Terrified of baby crying while out

[HidingUnderTheSofa]

I have a six week old baby, my first child. I am gradually growing in confidence as a mum but something I am really struggling with is the fear of my baby crying whilst I’m out and can’t easily feed him to soothe him (he is exclusively breastfed).

I haven’t been out and about a huge amount as I’ve been recovering from a difficult birth but on a couple of occasions I have taken him out for a walk he has started crying hysterically whilst we are out.

On one occasion he’d been asleep and then woke up part way through the walk and on the other occasion he’d been happily awake in the pram for about 20 mins but then I guess decided he’d had enough for some reason.

I panicked and feel hugely guilty for letting him cry but there’s been nowhere I could easily get him out to feed him and calm him down so I’ve just had to walk him home as quickly as possible while he screams his head off, feeling like the worst mum in the world. He has been fed when we’ve been out so I’m talking about feeding him for comfort rather than him needing feeding due to hunger.

I am now at the point where I feel really fearful of leaving the house with him, which obviously isn’t a healthy way to be. I have a couple of appointments coming up that I’m already dreading.

I would love any advice to help me get over this fear/strategies for what I should do when my baby cries somewhere when I’m out and about. If I pick him up to calm him down he’s just started crying again as soon as I put him back in the pram.

I had the idea of always taking a sling out with me so i could pop him in the sling if he wasn’t enjoying being in the pram but so far he’s mainly hated going in the sling too (I have a Caboo sling hired from a sling library).

I really wouldn’t worry about that, your putting way to much pressure on yourself. Babies cry that’s what they do. Go out with your baby it gets you out and about even if it’s for a quick walk. You will go insanse being stuck in.

Babies do cry and he won't be harmed by having to cry a bit of his needs are being met (even if not immediately). Imagine if you had an older child that you needed to take to school. He would have to be lumped along, crying or not.

Babies cry, don’t put so much pressure on yourself. Or get a sling and chuck it in the bottom of the buggy, and use it if nessasary.

I walked around homesense yesterday holding my son and breastfeeding at the same time with a muslin over my shoulder, he’s 7 months though so we’ve been breastfeeding a while and I don’t know if you’re at that stage yet.

Get out and about even if it’s somewhere quiet and only a short walk, you’ll go mad if you’re stuck in!

I'm very much in the "if the baby is hungry feed it" camp. With my second I've stopped and fed on the grass at the side of the road. If you're embarrassed about feeding your baby, might a cover help? A large muslin or scarf can be useful. If you're worried others will judge you for having a crying baby, please don't be, we've all been there.

Also this stage won't last that long because they soon become really interested in the world around them and love going out.

Not saying any of these will be The Answer (if I had that I would be very rich!) but I am six weeks in with DC2 and things that sometimes work with him/worked with DC1 include:

• feed anyway even if it’s comfort. Can you feed without needing to sit down? Once I was able to feed and walk (started by wandering round my house feeding) it helped
• although not all babies like slings maybe try a different sling - stretchy wrap might be a better bet at this stage - you can pre tie it before you go out so it is ready instantly if needed. Try a Boba wrap or an Amawrap. FWIW I didn’t like the caboo at all despite having friends who swore by it. Worth trying several slings to find one that works for you and baby (eg stretchy wrap works for DS but didn’t for DD, buckled carrier wise I loved the manduka but dd hated it and screamed, she liked the Tula but I found it bulky, ended up with a connecta which worked all round)
• leave really really early for Amy necessary appointments (eg 6 week check) so you are relaxed - if you arrive really early (about half the time you won’t as it takes AGES getting out at first) then you can always feed in the waiting room or if you’re stupidly early go for a wander or a coffee.
• dummy. Your supply will be established by now so it shouldn’t muck up bf, I always hated the idea of a dummy but for DD it was a godsend and the only thing that kept me sane! DS doesn’t seem to need one at all so haven’t offered one and don’t intend to.

Please be kind to yourself - it sounds like you’re doing great, I remember feeling totally overwhelmed at that stage with DD, i found it so hard as it was all new. It’s genuinely easier the second time around even with a toddler in tow. good luck!

