Handling 6 year olds 'self pity'

[Chipmunk72]

Hi everyone..this is my first post on her so please forgive any mistakes. Last night my 6 year old was calling me two hours after his bedtime. This rarely happens so I go in and find him crying - he tells me he wants to go back in time a do all the fun things he used to do!! I spend 10 minutes explaining that there are many more fun things to do in future and all those good memories are still with him. He settles down, we talked about it again this morning and he seems fine.

However...my partner was then angry with me saying I indulge my son's self pity and I should have been cross that my son called me to his room 2 hours after bedtime (the only reasons he thinks this is okay are sickness or being afraid or something). I should have shut the conversation down immediately saying we can talk about it in the morning, but not when he should be sleeping...and that is what 99% of parents would have done.

So - I'm hoping to get some views on if there is a better way to handle this? I don't want to make it okay for my son to wallow in self pity, but I don't want him to bottle up his feelings either, and think that I don't care or don't want to know...

Thanks...

PS. To be clear - if my son is crying at night I will always go in an find out what's wrong...I cannot think of a situation where I would leave him to cry it out on his own.

He's a 6 year old child! Your partner is BVU.

You did what most (any?) normal parent would have done.

I would have done the same, I couldn't stand thinking of my child so upset when I could make him feel better.

This is not about self pity. That is not a kid pitying himself; he’s working out big concepts like time and growing up and how things change.

Well done you for talking with him and letting him know he can tell you when he’s worried, whatever it is.

If it becomes a habit and you sense he’s calling you into his bedroom just because he’s enjoying the novelty of staying up and chatting then I can see how you might want to shut that down and have a rule about talking in the morning and no talking at night.

But an occasional occurrence is surely fine if you are fine with it, and those odd little late evening chats can sometimes be the sweetest times (especially if you have other kids and one on one time is hard to come by).

I'm assuming your partner is not your DS's father? Does he have DCs of his own?

Your DS is growing up - at this age they also begin to get a sense of death too, which can be really scary. He is beginning to understand the concept of future life and he's just adjusting. All of this is totally normal.

FWIW you did exactly what I would have done! You can't leave a child alone, crying and scared.

You did what any ‘normal’, half decent parent would have done.

Why are you calling it ‘self pity’? He was upset at no longer doing some things he used to do (what were they?) and realising his life has changed/he’s expected to be more ‘grown up’ or responsible or whatever. He’s allowed to be sad about that, as we all are, at different times in our lives. It’s not like he was complaining about not getting a toy he thought he should have for his birthday or complaining that he’s never allowed to have the biggest piece of cake when he had a good sized piece...< that’s ‘self pity’

You said your DS rarely calls for you once he’s in bed, so why was your DH angry? I can understand someone saying ‘I wouldn’t have discussed it tonight, I’d have told him to go to sleep and we can discuss it tomorrow’ (I wouldn’t agree with them, but I could understand it). What other situations does he think you ‘indulge his self pity’? To me, this is no different than being scared of a noise or a monster under the bed, he was scared...scared his life is changing and wanted some reassurance from his Mum. It was 10 minutes, what’s the big deal? Why was DH angry?

...and no, you should never leave a child to cry it out alone, that’s just bloody heartless.

I just assumed he was DS’s Dad. If he’s not, get rid of the twat.

Does your partner often compete with your son for your attention?
Is he your son's dad?

Thank you mums - I appreciate this. Its reassured me that I should
trust my own judgement but am a little exhausted atm as I'm starting my own business from home while in the middle of redecorating almost every room in the house! So it's great to have your feedback.

Yes, my partner is not DS's father - although I've remained good friends with his Dad and they see each other almost every weekend. My partner had a terrible, abusive upbringing so, while I respect his views and take them on board - I will bring up my son how I think is best... :-)

You reassured your 6 year old and give him a perspective on a tough concept for a child his age which he understood and as a consequence stopped him worrying. That's good parenting.

