Meh

[Unsureandtired]

Hi all, namechanged for this one as I stupidly thought I was over this and it's clear I'm not and I'm too embarrassed and ashamed to admit it.
Dd is 13 weeks old. Hooray, I thought as she reached 12 weeks. This is the magical age when she starts doing cute stuff and this overwhelming 'meh' feeling I have towards her goes. Well, shit. Nothings changed. I still just feel meh. My husband has had this week off work and I've just palmed her onto him as much as I can under the guise of 'she's your baby too, why don't you enjoy her before you go back to work?' But secretly it's because I just totally can't be bothered. We've just moved house, there are a million things we didn't realise needed doing (dodgy electrics, faulty plumbing) so the house is a tip and I'm resenting the baby for taking up my time when I should be fixing it. Everyone who comes over thinks she's adorable and objectively I can see that she is, so why don't I feel this instinctive protectiveness, this overwhelming mothers love? I feel like an outsider looking into my own life, totally removed from it. Husband goes back to work on Monday and I'm dreading another week of mind numbing going through the motions of being a mum. What is wrong with me? I've told everyone I'm fine and loving it. I struggled at the start, it will break my husband's heart if I tell him I'm not improving after he thinks I've been getting better for weeks. I told my health visitor that I was doing well when she offered me extra visits. Why did I do that?! I was literally offered more support and I turned it down. What a fucking stupid idiot i am. Trapped for the next 18 years

Not falling falling for the baby at the beginning is a pretty normal experience and you need to stop beating yourself up for how you feel.

You also need to be honest, with your DH, however hard you think that may be and with your HV.

Can you do anything nice this weekend together? I think you might need some things to look forward to. Can you arrange to meet up with friends next week as well?

Does DH work regular hours? Would he be able to come home and bath her and put her to bed so that you can have some time doing normal stuff without her?

It sounds like you have PND. Please go and see your GP

Please do not feel bad, this tiny baby phase is really one of the most boring. Some people love it but it IS hard. You also have a lot on your plate with the moving etc This is a lot to cope with and perhaps you are not giving yourself enough space. You clearly need it. Accept the practical help people are offering. Don't buy into the myth.
Perhaps you are a bit depressed? PND can really impact on bonding.
Please be open with your DH and also yourself but also understand that you are NOT 'stuck like this for 18 years'. Every stage of your child growing is different and not everyone IS a baby person. You will have years of interesting times with your child and really only a few months in comparison with this hard to understand needy soul.

It's not too late to call up a GP or HV and explain that emotionally you're struggling. No one ever has their baby taken away when they're caring for them adequately simply because they're emotionally uninvested - in fact, just the opposite! They're supported more so. Don't give up, don't worry about the house - it'll get done, focus on you and your family. Best wishes

This weekend we are supposed to be entertaining his parents on Saturday and some old friends on Sunday. All lovely, except I'm not looking forward to it. All we talk about is the baby. His mum just does this stupid voice when she talks to or about dd and you have to repeat everything you say to her three times while she's holding her because she just doesn't listen to anything, it's like she's in a trance when she holds her. I wish it was like that for me. Husband works 1.5 hours away and is out of the house by 6.30/7 and back at 8 usually, though sometimes will be 9. So cant really help in the week as hes knackered and often just too late to help bathe her or feed her as she naturally tends to go to bed at 8 anyway. Then he often needs to work for a few hours at the weekend too so will shut himself away for a bit then. I feel like she's glued to me constantly.
Reading back I think it's clear I need help, but when I've tried to speak out in the past I physically can't get the words out. It's like an actual block in my throat and I can't say what I want to say.

I should say through that dh is fantastic and does over 50% of the night feeds as dd is bottle fed. He regrets his work situation as much as I do but it's not something we can change right now.

It does sound as if you may have Post Natal Illness although I’m not trained. I think your HV might already suspect 5hat you are struggling emotionally and that’s why she’s offered you extra visits.

If things get stuck in your throat, do you feel like this with DH, the HV or both?

If DH works those kind of hours, works finances allow you to get a nanny or send her to a childminders a couple of days a week? I know some Mums who join gym with crèches just so they get some time away. I don’t think it’s a cure for how you are feeling but it may help in the short term.

Do you think you are putting too much pressure on yourself? From your comments about the house, your expectations and the fact that you find it difficult to say that you are struggling I get the feeling that you set yourself high standards and don’t like admitting when you need help?

*that

What if you show your husband and health visitor this post - you’ve got it all written down here, no need to talk and get everything out.

I feel stuck when I speak to both of them, I feel that I'm being ungrateful as there are plenty of women in far worse situations who manage. And my husband is lovely but his answer to everything is to try and get my mum involved as we are very close. Only problem is she can be a bit dismissive of what she sees as self diagnosed mental health problems and I don't think I could face her sort of questioning me. Without being too outing, dh has just started a new job (6 months or so ago). It pays well and is a fantastic opportunity for future jobs, but a lot of his wage is spent on commute. Then we have student debts and other debts. And of course now a mortgage. So although were not struggling our finances won't stretch to a nanny unless I go back to work too. I didn't know gyms with creches existed- would they accept such a small baby though?

Thank you so much. I am the first of my friends to have a baby - no one i know is even remotely pregnant. I have never even held a baby before my own dd so feel a bit isolated in terms of real life peer support.

