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Parenting

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Original poster

I can't do this. I'm a terrible mother.

31 replies

Twounder1 · 30/04/2018 19:51

I have two kids. I'm 22, struggling with severe depression, wanting to hurt myself and not be here. I'm downstairs at 3am every night with my newborn just sobbing while he sleeps contemplating my life. I'm really sleep deprived as dp deals with dd on the nights still. She's just turned one and I have a 4 week old.
I'm pretty much doing it all on my own. They also set each other off. If one cries, the other cries. Its an endless cycle. I have no time for myself. I can't remember the last time I ate a meal properly. It's just a few sweets throughout the day for energy for me now. The weight has dropped off me. Finances are shit. Dp is unemployed. I am unable to claim SMP and maternity allowance due to his jsa support claim. We are on 600 a month awaiting benefits to be sorted out. Or him to get a job. Our rent is 400. Barely scraping. I can't afford anything for my kids although I've sold the rest of my possessions for them, I feel shit it's turned out this way.
I have no patience anymore. I'm trying to breast feed and it's really not going well an we are both frustrated. As well as I'm now loosing the bond with dd. I just shouted at her for screaming for no reason (I've made sure she is fed, nappy OK, teeth I've given her some calpol, she has woken from a nap, all okay) it's like a high pitch scream for no reason I can find. Ds was starting to worry? He was agitated by it and dp was just no help. I'm doing this literally alone.

Whilst becoming a shadow. I'm only living for my kids. I have no friends anymore, no one to talk to, family.. I don't want them to know Im struggling.. I need help :(

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

FlyingCat · 30/04/2018 19:55

I’m so sorry to read this, it sounds like you are doing a great job in very difficult circumstances. Have you spoken to anyone in real life? A gp? A health visitor? A friend or family member?

Perhaps ask about some homestart support to help you get some rest?

Could either you or dp be suffering from depression?

This stuff is really hard and i understand how you are feeling. Be reassured this time with pass though. Hang in there. Hugs.

AsAProfessionalFekko · 30/04/2018 19:56

If your DP isn’t working right now he needs to step in and take the pressure off you.

The work situation is temporary - I know it’s rubbish but it will pass.

You have to eat - make time for a sandwich and get away from the kids and sit in peace for a little while. Get out and about - are there any mum and baby classes you can go to? Any other family that can help?

Backingvocals · 30/04/2018 19:57

Oh you poor darling. It’s awful to be where you are and feel so hopeless. The fact is you will get through this but that probably feels untrue right now.

I think you need to make some toast and tea and then call the GP in the morning.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

0-3 months old Babies & sleep Families General parenting

PersianCatLady · 30/04/2018 19:58

How long has DP been out of work for?

Is there anything he could do to improve his chances of getting a job?

Callamia · 30/04/2018 19:59

You’re a hero. You’re doing this. You are feeding and loving two tiny children, at great cost to yourself.

But, things can’t go on like this. Im no expert on benefits and access to help, but others are. Is Home-Start something you would consider for practical support?

Do put your own needs first too. You need to eat well. You should have free postnatal vitamins at the very least. I know it’s hard to put yourself first, but you must - you must make sure you give yourself a chance to feel ok.

You’re in a very tough situation; physically and mentally exhausting. Be kind to yourself. Grab support from anyone who is able to offer it.

CawsNaked · 30/04/2018 20:01

You are not a terrible mother. You are doing an incredibly hard job at a very young age. I was only a little younger than you when I had my first baby (and I didn't have to deal with two under 2!). It's incredibly difficult and isolating and frightening. None of my friends understood what I was going through and were annoyed I couldn't make time for them. I was a complete wreck, I wanted very very much to not be alive. I've gone on to have lots more children and to be incredibly happy.

It will get better. This is the hardest part. You will get through it. As others have said, you need to make time to eat and talk to someone who can offer you decent support. You don't have to be alone.

ificouldwritealettertome · 30/04/2018 20:01

Motherhood is so fucking hard and I completely know how you feel. You are not alone. You are not doing a shit job. This is such a hard time for anyone, even someone with complete financial stability and a strong support network- let alone for someone without those things.

We are here to talk and to vent to, you are not alone xxx

Wait4nothing · 30/04/2018 20:11

Do you have a local children’s centre? Ours would be over the moon if you reached out to them for support - someone would be available to chat to you while keeping an eye on the kids and helping you come up with some plans to make life a little easier right now. If not reach out to health visitor - they are there to make sure you have the support you need. I don’t think anyone would find it easy in your position! I’m sure you’re doing a much better job than you’re giving yourself credit for - now you need to care for yourself a bit too.

seven201 · 30/04/2018 20:17

Might the feeding issues be linked to you not eating properly? You do need to make sure you eat for your own energy and for the baby/feeding.

I hope things improve for you. Do reach out to family and/or local support groups. There's no shame in needing help.

Candyflosss · 30/04/2018 20:20

You are going through a very difficult time. Mine were just over a year apart, I had a break down due to lack of sleep so I know how much pain it must be for you without support. All I can suggest is, don't let all of the crying get to you. As long as the children are in the safe place it is okay to sit in another room, close your eyes and pretend you are child free for few minutes. You can handle the children better when you are calm. Just remember, don't let the crying get to you!

