I want to run away!

[Fedupmum2]

I'm at my wits end with my DS. He's 17 months old and I feel like I've failed massively as a mum as he hasn't weaned yet.
I only just managed to get him off milk and onto baby jars of food at around 13 months and now he's stuck on the jars and refuses to eat any finger food I make or any other stuff I blend up that hasn't come out of a jar!
He still drinks both water and milk from a bottle, has a meltdown if I even try to introduce the sippy cup.

And he hasn't said his first word yet. All these things are massively stressing me out as he's not an easy child. My entire day is filled from start to finish with tantrums, whingeing and crying.

There's not a single thing I can do with him that doesn't cause a massive meltdown. Changing his nappy results in thrashing and screaming. Giving him a bath = the same. When taking him out to the park or out anywhere for that matter, the fun is short lived as he inevitably will end up on the floor kicking and screaming.

He has no understanding of anything I say either so I can't distract him well or calm him down easily.

I've spoken to a HV and she said to get him off the baby jars ASAP as him not using his muscles in his mouth to chew proper food could be causing him to not be able to speak yet.

I feel like there is so much pressure on me to transition him to the place he's meant to be for his age but I'm struggling so much and nothing works. It all just ends in a screaming nightmare.

I am so fed up of it all. I have no family who can help me, my partner is at work long hours 6 days a week so doesn't offer much input as he's never around to help with anything.

I can't afford to send DS to a nursery which I thought might help if he's around other children so I try to take him to a baby group once a week but I can't face it any more because I'm so fed up of being the only mum there whose child is constantly having tantrum after tantrum.

I don't know where I've gone so wrong with him. I feel like such a failure as he can't do these things that all other children seem to have moved onto quite easily.

I hate getting up in the mornings to face another day of it. I feel burnt out and desperately need either a break from it or some advice on what I can do.

Ok, firstly you're not failing at all. Not even close. There are things you'd like to change, but that's not the end of the world.

Next, regarding a break, is it possible for your partner to take some annual leave to spend some time with you and your DS?

With the food, will he eat food that you put in a jar that's actually home made? I wonder if he associates the jar with food and is unsure about other ways of presenting food.

I'd do messy play with food at times other than mealtimes. So put a waterproof sheet down (shower curtains can work well) and put different foods around him and let him do what he wants.

At meal times, put a plate with finger food on in front of him and don't make any fuss about it. Just leave it there every meal time, whether he touches it or not. Have a plate with the same food on for yourself and eat it alongside him.

What would happen if you always put a sippy cup out at mealtimes, as well as his usual bottle?

With the talking, I wouldn't be too worried about not saying a word yet. Does he babble and make talking-like noises?

Thank you, I'm probably being overly emotional and dramatic due to lack of sleep and stress.

Situation with my partners annual leave is complicated so he has less than the usual but he is taking 3 days off next month to spend with us. Unfortunately DS is very unsettled with his dad, I think because he's with me all the time so he just screams for me constantly if he knows I'm in the house. But it will be alright if I go out and have some time to myself during the day. It's just reaching that point, it seems so far away.

I thought that too about him associating jar's with his food and have tried making my own food and putting it in the jar's and it does work some times but if it's too thick or too lumpy he won't eat it and meltsdown.

I've been leaving a plate of finger foods on his highchair and on a table he can reach during the day. It's hit and miss. On occasion if he's in a good mood he'll eat a slice of toast or have a few bits of pasta but probably 80% of the time he gets angry as soon as he sees the food and throws it all on the.floor.

The same with the sippy cup, I leave it around for him to use as he likes but he'll just insist on the bottle anyway.

I think it's just the extreme tantrums that are getting me down the most. I feel like they are linked to the fact that he doesn't eat properly and is hungry a lot of the time so his behaviour is worse but as I can't get him to eat it just goes in circles.

He's been very difficult from the start. He had colic and reflux as a baby and screamed all day and night then. I remember thinking it'll get better once he's over a year but if anything its gotten worse as at 11 months he started walking and the tantrums started.

I just feel trapped in a negative mess and I'm sad that I haven't enjoyed much of his life so far. I feel like I've missed out on so many positive experiences and I'm scared that if things don't get better I'll feel like this for his entire childhood.

You poor thing! You don't sound like a failure at all to me. Fuck the HV. How many children have you met who didn't talk due to being given babyjars? I haven't met any and I've met a LOT of children.

