just needed to share...my niece has had 2 abortions in 6mths and it keeps making me cry...

[dancingtina]

Realise this might upset people and not even sure if this is the right place to post it but just needed to share how I was feeling with people who I think might understand my feelings.

I've got 2 beautiful kids, had 1 miscarriage and DD2 took 2 years to conceive. I have a friend who is desperate for a baby and her boyfriend isn't interested and another friend who has been told she's got fertility problems and she's just got divorced and all she can think about is time running out for her to meet someone and have a baby, if she is even able to...so quite a lot of baby stuff in my life (I'm 33 by the way)

Anywayyyy, my 19yr old niece got pregnant last year, didn't know who the father was and eventually after much humming and harring and I'll have it, I won't, yes I will, no I won't...decided to have an abortion. I was pregnant (exactly the same number of weeks as her at the time) and her decision had me in bits BUT I do consider myself to be pro-choice so tried not to dwell on it. I found out 2 weeks ago she is pregnant again with a different bloke and decided to have another abortion!!! I burst into tears when my MIL told me, it's like she is just 'flushing' babies away, just using abortion as a contraceptive. It upsets me so much when i think of my own heartbreak and joy over the miracle of a newborn baby and that i know so many women in their 30's who are desperate to have children.

All the family are upset and annoyed with her but are supporting her cos she's family and she's an adult and what else can you do? BUT I just can't stop thinking about it. I saw her today when I had my little 4mth old with me and I could hardly look at her, just wanted to scream 'look what you've thrown away' - it's like she doesn't even give it another thought.

I don't know what I want people to say other than I'm not a total nutcase for being this upset about it. My husband can't understand why it's got to me so much.

your niece has to do what is right for her. yes there are many women who wuold be angry at her decision as they have such difficulties havnig children, but that is not your nieces fault.

it may be a good time to speak to her about contraception and the facts of termination...as odd as it sounds some pro life literature (well chosen) can sometimes help bring it home to people just what it is that they have done. i know that it certainly made me question my own pro choice stance when i saw my first pro life site. (i am still very much pro choice but i feel i am now informed well enough to make sucha decision)

I do understand why this has upset you. I have a few friends who have had ivf and eventually given up. It is heartbreaking for them to see teenagers falling pregnant at the drop of a hat and being so irresponsible about the miracle of life that they are carrying.

At the end of the day though, I am pro-choice so like you I would try to accept her decision. Perhaps you should try to stay out of her way for a couple of months.

I'd stay out of it.

I walked out on an otherwise good marriage, a financially stable life, and even an entire country for the chance, just the chance, to meet someone who wanted kids. It could never have happened, I didn't know and I accepted that, even then.

I was 31.

MY choice, my lookout, my bad.

I am not someone else.

So many women in their 30s. They weren't me.

I will support a woman's choice over her own reproduction till the day I die regardless of what happens in my life.

I think I'd play it cool in your situation. Maybe casually mention contraception and STIs.

how do you know she wasn't using contraception and it didn't work? my mum got pregnant 6 times on the pill. nothings 100% effective. she could be overfertile - that's not her fault!

Oh I do see your point, but would it be better for her to be kicking the shit out of a baby because she didn't want it and can't deal with it? Better for her to slit her wrists with pnd? They are hard choices, it's not something you go into lightly, and although for someone who took 2 years to concieve this may seem difficult to absorb, some women could conceive every time they have sex.

That's a lot of unwanted children.

This is a very emotional subject, and although I can see why you are upset and how upsetting you find it, there is nothing you can 'do' about it without upsetting other people.
I am pro choice, and had an abortion myself at 14. Now I have a son I look on this abortion with a totally different perspective than I did as a teen (as I'msure your neice will). You saying about your child being the same age as her child would have been must also be a constant reminder to her too, don't forget. When I was pg with ds, I found looking at the week by week section of pregnancy books very upsetting but I still stand by my decision. I was not emotionally ready to be a mother, my serious long term boyfriend at the time was a complete nightmare who I would have been tied to for the rest of my life and lots of other reasons I won't go into all brought me to my decision.
You say your niece ummd and ahhhhd about this - have you considered what a hard decision this would have been for her to make?
All you can do is be there for your friends who are struggling (they don't need to hear about teenagers aborting babies btw), and try your best not to judge this 19 year old girl. As you say she is family right or wrong she has made her decision and that is her choice. Someone pointed out she may be extremely unlucky, can I also suggest she may be having one night stands to boost low self esteem? I had a friend like this when I was younger and it was a vicious cycle she found hard to break.

dt, I don't think there are many women who hae terminations who don't feel the repurcussions somewhere along the line. Don't judge her too harshly because I would be willing to bet that either she's not as untouched by it as it may seem, or at some point in the future she will have to deal with it in a big way.

When and if she does have children in the future could be a very hard time for her, for instance.

I can see why it's upsetting you but I think you do need to remember that what she's doing will certainly impact on her, eventually if not now.

It's hardly her fault that some women can't conceive. I'd keep your feelings to yourself, if I were you, and rant on here if you need to.

My best friend in highschool had 2 abortions in her last few highschool years. She then went on to have another abortion at 17, she then had a baby son who she held in her arms when i first went to visit her after his birth and said to me 'I would've got rid of him too but i didn't find out till 5 months and they wouldn't let me'

She then miscarried twins at 16 weeks and was 'glad'

Needless to say she is not a friend anymore.

You need to talk to her about contraception and the reality of what she is doing.