Showing them this is a good idea. Although I am so worried about upsetting my husband as he has been so proud of me for getting over these feelings as I told him I had. I think he'll be crushed. He adores our dd and really wants us to be a happy little family

With my second I had pnd but I didn't tick any box because I didn't want to hurt her or myself. The feelings big was that I could leave her fed & safe in her cot, lock the door & just walk away. I felt totally flat.

Hang in there - it will change & get better but talk to your partner & your HV & your mum & anyone who you have & trust. You are not a bad mum - just a mum doing her best. Things will change - with a baby they always do but talk to someone & get support. Your partner will probably look bewildered & won't know what to doubt tell him as best you can.

Sending big love & hugs - you deserve both & all the support you can get

Ducking typos - sorry

My DS' nursery takes from 3 months so I think a crèche could too. I had a fab babysitter who looked after DS once a week whilst I had postnatal physiotherapy, I loved the two hours to myself. I think homestart offer a volunteer support system that is similar but free?

Please don't feel bad for how you feel

My son is 5 months now and honestly only the last month have I started to really connect with him

That's with me and him spending 5 months me and him ( no family, no partner because he works so much)

It's awful to sit and say it. To admit that you didn't take to your baby the way you're expected to but that doesn't mean it's wrong.

We all have our own ways to know and mine was the minute he was in my sisters arms last week (he turned 5 months) he looked at me and put his arms out for me. That's when I knew he needed me more than anything.

Don't stress about things and speak to someone if you can. I spoke to my Gp I'm lucky to have a wonderful GP she is amazing and understands that for a baby to be happy, the mother needs to be.

You are doing amazing no matter what you think. Your baby knows that.

I felt exactly as you describe nearly 4 years ago when DS was born. I don't remember when it changed. He just grew on my slowly. Now I would fight tigers for him, delight in the smallest things he does and says and generally adore him. I didn't say anything at the time. I worried about the consequences. I worried people would think I was ungrateful. I'd never really struggled with anything before, especially when I felt it was something that should come naturally to me. I should have probably said something to someone. But I didn't (until months after) and it passed and got better.

And forget everything! I mean everything

Part of my problem was I was obsessed about keeping the house the way it was before a baby. Keep everything spotless and clean and all clothes washed, ironed and put away but I soon realised that's not what life with a baby is

Set yourself small goals. Sometimes my day would be "today I'm going to brush and straighten my hair"
"Today I'm going to get dressed in something that I want to wear"
"Today I'm going to take baby out for a walk"
"Today I'm going to put a load of washing in"

Make them something you can achieve or think you can and if you don't it didn't matter
Make that goal for that week and one day you'll get that goal and you'll start to make progress with baby and you

So today my baby had a meltdown on way to Tesco so I had an option. Get the shopping done so we had everything in for the family or go home and try again tomorrow. I went home and I'll try again tomorrow. It's ok, we didn't starve we all ate and we all are ok

Having a baby is so hard and it's the hardest job ever you're really doing amazing

*Hotchips
*
You are so right, spot on that one day it's just gets you that doesn't matter when.
It's really tough and i think a lot is expected of you to be something because "that's the norm"

Be kind to yourself, write a letter to explain how you feel and show it your hv and dh. Ask him to cancel the weekend commitments. I think you'll feel a relief when you've sought help. Good luck (tiny babies are boring tho!)

I think that cancelling the weekend plans may be a good idea like fuzzy says. You don’t sound like you’re looking forward to them anyway and you sound quite overwhelmed enough without having to host guests on top.

If you want to talk to someone who understands before you speak to your HV, the APNI have a helpline which is open from 10 am to 2 pm or you can use the live chat facility on their website.

Also agree with NotHere you need to set really small goals and very few of them. At 13 weeks I would be happy if I’d fed and looked after the baby, had a shower and got changed and eaten myself.

I don’t know how you feel about baby groups but they absolutely saved me. Just the thought of having some adult company and getting out of the house for a couple of hours got me through.

Speak to your HV, if it's PND you want to catch it now.

That being said, it's totally ok not to love the baby stage. At 3 months old they are dulllll. They don't really do anything. My daughter is now 8 months and she is so much fun, I enjoy life a lot more now than I did in the beginning (and 12 weeks wasn't a magical milestone for us either!).

Getting out and about helps me immensely, especially in this beautiful weather we've been having. I've found a couple of other local mums that I've clicked with and we meet up weekly which is a lifesaver when you need a change of scenery. Local Facebook mum groups or the Mush app are good places to find out what's on in your area.

Thank you all so much for your advice. I have spoken to my husband and although hrs obviously disappointed he says he wasn't actually that surprised. We hadn't realised but he was sort of putting a bit of pressure on me to bond quicker without realising it (talking to the baby and saying things like 'you're the centre of your mum's world', 'your mum loves you more than anything' etc) which was making me feel worse because, well, it's not true. Yet. We have also arranged for my sister who has a few days off next week to watch her for a couple of hours so i can get my hair cut and have a wander round some shops for bits to make the house a bit nicer without her which has given me something to look forward to. If there's one thing I've taken from the replies it's that this seems more normal than I expected. I always imagined pnd as being this manic, constant crying thing rather than a sort of numbness but it seems it can take many forms.

I will call my health visitor on Monday and take her up on those extra visits if she's still able to offer them. Unfortunately I wasn't able to cancel my weekend plans but i do feel a bit better feeling like I have more of an action plan in place.
Thank you so much

I'm so glad

Definitely not too late to call your GP or HV and ask for some extra support. Small babies are relentless!

I’m so pleased that you’ve found the courage to speak to your DH and I’m also pleased that your DSister is helping out and you have something to look forward to.