I can't do this. I'm a terrible mother.

[Twounder1]

I have two kids. I'm 22, struggling with severe depression, wanting to hurt myself and not be here. I'm downstairs at 3am every night with my newborn just sobbing while he sleeps contemplating my life. I'm really sleep deprived as dp deals with dd on the nights still. She's just turned one and I have a 4 week old.
I'm pretty much doing it all on my own. They also set each other off. If one cries, the other cries. Its an endless cycle. I have no time for myself. I can't remember the last time I ate a meal properly. It's just a few sweets throughout the day for energy for me now. The weight has dropped off me. Finances are shit. Dp is unemployed. I am unable to claim SMP and maternity allowance due to his jsa support claim. We are on 600 a month awaiting benefits to be sorted out. Or him to get a job. Our rent is 400. Barely scraping. I can't afford anything for my kids although I've sold the rest of my possessions for them, I feel shit it's turned out this way.
I have no patience anymore. I'm trying to breast feed and it's really not going well an we are both frustrated. As well as I'm now loosing the bond with dd. I just shouted at her for screaming for no reason (I've made sure she is fed, nappy OK, teeth I've given her some calpol, she has woken from a nap, all okay) it's like a high pitch scream for no reason I can find. Ds was starting to worry? He was agitated by it and dp was just no help. I'm doing this literally alone.

Whilst becoming a shadow. I'm only living for my kids. I have no friends anymore, no one to talk to, family.. I don't want them to know Im struggling.. I need help :(

Fed is best. If breast feeding isn't working for you then it's absolutely fine to stop. With formula DP could take over to give you a break, or your mum.

Dp can always tell when I'm down. He will always go out of his way to make me happy. He told me he'd come along to the doctors with me if I wanted him to but all I want to do is isolate myself and I find myself getting nasty with him and pushing him away. I feel awful about it :(

I think your partner really needs to step up here. Given he's not working, he should be taking on at more childcare - you certainly shouldn't feel like you are doing all of it alone. Combi /formula feeding may help, as he can then give bottles and do half of the nights.

If you are taking in the brunt of childcare, then he needs to take the lead in cooking, making sure you have regular meals etc.

Your partner sounds nice. Why are you pushing him away, OP? Are you struggling to trust him? Or do you feel you don't deserve to be helped? Your children need you to work as a team with him. Can you let him help you, for their sakes, even if you are not ready to do it for yours? If you are having difficulty sharing you feelings with loved ones, have you considered counselling? Your GP can refer you. You have had so much to deal with. Anybody in your position would benefit from talking things through with a counsellor. I wish I had reached out for help when my children were very young. I waited too long to ask for help and I regret it now.

If your dad is making you feel worse then avoid him as right now you don't need that

Thank you all, dp cooks etc. I would probably set fire to the house if I attempted. He cooks for us every day, but I just don't want it. I do most of the cleaning etc. He has taken dd on a lot. Ds is quite easy at the moment but I think a lot of it is hormones and sleep deprivation.
I feel like I should be earth mother if that makes sense and do it all myself, spotless home etc, I don't think I deserve help.
I went to a medium today, she told me exactly how I was feeling and how I made dp feel, apparently I'm bringing him down because of my mood towards him and the depression. (he's not once voiced this to me) I went home and told him and he told me it was true and he was worried about me and he was down because I was. Kinda made me feel worse