Help me be a better mum-anger issues? Help, please

[Headinabook85]

Hello,

Like everyone I sometimes feel overwhelmed by being a mum. On occasion I shout at my children when they have not done anything much wrong.

I feel horrific about it as I do essentially have two very good little boys and I dont think they deserve the shouting....often it is because I am already in a bad mood about something....their Dad or the cleaning/tidying normally.

How do you find calm and perspective and not take it out on the kids?

Ive found I have lost a lot of my energy, my motivation to be organised etc. I know if I could get those parts of my personality "back" then Id be a lot less likely to snap at my kids. Id say that having my second son sapped my energy away and although I am trying all sorts to improve the situation, I feel I will never be truly energetic ever again. (I am upping my vitamin D-as prescribed by GP-Ive upped my exercise and have taken up running for the last five months, eating healthier, hydrating more).

I am snapping and screaming at them far too regularly now...maybe once a fornitght and I really must stop it. I imagine it could be like a sort of abuse and I dont want them to grow up thinking this behaviour is okay. They are 4 and 2 now so I imagine thwy will remember my outbursts into their adult hood which saddnes me beyond belief.

Maybe it is an anger management issue? I think I may need to clear a little off my 'plate' as life is v full and maybe just re calibrate my perspective on the cleaning etc.

Please tell me if you have been simialr and what helped you?

Maybe meditation

Speak to your gp if you feel yous snapping without good reason they will refer you for counselling who will help you discover why you snap and how to control it better.
Good luck

I am struggling with this too and shout/lose my temper most days. Mine are older though- 10 & 9 and I feel horrendous guilt as they really are good kids. Bubbling under is usually other issues for me too - work/my business stress, no sleep (also have a cosleeping clambering 1yo), DH acting like the house is a hotrl, constant meals/tidying/cleaning/wifework. I am trying to look after myself too but struggling with anything for me being just another thing to 'do'/fit in! I do apologise but I am desperate to change as I dont want them to remember me as a screaming fishwife.

You are not alone!

Hello! This is/was me.

Parenting on hard! My eldest is 22 and youngest is 18 months. Sometimes I feel like putting my head through a wall.

Well done for recognising your tipping over the edge as you can start to rewind and press the reset button (which I do regularly!)

I try to get out kid free as much as possible. If you get a change for even a half hour breather - take it

If you can feel yourself getting round up - go sit on the toilet and scroll through your phone looking at kid pics/go have a cig/ have a word with yourself and talk yourself down.

My biggest achievement is apologising quickly. If I’ve lost control and shouted I hurry up and calm down and apologise quickly to the kids. A hug and kiss.

It takes practise but you will feel how your temper is getting and recognise you need to calm the hell down! Sometimes though it gets s bit too much and I tip over the edge but then I always apologise. I think the apologising and talking to my kids about it afterwards makes me understand more about what effect my actions have on my kids.

Don’t feel bad. Your quite normal

Lots of typos due to ridiculous nails !!

I wouldn’t bother with the GP, will be a total waste of time. If, however, you have the funds for private counselling this could be useful, if not a quick solution.

Do you have any time for you? An hour. A day to get space and reguvineate?

I think it’s really really common to feel like this with small children. Is it a constant anger or does it come and go?

I had this too. I was/am a crap mum.

Much of it was down to depression; please check yourself for it, as well as the vit D, iron, B12 etc.

Some is due to tiredness, some expecting too much of both myself and them - the perfect house, the perfect child, demanding job, homework, parents, partner. Work out the priorities, give up the things you don’t really need to do ( ironing ), go to bed earlier.

Then try not to sweat the small stuff, most stuff doesn’t matter. Tomato ketchup on the floor? Washable. Mud? So what? A bit of dust can be dangerous if you are asthmatic or bronchitic but otherwise if controlled might be better than otherwise for the immune system. A missed party? Sod it if you’re an adult, Netflix and painting toenails whilst chatting to partner are better. Learn to cope if you are a child, no-one goes to everything. Set up a “we don’t buy this” group with mums... eventually I had a group of four or five lovelies who would ring round..” No, not everyone is going skiing..no, not everyone has the latest x”.

My mum’s great tip: everyone has a rest after lunch for 40 mins to an hour, her included. Go to room, allowed out for loo not otherwise, play quietly or read. She read the paper. Means they learn to amuse themselves.

Her other great tip: an hour of exercise ( at least) everyday for every child, pref outside, frequently not “ exciting”, but getting rid of wriggles. Eg in playground, throwing balls, gardening if you can get them to, going for a walk, skipping for at least 20 mins... I promise. It’s like dogs. It works.

Get the children to do some of the chores. Pay them if it helps. Washing up, laying the table, making their beds, hoovering. Pay weekly. Mind you, it didn’t work with us.

Third tip from my mum: Ancient Scottish saying: “I’m hearin’ bu’ I’m no heedin’”. In other words, keep an eye out in case actual murder is being committed but otherwise let it wash over you. They will sort it out between them. And if it’s attention they need, give it to them when they are genuinely upset or being lovely.

Good luck

Following, I've been literally shaking with rage this weekend over nothing. Got 2.5 yo and 12 week old.

Do you need more time to yourself?

I just posted this list on another thread that saved me many times - not everyone may agree with it all but it was a godsend and helped snap me out of my rage. I keep it in notes on my phone

READ ME

Anger is normal and we are responsible for what we choose to do with it.

