Night feeds

[Deehit]

My baby is now 5 months and my partner is really reluctant to do any night feeds. My baby is bottle fed and usually wakes up 2/3 times a night. During the week I don't expect him to because he works but when I say works he barely ever does a full week and when he does he does 8am until about 3pm. I have asked if he could do just one feed on a Friday and Saturday night but the mood I get it's not worth it. Most times when she wakes during the night he is already awake and often tells me I'm doing it wrong whilst he lays in bed. Or if she wakes and he is awake he will give me the nudge. My point is if I am flat out asleep and you are awake and it's weekend why can't you just get up and do it? Am I being unreasonable? Most weekday mornings we come downstairs before 6am so he can get the last hour and half without us disturbing him but at the weekend I usually let her come and sit with us in bed for an hour before we all go downstairs. These past few weekends he has been complaining of being super tired so Iv took her downstairs and sometimes even gone out in the morning so he gets a good lie in. My baby doesn't sleep a lot at all during the day she has half hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon. My partner takes the car everyday so I'm left stuck in the house most days....especially when he drives off with the pram. Other days we just go for a walk. The housework is all me the house is immaculate and I do all the cooking and prepare his dinners for the next day. I just feel like a one man band and just wondering what other parents do

Your not being unreasonable at all
He sounds like a dickhead
Next time she wakes up in the night - pick her up and pass her to him and let him get on with it. Can you sleep in a spare room?

Ultimately though this is showing a glaring lack of respect for you and lack of interest/care for his daughter. Does he help much with other aspects of childcare? Does he bath her, play with her. Feed her during the day if he’s around??

He has only ever bathed her once and that was this weekend. Yes he does help feed her but usually because he tells me I'm doing it wrong to the point I get upset and just hand her over seen as he is such an expert. He plays with her sometimes but often just sits her on his knee while he watches tele because he says I entertain her too much and get her too giddy.

He sounds really horrible OP
He sounds like he’s just dragging you down and making you feel bad
What makes him such an expert on feeding the baby that he feels he can criticise the way your doing it (seeing as you do it 99% of the time)
He just sounds like he’s being an arsehole to you
What was he like pre-baby? Was he mean/critical/ unsupportive??

My DP works 7-3 5 days a week and he still helps with night feeds (I do most as he's working) and everything else as it's his child too. You sound like you may as well be a single parent!

I feel like a single parent most of the time. He didn't want baby in fact he snapped the pregnancy test in half when we found out. It did come as a shock because I was on the pill worst part is I'm a nursery nurse and have been for over 10 years...based in the baby room but when he starts telling me I'm doing it wrong I just get frustrated and feel down. I do it all day and night on my own so how he has the nerve I don't know. It's laughable sometimes he even made a comment the other week that he feels he is doing all the work I nearly choked on my cup of coffee. He has always been a little bit critical of anything I do wether it be putting tan on or wearing something he doesn't like or my family and friends

My 2nd is bf (though dh does every wake up and gets up every morning with our older one), but when our first was a baby, my dh got up and helped with every single night feed until she dropped them at 9 months. He would often get the bottle and change her and I would feed her. Sometimes he’d do the feed himself and settle her back to sleep after. She’s 5 now and he’s continued to do about 50% of night wake ups with her (and has done them all since ds was born). This is while running a business that means he works about 10 hours a day 5 days a week and some weekends. There really is no excuse for not getting up and doing nighttime parenting other than just being lazy (unless he’s like a pilot or surgeon or something). I managed 2-3 wake ups a night when I went back to work too, despite a 5am start and 3 hour London commute. I think you need to assign him some jobs (bathtime every night and bedtime or nighttime several days a week) and tell him to get on with it and stop giving him a lie in every day unless he returns the favour. There’s no reason for one of you to always be exhausted while the other gets as much sleep as usual.

He’s abusive.
I knew it when I read your first post but wanted you to confirm and you just have.
This is not going to get better sweetheart, do you really want to stay with a man who treats you like this? Who you know didn’t want this child?
You and your daughter deserve better than this. This is not how it’s meant to feel.

I should add he sounds really controlling. This is a symptom of a bigger problem and if he doesn’t shape up, it isn’t going to get easier.

Does he have any redeeming features? Is there a good reason why you are together?

I'm exhausted and whenever she falls asleep and I lie on the sofa mainly at weekends he rolls his eyes and huffs and puffs. At that point I get up and either tidy up or start making lunch or tea. She hasn't been left with anyone for longer than 2 hours and that's once a blue moon. He was in a foul mood on Saturday so I asked what would cheer him up and he just replied with 'a good nights sleep' so I suggested my mum have her Saturday so we could both get a good rest and he said he's no interest in her sleeping out. When she was tiny I suffered from post natal depression and cried whilst getting up with her in the night and he just ignored it. The other week I noticed he hadn't set his alarm to go to work so the following day I asked him if he had any intention going (which he didn't) and if that was the case could he have helped in the night and the reply I got was "I just wanted a good sleep".

I know he is. I tried ignoring it but when it's staring me and my friends and family in the face I can't ignore it anymore.

No I'm scared to say we are now just one of those couples who are purely staying together for our daughter and I never wanted that

Leave him.
He doesn’t love you, you don’t love him.
Please don’t stay in this miserable situation for your daughter. This is not a good environment to bring a child up into and will only result in causing your daughter a host of emotional issues down the line. For her sake and for your own, please start thinking about getting out of this.
Do you have family or friends you can talk to or who can help you? You need some support, your not getting it from your partner.

I have spoken to family and friends and they don't really give any advice. I have thought about leaving for months now even before baby was here. I guess I'm just always hoping things will change

Oh DEEHIT you will be so much happier by yourself.
What a wanker.

Things won’t change. This will only get worse as your daughter gets older. Your resentment towards him will grow and his emotional and controlling behaviour will get worse.
Sit down with family - be clear about his behaviour and tell them your deeply unhappy and are going to leave him. Don’t beat around the bush, you need to make it clear and ask for help.
Do you have any money? Are you married? Where are you living?

No we aren't married no I don't have money I am currently on mat pay and every penny I have spare goes to him to help pay the bills we currently live in his house. We have only been here a year and before that we lived at my house which I gave up and I so regret it now

Is there someone you can go and stay with temporarily - e.g. your parents? Talk to citizens advice about your housing rights or perhaps someone more knowledgeable here can point you to a good website.

Work out the process for claiming maintenance from him for the baby.

In general, get prepared to leave him then follow through. He sounds like a waste of your energy.

Can you get on council housing list at all? See what benefits you can get too, maybe give citizens advice a call.

Iv discusses moving to my mums for a few months until I have enough money and my mum is fully on board she's even started putting things aside for me in case I move into a new house. Iv just got to take that leap

He doesn’t add to your life. You’re not a team & it sets a bad example to your dc of a healthy relationship. You’re better off out.

That's brilliant that you can go to your mum's. Go asap! Get someone to come round and help pack you up while you ex is at work and get out. Good luck.

Yes, move to your mum’s, that’s a brilliant first step. I know it’s hard but you need to take the leep. Your going to be so much happier in the long run

For him it was an unwanted pregnancy, he's not onboard with being a parent and a partner. Please go and stay with your mum.

Go and stay with your mum OP. You'll feel lighter, I guarantee. He's an arsehole.