Handling 6 year olds 'self pity'

[Chipmunk72]

Hi everyone..this is my first post on her so please forgive any mistakes. Last night my 6 year old was calling me two hours after his bedtime. This rarely happens so I go in and find him crying - he tells me he wants to go back in time a do all the fun things he used to do!! I spend 10 minutes explaining that there are many more fun things to do in future and all those good memories are still with him. He settles down, we talked about it again this morning and he seems fine.

However...my partner was then angry with me saying I indulge my son's self pity and I should have been cross that my son called me to his room 2 hours after bedtime (the only reasons he thinks this is okay are sickness or being afraid or something). I should have shut the conversation down immediately saying we can talk about it in the morning, but not when he should be sleeping...and that is what 99% of parents would have done.

So - I'm hoping to get some views on if there is a better way to handle this? I don't want to make it okay for my son to wallow in self pity, but I don't want him to bottle up his feelings either, and think that I don't care or don't want to know...

Thanks...

PS. To be clear - if my son is crying at night I will always go in an find out what's wrong...I cannot think of a situation where I would leave him to cry it out on his own.

You sound like a lovely mum.

You sound like a warm, kind, caring mum. Trust your parenting instincts and ignore your partner.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts - I really appreciate it. To answer some of the questions from Whattheactualfuckmate and NeverlovedElvis... my partner and I have been together for coming on 3 years...we had some discussions early on as we were finding our feet a bit regarding his role in parenting but this is the first time in a long while that we've disagreed. DS does like him and enjoys his company. When DS has done something he's proud of (a picture, building some Lego etc) then he wants to show my partner what he's done and my partner gives him positive encouragement. I also make sure that his Dad has an active role too - reading to him, doing homework together at the weekends as well as the fun stuff...

Regarding feeling obliged to tolerate my partners decisions... I don't think so, although I guess it's hard to tell as I'm 'in it'. I am aware of how his background influences his decisions and try to be mindful of that...but my own decisions are grounded in my upbringing and I had a brilliant childhood with parents who just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary! If I disagree with his parenting views (or any views, actually) then I'll do my best to explain my point of view but I will do what I think is best. At the end of the day, my goal is not to have a relationship with a man at all cost, but to raise my son to be a happy, healthy, independent and well adjusted adult. :-)

@neighneigh - thanks for the book reco...I'll check that out.

Had your partner ever had any type of therapy regarding his upbringing?

From what you have said, his recent 'outburst' is not typical of his behaviour? I wonder if seeing your kind and considerate parenting is triggering some anger and distress over his own childhood.

If this is the case, some outside help may be beneficial. He will need to deal with his issues in a way that doesn't negatively affect your parenting or your relationship with your son.

However...my partner was then angry with me saying I indulge my son's self pity and I should have been cross that my son called me to his room 2 hours after bedtime (the only reasons he thinks this is okay are sickness or being afraid or something). I should have shut the conversation down immediately saying we can talk about it in the morning, but not when he should be sleeping...and that is what 99% of parents would have done

I really think you’re glossing over this.

I’m sorry your partner had such a terrible childhood, it’s very sad.

However, you have to think about your Son first, you second & your partner after that.

I feel that if he loved your DS he would appreciate & love the fact that you are loving & kind to your son, in deep contrast to his parents. Not to be angry and tell me you you were doing it wrong and 99% of parents would agree with him.

There’s an underlying jealously, a nastiness to his attitude that I wouldn’t tolerate.

It’s all very well saying ‘I’ll do what’s best anyway’ but his attitude is still present. He doesn’t see things the way you do. He has no place getting angry...he should be happy you are like this with your DS.

Watch that your DS isn’t appearing to get on with him & want to show him things etc, be careful that it’s not actually your DS trying very hard to be loved by him, to win his approval, to make you happy...