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Original poster

Grandparents

40 replies

Emilyyyy · 27/04/2018 23:44

Hi everyone,

Basically I live 50 miles away from my family due to a few things... I go uni here and my lo dad is from here. I also don't drive.

My OH mum is retired and he is an only child. We have 1 lb together.

2 months after he was born she decided with my FIL to buy a house 3 hours away and move there. Their original plan was to move within 6 months however a year later they are still in our area. My MIL has a fabulous bond with my lb but she's moving at the end of the year.

She texts me if she hadn't seen him for a few days telling me how much she misses him. We were talking today and I asked whether she regrets being so quick to buy the house considering she did it whilst he was so young and didn't have half the bond she has now with him. She said she wishes she had waited but she still wants to go, she doesn't want to be like her friend who devote their time to their grandchildren. She wants to just see him as and when it's convienent for her.

Now, my problem is I now feel like when she has her new life when she moves away she will only want to see him when she's bored or got nothing better to do. Even her bestfriend has said "What about ***?" Other mutual friends of theirs have even approached me baffled into why she would move so far away when you have just had a grandchild.

I'm also concerned because of the bond my lb has with her and I'm worried he will miss her because he will be nearly 2 when she goes.

I don't know want to think really because I had such a close bond with my grandparents and they always wanted to see me and I just feel bad for my lb that his nan doesn't feel the same.

I pay for childcare for my son anyway so that's not a problem I'm not trying to get out doing that because he enjoys nursery but I just wish I didn't feel like she only wants him when she can be bothered.

Am I wrong to be feeling like this? Please be kind and don't bash me because I'm genuinely abit confused about the situation. They had never even spoke about moving previously and kind of feel they are doing it because they don't want to be grandparents... I don't even know I'm just so confused and upset for my lb.

Please no bashing.

OP posts:

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TroubledLichen · 27/04/2018 23:55

So your MIL is brilliant with your little boy, they have a fab bond, she texts if she hasn’t seen him in a while to check in but doesn’t otherwise interfere... she sounds like a dream! It sounds like the move has been on the cards for a while and is unrelated to your son, and as much as she loves him she’s not arranging her whole life around him which to me sounds pretty healthy. In the nicest possible way, you have no reason to be upset and I’m sure many people would really envy you (go read some of the AIBU in law posts)!

Original poster

Emilyyyy · 28/04/2018 00:04

She is constantly interfering. There is a mountain of problems but my post was already so long. She will drop having him last minute if she finds something better to do.

A move was on the cards but a half an hour move into the countryside not 3 hours away.

I don't expect her to rearrange her life just not only bother when she's got nothing better to do.

My main concern is that my son will miss her when she moves.

OP posts:

BackforGood · 28/04/2018 00:39

Well yes, you are being very entitled to think people should put their life on hold for you and your ds.
Of course she should move if that's what she wants to do with the next stage of her life.
Loads of people live a good distance from Grandparents, and have a great relationship with them - even before the invention of things like Skype / Facetime, which make life even easier.
Growing up, my parents were the only family in our City. It was about 4 hours travel to get to see Grandparents, but we have a great relationship with them.

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Original poster

Emilyyyy · 28/04/2018 01:39

Backforgood I don't think she should put her life on hold that's not what I am saying at all. I just find it bewildering why she would decide to move so far away as soon as my son was born then expect to see him when she can be bothered.

I think I'm just in foreign territory because my grandparents lived just around the corner and made such an effort with me. I just think my experiences and looking at other people around me experiences of their children's grandparents is making me feel abit sorry for my son. As I said childcare isn't an issue it's purely the fact their bond they have got and how it will effect my son when she moves. I just think it's odd how she will text me if it's been a few days since she last seen him when she's going to move away and see him even less. If she misses him after a few days why would she move 3 hours away where she will go without seeing him even longer.

I just don't think I've explained myself very well.

