Every day moan moan at time pick up

[littlepill]

Every single day. I’ve tried earlier pick up, cutting back activities, stopping instruments. I bring his favourite snacks. He’s at a great school. He has friends. Yet every fricking day there’s a complaint which escalated into one or both of us losing our rag.

His father & I split last year on good terms & he divides up his time (successfully) but even that he moans about: “you’re not divorcing properly”. WTF.

It’s really getting me down.

I don't really understand the OP. Your DS complains about something every day when you collect him from school? What about? Does he just come home in a bad mood? Are you in a bad mood already when he comes out? How old is he? Is he your only DC?

It sounds like you're stressed but is the real cause this or something else?

If you can give more info I'm sure you'll get some useful advice.

How old is he?

Yes DS complains about something - anything - every day when I collect him. It starts with nitpicking over the snack I’ve brought him, or over my asking him about his day, or whether he has a piece of kit, then escalates rapidly into a slanging match. I try not to bite but he makes really horrible comments. Yes, he’s in a bad mood. He complains about being tired, stressed, fed up. All suggestions are met with negativity. Sometimes I just listen but I can’t ‘hear’ what he’s saying - it tends to be moaning and works up to a row. I am normally quite cheerful. He is 10 and has 2 sibs at boarding school but they come home every weekend and are all pretty close. He is able to FaceTime them and I do encourage it. But it’s a hard slog - all he wants to do is play on his PS4 and moan!

I’m ok - the only thing stressing me out is this! I have ASD and he probably has traits. He’s a smart kid and is highly conscientious at school, but my goodness do we hear about it at home. He’s so negative about everything. I suggested he see them school counsellor but even that was met with negativity.

Is he getting enough sleep if he's saying he's tired? I know being tired can put my DC in a foul mood. Or perhaps he's just becoming a teenager a bit early.

Can you agree with him in the morning what snack he'll have after school? That way you can't be blamed.

I know you want to find out about his day but try not asking and see if that works. What about talking about what you've done and avoiding questioning him altogether?

Oh god my 6 year old is already like this.

Its too cold, too hot, too windy, I’m hungry, I don’t want to eat that, or that, or that! I’m tired, i cant walk, this hurts, that hurts, you didnt do this, or this, or this! You said xyz and you were wrong....

OP I feel your pain. I try to ignore him or change the subject, but honestly the constant moaning is draining and I end up snapping as nothing I say/do/offer is right (even if that is agreeing/distracting/ignoring!)

He is getting enough sleep, but I do wonder if it’s puberty and hormones. He has taken to sleeping in more at weekends. When he’s nice, he’s delightful and will even refer back to this, but in between are the ‘spikier’ moments & I feel like I’m treading on eggshells. Yes, maybe I will refrain from questions about his day.

We agreed this morning about snack - he always suggests junk, so I compromise. Doughnut today so I gave him extra fruit this morning - his diet is generally good. I stupidly told him that the woman in M&S divided up a pack so I could buy just a single doughnut and not a while back if 4 and OMG the fuss He wanted 2, he said 2 doughnutS, he’s sick of my healthy food all the time, everyone else gets biscuits (untrue) blah blah blah... just doesn’t accept any truth or responsibility. Hard work.

• Not a whole pack, that should say! I didn’t want 4 doughnuts and think 1 is enough

Thank you for solidarity, PP, yes, nothing is quite right enough. Walking on eggshells all the time.

Stop responding. Literally ignore every single negative noise or comment. Respond cheerfully to positive sounds and comments from him. Don’t give him attention the negative stuff. Sounds like he has fallen into a habit of unleashing all his gripes on you at home time. It’s a habit, break him out of it by only giving attention for positive comments.

And stop negotiating with him over snacks! You’re the parent! you decide what he gets. It wouldn’t be a sugary doughnut for someone who is so ungrateful on my watch! Fruit from now on. He can take it or leave it. Ignore all whingeing. He only gets the fruit when he has asked nicely for it and it comes back off him if he whinges about it.

My dd1 does this and I pull her up hard as it's fucking draining and dd2 was starting to copy.

I know dd1 is tired from school and CM and feels in her comfort zone to moan to.me but OMG it was bringing me down

When she slips back into I pull her up. And repeat. I think I used to do this too . My dm has the patience of a Saint!

My ds is very similar. He is also 10. I put it down to age/hormones! If he is grumpy, when we get home I often suggest perhaps he should go and chill by himself in his room for a bit. It's not a punishment at all but more just a little chill out time where he can have a little space and time to himself.

Seriously?
He moans about 1 doughnut ?
It would go straight in the bin!
Tell him to stop and give him consequences(and follow through) and stop arguing ,you are the parent !

I think I’d eat the donut in front of him for that

Hmmm. Ahhh. Ohhhh. Wow. That must be tough. Repeat ad nauseam. Do not ask questions, NEVER make suggestions and just keep your head below the parapet until they have blown off some steam. It works really well for teenagers too.

Tell him you are finding the moaning counterproductive and over-dramatically put ear plugs in when he gets in the car. Let him pack a snack from what’s available (you police what is available). Tell him if he can’t say something nice you don’t want to hear it.

