Meh

[Unsureandtired]

Hi all, namechanged for this one as I stupidly thought I was over this and it's clear I'm not and I'm too embarrassed and ashamed to admit it.
Dd is 13 weeks old. Hooray, I thought as she reached 12 weeks. This is the magical age when she starts doing cute stuff and this overwhelming 'meh' feeling I have towards her goes. Well, shit. Nothings changed. I still just feel meh. My husband has had this week off work and I've just palmed her onto him as much as I can under the guise of 'she's your baby too, why don't you enjoy her before you go back to work?' But secretly it's because I just totally can't be bothered. We've just moved house, there are a million things we didn't realise needed doing (dodgy electrics, faulty plumbing) so the house is a tip and I'm resenting the baby for taking up my time when I should be fixing it. Everyone who comes over thinks she's adorable and objectively I can see that she is, so why don't I feel this instinctive protectiveness, this overwhelming mothers love? I feel like an outsider looking into my own life, totally removed from it. Husband goes back to work on Monday and I'm dreading another week of mind numbing going through the motions of being a mum. What is wrong with me? I've told everyone I'm fine and loving it. I struggled at the start, it will break my husband's heart if I tell him I'm not improving after he thinks I've been getting better for weeks. I told my health visitor that I was doing well when she offered me extra visits. Why did I do that?! I was literally offered more support and I turned it down. What a fucking stupid idiot i am. Trapped for the next 18 years

I think I'd have felt like you. In France you'd now be going back to work after maternity leave so I think it's normal.

Glad to hear that. You may have PND. You may be experiencing the ‘god newborns are dull’ and ‘wtf have I done with my life’ feeling. It does get better as they get more interactive. I found that once we were in a routine and we ‘did’ things it got better.

Also I much prefer toddlers to babies. They learn new stuff at an amazing rate. Babies do too but in a less obvious way (‘hey look I have been swiping my right arm in the air but today it’s less jerky than yesterday’ is considerably less exciting than say DS2 who learned to say ‘ready steady go’ or rather ‘eddy deddy doh’ and spent the entire afternoon saying it and running up and down the living room).

I find newborns dull and I breastfed both. But second time around I had less expectations. So I would put on a podcast and just walk and feel like I was using my brain. I have also always talked to newborns as adults. DS2 has a fine grasp of Middle Eastern politics at 6 months. Finally I break down the day into chunks and plan stuff. Including some nursery rhymes, some stories, toy waving and grabbing etc. Then walk around the block. It always made it more bearable when the days were endlessly long. And yes with DS1 everyone especially MIL found him oh so cute and I was like ‘objectively he’s okay but he’s not that amazing- he’s a bog standard baby.’ He’s now a pretty amazing six year old though who has just made me some scrambled egg for breakfast and told me how when he sleeps his willy gets all big. 🤦🏽‍♀️ So yep they do get more interesting as they get older!

I started to enjoy my son when he turned 10m. Before that was just a boring daily slog. I also didn't feel any rush of love to begin with but he is now 2 years old and I wouldn't be without him. It gets better OP.

Babies are crap. The only reason people go giddy over other people's is because they don't have to deal with the nappies, fussing and sleepless nights. PND is also crap. What you have described I felt with both of mine. Ask for help. Talk about how you're feeling and take each day as it comes. There will be a time when you look back on this and realise your feelings have completely changed. Be kind to yourself OP.

OP I totally sympathise and relate

My DS is 5 months old now and I only feel like things have clicked for me this past month, he's now at the stage where he's slightly more predictable, has a bit of a routine and is more of a little person to interact with - it feels like you get something back.

I have been a wreck up until now - its such a big life change, you suddenly have no time for you, no time to sort the house out, no time to just relax. It takes some adjustment and support is invaluable during this time (I was one of those - I don't need any help, I've got this types up until I had a baby) you need breaks and time to digest the change. You also need to be kind to yourself during this time, do not feel guilt for the way you are feeling.

As others have said, I'd speak to your DP and your HV, be honest and open and accept some help - it'll lift a weight off your shoulders.

I felt like you, and I never discussed my full feelings about my baby with anyone but my husband, because I knew people would say I had PND - the only other option was that I was a monster that obviously didn't love my child 😬

I felt nothing more than a basic desire to keep him alive, until about 4 months. By 6 months, I was like, ok yes, you're pretty damn cute.

Now at 7 months, I still look at him often and think, you're amazing, but god I wish I could go back to work right now, and only see you evenings and weekends like my husband does.

When people ask if it's the best time of my life, I smile and nod, whilst secretly thinking God no, babies are dull, and I was so much happier when I was well rested, working, having frequent sex, going out, earning good money, travelling etc - who wouldn't be...?!

I'm very sure now that I'm not depressed, nor am I a monster. And I love my child. But being at home and going to groups and talking about babies etc. is just not my thing. And that's ok, because one day all the things I miss will come back! And then I'll have all of them, plus a super cool little boy!

Only you can know whether or not it's PND or if you're just not a Baby person. just because it's not the greatest thing that ever ever happened to you, does not mean you're depressed. However, feeling detached from your baby can be a sign of PND. Time for some soul searching and a chat with someone you trust perhaps.
Good luck