Grandparents

[Emilyyyy]

Hi everyone,

Basically I live 50 miles away from my family due to a few things... I go uni here and my lo dad is from here. I also don't drive.

My OH mum is retired and he is an only child. We have 1 lb together.

2 months after he was born she decided with my FIL to buy a house 3 hours away and move there. Their original plan was to move within 6 months however a year later they are still in our area. My MIL has a fabulous bond with my lb but she's moving at the end of the year.

She texts me if she hadn't seen him for a few days telling me how much she misses him. We were talking today and I asked whether she regrets being so quick to buy the house considering she did it whilst he was so young and didn't have half the bond she has now with him. She said she wishes she had waited but she still wants to go, she doesn't want to be like her friend who devote their time to their grandchildren. She wants to just see him as and when it's convienent for her.

Now, my problem is I now feel like when she has her new life when she moves away she will only want to see him when she's bored or got nothing better to do. Even her bestfriend has said "What about ***?" Other mutual friends of theirs have even approached me baffled into why she would move so far away when you have just had a grandchild.

I'm also concerned because of the bond my lb has with her and I'm worried he will miss her because he will be nearly 2 when she goes.

I don't know want to think really because I had such a close bond with my grandparents and they always wanted to see me and I just feel bad for my lb that his nan doesn't feel the same.

I pay for childcare for my son anyway so that's not a problem I'm not trying to get out doing that because he enjoys nursery but I just wish I didn't feel like she only wants him when she can be bothered.

Am I wrong to be feeling like this? Please be kind and don't bash me because I'm genuinely abit confused about the situation. They had never even spoke about moving previously and kind of feel they are doing it because they don't want to be grandparents... I don't even know I'm just so confused and upset for my lb.

Please no bashing.

chosen not to* should say

Don't have children if you dont want grandchildren
Right there is the truly crazy part of your argument. It’s a good job for you that your MIL didn’t follow this ‘advice’ as your DP and therefore your DS wouldn’t exist

I didn't read what I wrote before I posted.... What I ment was i feel that when I myself have GC that I personally have a duty to look after them and to be there for them. I don't need her to look after my little boy as my mum will have him odd nights for me and also he loves going nursery. She doesn't have a duty to look after him at all.
Maybe you are all right and I'm being unreasonable.

I don't feel I am being entitled by being abit annoyed that my MIL decided to buy a house 3 hours away as soon as my son was born. If anything she's being entitled by thinking she will be able to see him without any notice what so ever.

It doesn't help when people close to her are angrier at the fact she is moving (her sister and her bestfriend are especially pissed about it).

I think there is alot more to this situation and more underlying issues than have been mentioned within this post. Like when I was pregnant she was making out like she wanted him everyday whilst I was at uni and then when it come down to it changed her mind a week before I was starting back at uni. And then guilt tripped me for 3 months After about putting him into a nursery and other stuff.

After reading all your replies I have come to look at it a different way (not all replies I agree with) but certain ones have been helpful.

But when she moves, i don't think I can be expected to drop things last minute when she decides to come and visit last minute. Obviously it has to be mutually convienent which shouldn't be too difficult.

But when she moves, i don't think I can be expected to drop things last minute when she decides to come and visit last minute. Obviously it has to be mutually convenient

I think that’s fair. He isn’t a toy she can just pick up and throw away.

She needs to give you notice and arrange a time to visit.

It does seem strange that your MIL moves away almost as soon as your DS is born. I personally love living locally to my DD and 2 DGDs and would not even consider it. I think your DS will be fine though and your MIL will miss out by being so much further away. Does your DM help out or see your DS regularly? At least he will still have grandparents and although they may not be round the corner hopefully he will still see them regularly. Lots of families are scattered all over the world these days.

Cornishclio my MIL sees him as and when she pleases. If she wants to see him she will just text me and tell me she is coming round and then turns up. Even if it is not convienent for me. But will then make plans to have him but if something better comes up like my FIL wants to go out for something to eat she will cancel last minute.

My mum works full time and has my sister who is still young but still makes an effort to see my DS whenever she can. My nephew (My mum's other grandson) lives around the corner and she sees him all the time and I know it would be the same if I lived around the corner.

I think I'm extra concerned about it because my uncle moved away when I was little and i can count on my hands how many times I've saw him and my cousins since and they moved less far than what my MIL is planning to move.

