrating.

TEAT! Not 'test'.

Oh op I can so relate to you.

My dd who is now 17 months had cmpa and was a terrible mapper... a 30 minute nap was her specialty!

It does get better I promise, over time dd naps did get better, and she is now pretty reliable.

As for putting the baby down, in a few months time it will probably no longer be an issue as your baby gets more mobile and wants to explore and play. My dd is still very clingy, but has time goes on she spends more and more time entertaining herself and giving me little pockets of space.

As for feeling like a terrible mum, I felt exactly the same. I couldn't understand why I couldn't get dd to nap properly so that she would be better rested and it made me feel like such a failure. Looking back it was just who she was, and if I stopped fighting it I would have been a lot happier.

I used to spend so much time looking at my friends babies napping well, wondering why I was such a terrible mother, how I had another baby this year (14 month gap) and he is TOTALLY different, much much easier, and it made me realise that all that time I spent worrying I was a rubbish parent was wasted, because my friends obviously had a baby like my dc2 who is naturally easy, and it was nothing to do with their or my parenting at all!

Hang in there, it WILL get better I promise!

If you feel confident enough, call the HV don't worry about them sticking their beaks in too much. They really should be helping you figure out how to help you through this, and most want what's best for you and your baby. If you're worried about them marking you, and knowing who you are and where you live, could you maybe pop into a clinic? Our local one have weighing, and a little 'booth' where you can talk to a HV if you need to.

I think you need to be completely open with DH though. Don't feel like you've got to gloss over how you feel!

I actually think posting about how you feel on here is a huge step ! You aren't hiding behind your phone. You should be really proud of admitting to someone, as yourself, that you maybe need a bit more help and support. It's a really brave thing to do, and I know how hard it is to admit when you're struggling.

Namechange damn all those friends with perfectly behaved babies ! I used to delight in when my friends angelic little DD played up. It made me feel so much better about DS refusing to sleep and screaming his head off.

Here’s to you OP. You’re doing a marvellous job and please don’t be put off asking for help. It takes a village to raise a child, it really does and having a baby screaming 24/7 would drive anyone crazy, even 10 minutes screaming seems to last forever. Yes you can get private counselling but remember there’s an army of people there who really really want to help you, health visitors, specialist nurses, GPs, friends and family. If you are nervous about your relationship with your mother why don’t you ask DH to tell her how badly things are going? I’m sure she’d love to step in a look after DGS for at least a couple of hours. This isn’t a substitute for medical help but it really will give you a break - and quite a few of the best mums I know had PND so please, please seek treatment. It is there waiting for you

Oh op.

I was/still am you!

DS has cmpa, screamed all day and didn’t nap. I never got a break and it was so bloody hard. Like you I also have a DH and experienced the same problems leaving DS with him.

He’s one now and does at least sleep at night and the screaming all day has subsided so it does get better. But a year ago I could have written your post, every single word.

I don’t have any specific advise other than please call your health visitor, or go and see her and let her read your opening post if that’s easier. And please talk to DH.

Pm me if you want to talk

Namechangemum god you literally sound just like me!! It drives me insane when DS won’t nap, especially when you can see they need it! And the struggle is so real! Some nights he needs a white noise machine, projector light thing AND boobing to sleep. I really do envy my friends that literally put the baby down anywhere and they just sleep. I too have admittedly experienced the schadenfreude feeling of that ‘perfect baby’ kicking off 😬😂😂 I thought I was so evil doing that haha at least it’s not just me!!

Pinstripe I didn’t consider the bottle teat size or flow actually.. I think I might have the next size up in the bottle kit we bought so I’ll give that a try too 😊 he won’t take water from a sippy cup either just throws it everywhere 🙄 just bloody impossible haha

Igmum thank you for your kind words x
My mum and DH don’t really have the best relationship.. more an issue from my mum’s side admittedly but they are civil. I might ask her to have DS for an hour or two though. I’m sure she’d be happy to do it I just panic about leaving him with anyone really, because when he’s on one and kicks off I wouldn’t wish that on anyone else to deal with 😂

Have you tried baby groups to try and get some local support from other mums? It’s all a bit cringey at the beginning but the women I met made me feel sane again.

