How does your 3.5 year old go to sleep?

[Bytheseabythesea]

We've been muddling through and got to a point now where we go up to her room after dinner/play, get in to pj's, then do three stories, brush teeth, then after lights out one of us lays with her until she's asleep, having a little chat and then encouraging her to settle down. This final. It can take up to 45 mins, depending on how tired she is, and it now really eats into our evening. DH has a new job with a big commute so he's knackered.

How do we get to a point where we do stories, then say a quick goodnight, then she just drops off by herself. Is this realistic at 3.5? Should we introduce audiotapes or something?

We also have new DD 3 months old, so I was wary of changing things much. Also means I'm so tired I may be making a mountain out of a molehill or massively overthinking this.

Sorry for the poor writing. Basically I'm interested in what's realistic and reasonable for bedtime at 3.5 years old

At that age my DS took 45 minutes+ to settle but this would have been after stories. I think if you're including pyjamas and stories and teeth that's really good going! But it might be after all of this which means the whole bedtime drags on over an hour which is wearing.

I did change at around 3ish instead of lying in with him I'd sit on the bed instead. That took it down to about 20 minutes without chatting. I think he was closer to 4 by the time we switched to story CDs. I put them on really quietly so he'd have to lie really still to hear the story.

I don't think there is any harm in trying it if she's receptive. I think I would be sad to lose the little chat post stories though!

Don't introduce audiotapes!! you're just encouraging more reliance. She is well old enough, you need to be clear and firm. I think 3 stories is a little excessive, however I have been known to read 2! How about you explain she's no a big girl and do the normal upstairs for pjs and teeth, then down stairs for one story, perhaps upstairs for a wee and 1 more story in bed (if you must) and then she can read one herself (well, you know, have a picture book in bed) where you leave her for 5 mins with a bedside lamp on, then when you go back, it's night night and lights out. For a while my ds1 struggled to get to sleep at around the same age and so we would allow him 5 mins with a book and as he was then at nursery he seemed to grasp the idea of having a book to himself as they used a book corner at nursery.

I have a 2yr 10 month and 15 month old. We go up around 6 to 6.30. bath if 6. Bit of play. Stories in toddlers room, he has some cuddles and a song then he goes into his cot (cotbed) mobile on, light off, night night and I leave. Take baby into my room and put him to bed.

I did gradual withdrawal when toddler was about 13 months. I imagine you could still use it at 3 though. You say you lay with her to fall asleep. Start gradually doing less. Have a chat before bed. Then lay with her. Then start to move away every few nights. I started with leaning into the cot singing and patting. After a few nights just singing and occasional pat. Then just singing. Then sitting next to the cot . Then a foot away. I did it VERY slowly but my non sleeping boy was laying down and going to sleep himself with me sitting outside his room in a couple of months and he's been going to sleep as he does now since about 16 months. No crying!

How about you explain she's now a big girl

DS1 is 3.7. For a while (at least since he was 3) we have had a fairly similar routine - bath, 2 stories, brush teeth, wee, bed. He sometimes then wants a sip of water or for me to sing him a song or stroke his back - all things we’ve gone along with at various points in time and it can take 10 mins to actually get out of his room once I’ve switched the light off. DH is much firmer than me, says night night and leaves. I am forever going back in for the next in a long line of requests... he knows I’m the soft option but I don’t see him as much as DH sometimes. DS then sings or chats to himself for up to half an hour and drops off eventually.
We also have DS2 17 months but we bundle him into bed half an hour before DS1 so at least don’t have to worry about him whilst this is going on.

We're just doing this with 3.5 year old DS. All I'm doing once he's tucked in is sitting for a bit (I've slowly moved from sitting on his bed to sitting next to it to sitting by the door) and then saying to him that I'm just popping to get a jumper/help his sister etc and then going off and popping back in. He's getting used to me not necessarily being in the room but feeling safe that I'm around. Seems to be working so far.

My 2.5 year old goes upstairs with us, gets into pyjamas, we brush her teeth, she gets into bed, kiss and cuddle then we turn the light off and leave the door ajar. That's it. She chats to herself and plays with a couple of cuddly toys that she has in bed for about 20 mins then falls asleep. We don't have to go back upstairs once we have put her to bed. We read alot during the day so we don't do bedtime stories but I know most people do, we just never got into that habit. So for me I would say your DD is plenty old enough to be left to settle herself to sleep.

Thanks for the replies! I should have said that over the last six months we've managed to get it so DH and I take it in turns to do the final getting her to go to sleep whereas it used to be all me, and bramblina we've been really proud to have got down to 3 stories from about 8-10

So we can probably make some changes and explain to her what's going to happen. I take the point about audiotapes being another distraction. I have occasionally managed to leave saying I'll be back shortly and then she's gone to sleep in the meantime. I might try more of that. I'm definitely a softer touch than DH, but want us to be consistent, hence asking whats realistic

That's not a bad idea- ds1 had an iffy patch a while after the baby arrived. I did a bit of "Just going to toilet then I'll be back " leaving it longer each time and had happily go to sleep. It's important to go back if you say you will I think.

