Every day moan moan at time pick up

[littlepill]

Every single day. I’ve tried earlier pick up, cutting back activities, stopping instruments. I bring his favourite snacks. He’s at a great school. He has friends. Yet every fricking day there’s a complaint which escalated into one or both of us losing our rag.

His father & I split last year on good terms & he divides up his time (successfully) but even that he moans about: “you’re not divorcing properly”. WTF.

It’s really getting me down.

Yiu really need to step on this behaviour not just ignore it -when hes 18/19/20 and treating you like shit you cant just shrug it off .
He may well be tired/stressed/angry but that doesnt mean he can take it out on you !
Acknowledge his feelings and make it clear this behaviour needs to stop .
If he wants to put headphones on then fine but no stropping.
Hes 10-get a choice of snacks in and he can decide the night before what he wants-no negotiating or moaning .

Sorry; took me so long to type that on tiny tablet thing didn't see that journey too long for him to do by himself!

We have a negative DD who moans when she's collected from school/after school club too. Have tried various tacks, but now I let her vent on the walk from school to the car, then change the subject while acknowledging her negative feelings (so 'Ok - that's the bad stuff out the way - what was the best bit of today?' Or similar). Sometimes works, sometimes she can't dredge up a positive so I change the subject completely to something interesting I heard on the radio or a funny YouTube clip I want to show her when we get home. Just to change the mood, really, as like you after a long day, there's only so much moaning I can take.

I'd just tell him to shut up moaning and that we wasnt getting anything at all until he improved his attitude and was pleasant and polite.

Has he got anything else to do in the car? Book to read, music or audiobook to listen to? Boredom could be a factor.

His life is probably seeing some upheaval at the moment with the divorce. He could be testing where all the boundaries are in the new status quo. Plus upheaval is stressful for anyone.

I think the poster who said about structured day is spot on: I remember now when he was about 4 or 5 and did similar, he said “you just don’t know how hard it is to be sensible all day!

This rings true for me. My ds tries hard to behave well at school and I think by the end of the day he had a lot of frustration to let out!

I am trying to get into the habit of asking him to tell me one good thing that happened in the day...helps to counter balance the moaning

Thank you, Saltcrust Yes some of it I do wonder if it has been the impact of the divorce. I think he is a bit confused sometimes, he said in another breath that when we are nice to one another, it gives him false hopes that we might get back together. Hmm I kind of see his point.

Yes, there have been one or two moments when he has been in a good mood and I've been able to calmly mention the negativity. He seems to have insight then, but it seems shortlived. I probably need to keep up my end, too, and to stop thinking about it being like eggshells, it's part of my own difficulty in being with other people. When he's not there, I am very solitary, and prob find it hard to share the car-space again.

Yes, too far to walk in, but he is better when he's with a friend (we sometimes lift share). Think I might break it up a bit with that, and also with the other mother doing home journeys. I feel guilty about not doing them all the time, but better to give each other a break and then be nice, than to be bickering.

QuiteCleanBandit The very reason I have posted is to step on this behaviour, yes! I am concerned he might turn into my ex! I did permit the doughnut beforehand, but it was a one-off. I usually just turn up with a couple of things and he's happy. Made a rod for my own back with that one, won't make that mistake again...

Rudgie47
I'd just tell him to shut up moaning and that we wasnt getting anything at all until he improved his attitude and was pleasant and polite. Tried that!

Flexoset That's a good point. He does listen to the radio and we lost focus. Usually we talk music or change stations, or whatever. He does sometimes read but gets carsick, but yes, the radio does distract him out of it (and maybe me, too). Yes, I think you're right about the upheaval.

If he has ASD traits then is it possible he’s letting off steam? My 6.5 year old moans a lot. I just let him. I find questions about my day after a long hot day very irritating and I am as NT as it gets. I think I would say he’s allowed to moan and grumble (after all if he can’t moan or grumble to his mum after a long when can he?) but he can’t be rude. In return you won’t ask him too many questions and will just let him be. Maybe put on some music in the car and just drive in silence for a bit. You shouldn’t feel under pressure to turn it into quality time.
As for the snack, give it to him, if he doesn’t want it, take it away and continue. If he behaves childishly then he will be treated like a child.
I think there are many components to this and some are more acceptable than others and you should find ways to filter some of this out and allow him the space to de-stress. (And I say this as quite a stern and strict mum at other times).

I hope you can find ways to let this settle (was going to say "handle this" but I think it is partly about being able to let it pass you by and then finding the right time to open conversations ...). I've been saying my 12-almost-13 yr old has been "practising for being a teenager" for a couple of years now too, so agree that hormones etc can have a role.