CanIGetARefund · 30/04/2018 20:35

Postnatal depression is common and can be successfully treated with antidepressants. Have you been to your GP? If you are already taking antidepressants, please contact your GP and say they are not helping. It can take a few adjustments to get the right tablet at the right dose. Nothing in your post suggests you are a bad mum. This is how depression makes you feel. Your situation sounds very difficult and anyone in your shoes would be struggling. Please reach out for professional help

Spudina · 30/04/2018 20:36

What everyone else has said...hang in there. I promise it gets easier. Plus if breast feeding is not working, it is totally fine to stop. It only works, if it works for your whole family. Well done for trying, you have given your baby a great start. But if it will make life easier stopping and then your DP give the baby a bottle while you sleep then do that. I sobbed for 2 weeks when I couldn't feed DD2 like I had DD1, but it wasn't working and I knew it was the right thing to do. You are not alone. X

Toasttea · 30/04/2018 20:40

You are not a terrible mother! Your doing an amazing job! It can’t be easy having 2 children so young but honestly your doing amazing! Keep your chin up. Please go and speak with someone, what about the heath visitor? no one will judge you they will only want to give you the support you need. Please try and eat more, you do need your energy. Stay strong x

Original poster

Twounder1 · 30/04/2018 20:46

We've had a new health visitor and she's incredibly patronising. I didn't have to do it with dd, but she made me demonstrate how I sterilise my bottles etc told me I was doing them wrong etc. (I wasn't, they're mam bottles and she surprisingly hadn't seen them before) I'm going to the doctors in the morning in the hopes for some antidepressants. I've been on citilopram? But it made me numb and angry. Thank you all for your kind replies xx

OP posts:

FlyingCat · 30/04/2018 20:53

If you don’t get on with your HV you are entitled to ring up and ask for a different one to be assigned. They can be really helpful if you get the right one (and the wrong ones can be utterly disasterous!)

Original poster

Twounder1 · 30/04/2018 20:54

Can i really do that? She just seemed to think I couldn't do it I think. Kept mentioning social services etc. It really worries me if she comes over now and my house is untidy or if I'm a mess, which I am that ill get reported but that's just the vibe I got from her.

OP posts:

Spudina · 30/04/2018 21:04

Health visitors like to see a bit of untidiness I think. If you and your house are completely spotless it means you are spending more time cleaning than caring for your kids (can be a sign of OCD for example.) As long as you are all not living in filth, don't worry about that. X

CanIGetARefund · 30/04/2018 21:09

You can absolutely change your HV. You can just say you didn't click. And some GPs are much better at dealing with depression than others, so if you aren't completely satisfied, talk to another and another if necessary. It does take 6 weeks to get the full effect of tablets, and you can get some annoying side effects in the first week or so. I honestly have not met anyone that has taken antidepressants that didn't say they helped a lot.

CanIGetARefund · 30/04/2018 21:18

You can call the Samaritans free on 116123. Especially if you are feeling all alone at night. Sometimes, just telling someone how bad you are feeling can really help. Are you sure you can't talk to your family? What are you worried might happen if you let them know how you are struggling?

Original poster

Twounder1 · 30/04/2018 21:30

My dad bullies me do he's hopeless. He already says I'm a bad mother for not putting dd in her own room (no heating upstairs, her room was - 5 in the snow as the windows need replacing) so because I didn't want her to freeze and I wanted her in with us, I'm a bad mom)
An my mom, I love my mom. She helps little bits with dd but my brother committed suicide in 2015. I can't tell her I feel the same. She's had enough worry

OP posts:

Mybabystolemysanity · 30/04/2018 21:35

Please, please go back to the health visiting service and ask for a chat with someone else, preferably whoever is in charge of the office. Mine literally saved my life by being there when I was at rock bottom when DD was nine months old and I couldn't tell anyone.

Toasttea · 30/04/2018 21:37

Oh god you really need to change your HV. You can absolutely do it. She sounds horrible! Call them up first thing x

princesspeppax · 30/04/2018 21:43

Hi op, sorry your feeling like this I wanted to say i know sometimes it seems so hard (im also only 22 and have 2 young kids) but days will get better and hopefully your oh finds a job or gets benefits sorted which will hopefully relieve some of the stress, also have you ever tried toddler groups ? I found them a god sent and felt it gave me a reason to get me and kids ready in the mornings and it felt good to talk with other mums who are sometimes going through similar x

CanIGetARefund · 30/04/2018 22:18

You are right about your dad, that was a nasty, mean thing he said. And I am sorry about your brother. I think your mum would probably prefer to know you are not coping. She probably wishes she could have known about your brother so she could have tried to help. I understand you are trying to protect her, but If you were my daughter, I would want to know and be allowed the opportunity to help. Have you talked to your DP about how you are feeling? I think he would prefer you to wake him up and talk to him when you are feeling suicidal. Let him help you. You sound like a good person, OP. Your kids need you to get through this. It's going to be worth it. Things are going to get much better.

Callamia · 30/04/2018 23:21

I’m sorry your Health Visitor was so unhelpful. Please ask to speak to someone else. Mine was great when I had my second child. He was an unhappy baby, and I was tired and miserable. She was just kind, she didn’t care about the state of the house (a preschooler and a massive tiredness - tidiness wasn’t something I could care about).

You’re clearly doing great under challenging circumstances. I hope things improve for you all.

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