Split parents, what is best for the child

[Millersdad]

My partner and I have recently split, and it is a permanent split. I would take my boy all of the time, but I know that is unlikely at the moment or in the future. I have proposed taking him 3 and a half days a week, but his mum has stated that whilst she is not opposed to this, she has taken advice and according to her, it will be bad for his development. Assuming both parents are good, would splitting a child's care 50/50 be disruptive to his development. He is 2 yrs old.

I would love to hear from people who have experienced this, as well as the theoretical views.

Millersdad

I was going to say that research has shown 50:50 isn't good for young children but I've been beaten to it. Personally, I think it's important a child feels they have a proper home and aren't constantly moving from one place to the other. I think 50:50 can work with children who are older and have been used to having both parents around equally.

My experience of an abusive and manipulative ex has probably influenced my feelings. He has never been in my DCs life anything like 50% of the time but I do worry that once the more difficult stage where they need a lot of supervision and looking after has passed, he will push for 50:50 to avoid maintenance. I know my DC would be desperately unhappy in that situation and I'm concerned that it could be awarded by the courts.

The Pre break arrangements were 50/50. Though it was broken up throughout the week. I have suggested a simpler 50/50 of Sat to Tuesday, Wed to Sat. I thought it would be less disruptive for wee fella, and less conflict for parents. But seeking other views.

I think you need an arrangement where you get a full weekend at least at some point to allow you to go places and see people.

Thank you Nellie. You have taught me an important lesson. I’m angry at other half, her behaviour has been disgraceful for sometime, I will now learn to forgive that and focus on our relationship as, hopefully, good parents.

It makes me sad when reading some of these replies...'fight for', 'push', 'court'. Really, there is no need for all of that. Having been through the process I would recommend putting your child's needs at the heart of every single decision, not an adult ego. If you can have amicable co-parenting relationship, that is honestly the very best thing for your child. 2 is very young for split homes. I would try to very sensitively negotiate around how your child copes. And yes, probably similar percentages of time that the child is accustomed to is probably a good place to start. As he gets older, he will need his daddy more.

Yes there are studies which say 50/50 is bad. There are also studies which say it's the best option for children. Very much depends who is doing the study...

You both work full time, why not give this a go? Seems like a good a starting point as any. You can always review the situation after a few months if it seems like it doesn't work for your kid.

This website has some suggested contact schedules - have a look and see if & your ex can agree on one.

www.custodyxchange.com/examples/schedules/50-50/

2boysDad actually if you look at the research its not who does the studies its the sample used. As mentioned those studies which show its successfull note that it depends on how the parents operate within the framework.

Millersdad seperation when kids are involved is hard. The only way to do it well is to deal with then end of the relationship and your role as a parent as to exclusive entities that dont interact.

I’m angry at other half, her behaviour has been disgraceful for sometime

That really stood out for me that statement, is this result about punishing you’re ex? When me and my ex split up ds was a baby he wanted 50/50 even though I did the majority of the work, he was happy to have his mother have him whilst he went to work and carry his normal lifestyle and avoiding maintenance. He soon realised having ds on his own he wouldn’t be able to cope on his own 50% nor would it have been for ds benefit. Everything is civilised now ds sees his df every weekend with two other nights and in the holidays. They have a close relationship.

If you try to see your wife's point of view and put aside your anger you might find that she is more likely to work supportively with you as well.

I think 2 years old is very very little to be away from their mother half the time. SUrely at this age smaller periods of time visiting you will be better?

then - if you have a good working relationship with your ex - as the child gets older you could increase your contact time.

I think a child of that age needs a single home not constantly shifting between two places and going days without seeing mum.

would your ex allow you to pop in and do bedtime for exmple if you gave up the 50/50 idea for now.

I worry about your comment where you said 'I would have him all the time' - this isn't about you - it's about your child. Do you acknowledge that would be incredibly bad for your child?

I split with ex when ds was 2 and we did 50:50 from outset. Ds is now 8 and the happiest, chilled, settled child. He loves his time with both of us.
Me and ex are very good friends though and always put ds first.
We wouldn't have split it any other way.

I think 2 years old is very very little to be away from their mother half the time

It's also a long time for them to be away from the father half the time.

What's the difference?

I guess the poster means it is too long to be away from the primary carer.