You mentioned older siblings at boarding school - will he be boarding later too? Will that be from 11 or 13 or not at all because of your family changes? My son will be boarding next year but at 10 when we started pretests and deciding about boarding vs day, he struggled to really express a preference or work out how to decide (also has a boarding sibling).

It could be that this is his way of expressing to you the stresses he has endured throughout the day. I don't have advice but this is my hunch.

I did wonder about your ExH when you mentioned "walking on egg shells"
Does your ExH still behave like this towards you?
I would put it plainly and firmly that you understand he feels xyz after school/due to the divorce but he cannot speak to you that way .
The suggestion of 15 minutes of silence is a good one -relieves the pressure and I bet he will be the one to speak first and rabbit on

I hear you about being around others op; I like my own company and find one to one with my teen (dh works v long hrs) quite intense sometimes. We both benefit from a bit of time out from one another sometimes.

Meant to add; so don't feel guilty!

Thanks again for replies!
Pythonesque Not sure if he will board later. We have offered the opportunity and he can decide. Family changes don't affect it in any way. His siblings didn't know at this age, there is time. He has an inkling of which of 2 schools he might like, and currently they seem like realistic choices, so we shall see. We've worked hard to make sure he's under as little pressure as possible with the divorce, this is why I am surprised by these outbursts.

QuiteCleanBandit Perversely, whilst I feel I am walking on eggshells with the son, I didn't and don't feel like this with ExH. Never did! We were simply too separate from the start and grew apart.

Feeling miles better today - mostly because of the solidarity on here, huge thanks!

To update, this morning was amazing. Really upbeat, despite some stresses being communicated. What helped:

• plenty of time for him to shower, and I did chip in a bit to help him along, meant no repeating myself and we could leave at a decent time

• no choice of breakfast. Briefly mentioned boiled egg or toast. He was non-committing so made both (soldiers) and he asked to try a bit of smoothie. No need to nag. I made time to have my coffee with him on the patio in the sunshine rather than leaving him to it. Think this makes a difference. I also let him order a book on my Amazon account

• in car, we discussed a music exam, he said he was stressed about it. Reminded him there is loads of time, and broke down practice time: "you could do this at daddy's house, and this part with me"

• he mentioned about school stuff, one specific subject. I broke that down, too, told him I will cover x with him, and the ex will do y (just need to text the ex this info!)

• distracted with radio, my coffee in travel cup , the lint brush. The latter seems particularly...err....special! It's one of those with a sealed covering so he had fun taking off the seal to start afresh and dusted himself down a few times

Going to try to suss out this space thing a bit more over the next few days...

It's funny, at the moment I am far more stressed than DS is (family member is sick, PIL are being horrible and financial woes) and I've noticed DS saying to me several times 'it's ok Mammy, I didn't mean to upset you, I was only mentioning that...' It's a bit of a role reversal! I think he can tell by my face when I feel overwhelmed by one more thing. In response I feel cared for and not criticised. It makes me realise that last year when I argued with him about silly things I was definitely making things worse.

Hello, just an idea but dd has mostly healthy snacks at school but is allowed one unhealthy one to be agreed in advance. This was mostly drive by 'her friends always having crisps'
She choose to have crisps on Monday.
This gives her some control whilst maintaining healthy snacks as normal.

Katy

Hi KatyS36 I am the same! The doughnut day was one of those agreed in advance. He had a tuna sandwich today and yesterday was chicken sandwich. Think he gets v v hungry which doesn't help matters!

I think he must have been ultra tired and stressed that day. Things have been better since - have managed to sweve any almost-arguments and he even said earlier "I like it when we talk in the car, Mummy".
Faints!

That's lovely to hear, littlepill. for you for perseverance and patience!

Aww thank you, @Apileofballyhoo

I think your post made me think... sometimes they do pick up on our stress, and it's easier to explain the friction in terms of that - they do mirror things back. You say yours can tell by your face when you feel overwhelmed - DS is similar. Not sure what I am trying to say, but thank you for posting, your words helped me!

Just hope I can keep it up...

Oh I think it's ok for them to see we're only human too. Don't pressure yourself to be kind and loving and patient 100% of the time, it's not possible. I just apologise if I'm snappy or grumpy and do my best to explain why. It's normally a signal to me I need to take better care of myself if I'm too stressed.

The other thing is, your DS feels safe to offload his stress on you - I know it seems weird to put it like that, but he obviously feels unconditionally loved. The things that he is moaning about now might be actual real problems and worries when he's a teen.

I just think you sound like a great mother, hence the flowers!