I am capable of 1000 times more harm in one action than anything that is thrown at me

Violence sabotages and undoes all the good - it is not ok to discharge in this way

Your child is not the cause and is not your enemy

There is nothing constructive about expressing our anger to another person - it is not true that unless we express it, it will eat away at us

Once calm look at what made us furious. What is wrong in my life that made me feel so furious?
What do we need to do to change that situation

We will not find the answers to these questions by acting in anger

Offer a role model and don't hurt
Screaming is a tantrum
Might does not make right

Show how anger is human and handle it in a mature way

'I am too mad right now to talk about this. I am going to take a timeout and calm down'
Model self control
This is not love withdrawal

Go away to calm down then go back.
'This is not an emergency... Kids need love most when they don't seem to deserve it...she's acting out because she needs help with her feelings...this too shall pass'

Do not ruin your child's life as the effects are lasting

Planning:
Set limits so everyone knows what is expected

Stop
Breathe - elephant 3 times
'This isn't an emergency'
Shake the anger out of my hands
Noise - hum
Smile

What is under the anger?
Fear
Sadness
Disappointment
It is ok to let these in and feel them

NEVER act while angry

Ok to say 'I need to think about what has happened and we will talk about it later'

Don't repress the pain of my own childhood

Mindfulness practice - 20 minutes a day to strengthen brain's response to anger and make it easier to calm

I wish I’d had that. Thank you for posting it.

I never replied to all your kind messages. Thank you, they really helped me.

I did go to the GP, started the pill after a frank discussion about my feelings and have got some counselling etc. I have had a good holiday this summer which helped me recalibrate and the pill seems to be working at "balancing" me out and has elevated my mood to a point where I realise I have spent most of the past year depressed.

I hope I have turned a corner now xxx

@Headinabook85 hi op, I can really relate to your post, it's a horrible place to be. I'm constantly reflecting and trying to improve and be better for my kids, it's like fighting a tide sometimes.

So does your GP think that it's hormonal in your case? Is it the contraceptive pill they have put you on?

Yes it has definitely been hormonal.

Counselling is working very well for me.

Hi please what pill did you get

I could've written your post and feel very much the same and have thought it more hormonal then anything.
I get rages followed by uncontrollable tears and sadness. Mostly just before my period. Then as soon as I come on I feel like a different women.

I really don't want to go on the pill though .... as we are TTC number 2...

OrlandaFuriosa. I think your post was brilliant! My kids are grown up but I was also an angry mum. I wish I'd had you as a friend at that time. 😊

Agree to uppin other supplements like iron for energy. It can make a big difference.
I walk out the room and check my phone (a lot)! To take the edge off things.
For me days out by myself helped a bit of having a day at home without kids. One a month or so.

I got ‘Calm parents, happy kids’ by Dr Laura Markham from the library and it was fantastic - helped me understand where my anger was really coming from, unpick some unhelpful things learned from my own parents, and put some strategies in place for when I feel myself boiling over. Highly recommended.

I'm sitting crying reading this. Its me. DC are 6&5 and all they are going to remember is a mum who shouts at them all the time. I know I have anger issues and I'm having counselling but it just doesn't seem to be getting any better. Somedays I think I should walk out as I'm sure DH could find someone else who wouldn't loose it like I do.

I have (still now but it’s getting better) struggled to control the rage and anger at the kids. I’ve 4 under 5 and had horrific pregnancies and a husband who works 24/7. My rage was always triggered when I was mulling over feeling angry at him leaving me on my own so much, especially while very sick, but all weekends etc. And then the kids would all be screaming and fighting, baby roaring to be picked up, on top of me feeling angry at DH and I couldn’t cope with the overload when I just wanted 10 quiet minutes to think and gather perspective. Little kids give no leeway for needing a moment, they are relentless. I would explode. It’s terrible. But my two eldest (5 and 4) are suddenly less difficult and more mature and I’m finally beginning to enjoy them. The baby is a darling. The other 3 are great kids. But it’s been very hard. I adore them and am a very calm and practical person in real life usually so I just pray that they don’t have strong memories of my rage face and lack of control, or model it themselves later when they can’t cope. My mum was a quiet, calm, very loving Mum and still to this day I can hear her ‘lost control angry shout’. It’s not a bad memory as it in no way whatsoever undid what a great Mum she was, but it’s remarkable I can still hear it in my head. Especially considering how rare it was.

Also I think it could be a menopause thing. I've had a wretched 5 years of it.
(Lone working parent so no time out).

@trickytroggle You're crying? Then you really care that you get angry - and that's a world away from a parent who thinks they have the right to scream at their kids.

There could be loads of reasons. Most likely it's depression or hormones, in which case a mild dose of antidepressant might help.

First thing to do is to apologise to DC. Get them in a snuggly place, give them a cuddle, and say in calm, unemotional voice that you've realised you shout at them sometimes when they haven't done anything wrong. That you are sorry and it's not their fault. You are very sorry if you shouting ever made them sad or scared and you are not going to do it any more. They are definitely young enough for a change in your behaviour to have a massive positive effect on them from now on.
to you. It's hard but as soon as you realise it's a problem, you've half way solved it.

Minapaws......you just made me cry even more, just by being lovely. thank you. I do all the things you suggest, but I just feel a fraud saying I'm sorry, because I (and probably DC) know that its going to happen again. And I read all the threads on here about grown up children going NC with either parent because they say it is just like walking around eggshells.....and I don't want that to be my children. It really is a case of managing each day at a time.

Trickytroggle1

Please go to your GP. Just going on the pill has helped me immensely. Our next step (if I ever need to try it) is antidepressants for the seven days before my period arrives.

You sound like a lovely Mum who cares about her kids xx

Another teary person saying thank you for the good, kind advice and shared experience.
I do sometimes feel that I’m the only person feeling and behaving like this. I realised yesterday that I was vibrating with stress.
This can change, we can change.