My daughter wouldn’t have a bottle but would have one of the sippy cups. It might be worth a go? You definitely need a break. Good luck.

Chocolatecakes thank you x seriously xx
I don’t mean this to sound offensive to other mums but I really think unless you’ve experienced caring for an allergy baby you have no idea how bad it can be. I know there could be a million other things which could be worse, but god those newborn weeks were hell on Earth.
I used to (still sometimes do) think why me? I have days where I feel like it’s not fair, I never wanted this, I didn’t ask for a difficult/needy baby. But I know he can’t help it and I love him so much.. now the allergies are under control it really is so much easier. DS does sleep at night (most of the time anyway!)
Im going to speak to my DH properly. I think I’ve just been worried about feeling like I’m burdening him with my problems but it’s done me zero favours keeping it to myself for this long. DH has some time off work next week so going to try and use that time to reconnect a bit. I will seriously consider ringing my HV too. I think I’m scared of the unknown, I can’t take it back once I’ve told her sort of thing x

I also have an 8mo with CMPA and could have written your post, I’m also struggling and my DP works long hours so leaves Monday morning and comes home Friday night. I don’t have much advice but know that you’re not alone x

Cleo2628 thank you x
Have you joined the CMPA support group on Facebook? They’ve been really helpful for me when I’ve questioned yet another potential reaction or just need to post a rant to other mums who ‘get it’ xx

You are not a bad mum for wanting you time. Having a baby is a massive shock to the system.
Have some hugs from me.

How's he doing with weaning? Does he drink water from a sippy cup? Neither of mine ever took a bottle but by 8 months they were eating well and drank water no problem so they could be left for a good few hours: it doesn't matter if he doesn't have milk during the day for a few hours- he can make up for it with a good long feed when you're home.

And as per others- you're not a bad Mum for wanting time to yourself. You need it. All babies are tough: EBF with health issues are super tough. It's not selfish to look after yourself: it's the opposite.

FurryGiraffe weaning is going quite well so far. Obviously it’s on a dairy/soya/egg (I could go on) free diet so mainly fruits, veg and meat but he’s happy with that 😊 3 meals a day at the moment
We’re struggling with sippy cups too. I’ve got 2 different ones that I’ve tried so far. DS is not keen on water at all so mainly throws it everywhere rather than drinks it. I’ve tried diluting pure fruit juice, giving it at a warmer temperature rather than cold, I even bought one of those pre-made baby juice water bottle things today out of desperation but he’s not interested in that either 🙄😂 I keep offering it regularly but he doesn’t drink it with ease.
I wonder if he’d had milk from one of them he’d be happier to take water from it too?? X

I think cups come with time OP, DS isn't really interested at the moment. Have you tried the MAM ones with the bit they have to suck on to release the water? It might be a good bridge in-between bottle/cup.

How're you feeling today though?

Op, I feel for you. I had pnd after my daughter was born and your post feels very familiar. It won't last forever but you do need to get it treated. I was very afraid to seek help but I am so glad I did. I ended up on anti depressants for a year and they really helped me, along with therapy.
As for getting some me time - at 8 months your baby should be able to go a good few hours without milk. Can you afford to book a babysitter for an afternoon? You could use an agency so that you get someone trusted. Or do you have any other mum friends who would be willing to take the baby for 2-3 hours so that you can get time to yourself? Getting away from baby was honestly one of the things that helped me most. She was also a very difficult baby and a horrible sleeper and I started to resent her at times. Getting some time away helped me to cope with her better. Good luck op. It is hard, I know. But you can get through it.

And, as others have said - you are not a bad mum. In almost every other time Im history, women would never be left to care for a baby alone. We would have been living with extended families and sharing responsibilities. The reason that you find looking after a baby solo so hard is because it IS HARD. It's not you.