OP posts:

mindutopia · 28/04/2018 18:33

I think you’re overthinking it. Kids are very flexible and it really won’t make any difference. My mum lives an 11 hour long haul flight from us. She has a lovely bond with our dd despite only being able to visit about 3 times a year (we’re lucky she can do that!). My MIL similarly only saw her about 3 times a year (she only lives 1.5 hours away but just didn’t care that much). We recently had a period of about a year and a half where MIL didn’t see her at all (due to issues in her life with her partner who has a history of abuse). Honestly, my dd (who was 3-5 years during this time) hardly noticed! Children are way more flexible than we give them credit so I wouldn’t overthink it. Your lo will be fine. I’d just let her get on with it.

BackforGood · 28/04/2018 22:02

Well, you are, you are saying you are "bewildered" that they might want to - er - do what they want to do, with their lives. It is because it is their life. They have done their parenting. They have brought up their dc. Now they have some time without that responsibility and can choose where to live, what lifestyle to have. They don't have any responsibility to live round the corner from you, they can live where suits you. Lots of people retire away to the country or the seaside or to the Country, or, tbh, to a different City.

SoyDora · 28/04/2018 22:07

DH’s parents moved abroad when I was pregnant with DD1.
They still have a great bond with their GC. We FaceTime a lot, we go there once a year, they visit here a few times a year. Because they’re not involved in the day to day stuff it always feels like a huge treat to my DC when they see them... they love it.
People have to do what’s right for them. My IL’s are happy where they’re living, and they wouldn’t have been if they’d have stayed here. Doesn’t mean they love their GC any less.

PasstheStarmix · 28/04/2018 22:15

Unfortunately not everyone wants to be grandparents and that’s fine. Me and dh have came to accept that as both sides are useless.

summerinthecountry · 28/04/2018 22:28

Your child is too young to care, and quite frankly if she drops you at a moments notice then maybe this move is for the best.
Reading between the lines you feel your son is a time filler for me ( i am sure she loves him)
Just accept, adjust and enjoy your child -

summerinthecountry · 28/04/2018 22:29

Time filler for her

Loandbeholdagain · 28/04/2018 22:32

My parents moved to Australia just after my second child was born. I don’t understand it all. I would definitely want to be near my children’s families.

BackforGood · 28/04/2018 23:05

But you don't have to live round the corner to "be grandparents" PasstheStarMix. I'm sorry if your parents aren't particularly interested, but there isn't a correlation between where you live, and how interested you are in your Grandchildren.

TroubledLichen · 28/04/2018 23:54

If she’s constantly interfering and there are problems then surely it’s a relief that she’s moving further away... really don’t understand why you are upset. And as PP have said, kids are flexible and your son will be fine!

Original poster

Emilyyyy · 29/04/2018 03:01

Troubledlichen, that's from my POV she interferes. I am more bothered about my son which is why I never included it in my OP.

I went to my FIL 60th tonight and took my son and was flooded with "I have my grandchild everyday" and "I'm so jealous" (of the MIL) which made me feel even worse... my child deserves a doting grandparent as anybody else.

I am well aware that when I decided to have a child I had/have a duty to look after my grandchildren... I'm 22 and know that. Don't have children if you dont want grandchildren.

OP posts:

Ladywillpower · 29/04/2018 04:07

My granddaughter is 2 & lives 4 hours drive away. I love spending time with her but certainly don't see it as my "duty" to look after her!
Moving away doesn't have to mean that your ILs can't have a good relationship with your ds.

hayli · 29/04/2018 04:39

I am well aware that when I decided to have a child I had/have a duty to look after my grandchildren... I'm 22 and know that. Don't have children if you dont want grandchildren.
Im sorry but ur completely off the mark here.* Clearly can tell ur really young now. You really sound entitled.* What do you mean dont have children if you dont want grandchildren and have a duty to look after them ?!!!!!
plenty of grandparents live or have moved away from their grandkids.* Believe me ur son will be fine. Stop the worrying.*

PasstheStarmix · 29/04/2018 04:41

@BackforGood I didn’t say that there was

PasstheStarmix · 29/04/2018 04:42

if op is finding her child’s GP’s poor that’s just it really. It’s not related to where they live to be clear. Not everyone wants to grandparent as I’ve found out myself.