If I were in your shoes I would tackle one thing at a time. I'd start with breakfast as i find (mum of 3 btw) that food issues are always best tackled when dc are as rested as possible. I'd only give finger food for breakfast. No jars. No matter how much shouting. I'd let him have water in a bottle though, otherwise it might all be too much of a challenge at once. And really, no one has died from using a baby bottle, have they.

Then I would do whatever it takes to book an afternoon of something- anything - nice for you. Even just a coffee and window shopping without Ds. You need to look after yourself. You're no use to Ds if you don't

And, in case not clear, I'd let him have jars for lunch and tea until breakfast is sorted. I am a die-had blw fan, but I think you need a gentle transition for both your sakes. Good luck op

It's funny you should say that as I find breakfast the hardest time to give him finger foods cos he's usually so hungry at that point that he is in such a bad mood he won't eat anything other than his smooth jars of stuff.
I don't know, it's so difficult. I've lost all sense of what I'm doing to be honest.
Hopefully itll change at some stage.

Will you qualify for nursery hours when he's 2?

I'd be making a gp appointment and pushing to see someone ..I've had 4 kids ,2 with autism....I'm not saying yours has autism ,not at all.just saying when little ones don't progress as expected,it's always best to get a professional opinion x

Maybe try some really sweet foods as finger foods to tempt him, as a dessert perhaps. Some chopped strawberries, banana, a bit of cake? I know it's not necessarily the healthiest suggestion but if it got him started it might be worth it?

Oh OP, I know it's really hard but please try not to fret about the food issue too much. All babies are different and it can be so disheartening when you see other babies (and their parents) glide through certain stages with ease whilst you have to fight so hard to make any progress. You are not failing at all and are in fact doing a great job, but you are unlucky in the sense that your baby is harder to wean than the vast majority of babies. It's not your fault, you haven't done anything to make this happen so please don't blame yourself. I had babies that were very easy to wean but they simply would not sleep well no matter what I did. Like you, I compared myself to other parents and their babies, but now I can see with hindsight that those other parents had mostly just won the good sleepers lottery and I hadn't. I honestly think the same goes with weaning, breastfeeding etc in that some babies just seem to naturally pick it up with little effort whilst others don't so please don't think that it's somehow your fault.

In terms of pratical advice, I'm not sure I have a lot to offer. Have you tried going back to basics and just doing Stage 1 type foods e.g. plain Sweet potato, banana etc but making each serving progressively thicker/more chunky?

I have been thinking about making an appointment with the GP as autism has crossed my mind before with the way he is, but he has seen a pediatrician this month regarding his reflux and when I mentioned some of my concerns he didn't seem too worried and just referred for a hearing test.

Thank you Bumper, your post made me feel a bit better. I think I'm just down at the minute so everything seems bleak. I think tomorrow I'll try going back to basics with him and building it up in terms of his food.

As for the free childcare, I don't think I qualify until DS is 3 but I'm not 100% on that.

I just wanted to offer some sympathies to you OP

My son is 10 months old and weaning is becoming a nightmare and I’ve regularly been in tears over it. I also think I’m failing him because I can’t achiebe what every other mothers Serbs to have achieved which is a baby who gobbles down 3 meals a day as well as snacks.

I dread every meal time, every day.
It’s hard.

People keep telling me it can be normal and not to stress over it but that’s easier said than done. The dread and disappointment surrounding mealtimes definitely casts a shadow over my day.

I think a hearing test is a really good idea.
I agree that making one small change at a time is important. Pick whatever is the easiest meal time to offer some finger foods. You may need to allow a couple of weeks at least before moving on to make another small change.
Reduce other stimuli. Dont have too much going on in the background like radio or TV. Talk to him gently explaing what is going on. Little children usually understand before they can speak.
How is his sleep? Could he be overtired?
If he struggles in busy groups, maybe he would be happier just pootling in the local park.
It is hard work.

I find that my ds gets really hangry 😳

So I try and start mealtimes about 20 mins earlier, so he's in his high chair and happy - a bit hungry, but not starving. He's usually more open to the idea of new foods

I try:
Cheese cut into sticks (size of carrot sticks)
Cucumber
Watermelon/normal melon
Toast (cut into strips) with butter/pate/soft cheese/avocado -ie anything mushy!
Scrambled eggs is a bit hit: I bake it in the microwave, mix up a egg with about 100ml of milk, heat for 30s, then stir, heat again etc until cooked, leave to cool, and then give in a spoon or just on their tray
Apple pieces - he just sucks them and might chew a few bits off
Mashed potato/shepherds pie
Banana

I agree with person who said sit with your dc and eat exactly the same stuff - without making a fuss
Offer some of yours, and if refused, just eat it slowly and keep saying 'yum yum', they soon get the idea that it's tasty!

