Terrified of baby crying while out

[HidingUnderTheSofa]

I have a six week old baby, my first child. I am gradually growing in confidence as a mum but something I am really struggling with is the fear of my baby crying whilst I’m out and can’t easily feed him to soothe him (he is exclusively breastfed).

I haven’t been out and about a huge amount as I’ve been recovering from a difficult birth but on a couple of occasions I have taken him out for a walk he has started crying hysterically whilst we are out.

On one occasion he’d been asleep and then woke up part way through the walk and on the other occasion he’d been happily awake in the pram for about 20 mins but then I guess decided he’d had enough for some reason.

I panicked and feel hugely guilty for letting him cry but there’s been nowhere I could easily get him out to feed him and calm him down so I’ve just had to walk him home as quickly as possible while he screams his head off, feeling like the worst mum in the world. He has been fed when we’ve been out so I’m talking about feeding him for comfort rather than him needing feeding due to hunger.

I am now at the point where I feel really fearful of leaving the house with him, which obviously isn’t a healthy way to be. I have a couple of appointments coming up that I’m already dreading.

I would love any advice to help me get over this fear/strategies for what I should do when my baby cries somewhere when I’m out and about. If I pick him up to calm him down he’s just started crying again as soon as I put him back in the pram.

I had the idea of always taking a sling out with me so i could pop him in the sling if he wasn’t enjoying being in the pram but so far he’s mainly hated going in the sling too (I have a Caboo sling hired from a sling library).

I totally agree with all those who have pointed out that your own baby’s cry sounds a lot louder to you than it does to anyone else!

I can’t bear it when my little 12-week old cries, and although getting my boobs out in public will never be my favourite thing, my priority is to soothe him as quickly as possible. Very often that means offering him a feed, and as he won’t take a bottle it can only be a breastfeed. I try not to pay any attention as to who might be looking my way when I do it.

Be brave! If you can relax a bit, it’ll feel brilliant and hopefully you’ll really enjoy getting out and about a bit more!

You've had some lovely wise responses here OP. I felt the same with my first. It passed as I got to know my baby.

Just to say breastfeeding can take up to 12 weeks to become established so be patient and kind with yourself, you'll be confident with it all in no time.

You are clearly a wonderful, attentive and caring mother.

I had the same anxiety when my baby cried. It use to go straight through me and I found it overwhelming at times. I now look back and think I associated him crying with me not being a good mother. I can now see (some years later) that that assumption was a load of rubbish! PLEASE, do what you feel is right for your baby, when you feel it’s right. If that means bf at the side of the road to calm baby and you down then do it. Please don’t give two hoots as to what anyone else thinks. You’ll only add extra pressure on yourself and you already sound like a very caring and attentive mother. This crying stage doesn’t last that long, before you know it your baby will be engrossed in the world around him and this tricky phase will pale into insignificance.

Totally agree with all the lovely replies here. Just adding another voice saying you’re doing a fab job and sound like a lovely mum. It sounds like you don’t have many mum friends yet? If so, baby groups can be a real godsend if you have any near you, and usually pretty supportive of feeding/have a quiet space, etc. They can be a bit scary at first but if you summon up the courage, you’ll discover that everyone’s in the same boat! My DC3 is nearly 4 weeks and when we’re out and about I generally look like I have my shit together - this is because her unsettled phase of the day is late afternoon, right when I have a million other things to do and 2 other kids to deal with! Many a tear has been shed between school pick up and bedtime - by all of us and she’s spent a fair bit of time yelling her head off in the sling, when I have other things to do before I can sort her out. It doesn’t seem to have done her any harm so far! They all cry at some time or other, they still love you at the end of it. And they change so fast at this age, a few months down the line you’ll be an old hand (and worrying about a whole bunch of other stuff!) don’t beat yourself up OP, you’re doing grand

just keep going! pretty soon you will not care about whapping a boob out and you will be a slick pro. keep it up! mine is 1yo and bf is a piece of cake now and i couldn't give a monkeys where we are but in the early days i was clumsy and self conscious and couldn't bear him to wake up wailing in public. it gets better !!