Oh yes the way I eventually got him to go to sleep without company was to say I really needed a wee but I'd be right back and then just mysteriously taking longer and longer to do a wee - when he got suspicious I said I needed a poo instead But once he was used to the fact I'd go away then I told him I'd go but come and check on him in 15 mins/1 hour/when I went to bed and he was happy with this.

I always did 3 stories too which was a pain because when he was very little, 3 stories took hardly any time but 3 toddler books took forever. So in the end I said OK, 3 little books or one big one. Now he's older we read together but I do put a time limit of 20 minutes on, this is to save my own sanity because if I think about reading for 40+ mins it makes me think I'd rather not - whereas 20 minutes is always doable unless I'm actually knackered or he's already really late for bed.

Does she nap during the day at all? This was my main reason for dropping DDs. Now she's often asleep before we finish singing to her.
I find doing jobs upstairs helps after leaving her if she's still awake. Pottering on the landing, rinsing bath out etc. I think she finds it comforting that we're there and then drops off quickly after that.

I guess we'll have to get used to her just laying in her room and singing to herself for a while before dropping off.

Mine is 4 and she falls asleep in our bed with a few stories, then whoever put her to bed gets to lie there for a while poking away at their phone while the other does dishes and hassles the older kids to do homework. Later on we carry her to her bed.

Honest picture of our evening.

My 4yo has one story, finish his milk, clean teeth then lights off and audio story. No talking.
It doesn't work for my 2yo though. She does the same then jumps out of bed. I'm at a loss with her.

I’ve always done two stories, said night night and left with my 3.5 year old. She doesn’t fall asleep immediately, there’s some chatting and playing with soft toys, but that’s fine, she’s not upset.
I wonder if instead of a long winded gradual change you explain that mummy and daddy will go down after two stories and see how she takes it.

Thanks for more replies. She doesn't nap and hasn't since about 2.5. She doesn't seem to need a huge amount of sleep, has 10.5hrs most nights, but is often tired in the day, just not enough to nap. If she does nap on odd occasion she's then up until 11pm... I think we're going to explain that mummy and daddy will be leaving after a cuddle and will check on her regularly.

My daughter is 4.5 but for the last y3ar or 2 we have had the same routine:
Bath, into bed and stories for about 10 minutes then cuddles, night light groclock and I put on a story cd. She is asleep within 5 minutes listening to it. I sit on her bed til she falls asleep but DH doesn't

Both of my DC (1 and 3) are straight to bed after teeth brushed. 1 story then it's door closed and settle on their own. They are both flat out in 2 mins so I think it's about routine.

Our routine is bath/wash, pyjamas, milk and stories in bed until about 6.45, wee and brush teeth, then DH goes in, puts the light off and makes up a story until about 7. Then she is left to her own devices until the sunshine comes up on her gro-clock at 7 the next morning. She sometimes potters about a bit, and if I'm working in the study she'll often come and see what I'm doing, but on the whole she goes to bed pretty well. I don't mind pottering or singing to herself, it's part of winding down. If it carries on too long she is put back to bed with reminders of needing sleep so she's got plenty of energy for tomorrow.

We've talked about good reasons to disturb mummy and daddy - feeling poorly, had a wee accident, scary dream, that sort of thing - and silly reasons - runny nose (she's got a hanky), there are imaginary lions in her bedroom (as distinct from bad sharks that want to eat her, the lions are friendly), need a wee (totally capable of going to the loo and mostly does). She gets that mummy and daddy need to have their tea/mummy has to work/daddy's doing his exercises - things that she knows we wait until she's gone to bed to do, and she knows that one of us will always come if she calls but may be grumpy if it's a silly reason.

Hi OP you are me !
My DD1 is 3.5 we read 3 story's a night but she also now refuses to go to bed she has to sleep on the sofa.
We also have a nearly 4 month old so reluctant to change things up too much.

I find trying to make sure she is tired after a busy day helps shorten the process but we just go along with it because I know eventually it will work but whenever we've changed things the whole process takes a lot longer because it isn't the usual.

I just tried to start the discussion with her and she said "but if I cry you will have to come back in and see me"...

I should probably take her out for a big run around to tire her out but have a sleeping baby on me and a bag of half price wispa pieces down the side of the sofa...

My dd has stories and self settles, can take anything upto 15 mins for her to go to sleep

She’s definitely old enough. They are old enough from about 7 months to go asleep themselves in most cases. But she’s clearly going to be dependent on someone lying with her since that’s the way it’s been done all along. I had 3 under 3 so couldn’t get into that’s sort of thing at all (as I had other babies to attend to) and they all learned pretty quick that I wouldn’t be hanging about shushing and patting. Now they are 5, 3, 2 and a few months and other than the newborn, I can have the rest in bed and quiet within 15mins. Kids do whatever they are used to.

I will say that I think it’s crazy not to change things when they don’t work for you. A few days of it being a bit tough and they learn the new way of doing things. It’s not fun but kids are way more flexible than their parents.