Split parents, what is best for the child

[Millersdad]

My partner and I have recently split, and it is a permanent split. I would take my boy all of the time, but I know that is unlikely at the moment or in the future. I have proposed taking him 3 and a half days a week, but his mum has stated that whilst she is not opposed to this, she has taken advice and according to her, it will be bad for his development. Assuming both parents are good, would splitting a child's care 50/50 be disruptive to his development. He is 2 yrs old.

I would love to hear from people who have experienced this, as well as the theoretical views.

Millersdad

Get a solicitor and go through courts. You should be able to fight for 50%. If you guys live close, and splitting the week evenly won't be harmful to him at all!

We do 50:50 although dd is older but seems to work for her and us. And then over school hols we tend to do a week at a time as it allows getting away on hols etc. But we live close by and she basically has duplicates of everything such as electric toothbrush, bike, roller skates, favourite games etc so there is never any back packing ready to move, so hopefully she doesn't find it too unsettling. I would I,shine lots of packing and unpacking could deep like living out of a suitcase permanently

I shine = imagine

Did you do 50% of childcare when you were together? If so, keeping the status quo is probably ideal, to limit disruption for your child.

It should start from 50:50 and work from there. Contact is for the child, not for the parents. I’m not sure how regular contact with a loving father is bad for a child’s development? No reason at all that it can’t be split 50:50. Is it really ‘bad’ for the child or the fact the mother doesn’t want it?

My OH had to fight his EW for contact through the courts for contact (she used the children as weapons against him). I see first hand the damage that contact does to children when they are only ‘allowed’ to see their dad everyother weekend.

Good luck.

Definetly push for 50:50, however if one of you is working and the other isnt, and would happily keep the dc those days, then thatd be better for them than childcare.

And I have seen first hand the damage that has been done by a father demanding 50:50 through the family courts when neither his DC nor I wanted that. Funnily enough driven by money and the desire to not pay maintenance, the father was never stopped from contact, ever

The DC have no one place to call home where they see friends and can chill. They are unsettled, I hope to god that it does not impact them in their adult life. But by then any professional involved in the decisions have long moved on and remain utterly unaccountable. Whereas I will still as their mum be picking up the pieces.

My advice? Focus on strong, quality co-parenting. That means that you respect the mother of your child. There was a thread on here earlier today where someone posted the very essence of good co-parenting. It included good communication and respect. I was envious,. I wanted nothing more after the breakdown of my marriage to have been able to have had a good co parenting relationship. It cannot be one sided. If the other parent won't cooperate then it either becomes dominant one wins or one parent walks away. Sad outcome for the child,

It needs to be based on the current arrangements (who does what care) and develop in line with that. Two years old is very small, so if mum is the main carer, contact should be built up. It may be little and often is best at first, building up to overnights.

What is best for the child is that the parents work together in his best interests. This is not achieved by going straight to court or 50:50 if you were not doing half the parenting previously. If you were doing half the care, then keeping that routine is obviously best.

Thus, no-one here can advise because it depends on what care you have done before, what your child is used to and so on, at the individual level of your child and how they react to things. It is about the child’s best interests, not a generic formula.

What is the arrangement now? If you both work similar hours, happy to commit to staying in your current area and are equally involved with the kids, 50/50 could be the answer.

I know families that do 50/50 and the children are happy and well-adjusted. The parents are able to be amicable and pass on messages and they both live close enough to school that the kids can easily go there. These are families where the parents are self-employed/part-time so both parents can be actively involved with the kids.

I agree that it entirely depends on what the arrangement is now. If you do 50% already then absolutely push for that to continue as it will be in the best interests of the child I imagine. However if you currently only do 20% then suddenly leaping to 50% could be very unsettling to the child. In that case I would suggest a gradual increase.

There are a number of studies out there stating that 50:50 custody does not work in the best interests of the child.

The exceptions to this are studies that included parents that did not have a difficult divorce, lived close by , where still on friendly term, communicated frequently, knew how to coparent well and had a clear structured routine in place that didnt fluctuate.

This requires a level of commitment that a lot of people find difficult to establish in the early stages of seperation when emotions are running high.

When its enforced through the courts against the wishes of one parent it can prove difficult for all concerned.

So in answer I think it depends entirely on your relationship as parents.

Could you just do weekends?
I think mid week disruption, particularly during term time isn’t great.
I had a friend who moved out the family home for half the week so the parents did the moving about and the child stated put. Not ideal but it looked like a good plan.

There are a number of studies out there stating that 50:50 custody does not work in the best interests of the child

The child is just 2years old, I have a 2year old and if me and my dh were to split he would not respond well to being away from me for such a large amount of time tbh ( he doesn’t like it when I go out and will cry) I don’t think my 4year old would manage it. However I do the minority of the looking after. You need to look at this op with an open mind not what other posters tell you but honestly what is the benefit for the child and how they would cope. Please remember they’re current set up has altered so they are currently adjusting to the recent changes in their lives.

This depends on if the child's parents can listen to each other and parent in a similar way.
Keep bed time routine, for example.

So many children are distrusted in the minor details rather than the time they spend with their parents.

Agree to

Same wake up
Same bed time
Same drop off or pick up for nursery
Keep it simple

Save the arguments for more important things

Developmental it would not be good for my two year old.

Thank you so much for your insight

Cheers Boris

Yes. We did. Thank you for helping

Thanks Northern

Hi Nap, both working. My parents do two days childcare and he is on nursery two days (which I pay for).

Thank you for posting, that means a lot to me and you have changed my view. Very much appreciated

My son is a bit older, at 4, but while his dad now lives very close by, which DS is very happy about, he is adamant that he will visit his dad but then come home again, he doesn’t want to leave toys there etc. He got very upset at the prospect of spending a night there. I think consistency between parents is key, being as flexible as possible, and keeping things amicable.

If you both work similar hours and your son is at nursery, then maybe a 50/50 split is not unrealistic logistically. If one of you is the main parent, even if that isn’t you, I would accept that. I would find it incredibly unsettling as an adult to live between homes, and all the small children I know seem to thrive on predictability.

I also think that money shouldn’t come into it at all. What is best for your child should be your priority, not who is paying for them.

Hi, I think a large part of the disruption is having two homes. Think how you feel when you are away for a week and how nice it is to come home to your own bed. Think how a child of two who has no concept of tomorrow or yesterday or length of time, would feel.
I would say postphone overnight care until you can really explain to your child how long they will be spending in one place and then the other. I know some people would disagree but I know how my child has coped on holiday, or going out for the day and then being relieved to come home and relax.
Agree about keeping essential routine the same.
I co-parent, but it's very unusual in that we are great friends. My DD is 3. He doesn't have her overnight, but he has stayed here in the spare room sometimes, he comes twice a week (his days off) and either takes her out for the day or just hangs at home while I go out or I stay and we chat. I have been on holiday and he has come here and done the care for 10 days. She missed me and wanted me home several times, but we skyped and they counted the days down on the calendar (why can't we make that day happen NOW? she said).
Like people have said, the contact is for the child, so the least disruption you can make in their lives, the better.

I would agree that it depends how involved you are now, I have a less than 2 year old and am currently away for a week with work, it’s my 4th or 5th trip since he was one (getting gradually longer) he misses me but is just as happy with his dad as he would be with me but without his dad. In our situation I think 50:50 would work, as long as as others have said routine was consistent and he had two ‘homes’ not living out of a backpack. If you’ve never done bath time or bed time, can’t agree on a parenting style or routine and aren’t able to create that 2nd home feeling close enough to stay at the same nursery etc then it doesn’t seem like it would be good for the child.