I felt like this, I think it's normal. What helped me was going out for coffee 2/3 times a week with my antenatal group and other 'mum friends' and their babies. We went to baby-friendly cafes that were usually quiet on weekdays. Sometimes my baby would cry, but if not mine then it would be someone else's! Soon it became so normal taking DD out and about that I hardly ever became anxious anymore.

6 weeks is still really early days but it will definitely get easier with time. Once he becomes more aware and alert he will probably be quite happy gawping at other people while you drink your tea!

A lot of department stores have mother and baby rooms, or get a nursing cover?

My worst day was when DS2 was 4 days old, DD was nearly 4, a trip to Asda took 5 hours because DS2 kept needing feeding, and DD kept needing the loo!

I had this. I was really scared of my dd crying even if I was at home. I had panic attacks so I really understand you.
I agree with others maybe going out for a coffee if you have somewhere walking distance you can always pop home if it gets too much. Do you have friends that can go out with you?
I found that people are very sympathetic towards a crying child always trying to cheer them up/pull faces etc so you won't be on your own by any means. You will slowly build your confidence up and it will be great for you and baby in the long run.

I really do know how you feel though I had a terrible time with it and I made it out alive and now me and dd who's nearly three love going out and about

My second is just a bit older than your baby, OP, and I'm amazed how much easier it is to get out and about this time. With my first I felt a lot like you, and wouldn't leave the house unless he was fed and changed immediately before we left. He still cried at unpredictable moments, and I still felt terrible! This time I'm more relaxed about feeding in public, but also more confident about not taking baby out of the pram if I think the problem isn't actually hunger.

Obviously it depends on the baby, but sometimes they cry just because they need to get back to sleep, and sometimes it takes longer than you think to get them to do that. (Also, even a few minutes of crying can feel like an eternity when you're out in public!) There's nothing wrong with feeding for comfort, but pushing them around in the pram or walking with them in the sling, even if they continue to cry for a bit, is also responding to their needs if what they need is sleep or soothing. So don't be afraid to try that too - nobody is judging you!

Yes, people always want to help you with a crying infant as pp said! Particularly shop assistants I've found, they want any excuse to come and hold the baby for a break under the guise of good customer service

i sat on the kerb at the edge of a road (not a busy one), a garden wall ( bit of a perch as there was a fence stuck in the wall), and once fed baby standing up. i had a frequent snack feeding baby so had to be able to feed when and whereever.

Thank you so much for the further responses. Yesterday wasn’t good; DS cried every time I tried to put him in the pram so didn’t leave the house at all even though I was desperate to feel the sunshine on my skin.

I feel like an utterly useless mother. I don’t know what to do with DS all day. I don’t know when is a good time to take him out for a walk or when I should ‘play’ with him (and I don’t know how to play with him, I feel so ashamed that I’ve had to google ‘how to play with a newborn). For the first few weeks I was just glued to the sofa with DS feeding or napping and it seemed fine and normal not to do anything. But then at four weeks he suddenly became much more alert and now I don’t know what to do with him. The embarrassing thing is that I NEVER thought I would be such a crap mum with zero instincts about what to do.

DS seems to be having a lot of problems with his digestion, which I gather is normal for his age, but I hate seeing him arching his back and crying in pain after every feed. I feel like I’m hurting him by feeding him and then I end up feeding him to comfort him which I worry is totally the wrong thing to do. DS had a traumatic birth and I worry that he somehow got damaged during the birth and that’s why he’s crying a lot at the moment (he didn’t cry much until a couple of weeks ago).

I feel very very down and the sleep deprivation doesn’t help. I look and feel like a shell of my former self. Thank you again for all the support. I do have an NCT group and they are lovely but their babies are sleeping longer and their struggles seem to be more physical difficulties (eg blocked milk ducts) rather than because they’re struggling with being a good Mum. They post pictures of themselves out and about loads and it makes me feel worse.

I think you need to see your health visitor. Ask yours if they’ll do a home visit and tell them what you’ve said on here.
It gets better honest!