I think I'm extra concerned about it because my uncle moved away when I was little and i can count on my hands how many times I've saw him and my cousins since and they moved less far than what my MIL is planning to move

But they’re different people. My IL’s a 4 hour plane ride away and we see them loads.

I really hope everyone is right and she will make an effort to see him and won't just click her fingers when she's got nothing better to do last minute.

The clue here is "everyone".

We have no idea if your MiL will be an involved Grandmother, but what people are saying is that it is down to her personality, her other commitments, her relationship with you and your dh, and her energy levels and all sorts of other things, not to do with where she lives.

She can click her fingers if she likes OP you just have to start saying no if it isn’t convenient.

Backforgood I'm trying to be careful what I say because I just seem to be infuriating everyone on this post whether I'm not explaining myself right or what not I don't know.

I personally think alot of it stems from my FIL who isn't a fan of my DS. When I was pregnant he told me that he wasn't old enough to be a grandad (he's 60) and when my DS stays over at theirs (occasionally) he will make my MIL put my DS in the spare room or before my MIL agrees to have my DS she has to phone my FIL and ask his permission. He will also arrange to go out with my MIL when he knows she has already arranged to see my DS resulting in her cancelling plans to see my DS.

It is just a world away from what I experienced with my grandparents who absolutely doted on me and my brother. Even now my nan keeps telling me to move back home so she can look after my DS everyday (physically she wouldn't be able to ask she can't walk and wouldn't be able to pick him up etc...)

I just think my grandparents and my friends kids grandparents clearly give me a false sense of how grandparents 'should be' (no offense ment by that). And when it's come to my son it saddens me that his grandparents don't seem to be like everyone else's around me. And My FIL party i went to the other day all their friends
Where commenting to me about the move and how odd timing it was just made me think. Everyone around them keeps approaching me about it. No one seems to be happy about it my MIL even said to me that she can't mention it to her sister or her bestfriend because they go sour and weird everytime she mentions the move.

Half the the stuff I've just said isn't even relevant and I'm waffling... I'm just fed up about the whole situation and just depressed in general, there's just so much more to it that I never thought was relevant but actually is.

Copperbonnet I've tried and I get made out like I'm being spiteful or obstructive. I suffered severely with PND and depression still and some days I just want to be left alone with my DS and have some mummy and son time and my "nos" fall on dead ears she will just come round if she's got nothing to do (usually because FIL hasn't finished work). Or she will guilt trip me by texting me and when I say no she says she hasn't saw him for ages and she misses him and she's really busy for the next week so definitely won't be able to see him.

I'm not entitled and I'm not bonkers I just want the same for my son as what I had with my grandparents

Say no and then take yourself out for the day if she isn’t listening to you.

Unfortunately while it’s very sad that they the grandparents you'd hopes for for your DS, there’s not too much you can do about that.

I have severe anxiety and struggle to get out even my uni work has been effected by this.
She has a key to my house (my in-laws own my house) and will let herself in if I tell her I'm out it's happened before. I would move out but at the moment I'm financially not in a position to (deposit wise) because deposits in my area are £500+. We do pay full rent though to them and have spoke before about letting themselves in (yet again deaf ears) and I can't see that changing when they move away and decide to turn up.

And I see exactly what your saying I'm just really disappointed and saddened by the situation that my little one probably won't have a similar experience with his grandparents that I had with both sets of mine etc...
I guess I was naive to think my relationship with my grandparents was normal, and in fact I was just very lucky.

I genuinely hope I've worded that right because all my other replies just seem to sound like I was being a cow.

It sounds like you have more problems than whether the grandparents are involved. They should not have a key to your house for a start.

And it sounds like your MIL really wants to be involved but her husband won't let her. Not much you can do about that though.

Coyoacan what do you mean more problems hun? My Mental health or my privacy being invaded regularly?

And in a lot of situations yes he probably is to blame but other situations it's impossible to blame FIL. Asking and promising to have him then getting absolutely wasted just when we are dropping him off, which is fine but obviously I'm hardly going to leave my 15 month old son with her when she's hammered whilst telling me how awful she feels because she's drunk and she's supposed to be having him whilst simultaneously downing the rest of her glass of whatever she's drinking. Can't blame FIL because he wasn't drinking and hardly ever drinks at home anymore because he realised their drinking was getting excessive.

After writing it all down on this thread the whole situation is just absolutely messed up. Maybe this move really will be for the best?