Can you get back to the sling library for advice (or just friendly support?). Or a breastfeeding drop in group. I had to pat my baby's bum pretty hard when in the sling at first to get her to settle!

Have you tried a dummy? Can be a life saver for situations like this. Or some sort of comfort toy to reassure him.

I had this! Seriously I thought I was the only one at the time. It’s confidence not your ability as a mum. I’ve had my second now and you’ll realise most people just let the baby cry and don’t give a monkeys. A few tips:
Your baby’s cry is loudest to and affects you more than anyone else. A six week cryer even if they are loud like my dc will sound like a car alarm to you but a kitten purring to everyone else - it’s really not as bad as you think it is if they cry.
Finishing paying for your shopping or bus journey or whatever and find a place to feed as soon as you can. It’s nearly summer! This is good - you can feed outdoors on a park bench etc - so many more options than winter. Plan your journey where you are going for where you could stop if needed. Cafes good for this.
Get a breastfeeding apron to help if you wanted to feel discrete
Only go out as soon as he has fed at home. Wind him well then put in pram. Don’t be afraid to only meet people or go out when it suits you best
Do short trips at first to build your confidence - if you’ve just fed him you should have 30 mins for a walk after
Have everything ready to go before you feed himvtherefore - even have your shoes on ready. Otherwise your getting ready time will eat into your 30 mins.
Raise his pram mattesss slightly with a blanket or something underneath it he doesn’t wind well
Open the pram hood if it’s not too sunny - mine were much happier watching the clouds and trees go by
Put an item of your clothing that you’ve worn and smells of you in the pram to help him know you are there
But honestly - don’t panic you aren’t a bad mum if he cries . It took me a long time to work out I thought I was a bad mum if they cried. I wasn’t. All babies cry

I remember this feeling OP. I hardly left the house at all for the first three months, but in my case I was worried that people would look at me and judge if my baby was crying in public. It seems ridiculous now (he’s 15), but I used to feel panicky too and be worried about getting him out the pram: what if he needed changing? What if he needed feeding? Looking back, I think maybe I had PND.

I spoke to my HV about my feelings and she reassured me all babies cry and it barely registers with other people and that the baby will be fine crying for a bit and no harm will come to him. I found it helped to feed as near to going out as possible, so I knew he would be okay. Also, hanging something for him to look at on the pram that I could draw his attention to to distract him helped as well. Sometimes he would cry because he was tired and fighting it, but would then fall asleep just as I thought he’d never settle.

All the best OP - it does get better.

I could have written this myself 5 months ago!

Not much in the way of specific advice but I promise it does get much much easier. I found that going out with my DH (and ds having meltdowns) helped so much because DH was able to give me support and remind me that nothing terrible had happened afterwards! It's about chipping away until you get more confident. Plus I got more and more happy to bf discreetly anywhere, and ds became easier to predict. Plus I did realise after some time that others don't even register the screaming, and if you're indoors feeling panicked you can always nip outside. You're never trapped (unless on a plane and even that is fine!)

The anxiety, I believe, is totally normal. But you'll soon realise that people are either not aware of the crying or are fellow (supportive and sympathetic) parents. I would recommend you keep trying with wrap sling as ital pay always sends them into a deep contented sleep and gives you a nice safety net

I always kept a sling in the basket below my pram and would quickly put the baby in it if they got upset being in the pram. But I have also breastfed at bus stops, sitting on low walls, on steps to buildings, on buses etc and would just stop and feed if that would help.

I hate this, and I don’t like the sound of other people’s babies crying either, it puts me on edge and I just want to comfort them even though their not mine, the sound makes my heart race abit faster, but that’s my problem and no one else’s and it is fine for a baby to cry. I however didn’t let my babies cry and comforted them straight away but again that was my problem, they don’t need to be comforted straight away but I couldn’t handle it and just done it, when I breast fed my second I exspressed inI to a bottle so I could feed her when I was out and going to be far away from the car.

If you can’t handle the sound of your baby crying either I suggest exspress jnto a bottle, but don’t not go out because of this, I done that and you will end up in a hole that’s hard to get out of, push yourself and still go out if you can.

And your baby's cry is probably much louder to you than anyone else.