Im not saying she should keep these babies but she needs to STOP GETTING PREGNANT.

if she goes on the pill/implanrt and uses condoms then the risk is so much smaller,

This needs to be said not just because of the babies she is aborting but the descisions she is making now could ruin her in later years.

try to be supportive but drive home the 'two forms of contraception at all times' rule to her.

xxxx

You seem to be projecting what YOU would feel on to her. If she doesn't want to be pregnant, it won't feel the same, at all, as you feel about your pg with a wanted baby. She isn't obliged to have a baby because other people have fertility problems.

TBH, I don't think you should be the person talking to her about contraception (and anyway, if she hasn't got the message by now, or if she has had bad luck with contraception failure, what more is there to be said?) while you are identifying emotionally with it - she will feel your disapproval and judgement and react badly and you may even cause lasting family tension.

I am sorry you find yourself so upset - think about that phrase 'over-identifying'. She is not you, her pg is not your baby.

oh yes, and it sounds as if all this info is coming through your MIL. I would have been v upset at 19 if my mother, grandmother and aunt had all been discussing my confidential and sensitive business. It really isn't anyone else's business - she is 19, an adult.

It is unfortunate that for various reasons women are generally having babies later in life now with all the fertility risks this involves but we are actually still physically programmed to have babies earlier. Obviously it is therefore statistically more risky to have unprotected sex the younger you are.

The only thing that makes me sad is that your niece didn't learn more about contraception after the first unwanted pregnancy. Is she stupid ? Does she need help in this area rather than a guilt trip chat about "look what you've thrown away - TWICE!".

Surely it's better not to have a baby than for there to be a high risk that the child will end up suffering from neglect/abuse.
The instances of children having suffered a catalogue of physical and mental abuse for years at the hands of their "mother" and her partner(s), prior to their premature death resulting in anyone finally being fully aware of their plight is what causes me to cry.

It?s not your place to talk to her about contraception.

Yes it?s sad that this is the course of action she has chosen to take, and many people would have an opinion on that, but ultimately the decision is hers and hers alone.

you don't sound very pro-choice to me, TBH, from the language you've used.

i appreciate it makes you sad, but would you rather she had 2 unwanted kids by different dads?

I think whether you're 'pro-choice' or not is irrelevant, tbh. I think your feelings are quite understandable. I know friends who have struggled with infertility and they feel the same when they hear about abortions.
It's just a visceral reaction to loss, and the feeling that other people aren't valuing something you feel they should be valuing. I know one couple have the same reaction when they hear of cases of child abuse.

Anyway, just to say I don't think you're a nutcase at all.

FWIW - I can understand your feelings on this, but I think the best thing you can do is keep them to yourself (or between you and your OH). Nothing will be gained from making your feelings known, and I certainly don't think its your place to talk to your 19 yr old niece about contraception (I would hope her doctor and possibly her mum might have a chat to her about that isue). Its really sad for you (you genuinely do have my sympathies) but the truth is, people have abortions every day, misacrriages every day, and many many women are infertile - having feelings of sadness / anger about the unfairness of the world is natural and normal, but I would argue that its probably best to keep tyhose feelings to the confines of your partner / very closest friends.

p.s. Showing pro-life lieterature to a teenage girl who has just had an abortion? Very, very wrong!

p.s. hope that didn't come across as too harsh. I feel for you, I really do xxxx

I can understand why you feel this way. I think I probably would too.

In your OP I don't think you suggest you are going to discuss contraception or any other issues with her as peopel have suggested, and I think as has been said, there would be no point.

What she has done is perfectly legal and morally acceptable in many peoples eyes. It is happening everyday.

You have to live with it really I'm afraid, but I can understand why it upsets and effects you so much, abortions effect me in a similar way. ALL my close friends have had abortions and I have had to keep my thougts and emotiond in check on this. Expressing my view would have just caused hurt and not changed any decisions.

Its not your place to judge her - she did what is right for her and its got sod all to do with you,quite frankly.
Ive had 2 abortions in the space of a year so what do you think of me then??

Surely its better to terminate the pregnancies rather than bring 2 children into the world who may never be loved or wanted, or could be mistreated?

She probably didnt enjoy the terminations so i dont know why youre kicking up such a fuss; she is no doubt suffering in her own way. Even if she is not, there is no reason for you to get on your high horse and judge her.

She has her whole life ahead of her, and maye just didnt feel ready for parenthood. You cant want to shout "look what youve thrown away!" when she was probabyly trying to make the most of her life and didnt feel ready to be a mother - you cant be angry at her for not seeming bothered by your 4mth old!!

What's with the 'you can't this' and 'you can't that'? dancingtina is just venting about how she is feeling in this situation, she's not going to slap the girl about a bit. Just as you're legally entitled to make the choices you have done, people are free to feel exactly as they do about things.

If the choices you've made are right for you, then what does it matter to you how someone else feels about them? She wasn't making an argument about abortion, just saying how she feels about a particular situation.

I can understand your sadness but I agree with Blu & Colditz

at 19, she is an adult, she might look back in 10 years and regret it bitterly

or not

talk about contraception...casually

but nothing more

i was just asking what the problem was?

Lots of people feel very emotionally about abortion. On both sides of the argument.

Many think it's morally wrong. They have aright to think that, but legally adult women can make the choice for themselves and those who have a problem with that have to live with it.

dancingtina I'd just keep out of her way and ask your MIL not to tell you if she does it again tbh. I think its the sort of thing that is perhaps sometimes best not to know.

It's so emotive. I too would fight for a women's right to have an abortion, but if a friend terminated for something like Down's Syndrome then I really really would rather not know because I know it would change the way I felt about her (wouldn't be bothered if it was more of a lifestyle choice, have quite a few friends who have done that- we all have things that we identify with). I can understand why you identify with her, and why it therefore feels like a blow to you - it just sounds like you're what I call the wrong audience. Don't beat yourself up about feeling irritated by it, but don't say anything and try to file it away as "none of my business" if you see what I mean.