Health visitor is aware I’m struggling. Have been given a number I can call but services are so overstretched in my area that I will be waiting months for any support (I sought help for anxiety early in my pregnancy and wasn’t offered an appointment til right at the end of the pregnancy).

Does your NCT group meet regularly in person? If not why not text them to suggest setting this up. When I was in NCT we did this at a supermarket cafe first and later met up at each other's houses. I'm sure they ARE feeling just like you, even if they are managing to get out and about! It's a perfectly normal worry.

Newborns do not need or want to be played with so you're not being crap in not knowing how to do that! Once they start responding to things you can do more playing stuff. I'm sure it doesn't matter at all when you take him for a walk - try out different times and see what works best?

If he's struggling with reflux or colic then he might find the flatness of the pram difficult. Do you have a car seat which goes on it, or a parent facing seat for it which reclines? This can be more comfy for them when they have tummy troubles. It's not unsafe to use the car seat on the pushchair as long as you take him out regularly for a cuddle, change or feed. Ask your GP or health visitor about infacol as well.

Defo note bench locations for when out. You can also sit down in grass to feed, I did this a lot. Stick a blanket in the buggy to sit on. And/or plan your outings to places where you know you'll be able to sit down, like town centres, coffee shops, friends houses or parks.

Good luck!

You can't really play with them other than showing them high contrast pictures. I also was googling what on earth to do with him, it's not just you.

You need an emergency gp appointment, not one to book in advance. Don't leave it as late as I did, dc was almost 4 months before I started getting very worried by all the intrusive thoughts. Gp saw me same day and put me on sertraline, but that takes a few weeks to kick in.

Once you've got the hang of it you will be OK, just takes some of us a bit longer than others like learning any new skill.

Also, TBH, if you're googling what to do with him it must mean that you're doing quite well as it means there are times in the day when both of you are awake and not crying!

Echoing what others have said. Everything is exciting to a baby, it's all new. But, for your own sanity, it's useful if you can get out the house at least once a day with baby.
If there is an issue with reflux a sling is usually better than a pram because being upright helps. I know you've said that the sling isn't working at the moment either, but it's worth trying to get to a sling meet to try some out or see if they have any suggestions.

Oh darling, this was me too. I had no odea what to do with a baby, and his cry went through me like a drill. If I was for some reason unable to soothe him almost immediately, I would end up crying myself. It was grim. But! It gets better. As they get older, they cry less when out as being out becomes interesting in itself. Breastfeeding becomes so easy - you and thr baby become experts and they latch on like champs. They do more and more, so you can do things like give them a spoon or a whisk or a measuring cup set, and it occupies them. Honestly, it gets SO much easier.

My first trips out were to a breastfeeding support group run by the local children's centre, and baby yoga. Ideal - babies everywhere, everyone in the same boat. And at the bf-ing group, there were biscuits 👍

Re the sling. A lot of it is parental confidence. Babies generally take a while to calm down once in as they don't like being messed with. Put baby in and go for a walk. They pick up on your stress levels too, so try when you're both calm and relaxed. It will honestly make a big difference x

Your putting to much pressure on yourself, you are a good parent you just need more time to learn the ropes. Doesn’t like laying down full stop or just the pram?? Could reflux be a possibility?

Thank you for all the advice, supportive comments, especially the ‘i’ve been there’ ones; it really helps to know that I’m not alone in feeling like I do. I managed to take DS to the GP this week. He cried but not til the end so I was able to go off and feed him. I was so stressed in the run up to the appointment but afterwards could see that mentally it was nice to be out in the real world and escape these four walls. I’ve now got to brave taking him to my postnatal check and feel nervous about that.

Im also determined to practise with the sling a little every day in the hope that he gets more used to it and is reliably happy to go in it.

I’m signed up for baby massage which starts in a few weeks. It’ll be a small class and I’m really looking forward to that.

Deandre I have wondered a lot about reflux but DS is sometimes fine sleeping in the pram during the day.

How are you getting on OP? Have your massage classes started yet? Been thinking of you!