What about starting with short trips out only to places where it’s easy to feed him? To start, I fed mine when we left the house, then in the car when we got there, then if we weren’t going somewhere I was going to sit and feed him anyway (restaurant or cafe), I knew where I could sit and feed him if I needed to. I often go to the library or I know where the quiet benches are or I’d just nip back to the car. Babies cry and it’s good to feed them for comfort too. It just might take a bit of planning in advance where you can go until things settle down. Then you are never far from a place to sit and feed him. As soon as mine wakes I know to head to the closest spot and feed him. And trust me everyone who has had a baby before knows they cry and no one is really bothered as much as you think they are.

Sling was my answer too. Dc has never liked a pushchair or pram so he was in a stretchy wrap for months. It was always tied on so I could pop him in and out all day. I also learnt to feed in it so I could easily wander around shops or park while he fed and nobody could see anything.

Also, remember that crying doesn't necessarily mean hunger, or even wants feeding. Cuddles can be a good way of soothing a baby and easier to do on the move.

Oh wow, I never expected to receive so many lovely responses!! I thought people might think I was completely pathetic and ridiculous so it’s heartening to know that others have felt the same way.

I would love to use a sling and DS has happily been in his twice (after some initial grizzling) however for the last few weeks he has cried hysterically when I’ve tried to put him in, and continued to do so after a few minutes of swaying/walking around to try to get him settled. I will definitely try a sling library again to see if I can work on the sling hating!

Same with the dummy- I have tried but he’s refused a dummy every time we have tried to give him one so far.

We took DS out in the car earlier in our local area and I tried to make a mental note of all of the benches that I would be able to stop at to breastfeed if needed.

Deandre I always try to comfort DS asap any time he cries if I can. The sound goes right through me and I felt the worst guilt when he’s cried whilst we are out. It’s happrned when I’ve been walking through a housing estate with no benches so I couldn’t think how to feed him anywhere. I wouldn’t feel confident breastfeeding him standing on the street I don’t think (although I would do it if desperate, ie if a long way from home).

Sorry for not replying to everyone individually but thank you so much to everyone who replied, so much much helpful advice. And it really helps to know I’m not alone in feeling like this. I’ve been worrying about it for days.

By the way, for those of you who had similar fears, did they ease over time or do you think I’ll always feel a bit like this?

I think you'll stop caring!
I was the same, until I realised that no one cared, and most people are sympathetic. And if they did care then they were complete eejits who have forgotten that they were once babies.
Use a sling if it makes you happy, but babies cry and babies need feeding and babies need taking out the house.
Go live your life.

It sounds like you haven't had much time to meet other new parents yet - if you have a chance to get out to any new baby groups it can be great to make connections and get out but also you get to hear other babies crying... And you realise that the same sound that shatters the baby's tired mother is basically a quiet mewling to everyone else

Good luck and hope you have fun!

The fear does pass, you get used to it and it is quite a short stage (although it doesn't feel like it!)

A tiny minority of miserable people might be judgy but 99.9% of people will be sympathetic. Life goes on whether the baby likes the supermarket or not! Most people recognise this and can tell that a crying baby isn't a sign of its quality of care, and babies just cry sometimes. My clean, fed, winded, comfortable, well loved baby just used to yell at the sheer injustice of being a baby on occasion

I used to make soothing shushy noises and tell the baby that we're just getting some bread then off home or whatever so everyone knew I was doing what I could. Your confidence will grow and you'll mind less soon.

Bless you OP! I had the same fear as you. It did get easier, especially when DS was able to sit up in the next stage of the pram (around 3 months for DS) as he then got distracted by everything that went passed him.

I've found coffee shops are super accommodating; especially cafe Nero and M&S cafe. In both they've just let me feed in there without ordering first and even pop over with a glass of water and see of i want anything and allow me to pay as I leave instead.

Also no one ever judges you for having a crying baby and everyone just wants to help or feels sorry for you. Anyone whose had a baby will totally understand the situation you are in.

Hopefully with the weather warming up you'll be able to stop easier to comfort if you wanted to. (I've stoped and sat on random brick walls before to BF haha!)

I found that I was less stressed after starting to take dc to baby classes. There's always one baby that screams their head off, sometimes it's yours, sometimes not. It helped to see that nobody minded and it was almost expected.