Night feeds

[Deehit]

My baby is now 5 months and my partner is really reluctant to do any night feeds. My baby is bottle fed and usually wakes up 2/3 times a night. During the week I don't expect him to because he works but when I say works he barely ever does a full week and when he does he does 8am until about 3pm. I have asked if he could do just one feed on a Friday and Saturday night but the mood I get it's not worth it. Most times when she wakes during the night he is already awake and often tells me I'm doing it wrong whilst he lays in bed. Or if she wakes and he is awake he will give me the nudge. My point is if I am flat out asleep and you are awake and it's weekend why can't you just get up and do it? Am I being unreasonable? Most weekday mornings we come downstairs before 6am so he can get the last hour and half without us disturbing him but at the weekend I usually let her come and sit with us in bed for an hour before we all go downstairs. These past few weekends he has been complaining of being super tired so Iv took her downstairs and sometimes even gone out in the morning so he gets a good lie in. My baby doesn't sleep a lot at all during the day she has half hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon. My partner takes the car everyday so I'm left stuck in the house most days....especially when he drives off with the pram. Other days we just go for a walk. The housework is all me the house is immaculate and I do all the cooking and prepare his dinners for the next day. I just feel like a one man band and just wondering what other parents do

I just think up and leaving would break his heart. He loves our daughter I'm not disputing that but I have told him in the past I am unhappy and he needs to help and I'm sinking and he burst into tears and said I couldn't be without you two and he fears one day he will come home and we will be gone. He has suffered depression before and I don't want to be the reason he hits rock bottom again. I would feel better getting some money together gathering some sort of back up stuff at my mums and talking to him and tell him how serious I am. Am I being soft?

This situation is awful, you will feel 100 percent better if you move to your mums. I’m not nor will I ever be with the father of mine but, he is supportive of me and keen to be dad even though we’re not together. Get out of this situation and you very well might find love and support with another man in the future or happiness just with your daughter. You won’t trapped in this situation, he doesn’t sound mature enough, and clearly wasn’t ready. He’ll miss out, you won’t if you move out. Xx

Actions speak louder than words, he cries and stuff but my ex who was cheating cried. his eyes out. I’m hardened to all that manipulation.

The crying is just another way of controlling you. It’s emotional black mail. His behaviour towards you before the baby and after speaks volumes. You can’t stay with him to keep him happy/stop him from being depressed. You are miserable, and frankly it doesn’t sound like he is particularly happy either. If he loves your daughter then he must realise that this environment is toxic and is not the place to bring a child up in. You can work something out so that he can still be a father to her.

Here here to west! You might find he bucks his ideas up and becomes a much better father. He gets all the easy bits now, sleep food, a tidy house, no wonder he wants you to stay. It is up to you but I think it would make everything better for you. Are you quite young? I think support of your Mum would really benefit you. X

No I'm 29 my past relationships have always been awful iv never had happiness in my 29 years on this god dam planet and I'm still not happy now. I think if I went to my mums it will go 2 ways either kiss goodbye to him and look after my baby or he will get the fear factor and up his game.

I’m 29 too, I’ve had ups and downs and bad relationships too. If I could go back in time I would tell myself to leave sooner. Please make the right choice xx

He needs to seek professional help for his depression and for his abusive/controlling behaviour.
You need a break to collect your own thoughts and decide what you want.
Even if he “ups his game” is that really enough?
Please don’t just stay with him and make do because you fell you have to or that you owe him something. What you’ve described is not a normal or healthy relationship.
You deserve to be with someone who loves you unconditionally, who supports you and brings out the best in you. Someone who makes you happy, who makes you feel safe and who provides the best life for you and your daughter. You should feel like your part of a team - not being downtrodden like you are.

@Deehit My heart breaks just reading your posts. My DH did one feed a night, despite getting up at 5am for work each day and getting home at 5.30pm, as I couldn't cope with 2 hourly feeds. Your DP is being a selfish arse.

You mention he has suffered from depression in the past and are worried about how you possibly leaving would affect him. He doesn't seem to give a damn about how his behaviour is affecting you, so he only deserves the same in return.

Each time he criticises you for feeding "incorrectly", he feeds DD. Simples. Tell him this too as a warning. Tell him there will be no discussion and if he criticises, he takes over and you walk away to do something else.

I'd suggest moving out to your mums. It will give you space to decide what you really want, and also give you an opportunity to see what having true support (from your mum) feels like. It may shock DP into a change, but I'd suspect it would be a temporary rather than permanent change. He can still be involved in his DD's life but HE will have to be the one to make an effort. It's not up to you to ensure he does his part. He's a grown man so should take responsibility.

I sincerely hope it works out for the best (whatever the "best" is).

Honestly what you describe life to be like currently is awful. What about your depression you suffered? Was he there for you? No he leftyou to cry alone and exhausted. He didn’t care that post natal depression can stop you bonding, cause all kinds of emotional stress. He sounds selfish and horrible.

I told him only the other day that I felt I really missed out on so much stuff with our daughter when she was tiny because I was so depressed and really detached from being a parent his response was "your loss" all of the responses I have had from this chat is slowly sinking in and it's from people who I have never met I kinda thought my family and friends were just nodding along and letting me have my moan so Thankyou. He starts a new job in the next two weeks which involves long hours and possibly working away which gives me time to think and take action x

I can’t believe he said your loss! It’s his daughters loss too! He hasnt been a partner, he’s put you down. You need to tell yourself you deserve better, you need self confidence good friends and family. Life is short there is zero need to be with these assholes anymore. It’s the past where we had to put up and shut up or be judged. You leave him, meet a single man or even a fellow parent. Xx

Or be single yourself for a bit, have casual dates and fun. He’ll miss his daughter when he can’t hold her when he likes. He can stay in and babysit while you paint the town red! Need a fun friend like me lol x

I think if I went to my mums it will go 2 ways either kiss goodbye to him and look after my baby or he will get the fear factor and up his game.

These are the only two options if you are to lead a happy life, so move to your mum's.

Any depression he experiences has been brought on by his actions in the past - not by you leaving. Your leaving only crystallizes these past actions for him to realise what a mess he has made. This is not your fault.