A 10 yr old's day is highly structured at school with no down time as breaks and lunch times are still pretty full on.

He probably just needs to vent when he comes out for a bit. My DD went through a period of this when she was 9yrs and was in a foul mood after school (still is sometimes). For her it was a way of dealing with quite a pressured day ie vent to the people we are closest too.

I would personally just let him be, take or leave doughnut, and (difficult though it is) try to let it float over you, and give him a bit of space. My DD was best when given a snack at home and left alone to chill for a 15 mins.

Could he ride a scooter or kick a football or visit a park on the way home to take his mind off things that are annoying him?

One other thought, is he drinking enough water during the day? (Dehydration can make you feel ratty.)

You're child told you that you're not "divorcing properly?!" WTAF. Do not engage with this - it's not moaning it's sheer rudeness. Is he the type of child that always feels like he can be part of adult conversation and express opinions? You must stop engaging with the rudeness. Be fair but firm and definitely don't get into a slanging match with a ten year old. You're the adult, take back the power.

Thank goodness I’m not alone! Thank you so much for advice. I’m sorry others are going through it, too. Generally, I manage to be firm but kind, and we are open and have a good relationship. The divorce comment came out of the blue & made me realise maybe he doesn’t understand things as well as I thought - in his eyes, divorced parents don’t get on. I can see that.

He’s not usually rude, which is why the home times are particularly marked. Doughnut day was an exception, I thought it might be a nice treat to look forward to (he was morning this morning as well ). I think the poster who said about structured day is spot on: I remember now when he was about 4 or 5 and did similar, he said “you just don’t know how hard it is to be sensible all day!” He sets himself high standards and his sibs had more stamina, so it’s come as a shock to get this.

Ok. Time to change tack a bit, I think.

He's stressed and you're stressed. This exact thing happened me and my DS last year during house move. It was hideous. He'd moan and I'd just feel the stress and defensiveness rising up inside me. Some days we both ended up in tears.

I did a combination of agreeing with everything he said/responding in a non committal way/trying to not take a stressed out child's criticism personally. Some days we agreed on not talking about anything till we got home. Just prepare yourself to not rise to it. How long is the journey?

Lanaa No, he’s not usually the kind of kid who thinks they can be part of adult conversations - not at all! He’s
normally quite withheld and polite and shy. I was surprised by this comment but it came out in one of his outbursts towards me. I mentioned it here because I wondered if this was part of his moodiness but I am thinking it probably isn’t.

Thank you, Apileof. Now you come to mention it, our journey is a lot longer than it used to be. It’s about 30 mins by car now, used to be 15. Ex still lives close to school, so they cycle in, maybe that cuts the argument time.

It’s like that same space (in the car) where they can share their private stuff has become the space for moodiness. Makes sense, I guess.

Think I need to follow suit: combination of non-committal and yes, not taking it personally. It has been tough not to, and I have taken bait more than I would usually. Hmm some food for thought.

We are currently in our respective bedrooms and the space is helping massively! I’d not noticed this before but yes, I wonder if it’s a space issue, too...

My 6 year old DS is like this, just super grouchy, I think he spends all day trying to keep it together and unleashes when he gets home (he sounds so much like your DS) ! It's so hard to not end up in an argument and generally as awful as it sounds I now don't ask about his day unless he offers and if he does moan I just agree it's awful and change the subject to something more cheery - doesn't always work and sometimes anything and everything can set him off. I also do let him go on his tablet when he gets home to relax a bit, he has timed 45 minutes he's allowed and he knows if he argues that he misses it the next day.

Saltcrust thank you for suggestions. We drive in but sometimes I park further away and let him scooter some of the way in. You’re right - the act of doing that seems to take his mind off it. I will try to do this. I’d forgotten but I used to take the dog and he loved this, too.

Think you might be right about the water, too. He gets loads and there are fountains but he was complaining at having left his water bottle at home & not in car (one of his jobs is to fill it in the mornings). Might try to keep various bottles in the boot!

I feel better already, thank you!

Ahhh fair enough @littlepill. Is he in year six? Could it be pressure from SATS?

Much as I sympathise with the op, that's a bit harsh isn't it Laana? I would imagine that a divorce could have quite a profound impact on a 10 yr old; God forbid he should express an opinion about it!

Op - just another thought - have you caught him one time when he is happy and relaxed and tried to talk to him in a non-confrontational way about why he is moaning such a lot after school? He may not even know himself or be able to express it, but it might help to get him to dig down a bit and reflect on what particular aspects of his day he is finding difficult? Without laying it on too thick, you could remind him his behaviour has an impact on others etc. Then tell him you are on his side and want to help him overcome it etc etc? Maybe? It's difficult to know if he is genuinely finding things hard or he is just being disrespectful for the sake of it, but at least worth ruling out the former before disciplining the latter ifyswim.

Finally, I live in a country where 10 yr old boys often walk home from school by themselves? Would that be a possibility? Might give him a sense of responsibility/autonomy and you a bit of a break? Children often kick off a bit when they are ready for "the next stage" if that makes sense.