I don’t think I’m coping

[user1234556789]

DS is 8 months old. Before I go into everything else I can’t stress enough he’s a very much a wanted baby by DH and I, and I love him more than words can say.
We didn’t have an easy start (I suppose most don’t really) but we struggled a lot when DS was born. He had multiple undiagnosed allergies such as cmpa and was a very unsettled newborn, he’d scream 24/7 and health professionals were beyond useless. I had midwives visiting me at home every day at one point as they thought I was just a neurotic first time mum who couldn’t handle a ‘crying baby’. I struggled a lot with PND. DH and my family are under the impression it was ‘just baby blues’ but I’m certain it was/is more. I’ve always been a very in control type of person, I don’t rely on others or ever ask for help, even if I need it. I really struggled with needing others to look after me when I felt as a mum I should just be able to get on with things, as so many others seem to do just fine!
I love my boy so much but lately I’m spending more and more time crying and feeling frustrated than I am actually enjoying my baby. DS is a very poor sleeper in the day (always has been) he’ll have a good nap in the morning but completelty refuses to nap in the afternoon. He’ll scream and scream and sometimes pass out for 30mins if I’m lucky but I wouldn’t say he’s getting a decent rest, more like crying himself to sleep and passing out with exhaustion. So come the afternoon/evening he’s beyond over tired and very difficult to please or settle.
I sat there last night with him in my arms screaming at me and I just felt like what’s the point anymore. I feel like such a shit mum and I’m finding things so, so hard right now.
DH tries to be supportive, but he doesn’t really get it... he works 2 jobs at the moment so the majority of childcare does come down to me. My mum’s good too but she’s also busy with work a lot of the time.. I don’t really have much of a friendship circle anymore either as I have no time to myself to even entertain the idea of a real social life. Separation anxiety isn’t helping things either. If I leave the room or someone else tries to hold DS and he can see me he kicks off big time.
I’m starting to worry if I don’t put this bloody baby down soon and have some me-time I’m going to go insane. I feel even worse for saying that.
Am I really awful for feeling like this? I was so desperate to be a mum and struggled to fall pregnant, I never expected to feel this low and find it so hard.
Thanks if you got this far. Don’t really know what I’m expecting from this.. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this properly. I’m so lost.

Don’t know if it’s any use to you op but when ds refused the bottle I used the Mam soft spout sippy cup and never looked back. He took to it straight away and loved the fact he could hold it himself and we used it from about 4/5 months old. Link below. Maybe if your little one isn’t taken to the bottle spouts he might to the soft sippy cup spout instead.

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/B00PH5OPBS/ref=mp_s_a_1_3_a_it?ref=plSrch&keywords=mam+starter+cup&dpPl=1&dpID=41QcHqHRS8L&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1530898071&sr=8-3

www.amazon.co.uk/Munchkin-Click-Weighted-Flexi-Trainer/dp/B015917YLW/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?psc=1&keywords=mam+starter+cup&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_QL65&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1530898071&sr=8-1-spons

Another option above that’s supposed to be good. I haven’t tried this one personally though.

Your posts sound really similar to how I felt in the early days after having DS1. It was a horrible time add I was depressed. He had really bad reflux and just screamed and refused to sleep in the day. The one blessing was he slept through the night from very early on. I would spend my evenings with him screaming (not crying it was a shrill scream from pain!) constantly. The only thing that calmed him down was listening to Rhianna on repeat. So then I spent my evenings listening to Rhianna all evening. I was afraid to leave him because no one else could cope with him. I was afraid to leave the house with him incase he cried. Around 4 months he got better once I actually got taken seriously at the GP, got medication for him and started weaning him. But my anxiety around him probably stayed until he was 18m.

If you haven't done so already, go to the GP. I was on antidepressants which helped lift the fog a bit. You can also get counseling privately if you don't want to go via your GP. I was able to access this through work. I didn't breast feed. I would probably have been in a worse state if I did. Gradually I got used to leaving DS1 but it took time. It's so important to do something for yourself, just an hour a day or a afternoon a week. I still insist on this now and my kids are now 5 and 3!

It can get better, but the best thing to do is let people know you're struggling and ask for help.