Your partner however needs to find some perspective and stop being a nob.

Has your son’s sense of fun shifted since you met your partner? I’m assuming your partner is not the dad.

If my kids are upset or exploring big concepts like the passing of time and the changing of their roles in the world, they would not only call out to me, they’d come in my bed and snuggle up back that sleep with me. Your partner would really hate they.

It breaks my heart that you’ve called your son’s touching moment of reaching out to you ‘self pity’. I hope you nip your partner’s rubbish in the bud and continue to nurture and ‘indulge’ your son.

Cross post. It was very obvious the partner was not the dad. No dad could have such heartless expectations. Be careful, he clearly sees your son as competition for your attention.

Does your partner live with you full-time OP? If so I would take this as a perhaps a bit of a pink hankie rather than a red flag at this stage. If he's had a terrible, abusive upbringing you may find yourself in other, similar situations where your DP just doesn't have the experience or knowledge to parent well and you will need to be firm.

Your partner's behaviour is a red flag. I would seriously consider ending this relationship, or at least having a very long hard think about his role in your life.
Does your son like him?
Do they enjoy each other's company?
Do you feel obliged to tolerate poor behaviour from your partner because of his unhappy childhood?
Does he often get angry about your parenting decisions?

Bless his heart op. He is working out huge concepts of aging and time and how his life will change. That can cause anxiety in children and 6/7 is prime age for these emotions and feelings to start. And yes it cant wait until morning. Imagine being 6 and sad or worried and having to wait in your room all alone all night to talk to your mother :(. Your partner is unreasonable and you need to watch out because children dont fall into a bracket of : they can only be dealt with on these 2 reasons and nothing else. Hope ds feels better today and has lots of fun things to do.

chipmonk I think this has already set little alarm bells off for you to be questioning it on here.

I’d bring the subject up again to your partner and tell him that whilst he is entitled to his opinions not to get involved in the care you give your son.

Have an honest think back and see if there have been any changes in your sons life since you have got with your partner and if it’s had a negative affect on him. It normally takes a lot for a child to articulate if they are unhappy, have a think of this is just six year old worries or someone who’s unhappy trying to tell their mum

You did the right thing. Age six, seven and eight is a time of huge change for boys and they still very much need us. There's a good section in Steve Biddulph's book about it. It can be frustrating and tiring but all kids need is our love and attention, and it sounds like you're doing an excellent job

@TwitterQueen1 - yes my partner does live with us full time, but I made it very clear before he moved in (and a few times since then) that DS will always be my priority. This is definitely a 'pink hankie' moment though...

@Snotgoblin - sadly my son was never interested in climbing into my bed whatever the situation...this was true when his Dad and I were together and when it was just the two of us. I pull a mattress and sleeping bag into his room instead...! He still has a strong sense of fun and enjoys life though...I think this was just about change and growing up.

I always comfort our little ones even if they are being a bit silly. There is nothing worse than lying awake at night time with your cogs ticking thinking stuff over and not being able to fall asleep. Ignore your oh.

Just read he's not your ds dad. Tough luck for him, you get full say on how to parent him. I'd kick him out actually selfish twit.

I always comforted when little - but the whole teenage 'woe is me, my life is horrible, I hate...' is wearing a bit thin.

You are being an excellent parent. You are empathising and comforting and listening to him, not indulging his 'self pity'. Jesus Christ it is not you who is being unreasonable.

Good point about that being the age when you actually 'get' mortality. I still remember that dawning on me, age 7; that I was going to die one day. Hasn't happened yet 55 years later😀 ( crosses fingers, touches wood). Oh, I am a dad and would 100% have done what you did.

I had this, felt like a gaping hole inside me because I was getting older.

I got over it. Just teach him that it is life to get older and he will be able to do more fun things, different things, as he ages.

And it's not self pity, it's fear! Fear of being more responsible, of less cuddling and having to grow up. It is natural.