It will take time!

Also, I know i might be flamed, but I find my ds is easier to tempt to eat if he's distracted with music playing, or with the tv on, I put something like a nature programme or nursery rhymes, so not something manic and loud!

It will take time, and be prepared for 95% of what you make to end up on the floor!! This will happen for a few weeks until your dc gets the hang of it! A shower curtain is a great idea, then just scoop it up and deposit the contents in the bin!

You're not alone, all my dcs have been tricky to wean! xx

Make, not bake 🙈

Don't worry about the talking. He's much too young to be saying anything really. My dgs was 3 and a half before he really started. Now he's 5 and he can talk the hind leg off a donkey! Likewise eating. so many babies are fussy about food (including the dgs!) We like them to eat a wide variety of food but they often just want to. So long as he's still drinking milk and eating baby food, he's getting all the nutrients he needs. He'll get there eventually!

don't want to.

Just sending hugs. I have three. First was a nightmare baby and now the most delightful four year old I've ever met... I know I'm biased but this kid had me pulling my hair out, completely chaotic, tantrums, not at all tactile and when we went to Toddler group he was THAT kid...
He changed when we had our second. It was like a switch flipped overnight. Although I'm totally not advocating a second kid right now... she was unplanned and it could have gone disastrously wrong!

She was a dream baby. Text book. Now she's in the nightmare stage, and her younger sister copies!! Gah!!!

See the gp for extra support but please take comfort that we all want to run sometimes xx

Thank you everyone for your messages and kind words. It's made me feel better to come back and read these messages and feel a bit more positive.

I think I'm going to keep on with the finger foods before the jars/along side the jars rather than trying to cut out the jars completely and force the foods as this just causes world war 3 in my house and I can't cope with that right now!

I know every child is different but it makes sense what someone said about the lottery, it seems I've just gotten a child that's more difficult in areas than the other mums I know. Oh well, hopefully things will change at some stage and I can start to enjoy him!
I did want a second DC but I'm not so sure any more , will probably wait a good few more years now.
Thanks again.

Yes absolutely do both types of food. I used to put finger foods on the high chair tray and spoon the squished food in while they were exploring the finger food. Win win. Meal times should be a happy time not a battle.

Hiya. I would get him checked out by your doctor. This isn't typical behavior at 17 months. I have a very fussy child who would rather starve than eat if he felt like it but he wasn't like this. he is 3 now and is much less fussy but just not motivated by food.

I don't really know what I'd say to the doctor. I have been multiple times in the past mostly over him having reflux so constantly vomiting and the crying all the time but as he's gotten older I've mentioned concerns about his behaviour not being typical ie, not being able to change his nappy, bath him, brush his teeth etc without him having an extreme meltdown.

But the doctors have never really seemed interested and have just told me to talk to the health visitors about that kind of thing.
I just get the impression they think I'm a overly worried first time mum and that I'm the cause of his behaviour (both things may be true, I am extremely anxious since I've had him so perhaps he picks up on it and it affects him) so I'm reluctant to go back again.

Today I took DS to the park and within 30 seconds of taking him out of his pushchair he was rolling around on the floor kicking and screaming in fits of anger. No idea what set him off but it's like that all the time. It gets exhausting.

What is his sleep like? Does he nap during the day?

What you describe in the park could be tiredness. What happens if you leave him to have his tantrum - does he get himself out of it in the end? Is there anything you can do to make him laugh to distract him out of it?

He shouldn't really be talking yet.

DS had a bottle till he was 2.5! Only in the house though haha.

Try him with chopped fruit, cheese, scrambled eggs. DS was a purée fiend too.

My daughter was EXACTLY like this. She was diagnosed with sensory processing difficulties when she was 3. I'm not saying your son necessarily has that but he may be sensitive and some stratergies for SPD may help..? It's just that the meltdowns over food, baths, teeth etc are all things that sensory kids really struggle with. Was it very sunny where you were today? My DD hates the sun and wears shades all year round.

I wouldn't bother with GP at this stage because it could be totally normal toddler behaviour. If you have concerns do raise it with the HV so it is logged for the future.

A really helpful book is The Out of Sync Child. See if it rings any bells for you x