I think the fact that you 're even thinking you're a shit mum for this proves yo u're the opposite. Be kind to yourself!
I t sounds like you're going through a similar situat ion that I went through; my younge st was Satan incarnate, and w ou ld scream the fucking house down unless I was holding her. S he didn't sleep either. Complete nightmare.
BUT
It gets better! I absolutely, promise you it does! Bratzilla will start settling down, and you will start feeling less guilty about shock horro r wanting to spend time to yourself.
Accept ing help doesn't make you less of a supermum; you're just recharging your batteries.
I wouldnt let anyone look after my kids (still dont, control freak), but if you trust those people, let them look after your baba for a bit! The worst that will happen is he'll scream for them, and score, you don't have to listen to it!

Give y ourself a hug, eat some chocolate, it'll all work out.

I really get your post, although I am not dealing with allergies and depression. I’ve found the whole small baby thing pretty challenging, and similar issues with not putting down/ baby absolutely losing his shit when left with people. Actually, it was more losing his shit when I didn’t leave enough milk for him....

For me it’s less about control, more about loss of independence and not being able to problem solve a baby. Because you can’t, damn their eyes ;)

I decided to just be really honest about how I felt. After a comment on social media I was contacted by a number of mums. I felt like there was a secret support society of parents and I’d put out the bat signal. My health visitor came and spent an hour with me. My mum has been awesome. I really recommend asking for help from as many sources as possible. People get it.

Ladies I cannot thank you all enough for your kind and supportive words. It really means the world to me, it helps so much just to know that I’m not alone in feeling like this. It can be so isolating at times.
Today, however, has been a good day. DS had a morning and an afternoon nap today 😮 which is practically unheard of these days!! So I had around an hour this morning and this afternoon to just sit down baby free and breathe. He was only napping, but I really needed it. Gone down fairly easily tonight too, maybe DS finally sensed I needed a break.. (nice thought I spose haha!)
It’s strange, I have days where I really feel low and as though I can’t cope.. then days like today where I have no idea where this negativity is coming from, because I’m ‘fine’!!
I think that’s one of the main reasons I’ve not looked for help sooner.. it isn’t an every day doom and gloom, so I just carry on until the next down day and it’s an endless continuous up-down cycle.
DH has a break from work for a few days next week, so he’ll be around to help more but after then I’m definitely going to have a baby free day/afternoon/evening off at least once a week. The thought of it scares me but I need to do it.

Hang in there. I have an 8mo who doesn’t nap during the day. It is tiring. He’s my third and none have been good ballers til they were over 1 - an element of what you’re going through is normal! Can you give him formula in a sippy cup? You might then be able to leave him for a few hours.
All babies - including those with allergies, my eldest had milk allergy - hate being away from mum at this age. It’s normal for them to be clingy. The good news is it will get so much better from now on. Try and get out with him as much as you can during the day and get lots of exercise. He will get easier.
My first baby almost killed me, my third doesn’t nap but I’ve leaened not to stress as I know it will improve.
Hang in there!

Sleepers not ballers! Silly phone

Hormones mate. Women are cursed with them; fine one minute, in a corner rocking back and forth the next.
Keep going! You're doing great! An d the two naps a day sounds like a perfectly valid reason to cel ebrate. Treat yourself to someth ing

You're almost through the toughest stage, OP. Soon you will have a fun interesting small person, who will play and babble and be more responsive to you, instead of a screaming, relentlessly demanding baby!
I think all mums get shell shocked, and wonder what the hell has hit them, when they have their first baby. Sleep deprivation alone means that you just aren't able to function properly, and when you add in hormone fluctuations and PND, it's a very toxic mix.
I think it's very encouraging that you had a good day, with baby having some naps. It might even be that, since getting some support and encouragement on MN, you are calmer and a bit cheerier, and your baby is picking up on that too.
As PPs have said, I'd encourage you to get some help in real life. Whatever you feel comfortable with, whether that's friends, relatives, HV, mum and baby groups, GP - you're the one who knows which would be most helpful to you personally.
There is definitely life beyond the treadmill of baby care! You will get your life back in stages, and I think you've already begun the process.
Give yourself credit for managing this far, you're doing really well. Things will get better. God bless.

Thank you all ❤️
DS gave me a delightful 5am wake up call this morning and I’ve woken up with a shitty head cold (typical 😪) but the sun is shining and DS is now napping. Going to take a load of paracetamol and just get on with it today. Like pp’s have suggested just going to get outside and get us both some fresh air. Did consider sticking DS in the baby bjorn carrier and tackling the next sale but not feeling too brave now 😂😂
I really do feel like a little bit of weight has been lifted ever since I posted on here. I will get some ‘proper’ help and support in real life too though x