Coyoacan · 29/04/2018 05:14

Don't have children if you dont want grandchildren

Whao! What a dogmatic thing to say.

Maybe your MIL is doing this so that she won't be living her life through her son and his family. My MIL wanted to keep her youngest dd living with her forever and I swore I would never be like that. Maybe your MIL had an interfering MIL herself and is trying to avoid living like that.

JoandMax · 29/04/2018 05:37

You’re overthinking this - if the bond is there they will continue to have a great relationship regardless of distance. My DC are incredibly close to my parents and we’re a 7.5 hour flight away. They speak to DC every week, I send photos etc so even though they aren’t here physically they know so much detail about their day to day lives. When we do see them (I go back for 6 weeks each summer, they come here 2/3 times in between) we’re on holiday mode so we go out, have fun and get so much quality time together.

Also DC are more flexible and selfish than you realize!!! They don’t think of distance or time in the way we do, as long as they are happy in the moment they don’t really worry about other people!

It sounds like you have long standing issues with your MIL anyway and are focusing all your emotion on this one thing........

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 29/04/2018 06:18

My dd loved her first key worker in nursery, ran to her every morning without a backward glance. When she moved rooms around 2yrs she never mentioned her again. When we bumped into her in supermarket 10yrs later she had no idea the woman had ever existed. In terms of the day to day contact he is still young, he won't miss her for long, it will become his normal.

In terms of a longerterm bond I am guessing they are fairly young, he will have his childhood visiting them, them coming to see him. He will get to know them.

You seem fixed on them as the grandparents with the responsibility, what about your parents who might share your view of the role of grandparents. Can you learn to drive over the summer so 50 miles doesn't seem so far away? Plan to move a little closer once your degree is finished.

You say MIL is unreliable and interfering, over the years that might drive a wedge in your relationship and hence your son's relationship. My dc would not have had such a positive relationship with their GP if we had lived down the road and I had to spend much more time with them.

Copperbonnet · 29/04/2018 06:32

My parents and PILs live on the other side of the world from us and only see us once a year.

They all have a wonderful bond with my children.

Your MIL is perfectly entitled to only see her grandchildren at her convenience.

I am well aware that when I decided to have a child I had/have a duty to look after my grandchildren... I'm 22 and know that. Don't have children if you dont want grandchildren

^^ this is completely and utterly wrong.

SoyDora · 29/04/2018 08:12

I am well aware that when I decided to have a child I had/have a duty to look after my grandchildren... I'm 22 and know that. Don't have children if you dont want grandchildren

This is rubbish. They have absolutely no duty to look after your children at all.
My mum works full time and also suffers from some health issues so can’t look after my children. Should she have not had children? My children absolutely adore her by the way, she doesn’t have to do child care to have a bond with them.
As I said upthread, my IL’s moved abroad when I was pregnant. They are fantastic grandparents and have a great bond with my DC. They don’t do any child care.

BackforGood · 29/04/2018 13:22

Sorry Passthestarmix if I misinterpreted what you said. I inferred from what you'd written that you were agreeing with the OP that there was somehow a correlation between how much her dc's Grandparents loved their grandchild and how close they lived. Apologies if that isn't what you meant.

I am well aware that when I decided to have a child I had/have a duty to look after my grandchildren... I'm 22 and know that. Don't have children if you dont want grandchildren.

Wow. Just wow. You've made a giant leap into ridiculousness now. Previously I just thought the only experience you had had was for Grandparents to be living round the corner and that you were just unaware that there are millions of loving and involved Grandparents who live some distance from their Grandchild.

^ This statement has shown you to be completely bonkers.

PasstheStarmix · 29/04/2018 13:31

@BackforGood that’s okay. No that’s not what I meant. Mine and dh’s parents live around the corner and have chose not the grandparents. My friend’s parents live abroad and they literally see her dc more than mine see mine and as I say they’re around the corner! Distance has absolutely nothing to do with it.

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